My breakup has made me a mess

[Glibous]

Hey guys,

 

I was in a relationship for 11 years. The relationship had a lot of ups and downs. We started off working together and she wrote a letter to me saying she liked me and wanted to go out with me. I never spoke with her before so I decided to get to know her before making that decision. After we hung out a few times I decided to give a relationship a try.

 

At first the relationship was good. We would talk, I would pick her up from work and hang out at my place and drop her home 3 - 4am in the morning. Initially I had time to be on my own and hang out with her.

 

The relationship started going sour the first few months in and she showed signs she was not happy with us. We would still hang out but she started to show little interest in me. It got to the point where I was going to end the relationship.

 

She called me one day telling me she is getting kicked out of her house and doesn't know what she is going to do. She would give me stories about living in a shelter and it really broke my heart. Me being the nice guy I was decided to move out of my parents place and rent an apartment with her.

 

About a year of living together things were really good...then she told me she has a crazy debt of around $14,000 dollars and doesn't know what to do again. This was another red flag to bail out of the relationship. Being the nice guy I was, I went to my bank and took out a Line of Credit. Between that and spending around $5000 I worked down around $11,000 of the debt. She went to credit counselling to work the remaining amount down her self. While I was paying down my line of credit, she maxed out her cards again. I worked those down again raising my contribution to around $16,000. At this point I started to lose patients and my attitude started to change with her. I told her to cut up the cards because she is not responsible. Now...I was thinking about our financial future.

 

I came up with a plan where she doesn't have any credit cards, I would give her my credit card and she would let me know when she is going to use it. That was I can monitor the spending and compensate or reiterate to her the need to spend cautiously.

 

Around 1 year after that her brother got kicked out of the same place she did. She asked me if her brother could stay for a bit. I told her that's not a problem, he can crash here until they resolve things and he can move back. I found out later that was never the plan. He wanted to stay with us. I was extremely patient and said he can stay as long as he works and contributes. I am not harbouring dead-beats.

 

She told me he was giving her $200 bucks every pay cheque. I trusted her and said that is fine. Although when I would head to work he would be home, when I come back he would be home. I wasn't sure what type of hours he was working.

 

This went on for around 2 years....Yeah...

 

He eventually said he got fired from work and just vegetated on our couch. I spoke with her to motivate him to get another job. As long as he tries he can stay, if he doesn't try he has to go. She was extremely upset with me that I gave her this conversation.

 

While he was there I felt that I was being taken advantage of, this made me feel like a 3rd wheel in the place I was paying for so I started to distance myself from both of them. I would give her the occasional speech that he needs to work or go. Eventually after a year later she told him he has to go.

 

From that point she never forgave me. Things were really bad with us. I started to go out with friends just to get a break. I was going out once a week. She would argue with me every time I would go out. When I asked her to do things she would give me a reason that she couldn't...not in the mood, etc. She wouldn't want to go anywhere but would want me to stay or would tell me to tell them she wants to hang with me now while they are waiting for me....I would say no it's too late. We can hang tomorrow.

 

In 2012 I did something I regretted in the relationship. I cheated on her. She asked me and I owned up to it. I apologized immensely, she forgave me and the thought to do so never crossed my mind again. What I didn't know was she never really forgave me.

 

In August 2013, we had a child together. She wanted a child because she thought it would change my habits of going out with friends which I still did from time to time. She wanted to control me and used a child to try to do so.

 

I stopped going out with friends after I got into a car accident. Everything started to stress me out so I would no longer go out, I would stay home and play video games. That way she knew where I was and I had something to do while she didn't want to do anything with me.

 

I started to play a lot of video games. Something I am not proud of. She stopped putting an effort in asking me to do anything.

 

One day she came up to me and said she wanted to go to her home country for a month to see her mom and she wants to take my kid. I told her sure, she hasn't seen her mom in years to that would be good for her. I told her I loved them and wanted things to be better when they get back.

 

After she left I found doing things on my own were boring and I couldn't wait for them to get back again. Then mail came in from collections.

 

I found out she had another credit card for a year she never told me about. One day when she video chatted with me I brought it up and was pretty upset. She asked me why i'm going through her mail, I asked her why she lied about having a credit card (I suspected she had one and asked her previoiusly and she said no)

 

To wrap up this story, a week after she got back from her home country she broke up with me. I heard a message on her tablet of her saying she loved this guy from that area. She actually went to see him. She had been talking to that guy for over a year setting up the meet and building their relationship. Not only that, the government gives money for every child. In this case lets say it was $500. She told me she wasn't getting it. In fact she was getting it and was lying to me so I could pay for our bills and child while she used it on herself and sent money to her mother.

 

Since the breakup I have been looking into a lot of her activities from months before and found she has been lying to me about a lot of things and setting up a new relationship so she can have an easy transition when she breaks up with me.

 

I went through hell when she broke up with me. A flood of emotions surfaced and I wanted nothing more then to get back with her and do my best for the relationship as I felt it was my fault the relationship ended. She was not feeling anything about the breakup because she has another man she can pour her emotions into.

 

They are in a long distance relationship right now and it gets stronger. I am in a bad position where I am still in the apartment trying to get the separation agreement done for our son so I can move out and move on. I have accepted that the relationship is over.

 

A part of me still wants to get with her. I have to ask...am I an idiot for wanting to be with her still. All of my friends believe I am and I know it would be a problem because I now know she is capable of lying to me without remorse.

 

To this day the only time she talks to me is to ask for money, or tell me she doesn't know how she is going to survive when I'm gone. I have become cold to those conversations because I am nothing more than a provider at this point. While I am there she wants me to spend money but she doesn't want me so I am trying to get out ASAP and improve myself and rebuild my live.

 

Sorry for the long story everyone. I am a stickler for detail.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Glibous

[Dylon]

Wow, all that drama. Shouldn't you be glad you are done with it instead of thinking it's a mess? Looks like the future is brighter than the past?

[ManyDissapoint]

This person used you like an ATM, and you want her back? NEVER let someone back into your life who treats you like that. There's no returning from massive disrespect like that.

 

You need to look out for you now, hopefully she marries that guy she's dating. Then you will be off the hook for alimony.

[Blanco]

To this day the only time she talks to me is to ask for money, or tell me she doesn't know how she is going to survive when I'm gone. I have become cold to those conversations because I am nothing more than a provider at this point.

 

I have news for you. You were ALWAYS the provider.

 

You established very early in the relationship that you were willing to bail her out of any of life's problems she faced. Have no place to stay? Come live with me. Massive credit card debt? Here's a line of credit. Maxed out all of your cards... again? Here's MY credit card.

 

You offer a lot of detail in your story, but some things I'm curious about: Why was she kicked out of her house? Why did she have so much debt? What was she spending money on when she maxed out her cards again?

 

I'm pretty lousy with money, but I can tell you that for me, my partner maxing out her cards again while *I* was paying down HER debt would've been game over for me. At some point, a partner becomes a liability to you, and it sounds like you recognized that. However, instead of sending her on her way, you doubled down and just let her use your credit card.

 

You were in pretty deep with this person and, unfortunately, brought an innocent child into this mix. This woman sounds utterly toxic and like a complete user. You sound like a fixer. A match made in hell, for sure.

 

A couple books you might want to check out are Codependency No More and No More Mr. Nice Guy. I think you will see yourself a LOT in both of these books. Use this unfortunate story to change some of your own self-destructive ways.

[Glibous]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I should have added the information about her.

 

1. She was kicked out because she was always getting into arguments with the family.

She was brought to Canada when she was 18 and she was living with her father and step mother. They had enough of her arguing to the point where they kicked her out. Now, they technically couldn't have kicked her out because they sponsored her and were responsible for her for a few years but I did not know that.

 

2. I still do not know how she accumulated so much debt. Honestly, I never asked, I just knew I was going to help her.

One thing I know is she paid for a trip for her and her family which came up to around $3000. She was supposed to get some money back but they never paid her so she came to me for help.

 

3. She was sending money to her mother and would buy stuff online using her credit card. This was what really upset me and that's when I told her to cut up the cards because she was very financially irresponsible.

 

I am absolutely going to check out those books @Blanco, thank you for the information.

[Glibous]

@Dylon I know things will get better but I still love her despite her toxic nature. I know it will take time and I need to stay committed to not trying to get her back.

 

@ManyDissapoint I know what you mean. I was her bank machine. Even today she calls and asks if I can buy things. I have completely shut her down. I know I enabled her to be this way. I know now without me she will not be able to cope because she has never had to in the past. She will either become a more responsible person for the next person in her life or she will fail. In the end, I know I am going to look out for two people. Myself and my son.

[schiller]

In the end, I know I am going to look out for two people. Myself and my son.

 

Until she takes your son and moves back to her home country to be with her mom and the new guy.

[basil67]

Being the nice guy I was, I went to my bank and took out a Line of Credit. Between that and spending around $5000 I worked down around $11,000 of the debt. She went to credit counselling to work the remaining amount down her self. While I was paying down my line of credit, she maxed out her cards again.

 

You need to change your view of yourself. This is not the behaviour of a nice guy. It's the behaviour of a stupid guy. Or a doormat guy.

 

One can be a nice guy and still be sensible. He can be thoughtful and caring but have boundaries which stop him from being taken advantage of.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is to hopefully save you from joining those self described 'nice guys' who complain that they get used and abused or can't get girlfriends. Recognise that your decision was stupid - not 'nice'

[Glibous]

Until she takes your son and moves back to her home country to be with her mom and the new guy.

 

I have my son flagged at the airport and border. If she tries to leave with him I will be notified and she will be put in jail. He cant leave the country for 5 years or until I have the flag removed.

 

Even if she gets a consent form with my signature I'll receive a call and he csnt leave until I authorize it.

 

Trust me I know she is capable of trying this.

[Glibous]

You need to change your view of yourself. This is not the behaviour of a nice guy. It's the behaviour of a stupid guy. Or a doormat guy.

 

One can be a nice guy and still be sensible. He can be thoughtful and caring but have boundaries which stop him from being taken advantage of.

 

The reason I'm telling you this is to hopefully save you from joining those self described 'nice guys' who complain that they get used and abused or can't get girlfriends. Recognise that your decision was stupid - not 'nice'

 

At the time I felt I was doing a selfless nice thing for a person I really cared for. I had hoped she would be responsible enough to pay her debts not thinking about the huge debt she incurred.

 

This is not something I'm going to go around telling people never trust women they are all the same. This is a life lesson that you can never go all in for someone until you know for sure they are the one.

 

As much as i hate the outcome of this relationship, it has made me a wiser person who knows to never give too much but never hold back too much either.

 

I made it all about her and her needs forsaking my own which was a big mistake. I will not do that again.

 

To summarize, I know now that it was a stupid thing to do on my part. I wouldn't say I'm a stupid guy but I did make stupid choices which enabled her to take advantage of me further.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Glibous

[Mrlovahlovah]

I was gonna throw in my 2cents on the situation but seeing how you summarised the whole thing perfectly i'm just going to go ahead and say you seem like a top notch guy, intelligent and self-aware. you got sucked into a toxic relationship, circumstances and uncontrollable feelings blinded you and made you act irrationally. being a nice guy isn't a mistake, going against those "nice guy" instincts is unhealthy and will either attract the wrong kind of women or contribute to building a toxic relationship. the only thing that needs adjusting is your "nice girl" radar, and as you so nicely put it, the "going all in" syndrome, completely ignoring your own good.

 

focus on taking care of your child for now, you seem like you could be a great father to him, as opposed to your ex, which i shiver only from the thought of her being a mother to someone.

[Glibous]

I was gonna throw in my 2cents on the situation but seeing how you summarised the whole thing perfectly i'm just going to go ahead and say you seem like a top notch guy, intelligent and self-aware. you got sucked into a toxic relationship, circumstances and uncontrollable feelings blinded you and made you act irrationally. being a nice guy isn't a mistake, going against those "nice guy" instincts is unhealthy and will either attract the wrong kind of women or contribute to building a toxic relationship. the only thing that needs adjusting is your "nice girl" radar, and as you so nicely put it, the "going all in" syndrome, completely ignoring your own good.

 

focus on taking care of your child for now, you seem like you could be a great father to him, as opposed to your ex, which i shiver only from the thought of her being a mother to someone.

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

There were definitely a lot of red flags throughout our relationship where I should have ended it but I was so focused on who I thought she could be I did and put up with a lot of things I should not have.

 

I always thought she was a great mother but I heard from one of her ex close friends that she did things to our child to manipulate me.

 

One example is, I went out with some friends and she called me to come home. I told her I would be home later so she pinched our 6 month baby until he cried and told me something was wrong. I didn't know so I raced to get home.

 

Now this is all from what I heard, I do not believe anything I haven't seen 100% but the idea of that being true, even in the slightest motivates me to be a great father to my son because he will need a parent who looks out for him 100%

 

P.S. If I could prove any of the stuff she did I would be fighting for sole custody because anyone who can do that to their child doesn't deserve one.