She didn't offer to split the bill. Should i disregard her?

[smackie9]

I totally get why the OP feels the way he does. It was HER suggestion to upgrade the date to dinner and drinks, and IMO she should have paid for half the bill. Her not offering to pay IS suspect. I have this rule...the person that does the inviting/suggesting/asking should offer to pay simple as that.

 

BUT on the other side of the coin some women feel if they offer to pay half it will send a signal that she is not interested. So it's a catch 22, damn if you do and damn is you don't.

[ManyDissapoint]

I think the dating world would be a better place if both men and women lighten up on the 'who pays' issue on the first few dates. You barely know the person and can't understand the reasoning behind how they act. The topic is so confusing, people often do things they don't want to. For example, maybe a guy really wants to pay but is afraid it sends the wrong message. These days people read advice on dating columns, and forums like these. You can find diametrically opposed recommendations for almost any scenario.

 

Sure, many men can be very sensitive of being used for their wallets.

 

Sure, many women are looking for signs that you are not only trying to sleep with them.

 

But none of these behaviors can be determined just by who pays for dinner or ice cream on the first couple of dates!

 

Why isn't there any room for nuance anymore in meeting new people? It doesn't have to be black and white! If you like the other person, give them a chance to express their generosity in different ways over the course of a few dates, and accept that it might take a bit more time.

 

A woman who expects you to pay may just squeal with delight at making you home cooked food and giving back rubs down the line.

 

A man who wants to split the bill (or heaven forbid ask you to pay for everything) may be able to save you hundreds of dollars on car repairs, or provide you with tens of pounds of home grown produce.

 

Be a little bit adaptable guys and gals, and don't subscribe to the 'dealbreaker' culture so much.

Edited November 12, 2015 by ManyDissapoint

[Siquijor]

I've probably turned guys off by not offering to split the bill but that's never been my intention :/. It's kind of equivalent of being lost in the moment, not due to an expectation on my part. If the guy had asked me to split, I would have done. I can see why it'd raise a flag but I think it's worth thinking about it for a while longer.

 

I can forgive a woman for not offering to pay on the first date. What I couldn't forgive is a woman, just like in this instance, who refuses to go out for just a drink and instead wants dinner and doesn't want to pay for it. This to me is the sign of an entitled liberty taker.

[Siquijor]

I suppose you could try this OP.

 

When you see her next tell her you don't want to play Badminton but would rather play [insert activity that's far more expensive] and tell her she has to pay.

 

You probably won't see her for dust after that but the look on her face will be worth it.

[dads new boyfriend]

My reason for saying that I don't believe some men "like" women is because of their attitude towards women in general. Like the OP saying that he might just invite her over to his place on the next date (and what pump and dump?)...all because she didn't offer to split the bill on the first date?

 

 

Really?????

 

 

We are not exclusively dating, from what I know she might only want a casual friends with benefits type thing. I haven't confessed any feelings towards her so if she has done something that (rightly or wrongly) makes me not view her as girlfriend material then what am I doing wrong by inviting her to my place to have sex? And how exactly does that make me a women hater? I'm genuinely curious.

[PegNosePete]

Ok, so how would you answer the girl if she said "lets do dinner tomorrow instead of a quick meetup"

 

Would you say "I don't do dinner on a first meet because you might be butt ugly?"

I would say "I've got other plans for earlier/later"

[PegNosePete]

BUT on the other side of the coin some women feel if they offer to pay half it will send a signal that she is not interested. So it's a catch 22, damn if you do and damn is you don't.

Yes, exactly!

 

Woman type 1: offers to split the bill if she is not going to see you again, so she doesn't feel guilty. Lets you pay if she does want another date, because she can offer to pay next time.

 

Woman type 2: offers to split the bill if she does want to see you again so as to appear a fair, independent woman. If she's not interested she will let you pay because why not, she's never going to see you again so might as well have some free food. She will often justify it by saying you were a bad date therefore letting you pay is compensation for her wasted time, or some such tosh.

 

So how is a guy meant to know what's what, based on whether she offers to pay or not? It's impossible!

[Natalie8]

So you are inviting her to your place to make her pay that way? Because it sounds like you are resenting her and are pissed off with her ..so why do you want to have sex with her? Obviously not because you are wanting to connect on another level and share the most intimate thing with her or cherish her body, is it? You think she is a spoilt princess and you want to get even with her because of some real or imagined mistake she might have made in the very early stages of dating. At the stage when communication is the key since we all have different views and ideas and assumptions can lead to misunderstanding and resentment.

I - kind of- understand why you feel slightly annoyed that she suggested dinner and didnt offer to pay half but what are your motivations for inviting her around?

Resentment and anger are not a good basis even for a fwb.

[introverted1]

I totally get why the OP feels the way he does. It was HER suggestion to upgrade the date to dinner and drinks, and IMO she should have paid for half the bill. Her not offering to pay IS suspect. I have this rule...the person that does the inviting/suggesting/asking should offer to pay simple as that.

 

 

This.

 

If he had said, let's go to dinner, and then she did not offer to pay, I would be less apt to see an attitude on her part.

 

But she actively upgraded the date from drinks to dinner and then did not contribute. She didn't even offer to pick up the game of air hockey that followed dinner.

 

Based on this, I think OP is fair to have drawn the conclusion he did. BUT, he also says he clicked with this woman, so it may be worth giving her a second chance. But definitely not with an expensive activity!

[Heatherknows]

I invited a girl from POF to go out for a drink. The night before the date she said that we should get dinner instead and i agreed. She didn't offer to split the bill at the end even though it was her idea to go out for a meal and we played a couple of games of air hockey afterwards and i even ended up paying for that as well.

 

 

Now she wants us to play badminton (she probably expects me to pay for that too lol) but now i'm unsure if I should bother so i'm thinking of just inviting her to my place "to watch a movie" and if she doesn't go then just disregarding her. It's unlikely that she would go because she seems quite conservative. If it wasn't for her acting like a princess then i would really want to see her again. I'm usually a bit shy when i first meet someone but with her i felt no awkwardness at all and we got on really well and had a laugh so i don't know if i'm overreacting?

 

I never paid for dates. Not the first one or the 100th one. Some girls are raised that the guy pays. Find another girl who doesn't mind splitting the bill.

[dads new boyfriend]

So you are inviting her to your place to make her pay that way? Because it sounds like you are resenting her and are pissed off with her ..so why do you want to have sex with her? Obviously not because you are wanting to connect on another level and share the most intimate thing with her or cherish her body, is it? You think she is a spoilt princess and you want to get even with her because of some real or imagined mistake she might have made in the very early stages of dating. At the stage when communication is the key since we all have different views and ideas and assumptions can lead to misunderstanding and resentment.

I - kind of- understand why you feel slightly annoyed that she suggested dinner and didnt offer to pay half but what are your motivations for inviting her around?

Resentment and anger are not a good basis even for a fwb.

 

 

I'm a bit annoyed but by no means am I trying to teach her a lesson or anything like that, I'm not sure what I have written to make anyone assume that. If I resented her then I wouldn't have played air hockey with her and chatted in my car afterwards. If we do have sex it's not like I'm going to kick her out afterwards and then never talk to her again. I'd just pursue a casual thing and make that clear if she asks and I wouldn't pay for any more dates with her. I still enjoy her company.

 

 

This is all hypothetical for now anyway because i've since told her that i'll go badminton with her.

[Rydo]

Duh.

 

You're not supposed to have dinner dates right away until you know the girl is worth taking out.

 

Real men who have jobs should pay for a cup of coffee though. For a first date, and ice cream orsomething for a second..

 

Chilvry is near dead and it's very sad. I think it's lovely when I see men who genuinely LIKE spoiling their girlfriend's!

 

Like. ...there are men who WANT to be the ones to take a girl out.

 

My boyfriend got laid off so obvious we don't go out as if this week. I even pay his cell bill for him to help. But you can bet that I picked a guy who loves spoling me when he works and haz the means. Just like I like spoiling him.

 

And I always offer to pay. I just decline to see the guy again if he is into going halves. I want a man who can afford to treat me even if it's only need every month.

 

Real women should invite the guy over and make him dinner. Then do the dishes/wash his clothes/iron his shirts while he puts his feet up and has a brandy and a cigar. Aren't traditional values fun... or is it only the convenient traditional values we should stick with?

[Iceshowers]

I have read alot (I guess mainly guys) saying that if women don't offer to pay or split, then they're not worth a second date because they act all "princessy".

 

But really, there's 2 types of women and there's 2 type of men, when it comes to who pays, you just have to pick which one you are and which of the opposite sex you want to date, plain and simple.

 

For example, I went on a first date/meet up with a guy I met on Tinder, who I was texting for about 1 and a half week before that. We went to Cheesecake Factory, and I was the one who mentioned dinner at first (at a different location, he changed it to Cheesecake though). When the bill came, I told him let me pay half (NOT because I always pick up the bill or pay half, but I didn't know what type of date this was, and I know how to finance myself). But he straight up said "no" and said he sees that I'm independent and can handle my own, but he's not that type of guy, and he paid.

 

So there's those types of guys who pays not because a lady didn't offer to chip in, but because he was brought up with those types of values, or atleast feels like a man should be able to romance and court a lady when dating.

 

As we kept on dating though, I would pick up the entire bill at times and pay for the date. He mostly did most of the paying, because at first I had to fight him for the receipt because he wouldn't let me. But as we went along, he didn't try to stop me when paying for a date as we were already past the "courting" stage.

[Rydo]

I have read alot (I guess mainly guys) saying that if women don't offer to pay or split, then they're not worth a second date because they act all "princessy".

 

That's pretty much the normal way in my experience. Not many guys want a girl that expects to be paid for. Especially since she will most likely want equal pay/rights etc and nobody likes a hypocrit

Edited June 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[katiegrl]

We are not exclusively dating, from what I know she might only want a casual friends with benefits type thing. I haven't confessed any feelings towards her so if she has done something that (rightly or wrongly) makes me not view her as girlfriend material then what am I doing wrong by inviting her to my place to have sex? And how exactly does that make me a women hater? I'm genuinely curious.

 

I didn't say you *hated* women, I said, because of the resentment some men apparently feel because a woman doesn't pay ... it didn't seem like they *liked* women very much.

 

I used you as an example, because frankly, inviting a chick to your home on second date, hoping to pump and dump, all because she didn't offer to pay on the first, sounds pretty douchey.

 

But hey, go for it! Maybe you're right and she does only want casual! Nothing ventured nothing gained, right? lol

 

Ugh.

[Shining One]

Woman type 1: offers to split the bill if she is not going to see you again, so she doesn't feel guilty. Lets you pay if she does want another date, because she can offer to pay next time.

 

Woman type 2: offers to split the bill if she does want to see you again so as to appear a fair, independent woman. If she's not interested she will let you pay because why not, she's never going to see you again so might as well have some free food. She will often justify it by saying you were a bad date therefore letting you pay is compensation for her wasted time, or some such tosh.

Woman type 3: Insists on splitting the bill if she has no intention of seeing you again. Offers to split the bill if she does intend to see you again and then says the next one is on her when you decline.

 

This type is my personal favorite and there is no ambiguity.

[smackie9]

Real man should invite the girl over and make her dinner. Then do the dishes/wash her clothes/iron her shirts while she puts her feet up and has a brandy and a cigar.

 

I changed it to be the modern tradition, this is what it should be IMO.....if a guy did this for me there would definitely be sex in the cards that night!

 

**If this is what got me for paying for the last 3 dates in, I'm all for it!

[clia]

I invited a girl from POF to go out for a drink. The night before the date she said that we should get dinner instead and i agreed. She didn't offer to split the bill at the end even though it was her idea to go out for a meal and we played a couple of games of air hockey afterwards and i even ended up paying for that as well.

 

Now she wants us to play badminton (she probably expects me to pay for that too lol) but now i'm unsure if I should bother so i'm thinking of just inviting her to my place "to watch a movie" and if she doesn't go then just disregarding her. It's unlikely that she would go because she seems quite conservative. If it wasn't for her acting like a princess then i would really want to see her again. I'm usually a bit shy when i first meet someone but with her i felt no awkwardness at all and we got on really well and had a laugh so i don't know if i'm overreacting?

 

If it bothered you that much to pay, why didn't you ask her to pay her share? Why didn't you suggest she pay for the air hockey? I don't understand why you would do something you didn't want to do (pay for the entire date) and then come here to complain about it. Why not just speak up for yourself? She probably has no idea you are so annoyed.

[TexasMan68]

Uhhh I'm confused...based on your user name "dads new boyfriend" your a gay male right? So was this a girls night out that you were on? In that case why not come out and ask her is your going dutch on the check?

[theredpill]

I invited a girl from POF to go out for a drink. The night before the date she said that we should get dinner instead and i agreed. She didn't offer to split the bill at the end even though it was her idea to go out for a meal and we played a couple of games of air hockey afterwards and i even ended up paying for that as well.

 

 

Now she wants us to play badminton (she probably expects me to pay for that too lol) but now i'm unsure if I should bother so i'm thinking of just inviting her to my place "to watch a movie" and if she doesn't go then just disregarding her. It's unlikely that she would go because she seems quite conservative. If it wasn't for her acting like a princess then i would really want to see her again. I'm usually a bit shy when i first meet someone but with her i felt no awkwardness at all and we got on really well and had a laugh so i don't know if i'm overreacting?

 

Men should lead where the date goes and if you invite her out for a meal, you should be paying. However, a better approach is a couple of drinks and then move on only if there's attraction from both sides.

 

 

You've let this girl walk over you on the first date and you're complaining about it, go check out some dating and confidence video's - you should be in charge, not her.

[carhill]

Uhhh I'm confused...based on your user name "dads new boyfriend" your a gay male right? So was this a girls night out that you were on? In that case why not come out and ask her is your going dutch on the check?

I think it's a musical group. Sometimes members post up usernames of people and groups they follow or strike them as interesting.

[Wewon]

I think it's a musical group. Sometimes members post up usernames of people and groups they follow or strike them as interesting.

 

Thanks for the explanation.

 

I've been trying to make heads or tails of that username for 2 days.

 

[carhill]

We are not exclusively dating, from what I know she might only want a casual friends with benefits type thing. I haven't confessed any feelings towards her so if she has done something that (rightly or wrongly) makes me not view her as girlfriend material then what am I doing wrong by inviting her to my place to have sex? And how exactly does that make me a women hater? I'm genuinely curious.

If not exclusively dating, then follow your customary dating style. If you always pay, OK. If who asks pays, OK. If you switch off, OK. Simply communicate that style and what happens happens. It's not like she'll stab you or shoot you for communicating. Sure she might cuss you out and never talk to you again but, really, in this situation, is that a big deal? Little time spent, practically no investment, and no commitment. IMO, the more you work this, and solidify your style, the easier this stuff gets, so easy that it becomes instinct.

[dads new boyfriend]

If it bothered you that much to pay, why didn't you ask her to pay her share? Why didn't you suggest she pay for the air hockey? I don't understand why you would do something you didn't want to do (pay for the entire date) and then come here to complain about it. Why not just speak up for yourself? She probably has no idea you are so annoyed.

 

I'm not complaining about it, I asked for opinions on whether or not I was overreacting. I was surprised that she didn't offer to split and it was only really when I got home and thought about it that I started to question whether or not she's worth dating now. This thread can die now as everything has been discussed.

 

I think it's a musical group. Sometimes members post up usernames of people and groups they follow or strike them as interesting.

 

 

Lol it's just some random name I thought of.

Edited November 12, 2015 by dads new boyfriend

[carhill]

Ha, ha, I did get to listen to some interesting music though

 

Random is good. This interaction is random. Think of it as random dating.