paige29 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 First of, I am terrified to post this because I do not want to be judged as a heartless person. Upon saying that: I have been with my boyfriend for over two years. We live together, we’re best friends, he knows me better than anyway, yada yada, everyone’s heard it before. We've known each other since high school, had flings during that time, I went to college, and upon graduating and returning home, we got together officially. It was a situation where it took me a long time to admit that we were dating, to tell my friends and family, and to tell him that I loved him. There was something always holding me back, and this is where the shallow aspect comes in: he is not attractive to me. He makes me laugh more than any person I know. He is beyond caring and wants nothing but the best for me. He tells me how beautiful I am multiple times a day and tells me he loves me multiple times a day. Yet I have never told him he is hot, sexy, good looking. Because I do not think he is. I frequently think about my exes and how I would tell them how beautiful and attractive they were constantly. I cannot say that to my current boyfriend because I would be lying. As a side note, I am an alcoholic and so is he and when we were drinking, sex was never a problem because addiction blurs things. However, we have both been sober for over one year and he is hands down the most supportive person in my life and has helped me heal. There is a huge emotional connection that I fear I will never find again, yet kissing is almost painful because I don't like being intimate with him. I try to force sex but he knows I’m not into it and we stop and he gets depressed because he thinks (knows?) its’ him and he confronts me about it but I make up some lies. I am sick of the cycle because I know it is hurting him, so I have decided to post here to ask for help. I also get confused because once every few weeks I will be in the mood and I have no problem being passionate with him. I used to think that my lack of sexual interest was due to the pills I take or stress but lately I've found myself thinking about other guys/girls (I'm bi) and how I want them. So, after reading this one might say that no ****, I need to break up with him because I seem like the world's most horrible human if I can't give him the words and physical connection that he deserves. But I am so scared that he is the only person that I will ever connect with to this degree and that nobody will ever make me laugh as hard or understand how mentally unstable I can be. We've talked about marriage and kids and it all seems so simple but I constantly think about how I cannot be with a man for the rest of my life if I don’t want to touch them, or scream from a rooftop that he is the love of my life. I just re-read this. I feel disgusting, it is relatively apparent that I am staying with him for my own security and benefit and I am being cruel for not being honest with him. So I have two questions: is it possible that after a few more months or years or whatever that I will end up being attracted to him again and I should therefore remain in this relationship? Or, is it more important for me to end things now so that this loving, adorable, sweet, emotional man can find love with someone who reciprocates without a doubt?
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Whether you ever find a wonderful relationship in the future or not is immaterial: you know that this relationship can't continue. He deserves someone who is nuts about him, at least finds him attractive! And you clearly aren't happy either, given that you constantly think about how this can't be it for the rest of your life. But, for what it's worth, I do believe you will find something just as great. After each serious breakup in my life so far, I've despaired and been convinced I'll never find anyone else I love so much, who gets me, who I am crazy about and compatible with... and I always have. Moreso each time, as through years and relationships you get to know yourself better and better and what to look out for next time. Please don't stay with someone for fear of never finding anyone else. It's not fair on either of you. And congrats on the year sobriety. Have you had any therapy or counselling? It's just with you mentioning not knowing if you'd find anyone who knows and accepts your mental instability, perhaps it'd be a good idea to work on that instability so that you're in a good place to meet someone new who doesn't have to accept that about you. As most quality partners will run a mile from someone who has serious substance use problems or mental illness. Like can attract like and you don't want to attract another alcoholic if you're committed to staying off the booze for good. 1
normal person Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 There's nothing wrong with not being attracted to someone, you can't control that. However, I think there is something wrong with staying with someone you're not attracted to for your own benefit, because that you can control. You're wasting his time and preventing him from being with someone he'd be better off with. You sound like you'd be much better friends -- you're not going to snap your fingers one day and suddenly become attracted to him. I know it's not easy, but you have to stop wasting this guy's time, and yours. Best of luck.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Does he take care of himself physically? Does he take care of himself in terms of grooming? If yes, then there is really no wiggle room left to make this relationship work.
Male Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I am so scared that he is the only person that I will ever connect with to this degree and that nobody will ever make me laugh as hard or understand how mentally unstable I can be Many many men are very well aware of how mentally unstable some women are...you will not have trouble finding that again!
frogs88 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Contrary to popular views on this I'm not someone who believes succesful relationships are impossible without crazy in love feelings. But then again I certainly know that not everyone (or perhaps most) are cut out to deal with such a relationship. You've already admitted that it's something you hunger for and don't want to live without. I think thats critical enough that it will prevent this relationship from ever blossoming into something that saturates both of you. And that's why I think it's best if it ends. Sorry.
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