Shining One Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 How does anone know whether or not the OPs girl wouldn't be like me?You already know the answer to this.I personally don't do dinner dates right away.Unlike you, she asked him to take her to dinner on the first date. 2
katiegrl Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) This is true. Many addicts escalate during stressful situations I agree, however in my boyfriend's case, he was never an addict, just partied a lot, drank a little too much at times, but cut down significantly after we started dating... Now neither one of us drink hardly at all, and we don't miss it! Edited November 17, 2015 by katiegrl
An0nymiss666 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I apologize if this is a repeat response from others, but I would still feel obligated to pay if it were my idea, and would gladly do so or even split the bill. Even though there's this idea that men should always pay. There's still the chance that's what she's used to. That would tick me off if she kept running off ideas and things she wanted to do, and just expected you to foot the bill. I'm all for putting in as much as the guy does, i.e. he buys dinner, I buy the movie, etc. Money means nothing to me in the end, but like I said that's a red flag if she's just expecting it from you consistently.
Heatherknows Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Sheesh, don't take it so serious. People were projecting their 'future' and I thought I'd play along... OTOH, people with entitlement issues, in this case, some women and money (ie, they feel entitled to his without offering any of theirs... Why?)... It does follow into their relationship and what they consider 'equitable'. I don't think buying a cup of hot chocolate in return for what the OP offered is anything close to equitable.... So, if that is the pattern he wants to establish, so be it. I think men ought to put some thought into what patterns they are establishing early on... Along with the expectations that go along with . I only date men who genuinely WANT to be the one to take their woman out and treat them. It's honestly who I am. I need the man to fundamentally prefer to be the one to treat women to dates. This is where I differ from entitled women; I absolutely believe it should still be 50/50. Yes I have a preference regarding HOW the money is dispersed. ... however, I INSIST on compensation for the dates I am treated to......... For me, it definitely needs to be a two way street.... the man tends to pay but I will still pull my weight by giving back in other ways. I tend to clean and do more maintenance around the house. I am the one who got my boyfriend the latest smart phone and pay his phone bill because I SAW how badly he got excited about new phones yet he isn't the type who treats himself to such luxuries. So I did something expensive for him that thrilled him...... After all, paying his phone bill and doing more than my share of cleaning (it's 60/40 where he still helps a lot ) this feels like an even split considering he pays when we eat out and he is the ne who does random nice things to spoil me ( such as book a weekend away someplace nice ) Despite my strong preference of dating men who prefer to be the ones to pay for dates, my relationships are still very equal in terms of expenditure. I still splash out and spoil them right back. Having a preference for a man who prefers to treat a woman doesn't mean the woman in question takes advantage of him and takes far more than she gives. My parents raised me to be generous to a fault. ... they also raised me to strive for a fellow generous man who prefered to be the one to treat me. I was raised through to feel ashamed of myself if I didn't reciprocate generous gestures from people. .....my parents would be on my case asking me what I had done in return.....to help a friend who had given to me. .... So yeah. Not all us women that like to be treated and wined and dined are not equally as generous in other ways! This is simply ONE preference that isn't NECESSARILY indicative of our overall nature. And lastly. .... I don't feel entitled. ... I am upfront and honest on my dating preference when it ones to meals..... it is important to me so I make an effort to talk about my views regarding dates and splitting bills........ I give the men an opportunity to leave if ny style doesn't align with theirs........I've had one man who didn't believe in spoiling. Beyond the first few dates. So I got rid of him. I am not entitled to his money so I let him free to go and take equal turns paying with someone who was compatible with him. I'm in my 40's so perhaps things are different now but my mom told me "The Rules." If a guy likes you he'll pay, if he doesn't he probably doesn't like you that much. I've had guy friends confirm this way of thinking. They also told me if they don't like the girl that much they'll make the date cheap; if they like her a lot they'll buy flowers and take her to dinner. So I made sure if I went on a date it was very expensive. I didn't want to waste my time with guys who weren't that into me.
salparadise Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) I'm in my 40's so perhaps things are different now but my mom told me "The Rules." If a guy likes you he'll pay, if he doesn't he probably doesn't like you that much. I've had guy friends confirm this way of thinking. They also told me if they don't like the girl that much they'll make the date cheap; if they like her a lot they'll buy flowers and take her to dinner. So I made sure if I went on a date it was very expensive. I didn't want to waste my time with guys who weren't that into me. Ohoooo baby! :bunny::bunny: How would you and your mom feel about a threesome... after dinner, of course? Edited November 17, 2015 by salparadise 1
Heatherknows Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Ohoooo baby! :bunny::bunny: How would you and your mom feel about a threesome... after dinner, of course? LOL! I'll ask her and get back to ya.
Heatherknows Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 My own boyfriend didn't take me on dates out to fancy places initially. He didn't have the means to. I shouted HIM the first drink on our first date. Whichwas drinks at a nice venue. He got me a subway on date two..... which I really appreciated. So I insisted on buying the DVDS...... But yeah after that we just hung out and he'd buy dinner and cook it at home or we would have already eaten prior........and nights we did go out he paid but by the time he did that we were clearly smitten with each other! So within the first month he took me out only a couple of times. We were focusing on whether or not we were a match! I don't feel comfortable with a guy actually taking me out for more than just drinks initially. .... unless he's a high income earner..and I knew my bf wasn't a high income earner so I felt more comfortable sticking to shouting each other drinks the first few weeks before he splurged on dinners out (where he always The times we DO eat out, he pays.....But make no mistake. ... I knew he had an average to low paying job so I aimed my expectations accordingly. I don't believe in just having a guy splurge on me in the very early stages before we knew whether it's going anywhere. The only exception is if the guy was clearly loaded and seemed to WANT to splurge on me.....which my bf clearly wasn't in that position so I treated him to drinks and treated him like a guy on an average wage who simply couldn't afford unlimited drinks and stuff. My boyfriend is the one who pays on dates but there weren't many dinner dates to be had to begin with. The times we go out he pays and shares my traditional values of the man taking the woman out......... When my husband was my boyfriend he took me out to REALLY expensive places and bought me lots of gifts. He always whipped out the credit card and never flinched. We got married and and after a couple of months he asked if I would mind taking over the financial paper work, filing, making sure bills are paid on time, insurance stuff. I said sure. Apparently, we had lots of credit card debt on high interest cards that was out of control. I asked him how this happened. He said I was an expensive date. It took about five years to pay that crap off. True story.
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 When my husband was my boyfriend he took me out to REALLY expensive places and bought me lots of gifts. He always whipped out the credit card and never flinched. We got married and and after a couple of months he asked if I would mind taking over the financial paper work, filing, making sure bills are paid on time, insurance stuff. I said sure. Apparently, we had lots of credit card debt on high interest cards that was out of control. I asked him how this happened. He said I was an expensive date. It took about five years to pay that crap off. True story. How do you see that? do you find it endearing that he put himself in debt to woo you...or was it dumb? 1
Kovsky Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 I would have had no problem buying her dinner and would have insisted on paying if she had offered to split the bill. Her attitude is what is making me doubt whether or not I should continue dating her, or if I should try to just make it a casual thing. So, by your account, after one date, this woman's a princess with an attitude because she can't read your mind? Uh-huh. If you wanted her to go Dutch, it's your job to tell her that's what you want. Otherwise, like most people would, she assumed you'd pay for the date because you said nothing. The less you say the worse it'll get. 2
SummerDreams Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 In my eyes if a man treats you it means he is expecting something and letting him pay for you kind of verifies that you agree with it and you plan to do it (yes, I'm talking about sex). Many will say, what is wrong with two people who like each other to have sex? Nothing wrong, I'll say BUT, there's a but. It's one thing a man expecting it and wishing for it and another thing demanding it, at least in his mind, cause he paid for a dinner (or two, or three). In the first case things are equal, nobody "owes" anybody anything and they have sex when they both feel like it. In the second case the man has the mindset that he deserves the sex cause he paid. Does any man want to have sex with a woman he feels he paid for? And does any woman want to have sex with a man she feels he paid for her? Ewww. 1
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 In my eyes if a man treats you it means he is expecting something and letting him pay for you kind of verifies that you agree with it and you plan to do it (yes, I'm talking about sex). Many will say, what is wrong with two people who like each other to have sex? Nothing wrong, I'll say BUT, there's a but. It's one thing a man expecting it and wishing for it and another thing demanding it, at least in his mind, cause he paid for a dinner (or two, or three). In the first case things are equal, nobody "owes" anybody anything and they have sex when they both feel like it. In the second case the man has the mindset that he deserves the sex cause he paid. Does any man want to have sex with a woman he feels he paid for? And does any woman want to have sex with a man she feels he paid for her? Ewww. Bad outlook....True today? Maybe but come on give us dudes a chance.
Heatherknows Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 How do you see that? do you find it endearing that he put himself in debt to woo you...or was it dumb? Maybe a bit of both. In any case, I worked many jobs to help pay off those bills and now we have a funny story that we laugh about from time to time. Now we have a house and are "house poor" and almost never go out to eat. Which is fine I'd rather eat at home. 1
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Maybe a bit of both. In any case, I worked many jobs to help pay off those bills and now we have a funny story that we laugh about from time to time. Now we have a house and are "house poor" and almost never go out to eat. Which is fine I'd rather eat at home. Thats good, And that's real life...No ones perfect and its all about working it out together. Cheers. 2
SummerDreams Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Bad outlook....True today? Maybe but come on give us dudes a chance. Better safe than sorry.
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Better safe than sorry. Safe and alone? or sorry and in love.....Ok my head hurts need more coffee.
smackie9 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Thank you. So i'll have to admit now that i was completely in the wrong and shouldn't have judged her so quickly. She had badminton equipment with her so i only had to pay a small amount to rent the court and we went for hot chocolate afterwards which she paid for. Unfortunately i realised we're not compatible as she mentioned that she goes out drinking most weekends and sometimes gets so drunk that she can't remember what happened, which i consider a deal breaker. After that i told her i wasn't looking for anything too serious but she's still happy to see me again. I'm not quite sure why this thread got 15 pages of responses but i'm grateful for all the advice. Too bad there was a deal breaker after all lol. Life is full of surprises eh? I was thinking....people do change when settled into a relationship....maybe this is why she drinks herself silly on the weekends...because she doesn't have someone that keeps her balanced. Just my thought. 3
SummerDreams Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Safe and alone? or sorry and in love.....Ok my head hurts need more coffee. Safe, alone and with my integrity intact. I can't be in love with someone who will think I owe him sex due to him paying for one dinner. So I prefer to pay for my dinner and be seen as an equal part of this couple. Safe and simple. No need to let money play a role in our new adventure. 1
Redfisher Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Safe, alone and with my integrity intact. I can't be in love with someone who will think I owe him sex due to him paying for one dinner. So I prefer to pay for my dinner and be seen as an equal part of this couple. Safe and simple. No need to let money play a role in our new adventure. Thanks for explaining, I value every ones ideals. Do you make this clear when dating? Sorry for bugging.
SummerDreams Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Thanks for explaining, I value every ones ideals. Do you make this clear when dating? Sorry for bugging. You are not bugging me at all, I like the discussion. Yes I do make it clear from the first date, each one pays for their own food/drink/tickets etc. With my bf we used to split everything when we first started dating and after a while we decided to have a common wallet where we'd put the same amount each in a month and pay everything from this wallet (our common wallet). I find it the fairest way to do this and it makes me feel secure that nobody "buys" my company. And I want to clarify that I am NOT a feminist, I do it just out of my own view of fairness. 3
salparadise Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 In my eyes if a man treats you it means he is expecting something and letting him pay for you kind of verifies that you agree with it and you plan to do it (yes, I'm talking about sex). Many will say, what is wrong with two people who like each other to have sex? Nothing wrong, I'll say BUT, there's a but. It's one thing a man expecting it and wishing for it and another thing demanding it, at least in his mind, cause he paid for a dinner (or two, or three). In the first case things are equal, nobody "owes" anybody anything and they have sex when they both feel like it. In the second case the man has the mindset that he deserves the sex cause he paid. Does any man want to have sex with a woman he feels he paid for? And does any woman want to have sex with a man she feels he paid for her? Ewww. I realize that some women who believe in paying their share use this line of reasoning, and I guess some men are like that. That's a shame, and I don't think women should use that line of reasoning. No man should ever presume such entitlement. I paid for a lot of dates over the past five years with women I never saw again, because we just didn't click. It was always an equal opportunity to have a conversation and determine if there was mutual interest. Why should every such meeting cost one person double-every time, and for the other it's a free ride every time? And if it's not right for a man to have a sense of entitlement, why is it acceptable for women? The reason women should offer is because fair is fair, and if they want to be seen as equal partners and equal human beings they have to shed this entitlement mindset and actually be equal. Simple as that. 1
Hopeful30 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Be reminded that only in the West do people think it's normal to split the cheque. Almost everywhere else, men should pay. You're the weird one here lol
Ic1 Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Taking it to the next level, I believe women are equally responsible for life costs of living! I've seen too many women expecting a boyfriend to pay for all rent, utilities, and such even though they make an income as well. Freeloaders. Not that a woman expecting the man to pay the first date will be a freeloader, enough signs of it could end up being a red flag of it!
SwordofFlame Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Be reminded that only in the West do people think it's normal to split the cheque. Almost everywhere else, men should pay. You're the weird one here lol And in "almost everywhere else", women are also expected to cook, clean, take care of the kids while the men work. Don't compare apples to oranges.
katiegrl Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 Taking it to the next level, I believe women are equally responsible for life costs of living! I've seen too many women expecting a boyfriend to pay for all rent, utilities, and such even though they make an income as well. Freeloaders. ***Not that a woman expecting the man to pay the first date will be a freeloader, enough signs of it could end up being a red flag of it!*** Agree and IMO if she is not offering to pay after 3-4 dates, there is a good chance of this being the case... But as I have been saying, many women just don't know what to do on those first couple of dates, especially the first. Should I offer? Will he think I'm not interested? Feel insulted, emasculated? Again, I have dated men who thought this. Or, if I don't offer and he pays, will he secretly resent me and go home and rant on a message board or to his friends about it ...and accuse me of being a princess? This whole topic of who pays on the first few dates is so damn ambiguous! And doesn't indicate much of anything except that people are nervous, tentative, and don't know quite what to do.... and/or how what they do (or don't do) will be received.
losangelena Posted November 17, 2015 Posted November 17, 2015 And in "almost everywhere else", women are also expected to cook, clean, take care of the kids while the men work. Don't compare apples to oranges. I don't think that's what Hopeful meant. The countries where women are expected to stay exclusively in the home are also ones where modern dating practices don't exist. There is no debate over who pays for a first date when its your families who are arranging the marriage. Besides, even in countries that have dual-incomes households, it's still women who bear the brunt of the housework and childcare. Why It Matters That Women Do Most of the Housework | The Nation 1
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