She didn't offer to split the bill. Should i disregard her?

[Leigh 87]

Vitalyzdtv has met many girls like you.

 

Girls like me? Well I am a very very generous woman actually who spoilsthe crap out of my boyfriend:laugh: it is how I grew up with my extremely generous parents so it is part of who I am:I love to be generous so I need a man that fits into that.

 

I am generous so why is it a negative things to want my equal?

 

I brought my bf the latest smart phone and pay his phone bill because he got laid off.

 

I will also buy his groceriesfor him when he runs out of money until he gets back on his feet.

 

I take care of him when he's sick.

 

I ALWAYS surprise him with his favorite food. If I know he loves something, I'll buy it for him; I'll be driving my car, see a sale and stop to buy the itemfor my bf!

 

So yeah, I am EXTREMELY generous to my boyfriend.

 

Gifting and being spoilt is essential for me;I tell men upfront actually, that being spoilt for birthdays and the gentleman being the one to treat ME to the dates, is MY style. I then go on to assure them that I giveas much as I get so they will be spoilt right back!

 

I am upfront and honest so the tight asses who prefer to go 50/50 on everything can leave.

[Leigh 87]

Ah yes, love that selection of gender roles. Just the ones that suit you though right?

 

I love 'equality'

 

Yep. Women should have to pay half the rent. And even as a student I easily afford my own groceries. It's called living within my means and being responsible.

 

The ONLY thing I need a partner to pay for are dates out.

 

That's it. I just am not into the splitting down the middle crap because it is totally cheap and pathetic. They should at least take it in turns to pay rather than split.

 

So right. ..... it's absurd of me to want to be taken out every few weeks (I don't need weekly dates )

 

So absurd is it, when I have stated time and time again that I ALSO love spoiling men?

 

Having the ONE thing that I prefer, which is being treated the timed we do go out for dates, doesn't have any indication of the overall picture; which is me spoiling the guy as much as he does me.

 

Of the OPs girl is anything like me, she'll offer to buy him a drink or two next time during the meal. I ALWAYS go and get mybf a drink when he buys my dinner. Or I'll stop at the convenience store on the way home from dinner, say I need to get baby wipes and instead get his fave chocolate for him too, for dessert.

 

I lkke traditional men who hold open doors and actually PREFER to take their women out and pay - there's something reallys special about it.

 

Then again, maybe this girl the OP encountered is rude and is s taker not a giver.

 

I am a giver so I also need a giver to counter balance my core values.

[Shining One]

I think it's lovely when I see men who genuinely LIKE spoiling their girlfriend's!

There is a significant difference between spoiling a date and spoiling a girlfriend.

[katiegrl]

Girls like me? Well I am a very very generous woman actually who spoilsthe crap out of my boyfriend:laugh: it is how I grew up with my extremely generous parents so it is part of who I am:I love to be generous so I need a man that fits into that.

 

I am generous so why is it a negative things to want my equal?

 

I brought my bf the latest smart phone and pay his phone bill because he got laid off.

 

I will also buy his groceriesfor him when he runs out of money until he gets back on his feet.

 

I take care of him when he's sick.

 

I ALWAYS surprise him with his favorite food. If I know he loves something, I'll buy it for him; I'll be driving my car, see a sale and stop to buy the itemfor my bf!

 

So yeah, I am EXTREMELY generous to my boyfriend.

 

Gifting and being spoilt is essential for me;I tell men upfront actually, that being spoilt for birthdays and the gentleman being the one to treat ME to the dates, is MY style. I then go on to assure them that I giveas much as I get so they will be spoilt right back!

 

I am upfront and honest so the tight asses who prefer to go 50/50 on everything can leave.

 

 

I LOVE this post Leigh! You sound like a very cool chick and I agree with you, and am the same with my boyfriend (now fiancé). We spoil each other!

[mrldii]

Allot of women are like that, their not cheap.... guys have taught them it is the preferred way of doing things.

 

Just politely ask her if it is ok with her to share the bill, if she is a half decent person she will be happy to do so.

 

on the other hand, if she seems offended, then it is a red flag

 

 

This. ^^^

 

Or, ask her since you invited - and paid for - the first date/meet, will she be paying for the second invite/date? Her willingness and/or answer to that should tell you everything you need to know.

 

 

By the way, just as quickly as you labeled her "a princess", another guy would have labeled her "a feminazi" for offering/insisting/suggesting she pay half. It's almost *like* we women can't win with some of you label-makers.

[katiegrl]

There is a significant difference between spoiling a date and spoiling a girlfriend.

 

Yes there is but I think Leigh's point is... and I agree with her.... is that when a man actually "likes" women, he also "likes" and enjoys treating them, at least for the first few dates. It is HIS pleasure to treat them, again assuming he genuinely "likes" women ... and isn't harboring some sort of deep resentment toward them for godonlyknows whatever reason.

 

 

That has always been my experience and it speaks volumes to how he views women (in general), and also to his character. That he's generous and giving, which are two qualities that I (and I know many other women) are personally attracted to.

 

 

After the few initial dates, then it's time for me to give back, at which point we BOTH contribute, in a mutual exchange of give and take...

 

 

I should also point out that (with the exception of my fiancé)... I have usually been the one to approach first, initiating the first convo, giving him plenty of "signals" that I am interested... after which he takes the ball from me and runs with it.

 

 

That's what worked for ME and I have had three long term relationships, including current to whom I marrying next year.

 

 

If that's not your thing, then so be it. I wish you luck.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder why some of you guys bother dating at all. It's becoming so clear that many of you don't even "like" women very much, so why bother.

 

 

Boggles the mind.

Edited November 12, 2015 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

Yes there is but I think Leigh's point is... and I agree with her.... is that when a man actually "likes" women, he also "likes" and enjoys treating them, at least for the first few dates. It is HIS pleasure to treat them, again assuming he genuinely "likes" women ... and isn't harboring some sort of deep resentment toward them for godonlyknows whatever reason.

Please explain the logic to me here. If you don't enjoy spending money on a stranger who has not yet confirmed interest, you don't like women? That's quite the leap.

That he's generous and giving, which are two qualities that I (and I know many other women) are personally am attracted to.

What if the man is looking for generosity as well? Surely, she should demonstrate her generosity too.

After the few initial dates, then it's time for me to give back, at which point we BOTH contribute, in a mutual exchange of give and take...

I prefer taking turns initially (fair to both parties if things don't work out) and then proportional to disposable income at the relationship phase. I generally make more, so that means I pay more, but I'm okay with that.

[frus69]

What's wrong with paying the bill? It's only a date? How much can it be?

 

 

I'm probably going to get bashed here but I think it's really cheap to care so much on so little money. Unless you are simply poor.

 

 

I dated a few well-off people and I even got scared to go on dates (or hang out as friends) with them eventually because they never let me pay and I started to feel I "owe" them too much.

 

 

When I like a guy, I'm always more than happy to spoil him. Certainly would not care about paying some dates. It's not about gender equality, not about should or shouldn't, not about fair or unfair. It's simply me adoring him.

 

 

If the girl asks you to pay for everything, at an early stage then it's bad but just a date? Let it go.

[frus69]

 

 

Sometimes I wonder why some of you guys bother dating at all. It's becoming so clear that many of you don't even "like" women very much, so why bother.

 

 

Boggles the mind.

 

Or they are just "selfish/calculating"?Always thinking "if it's worth it for ME". "She's not even my GF, why should I pay? Not worth it" .

[Wewon]

I invited a girl from POF to go out for a drink. The night before the date she said that we should get dinner instead and i agreed. She didn't offer to split the bill at the end even though it was her idea to go out for a meal and we played a couple of games of air hockey afterwards and i even ended up paying for that as well.

 

 

Now she wants us to play badminton (she probably expects me to pay for that too lol) but now i'm unsure if I should bother so i'm thinking of just inviting her to my place "to watch a movie" and if she doesn't go then just disregarding her. It's unlikely that she would go because she seems quite conservative. If it wasn't for her acting like a princess then i would really want to see her again. I'm usually a bit shy when i first meet someone but with her i felt no awkwardness at all and we got on really well and had a laugh so i don't know if i'm overreacting?

 

This isn't about money, its about an attitude and personality.

 

Cut bait on this, her attitude isn't going to change. If its not paying then it will be getting gifts, planning dates or something else if she truly has a princess mentality.

[katiegrl]

Please explain the logic to me here. If you don't enjoy spending money on a stranger who has not yet confirmed interest, you don't like women? That's quite the leap.What if the man is looking for generosity as well?

 

 

Well I dunno, not to offend, but perhaps said man has an overload of female hormones or something ... cause every man I have ever encountered (including boyfriends, fiancé, brothers and dad) always enjoyed and even preferred to take the traditional role and treat the woman, at least for the few dates.

 

And growing up, my own dad was extremely generous, with me, my mom and others. My mom gave back in other ways, but it was always my dad who "took care" of her and the family, financially and was rewarded in OTHER ways by all of us.

 

We loved him dearly for his giving nature and generosity and always gave back by giving him lots of love and appreciation.

 

That is what worked for me back then and that is what works for me now. I am only talking about the first few dates though. Like I said, after that it's MY treat often too... or me making dinner, me making the plans, it's an equal effort.

 

An equal give and take, although my fiancé does prefer to still treat me a lot, which I appreciate and give back to him in other ways, which HE appreciates. It works for us.

 

If you and other men prefer or even need to be treated on those early dates, then so be it... have at it.

 

Surely, she should demonstrate her generosity too.I prefer taking turns initially (fair to both parties if things don't work out) and then proportional to disposable income at the relationship phase. I generally make more, so that means I pay more, but I'm okay with that.

 

 

Well you sound very cool Shining, and I completely understand your point of view. But wondering do you let her know what your preference is? Or do you just RESENT her if she doesn't offer to pick up the tab on the second date.... like so many other men do.

 

 

My reason for saying that I don't believe some men "like" women is because of their attitude towards women in general. Like the OP saying that he might just invite her over to his place on the next date (and what pump and dump?)...all because she didn't offer to split the bill on the first date?

 

 

Really?????

Edited June 17, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tayla]

50/50

rule of thumb starts things off on an even keel.

 

Label me gracious and independent. Never understood the concept that paying the bill means the person is assumed to be a take charge person. Sounds to me it could also be any one of the following:, a pushover, a courteous person, or underlying motives. Pick a card.

 

op, be direct prior to future plans. Sounds like overall you had fun. Time to work thru the accountable side of fair pay.

[Shining One]

take the traditional role and treat the woman, at least for the few dates.

Traditional means different things to different people. For me, traditional is my parents negotiating with her parents, the woman and I getting married, and my word being law in that household. Yes, traditional for me means the man always pays, but it also means that her money is my money. I'm not traditional by any means and I'm a strong believer in equality.

Well you sound very cool Shining, and I completely understand your point of view. But wondering do you let her know what your preference is? Or do you just RESENT her if she doesn't offer to pick up the tab on the second date.... like so many other men do.

I usually give it several dates (somewhere in the area of 3-5). If she doesn't show her generosity within that time frame, I determine she is not relationship material for me and move on. If I'm dating multiple women and one happens to pick up the tab on the second date, that certainly gives her an edge over the others. In my experience, the generous women always offer to contribute until we get into a taking turns routine.

My reason for saying that I don't believe some men "like" women is because of their attitude towards women in general. Like the OP saying that he might just invite her over to his place on the next date (and what pump and dump?)...all because she didn't offer to split the bill on the first date?

 

 

Really?????

This, I understand. One date is insufficient to draw conclusions on this topic.

[adiamond]

I don't offer to split, and I would feel weird if a guy insisted we split on the first date. Makes me feel bad. If it's a dinner date and I like the guy, I'll suggest ice cream or something afterwards and I'd pay for that. I'm also a student so I'm not super well off financially. If we're in a relationship I prefer a guy paying for me on dates and date activities, just makes things easier. Though I like to cook dinner a lot for guys and invite them over and make them dinner often. My ex bf I told him that he could come over for dinner whenever he wanted and I made him things like mussels, shrimp, ribs, asian style food a lot. I also get good birthday gifts I think. I'm also asian.

[katiegrl]

Traditional means different things to different people. For me, traditional is my parents negotiating with her parents, the woman and I getting married, and my word being law in that household. Yes, traditional for me means the man always pays, but it also means that her money is my money. I'm not traditional by any means and I'm a strong believer in equality.I usually give it several dates (somewhere in the area of 3-5). If she doesn't show her generosity within that time frame, I determine she is not relationship material for me and move on. If I'm dating multiple women and one happens to pick up the tab on the second date, that certainly gives her an edge over the others. In my experience, the generous women always offer to contribute until we get into a taking turns routine.

This, I understand. One date is insufficient to draw conclusions on this topic.

 

All this sounds completely FAIR and balanced, and just as an FYI, I am usually offering to treat a man on or about the third or fourth date... during the first two or three (not counting), I am expressing my interest in other ways, like initiating a text or call, showing some sort of physical affection.... hell my fiancé and I had sex the first night we met!

 

 

With respect to traditional, hell no, if that what traditional means, I'm with ya there.... NO THANK YOU.... lol

 

 

I meant traditional in the sense that the man treats on the first few dates, at least the first or second. But I am responding and showing appreciation so it works out...

 

 

Your way sounds good too though... if I were single, and assuming we clicked, I would go for you.... like I said you sound very cool!!

[jakrbbt]

There are enough unspoken (and different) rules in dating, that if you don't work some of them out upfront, you risk drawing inaccurate conclusions.

 

Talking them out early though can be awkward.

 

In my experience, the rule wasn't really 50/50 and it wasn't really "the man always pays."

 

It was more: Whoever has the most money usually pays. If the two are about even, then whoever suggests the activity usually pays, unless it's very inexpensive, in which case they each pay their way or each have fun offering to pay-- the way platonic friends do. On top of that, if the man repeatedly asks the woman to dinner, even if it's more than 3 or 4 times, he pays-- unless, again, the two are both of limited means, in which case it's usually not going to be expensive restaurants anyway. Then, they often go dutch, but that's less awkward when you're (say) standing in line paying for your burrito than when you're at a table with a waiter.

 

Dating etiquette is pretty nerve-wracking and unclear for both sexes these days. Some people try to be a "princess," some stupidly over-rely on advice from friends, but most are just trying to do the proper dating behavior-- and it can get lost in translation.

 

Generosity is a good quality, but I don't think that it's usually displayed through paying for a date. I know a lot of un-generous people who shelled out lots of money when dating.

[joseb]

This isn't about money, its about an attitude and personality.

 

Cut bait on this, her attitude isn't going to change. If its not paying then it will be getting gifts, planning dates or something else if she truly has a princess mentality.

 

True, but I think in this case it's a little to early to label her a princess.

OP go play badminton and see what happens.

[Maggie4]

I never offer. Either I pay, or I don't. This "offer" is sometimes so fake. Why do you have to offer? Just grab the check if you really want to pay. That's what men do, if you're talking about gender equality. You rarely see men "offer".

I don't like some women doing the fake reach for the purse, the hesitant movements, waiting for the man to stop her. If I intend to pay, I make sure the check never reaches the man.

OP, there are a lot of women who prefer to take turns rather than split a bill. I think the important thing to look for is class. She should thank you graciously for treating her.

[adiamond]

There are enough unspoken (and different) rules in dating, that if you don't work some of them out upfront, you risk drawing inaccurate conclusions.

 

Talking them out early though can be awkward.

 

In my experience, the rule wasn't really 50/50 and it wasn't really "the man always pays."

 

It was more: Whoever has the most money usually pays. If the two are about even, then whoever suggests the activity usually pays, unless it's very inexpensive, in which case they each pay their way or each have fun offering to pay-- the way platonic friends do. On top of that, if the man repeatedly asks the woman to dinner, even if it's more than 3 or 4 times, he pays-- unless, again, the two are both of limited means, in which case it's usually not going to be expensive restaurants anyway. Then, they often go dutch, but that's less awkward when you're (say) standing in line paying for your burrito than when you're at a table with a waiter.

 

Dating etiquette is pretty nerve-wracking and unclear for both sexes these days. Some people try to be a "princess," some stupidly over-rely on advice from friends, but most are just trying to do the proper dating behavior-- and it can get lost in translation.

 

Generosity is a good quality, but I don't think that it's usually displayed through paying for a date. I know a lot of un-generous people who shelled out lots of money when dating.

 

My ex and I went to a quick place to eat dinner after a movie (not sit down) and the cashier asked him two or three times if he was paying for me and his meal and he said "no , i'm paying for myself only" two or three times and I felt very embarrassed as everyone was watching

[jakrbbt]

My ex and I went to a quick place to eat dinner after a movie (not sit down) and the cashier asked him two or three times if he was paying for me and his meal and he said "no , i'm paying for myself only" two or three times and I felt very embarrassed as everyone was watching

 

Good point-- forgot about that:

 

If the cashier asks (which I always think is bad form), then the person just pays for both. Unless of course, it's two work colleagues on a coffee break or something similarly not-even-close-to-dating.

 

Because yes, that's embarrassing. But the cashier should not ask. Either the "date" pays for their own food and moves on, or else the "date" says ". . . and whatever [date] is having." Both are acceptable IMO.

 

Should I just write a pamphlet?

[TunaCat]

As a woman, I don't like being paid for. I like keeping things on an even level.

 

But if I went out on a date and the other person offered to pay, depending on how the date is going, I may or may not accept them paying for me.

 

I don't think you should disregard her just because of this. If you had a good date overall, then give it another shot.

[edgygirl]

I am not sure if it's a generational thing...

 

I feel quite disgusted by guys who agree to share. It's NOT about the money. It really is not. I just feel less feminine, less appreciated, not courted. I also want a family perhaps one day, and if the guy can't even afford dinner, how exactly will he hold a household together if something comes up and I have to stay home for a year or two taking care of a baby? You might argue women wanted feminism and that it all should be shared, but sorry - my biology is stronger here than whatever makes "sense". I want my man to be able to pay for this kind of thing.

 

It was a whole different story in college time. When people are poor students it's okay to share. Otherwise, later in life, I refuse to go out with someone who will want me to chip in.

 

I went on a date with this older guy. 50. A doctor. We didn't even have dinner. I offered to help with the 2-3 drinks, and he accepted. He accepted f-ing $10 for the tip. Guess what? I never responded to his next request to go out. No. Cheap man = no! Sorry. I am not in college anymore.

 

As a woman, I don't like being paid for. I like keeping things on an even level.

 

But if I went out on a date and the other person offered to pay, depending on how the date is going, I may or may not accept them paying for me.

 

I don't think you should disregard her just because of this. If you had a good date overall, then give it another shot.

[Leigh 87]

I LOVE this post Leigh! You sound like a very cool chick and I agree with you, and am the same with my boyfriend (now fiancé). We spoil each other!

 

Well, yeah! I am an only child and I've always been so spoil rotten with love, attention and presents.

 

My role models are extremely generous. So....... I am also very generous. When I was on a nearly 80 K and I hung out with a starving student, I'd INSIST on buying them lunch. All the time (since I'm childless and can afford it)

 

I totally spoil my boyfriend anytime I can afford it. Having just come back from South America, I'm broke and so my boyfriend took care of me and even took me to a fancy hotel the day I flew back (which was somewhat wasted as I had an awful virus and literally slept all weekened:o)

 

I don't want to go out on a date UNLESS the guy genuinely is into me and WANTS to spoil me! The type of guy who splits the bill just has a different outlook than I do; I strongly favour traditional men with traditional values of wanting to take their woman out.

 

What's more, I need a man who is totally smitten and feels the URGE to spoil me rotten on my birthdays. And occasional, it's nice to get a box of chocolates and roses just because he felt like it.

 

Basically, a man that just cannot help himself when it comes to wanting to spoil me..........

 

I feel EXACTLY THE SAME towards my bf; I just RELISH whenI have savings and I see JUST THE THING for him! I just *love* greating him with his favourite food, a random gift or even just a bunch of DVDs.

 

We only get one life and nothing makes me happier than making him smile.

 

I don't want to go out to dinner right away. My bf and I kept things casual and laid back initially. ... in fact, *I* paid for the first round of drinks! He didn't take me on a date until weeks in, because he doesn't earn much and wasn't stupid enough to wine and dine a woman who may be a psycho. He got to know me before he started spoiling me. Although he did buy me subway on date two......

 

A gold digger I aint.

[Wewon]

I can't judge the Op for his stance, he said it was about attitude and not who paid. Attitude can kill it for anyone every time because an act of generosity now gets turned into a suckers game.

 

I'm sure that if the young lady were here to speak for herself she would also say that she was hopelessly locked into tradition and was using his willingness to pay as a barometer for his generosity, kindness, love of country and snuggling puppies and kittens. Which would be fine, there are a lot of people that are deeply traditional.

 

But I've seen too many times that the same people that bow as a servant to tradition when it comes to a free sandwich are quick to remind everyone that "this isn't the 1950s" the minute that they are faced with a tradition that they don't like. Or immediately want to split those traditions down the middle.

 

Most men can adapt to tradition or more contemporary sensibilities fairly easily, but I meet very few men that don't expect some consistency there. Opportunistically switching back and forth would frustrate anyone with any self respect.

[Qboro90]

In a perfect world the girl would always ask to split the bill or offer to pay every now and then.... However, the worlds not perfect and the general rule of thumb (forgive the stereotyping) is that as the male, you should take care of the bill for the first couple dates at least.

 

Yes, of course it would be appreciated if she offered to split it at least. I've dated plenty of girls where after the first 2-3 dates they offer to pick up the bill, split it, or take me out to dinner so there's always the chance she's just old school like that and it will happen in time.

 

If you have a more liberal mentality and feel like the girl needs to hold an equal share financially during dates then this girl probably isn't for you.

 

If you really like her, then it's a good move to show her you're willing and able to treat her. If you take her out again, and she doesn't offer to split or pay, then playfully joke with her when the check comes and say "oh please... Don't bother, I got this" and it'll prolly embarass her a bit for taking it for granted. Or she'll think you're an ass.... But its up to you .