loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone. I just joined this community because I feel I can find at least one person that could understand me. I recently broke up with my bf. I broke up with him but of course not willingly... We started as simple. Two people enjoying each other's company, liking each other, getting to know each other.. I never wanted a relationship in the first place with him because he was going to move to another country in 2 months and my past relationships were a disaster. So when he told me he had fallen in love with me, I freaked out and cut him off. He didn't give up. He made it clear that he wouldn't care if his love was unrequited as long as I was with him. But haven't being treated like a princess for so long, I started developing strong feelings to him: I fell in love with him. Everything was going okay, but I knew I was damaged, had trust issues and his lack of empathy was not helping our relationship to survive either. He moved, settled and I went to visit him. Everything was nice but I was paranoid about some things such as him taking the stuffs his ex bought to him. Of course he started to socialize, meeting new people and I was sick of seeing +3 female friends increasing on his facebook everyday. Fights, fights, fights I couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. He never reached out to me, so a few days later I texted him but he said he loved me but didn't see any point of talking to me anymore because he wanted to move on and he wanted me to be "out of sight out of mind" for him and we had to see how we are doing without each other and if it's meant to be, our paths will cross again in the future. I blocked him from all of my social media accounts instead of my whatsapp... Now the reason I'm asking you guys to help me comes here: We have been broken up for 11 days and I've been doing the NC for 6 days now. I'm stalking him like crazy....He's 24/7 online on Whatsapp, sometimes until 5 am, I'm checking his facebook from my friend and he's not active there at all. Now I'm thinking he met someone and he's talking to her, going on a date with her everday. I'm going to see a therapist on Monday but I'm not sure I can stay sane until that day.I know NC is more about moving on but since we broke up I was always the one who reached out to him.He once told me he was tired of chasing women who leave him because he has done it so much in the past.I miss him like crazy and I do want to move close to him.:( What do you guys suggest?Should I find a way to move on?Will NC work and will he contact me maybe? Edited November 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs. ~T
makemineamac Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Just stop. Stop. I know how easy it is to get all wrapped up in the intensity of what you're going through, withdrawal, change and everything else. It can drive you crazy. And we just whip ourselves into a frenzy. Been there, done that, have the bumper sticker. You're doing great on the NC thing. Ask yourself the following questions: 1. How is the stalking of him benefitting me? 2. If he is with someone else, what business is it of mine? (Hint: It's none of your business, he's single and doesn't owe you anything) 3. He has told me he doesn't see any point of us talking anymore, so why am I burning all this energy wondering what he is doing? You need to be able to make it to next week when you see your therapist and there will be lots of great advice here from others, but maintain your NC, and your sanity as best you can. You are spinning right now, and there will be some more spinning before you will be able to get a grip on everything, but that day is coming. For now, breathe, tell yourself you deserve love and respect from someone and you will eventually meet that person. You can do this, I promise you can, but stop the stalking, it's not worth it and is providing zero value to you. 1
schiller Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 You were fighting every day and couldn't take it anymore. Just remember that every time you think about reaching out to him. It wasn't working. He had lots of female friends and you were jealous and paranoid, and that wouldn't stop even if you moved near him and tried to make another go of it. Besides he professed his love, as a result you dumped him, finally he gave up and moved on. He's done. You can't really blame him. Going NC isn't a way to get him back so when you say "do you think no contact will work", yes it will work if you use it to get over him and move on with your life, it won't work if you sit by the phone waiting for him to call you. 1
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 @makemineamac and @schiller I don't know how to thank you both because I'm literally crying right now. For the last 11 days this break up has been so hard on me since none of my friends can understand my constant obsession and stalking. It is so nice to be understood without being labeled as "crazy" and giving lame advices just to wrap it up. I really would like to add that before things turned ugly, he was really an amazing boyfriend, I was the hard one in the relationship. I think I just can't handle the fact that he wants to move on so fast and is actually able to do that. I wish I could go to bed, wake up 1 month later without all these feelings. I need to stop stalking, I know.
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 @makemineamac and @schiller I don't know how to thank you both because I'm literally crying right now. Be good to yourself now. From what you said, he wasn't the guy that could meet your needs. You do need to slowly gain the trust in men again, and he wasn't one that could take care of those needs. He has moved on. It's obvious. Seeing more of his activities on whatsapp and FB won't do you more harm now. You are as hurt as you can be and from here on, it will get better. For the last 11 days this break up has been so hard on me since none of my friends can understand my constant obsession and stalking. . That's what they say because they are not in your shoes. Most of us do that. We all know it's not good for us but do it anyway. Now you've looked and seen, you can stop now. He's seeing someone or trying to. Remove him from whatsapp so you can't see his present anymore. he was really an amazing boyfriend, I was the hard one in the relationship. Yes work on that in the future and don't let this incident make it worst. If he's so amazing, he would have helped you deal with it. You seem to recognize your problem so next time, share it with your boyfriend if you find that you are being difficult/unreasonable. Then you willl see if the guy truly loves you and meant to be with you. I think I just can't handle the fact that he wants to move on so fast and is actually able to do that. Another reason he's not so amazing. I wish I could go to bed, wake up 1 month later without all these feelings. It will come. Take care of yourself. I'm sure there's a sea of men just waiting to connect with you. Everything is in front of you and for you to have. This guy is not what you want or an option anymore. He's not the guy you once loved. All the good feelings will come back again and with the right guy to share it with . 2
makemineamac Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry you're going through this, really I am, but you'll be ok. I was in the same obsessive state just a couple of weeks ago and now I'm ok. I am! Feels so good to say that. And I initiated the breakup! When I talk about whipping ourselves into a frenzy that really is what we do. I found help by reading here and learning more about why I spent time in such a bad relationship. It's a great time to learn. And I now recognize that I did the right thing. Seeing my psychologist 2 weeks after the breakup was even more helpful, so you will do a little better after seeing your therapist. I made a list of reasons I would want nothing to do with my ex and it is loooooong. You might only be able to list a couple of things, but I found it therapeutic. I posted it in my original thread. The astonishment of them moving on so quickly without mourning the relationship is what hurts the most I think. Again, a reason why these people aren't as necessarily great as we think they are. It seems like it will never stop, but I promise you it will, and I know how you're feeling right now, it feels desperate, it really does, but things will settle down, they will. Think about yourself, and what you want in life going forward, and what you're going to do to make great decisions in the future. You're doing great for now. We're here. Edited November 11, 2015 by makemineamac
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 @Dylon Thank you so much for putting time and replying my thread too. I know, if we ever listened to his side of story I'd probably look as the bad guy because the more he wanted to work things, the more I pushed him because deep down I knew he was going to disappoint me like the rest of the men did to me too in the past. I'm thinking I may have Borderline because %90 of the symptoms were exactly me. I think the reason why I'm mad and sad is, I never wanted to have this relationship in the first place. My life was a total mess so I knew having a relationship was not a good idea and I would end up hurting him. But he insisted. He said even in all those relationships he had, he had never felt any feelings like this to anyone and I was the love of his life. He really did his best until he made sure I was in love with him. Yes work on that in the future and don't let this incident make it worst. If he's so amazing, he would have helped you deal with it. He kind of tried to help me. By trying to find what my problem was and telling me he would never give up on us. I think he got fed up of my rollercoasters, I can't blame him. When I broke up with him, he was the good guy and that guilt was killing me, for treating him bad. But after the break up, the things he has done made everything worse.
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 @makemineamac I’m really glad that I decided to join this site. You guys really don’t know how your replies helped me in just 1 hour. Your progress makes me believe even more that everything will be okay. I hope I can be as strong and determined as you to stop obsessing my ex. Funny thing, I thought the more you got older, the more it was easier to move on. I’m almost 30 and I swear this is one of my hardest break ups ever and it was such a short relationship! The astonishment of them moving on so quickly without mourning the relationship is what hurts the most I think. Again, a reason why these people aren't as necessarily great as we think they are. This..This is what is driving me crazy. How, how, how and why? You're definitely right. They are not so great as we think they are. 1
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Sounds to me you are putting the fault on yourself. That might or might not be true but it doesn't matter now. It's in the past. Look at your bright future and learn from this experience. He ended so you don't need to feel guilty. You said you hurt him. He's fine now as you can see, going about his merry way with others and as you've said, moved on fast. No guilt needed. Take care of yourself. Recognize your flaws and work on that. I was with a girl once in the past and she was like this, insecure and super jealous. She recognize her lack of trust in men too like you. She admitted to me. It's more work dealing with her but she was worth it so I had the patience. When she went off in a wrong way, she would apologize and told me that it's hard for her. Just simply by admitting to that, I cut her a lot of slack and didn't take it personally. The right guy will take care of you. First you need to try to take care of yourself. I think the reason why I'm mad and sad is, I never wanted to have this relationship in the first place. My life was a total mess so I knew having a relationship was not a good idea and I would end up hurting him. But he insisted. He said even in all those relationships he had, he had never felt any feelings like this to anyone and I was the love of his life. He really did his best until he made sure I was in love with him. He kind of tried to help me. By trying to find what my problem was and telling me he would never give up on us. I think he got fed up of my rollercoasters, I can't blame him. When I broke up with him, he was the good guy and that guilt was killing me, for treating him bad. But after the break up, the things he has done made everything worse.
makemineamac Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Yeah, I wish that was the case, maybe as we get older we expect more. I'm not sure, when we've invested we have expectations and it's disappointing when that investment turns out to not be worth it. Funny how things change. My ex and I share a dog, I can now see her, interact with her - which I have to do anyway due to the dog, and I am fine. Taking her today in fact to help her get a mattress as I took ours to my new place. It feels so good to be in control, and to recognize what we had was not right for either of us. I'm still a little sad, but I'll be ok. You will be too. I wish you peace.
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Sounds to me you are putting the fault on yourself. That might or might not be true but it doesn't matter now. It's in the past. Look at your bright future and learn from this experience. He ended so you don't need to feel guilty. You said you hurt him. He's fine now as you can see, going about his merry way with others and as you've said, moved on fast. No guilt needed. Take care of yourself. Recognize your flaws and work on that. I was with a girl once in the past and she was like this, insecure and super jealous. She recognize her lack of trust in men too like you. She admitted to me. It's more work dealing with her but she was worth it so I had the patience. When she went off in a wrong way, she would apologize and told me that it's hard for her. Just simply by admitting to that, I cut her a lot of slack and didn't take it personally. The right guy will take care of you. First you need to try to take care of yourself. You are so right. I have to stop this self torture. Of course I could be more convincing if I wasn't replying this message while staring at his chat page in whatsapp, seeing he's online right now. I really want to heal.. Your example about one of your past relationship just made me realize that I need someone in my life like that. Who will stop triggering my paranoias and understand and find a mutual solution. Thank you so much again. I hope I can write positive things and my success in moving on in the near future.
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Yeah, I wish that was the case, maybe as we get older we expect more. I'm not sure, when we've invested we have expectations and it's disappointing when that investment turns out to not be worth it. Funny how things change. My ex and I share a dog, I can now see her, interact with her - which I have to do anyway due to the dog, and I am fine. Taking her today in fact to help her get a mattress as I took ours to my new place. It feels so good to be in control, and to recognize what we had was not right for either of us. I'm still a little sad, but I'll be ok. You will be too. I wish you peace. You're right. I think when you grow up you want the person you are with to be the last one. It is kind of tiring to explain yourself to every new person so you invest more and more. I still can't believe the way you're dealing that break up. You're so civilized definitely not something I can do not before 6 months. I want to thank you again so much! I wish you peace, happiness and all the best to you.
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Of course I could be more convincing if I wasn't replying this message while staring at his chat page in whatsapp Can you accept that he's talking to a girl and be done with it? Based on what you said, he has moved on. You know already so don't need to look anymore. Lots of fish in the sea to look at . Remove this contact. I know it's hard but do it. Your example about one of your past relationship just made me realize that I need someone in my life like that. Who will stop triggering my paranoias and understand and find a mutual solution. You have to see so yourself too that whether it is the other person that triggers it and need to stop or is you that need to change. Having the right guy for that is important. I hope I can write positive things and my success in moving on in the near future. You will. This is the pit and you will slow get out.
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Can you accept that he's talking to a girl and be done with it? Based on what you said, he has moved on. You know already so don't need to look anymore. Lots of fish in the sea to look at . Remove this contact. I know it's hard but do it. Yeap this was pretty harsh and true but I have to accept that you're right again. Funny, he always assumed I would throw myself on the first guy I would meet. Which was my way of healing in the past. Sucks that I'm suffering and he's not. By midnight I promise to remove his contact. I'm going to do it!
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Funny, he always assumed I would throw myself on the first guy I would meet. You know you shouldn't either. You weren't even ready for him until he convinced you, right? Tread carefully. In the future when you are ready and you feel your "troubled past" is creeping in, if you can't deal with it, let the guy know that it takes time for you to trust someone if you get out of line. Any decent guy would understand that. So by not throwing yourself on the next guy so soon, you proved to him and yourself that you treat yourself better that. You are suffering and he's not? It's not a comparison. He on his own and you are too. He has his pace and you have yours. There's no fast or slow, it's about what you are ready for. Love yourself first and it will make it easier for others to love you.
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 @dylon is there any way for me to hire you as my personal relationship coach? Thank you for your help and advices, now I know what I want and what I don't want in the future. Actually I see myself as lucky. I ended up in this site after my lame attempt of searching "why my ex is always online?" on Google. With all the support I got here, I think in the past 11 days this will be my first night where I won't cry myself to sleep, thinking who he is talking to.
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I won't cry myself to sleep, thinking who he is talking to. Wow! That is so good to hear! Quick starts with some people won't end well so don't think he's better off and you are a wreck. Better, who cares! A pearl takes time. My ex told me that she's like a pearl, I needed to work on her to make it perfect . Think of yourself that way: you are not easy to be had. Take your time, sleep well, you will look better, feel more confidence and send out vibes to those around you!
Author loyajoy Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 Quick starts with some people won't end well so don't think he's better off and you are a wreck. Will I be considered as a bad person if I wished it happened to him? Your ex is really right. I pinned that quote to my brain and I will remind it to myself constantly.
Dylon Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Will I be considered as a bad person if I wished it happened to him? Your ex is really right. I pinned that quote to my brain and I will remind it to myself constantly. It will be our secret here . Remove him from whatsapp before bed and it's a step towards refining the pearl in yourself and sleep with more dignity, more pride! Then tomorrow, it's your new future!
Author loyajoy Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 @dylon I did it! I deleted him from Whatsapp before I went to bed. I even forgot to do it, I woke up in the middle of the night and deleted him without even checking his last seen. I can't lie it will be so hard to fight the urge but I want to be happy, I deserve it. 1
Dylon Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Excellent. it's like wiping the wound with alcohol....well far worst of course, but it's a one time sting. You know that it's a show of strength and you had the final action to show that to him. Now, it's in the past. You opened yourself up for many opportunities with others if you let this go. A locked heart is very obvious so open yourself up and enjoy life for yourself and don't think too much of relationship. It will come!
Author loyajoy Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 @dylon 2nd day and I did it. No stalking on Whatsapp. I went to the therapist today, they had to switch my day which was fantastic. But I was examined by two doctors (psychiatrist & psychologist) they prescribed a medication and unfortunately my therapist said he does see some traces of Borderline but he is hopeful for the future. I'll see him every week and he's very sure I'll give up on stalking for good. 1
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