She didn't offer to split the bill. Should i disregard her?

[Redfisher]

I know its sad, But whenever someone is telling me a story along these lines or another behavior, I always ask first if she is hot... Only because I know guys think like that.

[TheFinalWord]

I invited a girl from POF to go out for a drink. The night before the date she said that we should get dinner instead and i agreed. She didn't offer to split the bill at the end even though it was her idea to go out for a meal and we played a couple of games of air hockey afterwards and i even ended up paying for that as well.

 

 

Now she wants us to play badminton (she probably expects me to pay for that too lol) but now i'm unsure if I should bother so i'm thinking of just inviting her to my place "to watch a movie" and if she doesn't go then just disregarding her. It's unlikely that she would go because she seems quite conservative. If it wasn't for her acting like a princess then i would really want to see her again. I'm usually a bit shy when i first meet someone but with her i felt no awkwardness at all and we got on really well and had a laugh so i don't know if i'm overreacting?

 

Should have said no to dinner, you have other plans, but would like to get the drink. She would also not think you have nothing else going on but her.

 

Don't invite her to your house, play badminton and then see if you want to watch movie afterwards.

[Odinani]

Why should she offer to split the bill?

[Rydo]

HAHAHA, omg.

 

Yeah, a woman needs to act correct unless she's hot, then everything can slide.

 

Hrm ... makes you wonder how some women end up with such entitled attitudes, doesn't it?

 

Doesn't make me wonder that at all. Makes me wonder how people can't see an obvious joke comment for what it was though.

[Rydo]

You might be surprised to know that there are many men who would be *insulted* if a woman offered to pay on that first date. I know my fiance would have been.

 

Such men enjoy being the provider .... they actually enjoying treating, it is their pleasure to treat! On those first few dates.

 

I get that you and some other men don't feel that way, which is fine.

 

But with some men requiring that she pay (or offering to pay) .... and some men feeling insulted if she offered to pay .... I don't get your judgmental and negative attitide when a woman doesn't conform to what YOU personally require ... lest you won't ask her out again!

 

Why not give her the benefit of the doubt (at least) that she DID NOT know that that is what YOU required .... and get to know her a bit ..... before prematurely pulling the plug.

 

Assuming you actually LIKE her ...and not looking for a convenient excuse (in your own mind) to not ask her out again.

 

I enjoy being the provider. I pay for more than my fair share even with my friends. But I think it shows a lack of manners to expect it.

 

I'm not sure why I should have to get to know someone more if I decide I'm not interested after the first date. Whether I'm no longer interested because I disagree with her outlook on dating or for the way someone looks or because she picks her nose and eats it, it's irrelevant.

[katiegrl]

I enjoy being the provider. I pay for more than my fair share even with my friends. But I think it shows a lack of manners to expect it.

 

I'm not sure why I should have to get to know someone more if I decide I'm not interested after the first date. Whether I'm no longer interested because I disagree with her outlook on dating or for the way someone looks or because she picks her nose and eats it, it's irrelevant.

 

I agree you don't *have* to do anything, including get to know a woman if you're not attracted to her...or don't like her for whatever reason.

 

However, your previous post suggested that the *only* reason you weren't asking her out again was because she did not offer to pay.

 

**That "may" be because she has bad manners ... OR it "may* be because she was afraid offering to pay would insult you and turn you off!***

 

***Since you don't know which it is, why not get to know her in an effort to find out ..before you decide she's not for you ... ****

 

Now if you are not attracted to her for *other* reasons ... FINE. Don't ask her out again.

 

But that is not what you said (or implied) in your previous post.

 

You worded it such that the ONLY reason you might not want to ask her out again, was because she didn't offer to pay... which is a little judgmental IMO (see my comments in asterisk ^^).

Edited November 13, 2015 by katiegrl

[mrldii]

I agree you don't *have* to do anything, including get to know a woman if you're not attracted to her...or don't like her for whatever reason.

 

However, your previous post suggested that the *only* reason you weren't asking her out again was because she did not offer to pay.

 

**That "may" be because she has bad manners ... OR it "may* be because she was afraid offering to pay would insult you and turn you off!***

 

***Since you don't know which it is, why not get to know her in an effort to find out ..before you decide she's not for you ... ****

 

Now if you are not attracted to her for *other* reasons ... FINE. Don't ask her out again.

 

But that is not what you said (or implied) in your previous post.

 

You worded it such that the ONLY reason you might not want to ask her out again, was because she didn't offer to pay... which is a little judgmental IMO (see my comments in asterisk ^^).

 

Can't argue with that logic (even it IS coming from a woman).

 

I may need to rethink that whole "Insist on paying especially if you're NOT interested" to "Under no circumstances should you pay...let HIM weed himself out as a jerk...and one who will NEVER call you again...just on general principle".

 

 

 

Yes, indeedy..."a 'feminazi'ing princess" may have just been born. Thank you, boys!!!

[losangelena]

Doesn't make me wonder that at all. Makes me wonder how people can't see an obvious joke comment for what it was though.

 

No, you're right it wasn't obviously a joke. But even if you're not being serious, I have no doubt that some men do give "hotter" women a pass when it comes to bad behavior. And that's not problematic or anything.

[Rydo]

I agree you don't *have* to do anything, including get to know a woman if you're not attracted to her...or don't like her for whatever reason.

 

However, your previous post suggested that the *only* reason you weren't asking her out again was because she did not offer to pay.

 

**That "may" be because she has bad manners ... OR it "may* be because she was afraid offering to pay would insult you and turn you off!***

 

***Since you don't know which it is, why not get to know her in an effort to find out ..before you decide she's not for you ... ****

 

Now if you are not attracted to her for *other* reasons ... FINE. Don't ask her out again.

 

But that is not what you said (or implied) in your previous post.

 

You worded it such that the ONLY reason you might not want to ask her out again, was because she didn't offer to pay... which is a little judgmental IMO (see my comments in asterisk ^^).

 

I haven't dated someone who didn't offer to split. Maybe it just isn't common where I am from or with the age range of girls I go for.

 

So not wanting to date someone because she didn't offer to split is judgemental but any other reason isn't judgemental?

 

I can't read minds, I would have no idea why someone would decide to offer to split or not. I don't really want to have to wait to figure it out either.

 

Turned off by the offer to split... Can't think of anything less likely and clearly neither can the girls I have dated that offered to split.

[Rydo]

No, you're right it wasn't obviously a joke. But even if you're not being serious, I have no doubt that some men do give "hotter" women a pass when it comes to bad behavior. And that's not problematic or anything.

 

I don't speak for what other men do or don't do. I also don't think giving a pass to someone hot can be considered a gender specific trait either.

 

I'm not sure what you are getting at with your last sentence either, are you attempting to imply I think making allowances based on hotness is OK?

[Shining One]

No, you're right it wasn't obviously a joke. But even if you're not being serious, I have no doubt that some men do give "hotter" women a pass when it comes to bad behavior. And that's not problematic or anything.

To be fair, many men and women give attractive people a pass on bad behavior.

[katiegrl]

I haven't dated someone who didn't offer to split. Maybe it just isn't common where I am from or with the age range of girls I go for.

 

So not wanting to date someone because she didn't offer to split is judgemental but any other reason isn't judgemental?

 

I can't read minds, I would have no idea why someone would decide to offer to split or not. I don't really want to have to wait to figure it out either.

 

Turned off by the offer to split... Can't think of anything less likely and clearly neither can the girls I have dated that offered to split.

 

Well I have dated men who looked at me like I was an alien from outer space when I offered to split. Lol. On the first date when HE did the asking.

 

Yes they were insulted, and my fiance confirmed that when HE asked a woman out, he EXPECTED to pay, and if a woman offered to split, he would conclude she wasn't that interested in him, and he would be insulted.

 

Perhaps it is demographics ..I am 37 and he is 43. He also has a huge ego ..lol, which may be at play here too....

[losangelena]

I don't speak for what other men do or don't do. I also don't think giving a pass to someone hot can be considered a gender specific trait either.

 

I'm not sure what you are getting at with your last sentence either, are you attempting to imply I think making allowances based on hotness is OK?

 

Not you specifically, since you explained that your previous post was a joke, just problematic in general.

[Rydo]

Well I have dated men who looked at me like I was an alien from outer space when I offered to split. Lol

 

Yes they were insulted, and my fiance confirmed that when HE asked a woman out, he EXPECTED to pay, and if a woman offered to split, he would conclude she wasn't that interested in him, and he would be insulted.

 

Perhaps it is demographics ..I am 37 and he is 43. He also has a huge ego ..lol, which may be at play here too....

 

I thought you might be older but didn't want to offend. I think things are just different for people currently in their twenties. I'm sure when your fiance was my age he didn't have as many ways to find dates as there is now. 3 dates a week gets expensive.

[losangelena]

Well I have dated men who looked at me like I was an alien from outer space when I offered to split. Lol. On the first date when HE did the asking.

 

Yes they were insulted, and my fiance confirmed that when HE asked a woman out, he EXPECTED to pay, and if a woman offered to split, he would conclude she wasn't that interested in him, and he would be insulted.

 

Perhaps it is demographics ..I am 37 and he is 43. He also has a huge ego ..lol, which may be at play here too....

 

FWIW, I've had this experience, too, where guys have gotten offended when I've attempted to pay/split the bill.

[Rydo]

Not you specifically, since you explained that your previous post was a joke, just problematic in general.

 

With both sexes I'm sure.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

FWIW, I've had this experience, too, where guys have gotten offended when I've attempted to pay/split the bill.

 

We appreciate the effort, rather than the act.

[katiegrl]

We appreciate the effort, rather than the act.

 

You appreciate ...while also feeling offended/insulted?

 

Or do YOU appreciate the effort, while OTHER men feel offended/insulted?

 

On the first date when a man did the asking, how is a woman to know which type of man he is? Whether he will appreciate OR get offended?

 

We are not mind readers either!

 

We all need to give each other a break... give each other the benefit of the doubt until we get to know better..

Edited November 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

We appreciate the effort, rather than the act.

 

No, not in those cases, I don't think the effort was appreciated. It was seen as offensive, like I said.

 

Again, so many people have varying views and strong opinions on this topic. It's almost as if when the check comes, all the other qualities of a person fade away into the background. Suddenly, a man who pays is invested and generous, a woman who doesn't is entitled; a man who splits is parsimonious, and a woman who does so is untrusting of a man's ability to pay or disinterested. If you're model-hot, all bets are off. It sounds like a lose/lose situation, half the time—who the hell can keep track?

 

It's one aspect of dating, and we love to debate it over and over ad nauseam on this board. But the bottom line is everyone has a different opinion about what's acceptable and what isn't. And I think it's all fine and good. I have my personal preferences, yet I'm not necessarily going to dock an otherwise cool and interesting fellow just because of his first-date paying habits.

 

You may appreciate the a woman's efforts, when another man wouldn't, and another man would expect it.

 

Seems as if the best thing would be to communicate expectations, but since no one seems to like talking about money, I suppose the second-best option is simply giving everyone a pass for date one and see what happens on date two, if there is one.

[S_A]

If that's the way to win this girl over, I'd just move on and let the other guys spend.

 

Guys that don't pay for dates sounds are the type of guys that like to wait around for a woman to come to them. Not trying to sound like an a-hole, just making an observation.

[RedRobin]

I am not in my twenties and I have always offered to pay my share my entire adult life. I work in an all male field, and so perhaps, I had more reasons to want to change this bit of, 'tradition'. Perhaps because I work around all men, I don't see a guy paying as evidence of anything... To me, it is simply an act of fairness for the woman to offer and mean it. So, as far as it being SOME sign of character... Yep, it probably is.

 

I always thought it was ridiculous that some women who claim to want and expect equal treatment in other areas of life all of a sudden think it's fair to expect a guy pay for them. I don't like double standards. Never have. Don't like hypocrites. Never have.

 

It is probably not a coincidence then, that the women who insist on a guy paying have the backwards approach of offering to split, rather than just tell the guy she isn't interested.

 

OTOH, if you are a guy who likes to pay, don't assume that the woman is not interested. She might just be like me... Someone who wants a real partner, not a cash cow.

[mrldii]

To reiterate what katiegirl and losangelena have stated, personally, I've never felt felt much appreciation for my efforts when being labeled a "feminazi" (either in person or online) for offering to split the bill, instead of allowing "a man to be 'The Man'" and not to "immasculate" him, in public no less, by paying my fair share.

 

Jus' sayin'.

[losangelena]

To reiterate what katiegirl and losangelena have stated, personally, I've never felt felt much appreciation for my efforts when being labeled a "feminazi" (either in person or online) for offering to split the bill, instead of allowing "a man to be 'The Man'" and not to "immasculate" him, in public no less, by paying my fair share.

 

Jus' sayin'.

 

Ya know, a little OT, but circling back to that thread about the promiscuous girl that's going on right now, I think any guy who expects a woman to split the bill had better be OK with her having a sexual past, too. How's that for equal?

 

(Not implying that anyone on this thread does or doesn't feel that way, just making an observation)

[katiegrl]

No, not in those cases, I don't think the effort was appreciated. It was seen as offensive, like I said.

 

Again, so many people have varying views and strong opinions on this topic. It's almost as if when the check comes, all the other qualities of a person fade away into the background. Suddenly, a man who pays is invested and generous, a woman who doesn't is entitled; a man who splits is parsimonious, and a woman who does so is untrusting of a man's ability to pay or disinterested. If you're model-hot, all bets are off. It sounds like a lose/lose situation, half the time—who the hell can keep track?

 

It's one aspect of dating, and we love to debate it over and over ad nauseam on this board. But the bottom line is everyone has a different opinion about what's acceptable and what isn't. And I think it's all fine and good. I have my personal preferences, yet I'm not necessarily going to dock an otherwise cool and interesting fellow just because of his first-date paying habits.

 

You may appreciate the a woman's efforts, when another man wouldn't, and another man would expect it.

 

Seems as if the best thing would be to communicate expectations, but since no one seems to like talking about money, I suppose the second-best option is simply giving everyone a pass for date one and see what happens on date two, if there is one.

 

^^This!!

 

Last paragraph -- that is exactly what my fiance and I did pretty much from the get go!

 

He made it clear HE preferred paying, enjoyed paying, while I "paid him back" in other ways. Even to this day, he feels a little weird when I suggest paying. And we're living together and getting married next year!

 

Before our first vaca together, HE initiated the talk about how we would handle the finances.

 

He makes way more than I do, so it warranted a discussion in his opinion, as he did not think 50/50 split would be fair to me.

 

So I paid for airfare and he paid for hotel (one week) food and entertainment.

 

Trip cost around $6,500 grand total, airfare round trip for two (my share) was around $2,500.

 

HE suggested that split...

 

My point is why can't people talk about this stuff...since it's such an Achilles heel for so many people ...and can actually ruin a potential romantic connection from happening and developing!

 

I don't get it.....

Edited November 14, 2015 by katiegrl

[Shining One]

Guys that don't pay for dates sounds are the type of guys that like to wait around for a woman to come to them. Not trying to sound like an a-hole, just making an observation.

Do you have evidence to back up this claim? Or any studies of appropriate sample sizes? I've asked out close to two-hundred women (not counting OLD) and I prefer women who pay for alternating dates.

My point is why can't people talk about this stuff...since it's such an Achilles heel for so many people ...and can actually ruin a potential romantic connection from happening and developing!

 

I don't get it.....

I wish I had a good answer for this one. I have no trouble talking about the money situation in the relationship phase, but it's tough during those early dates. I've said goodbye to a few women after 3-5 dates of them never glancing at their purse (or in one case, not bringing one).