Portland Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Six months ago, I found out my wife of 15 years was cheating on me with a co worker. Within four weeks she moved out of our home. There was no sign of marital distress between us and caught me way off guard, The first few months were very hard and sad. I filed divorce after her leaving as there was going to be no chance of reconciliation. We are not divorced yet, could be within a couple months. During that time a mutual female friend, who had been through a similar situation a year and half prior began talking to me about the process (divorce, grieving etc.). The last couple months our friendship has evolved and there is mutual interest between the two of us.We have not acted on anything physical. I know I am not ready to jump into a full on relationship right now and either is she. I have completely moved on from my feelings of my soon to be ex.She feels that is a red flag because I was able to do that so quickly. Numerous times she has stated that she is afraid to fall for me and that she would be my rebound. We both have hectic schedules between work and children and she also feels that she wouldn't be a good girlfriend. However when we are together we have a lot of fun. I think about her all the time and like the direction this was going except the fact that every time she says she misses me, the next breath is either she's afraid to fall for me or that I do not need to be in a relationship because I need to heal from my divorce. I do not feel she would be a rebound for me. We are in our late 30's; before my marriage I dated a lot and had my fair share of fun with women. Screwing around at this point in my life is not something I'm interested in doing. The other red flag she sees about me is that my soon to be ex and I , rushed into our relationship many years ago (living together within 4 months; married in 3 years). How do I convince her she isn't the rebound. Im fully prepared to go slow with her and see what happens, however I just can't get her fears about me out of her mind. I realize all this is new to me, andI am afraid to drive her away. Any advice would be appreciated
Popsicle Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I personally think you both are doing great. It sounds perfect to me. Don't listen to the folks who yap about it being too fast or something. This is how it's supposed to be. As for what to do, just let her vent and calmly and kindly tell her that this is not a rebound for you. DONT pressure her to move faster than she is though but keep doing what you're doing with her (she likes it) don't change. She has to feel fully secure first to completely let go, which will happen as time passes and she sees that you're still there and so is she. Be patient and Let time work its magic. 1
Httm Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Takes time to heal. 15 years is serious. How can you just switch it off so quick?
xcupid Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Give it time and go slowly. She's afraid of being hurt so all you can do is show her that that won't happen. Things will resolve one way or the other with time.
Glitters Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I met my second husband while going through the divorce. There was a year before it was final. My marriage was dead long ago.I told him. We took it slow and it went well. The fears are same as any other new relationship. Take it slow.
sandylee1 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Why not just spend time together as friends. Build a good solid friendship, discover mutual interests and maybe have dinner and stuff. Get to know her likes and dislikes etc Nothing too heavy......don't try and get physical ....just treat her like a really good friend and take it slowly. If it's meant to be..it will be. Sorry your wife cheatedon you...be prepared for her to come sniffing around when she sees you've moved on.
Author Portland Posted November 12, 2015 Author Posted November 12, 2015 Takes time to heal. 15 years is serious. How can you just switch it off so quick? Yes it is a long time. Don't get me wrong the first couple of months were bad. A lot of crying, self analyzing, etc. Some real dark days. However, I found out way too much information on how, what and when this all started. She said some cruel things to me, and lied to every single person that was important to her in her life. The person she is involved with is a low life and I believe she now realizes she left a pretty good life for this but knows its too late so is running with it leaving a path of destruction in her wake. Although the details of what I found out are somewhat traumatizing I have began to focus on the positives in my life and there are a lot. When I see her I no longer have that love for that person. The person that I was married to for so long doesn't really exist.
stillafool Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 Takes time to heal. 15 years is serious. How can you just switch it off so quick? I imagine when your spouse is a cheater it makes it somewhat easier to get over them. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
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