MrWTF Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Long story short, my girlfriend and I have been dating on and off for the past 14 months. We both have two young children - we both have been divorced. (Mine are ages 8 and 6). I've wanted to "ease" into the prospect of moving in together, based on our "on and off" past, and just because I'm just a bit protective (perhaps overprotective) of my kids and how they'll handle a change like that. I'm sure they'd be fine, but I'm being careful, I guess.. My girlfriend has been aware of that, but is really putting on the pressure lol. Which is fine, we are talking about logistics and timeline (we are thinking by late spring/early summer next year), but in the meantime she has expressed her desire to be over my house every night with her kids. I'm not exactly okay with that. She does come over some times but every night is a bit much for me. She has protested by crying and bringing up the topic on a daily basis for the past week, and now she says she'll refuse to relent until I agree. She says she just can't sleep by herself anymore, and she says she'll feel better about the progress of our relationship if we do this. I feel like she's essentially offering up an ultimatum, and forcing this on me. She says I should want to spend nights with her, and that if I don't, it's because I don't love her, and because I don't want her around. That I'm not serious about having her move in, and having her go back and forth is making things difficult. I'm beyond stressed about this. She has a very good heart, and has gone above and beyond in many things. I want her to respect how I feel, though. I am very open to a future with her and her kids, and we are discussing this, but we are not living together just yet, so I want some space to myself, and for me and my kids, until then. Is that too much to ask for? Basically I just don't want her and her kids over my house every single evening just yet. I'm feeling like I'm losing something here. Just confused..., and this is becoming a serious problem. And I'm starting to see this as a potential red flag. Am I being unreasonable? Thoughts? Thanks. Edited November 10, 2015 by MrWTF
kismetkismet Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 you are right to be protective of your children and they should be coming first in this and all situations. She is being manipulative and not respecting your boundaries and your care for your children. These kinds of changes ARE very hard on children and you are the one that knows their needs, sudden change can be difficult and damaging and the fact that she doesn't understand and respect that is not a good sign.. particularly as she has kids herself. Stand your ground and do what is best for your kids, if she can't respect and understand that then she is not someone you want co-parenting your kids! do you want someone who would put their own emotional insecurity in front of the well being and emotional security of the people they are meant to be caring for and protecting? Explain to her again your reasoning.. that you are doing it to help your children to feel they have a safe and stable home environment. If she can't accept that, i would re evaluate whether you want to be with her at all... 2
Mystique01 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I think you have every right to feel the way that you feel, especially since you have kids, and you and the gf have had an off-again/on-again relationship for 14 months. I think you have EVERY right to be cautious. Maybe you two can have a heart-to-heart talk about it and you can explain to her that you just don't want to put something like this on the kids too soon? IMO she's behaving kind of immaturely. I can see wanting to come over with the kids once every two weeks or even once a week....but EVERY SINGLE FREAKIN' NIGHT?? Doesn't she have a life lol? I mean, no offense, but I don't know how I could get my kids ready to go over someone else's house EVERY NIGHT of the week like that. I agree with the poster above me, her actions DO seem a bit manipulative. No doubt she probably has good intentions and is just trying to get the kids to know each other and be like a "family", but at the same time she has to remember that you can't PUSH/force someone to do something they aren't ready to do. It has to be gradual. Reaffirm your love for her, but tell her that this "ultimatum-sounding" behavior she's been doing lately is really making you reconsider living together. It's too much, too soon.
schiller Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 She has protested by crying and bringing up the topic on a daily basis for the past week, and now she says she'll refuse to relent until I agree. She says she just can't sleep by herself anymore She's very insecure, pushy, and has boundary issues. If you move in together it might solve some of her insecurity issues but then others will start popping up all over the place. She's a mess and moving in with her and dragging your kids through it is going to be a big mistake that you will likely regret some day. 2
preraph Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 What she wants, I'm setting that aside for now. If you are not ready to be around the kids and her every day, then she needs to know you are not ready for cohabitation. If you feel you will never be ready for 24/7 her and her kids, you probably need to cut her loose. And i don't blame you. It's a huge commitment with repercussions all around when it doesn't end well. And always remember, if someone is in a hurry to sell you something, don't buy it.
Httm Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Describe off and on again. That is usually a very bad sign for a relationship.
Timshel Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Agree all around with posts so far. There is nothing wrong with having time and space with your kids and she have time with hers. It does seem with the crying bit that she is pushing an agenda. This may be a time to take a step back to evaluate where you both are in the relationship and after some consideration, have a talk to get on the same page. If cooling a bit freaks her out, you may have to consider breaking off with her. The children should be a priority for both of you and what's the hurry?
stillafool Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Do you and your kids stay over at her house sometimes? She sounds extremely needy and pushy. Watch out.
mystikmind2005 Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 You should give her a link to this site, let her come here and ask what is reasonable? There are things which i thought were reasonable, then after getting feedback on this site, i changed my thinking.... I'm sure this will work for her?
xcupid Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Long story short, my girlfriend and I have been dating on and off for the past 14 months. We both have two young children - we both have been divorced. (Mine are ages 8 and 6). I've wanted to "ease" into the prospect of moving in together, based on our "on and off" past, and just because I'm just a bit protective (perhaps overprotective) of my kids and how they'll handle a change like that. I'm sure they'd be fine, but I'm being careful, I guess.. My girlfriend has been aware of that, but is really putting on the pressure lol. Which is fine, we are talking about logistics and timeline (we are thinking by late spring/early summer next year), but in the meantime she has expressed her desire to be over my house every night with her kids. I'm not exactly okay with that. She does come over some times but every night is a bit much for me. She has protested by crying and bringing up the topic on a daily basis for the past week, and now she says she'll refuse to relent until I agree. She says she just can't sleep by herself anymore, and she says she'll feel better about the progress of our relationship if we do this. I feel like she's essentially offering up an ultimatum, and forcing this on me. She says I should want to spend nights with her, and that if I don't, it's because I don't love her, and because I don't want her around. That I'm not serious about having her move in, and having her go back and forth is making things difficult. I'm beyond stressed about this. She has a very good heart, and has gone above and beyond in many things. I want her to respect how I feel, though. I am very open to a future with her and her kids, and we are discussing this, but we are not living together just yet, so I want some space to myself, and for me and my kids, until then. Is that too much to ask for? Basically I just don't want her and her kids over my house every single evening just yet. I'm feeling like I'm losing something here. Just confused..., and this is becoming a serious problem. And I'm starting to see this as a potential red flag. Am I being unreasonable? Thoughts? Thanks. If you're stressing over this situation now what's it going to be like if you DO move in together? 1
veggirl Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 tbh she's not being a good mom bringing her kids to sleep over at her on & off again bf's house all the time. That's not healthy. I think you should consider breaking up with her, it's her way or the highway and you haven't even been together without breaking up for a full year. You're not compatible.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Ugh. Needy and desperate is such an unattractive trait in anyone. Dragging her kids to her boyfriend's house to sleep every night doesn't exactly put her in the running for Mother of the Year. It's irresponsible and tacky as hell. No truly good mother puts her own selfish needs above those of her kids. This situation has more flags flapping all over the place than the starting line of the Indy 500.
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