2nd time being ghosted

[cookiemonster26]

This is the second time I've had a bunch of great dates with a guy only to be ghosted. Is it worth asking this second one what happened and hopefully he will reply ? Also what's wrong with me that this keeps happening. I've read tons of dating books, I really don't think I'm doing anything to scare of these men. But they were all from online dating

[Mystique01]

Hmmmm.....My guess is that with OLD people just have SO many options that it is easy for people to "go ghost" on you. I honestly think it may just be an OLD thing...which is precisely one of the reasons why I'm not a huge fan of OLD.

 

If you think it might be something you're personally doing I would say to just take a step back and take an honest assessment of yourself. Ask yourself how you come across during dates.

 

-Am I comfortable with myself, or am I nervous/anxious/jittery during dates?

-Do I present myself well? (ie. clean/fashionable clothes, accentuate my positive physical assets, well-groomed hair, smell nice, etc)

-Am I friendly and engaging?

-What do I talk about? Do I talk too much?

-Do I listen to what the guy is saying?

-Do I shut down a guy's opinions/beliefs/comments?

-Do I bring up exes or talk about previous BAD experiences with men?

-Am I fun, flirty, and give men green lights that I'm interested?

-Do I give men TOO many "Green Lights"?? (ie. "easy")

-Do I come on too strongly?

-Am I so aloof/reserved that I leave the guy wondering whether or not I'm really interested in him?

 

 

All of these are just random self-reflective questions you can ask yourself, and you don't have to answer here. But they are just things to think about.

 

If you honestly think that there's nothing you're doing wrong, then maybe it could just be the "venue" where you're finding these guys (OLD), or it could just be that those particular guys were just flaky or found someone else.

 

Some people decide to get back with ex-gf's. Some men realize after a few dates that you just aren't compatible with them, and it may have NOTHING to do with you personally whatsoever. Some men realize they're not ready for a real serious relationship. Some men go off to pursue someone else they have more interest in.

 

It really could be a many number of things. I wouldn't automatically assume it's you (unless you've been seeing the same pattern for years) , but just take an honest look at yourself, and ask yourself: "If I were a guy, would I want to date me?" Lol....

 

I'm thinking maybe those guys just for whatever reason found someone else, or decided that you two weren't compatible.

[kismetkismet]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. I think that's just how most people deal with ending a casual dating situation. If you've only been on a few dates and you're unlikely to run into that person again, it's simply *easier* for people to just stop returning your messages (not saying it's right, just that you shouldn't necessarily take it personally).

 

As for them losing interest, that's also not necessarily something personal if you didn't sense any incompatibilities, they could just have felt there wasn't enough of a connection or spark for it to continue. Some people make dating too much about ego, where if one person loses interest or rejects the other, that person must be better and the person that was rejected must have something wrong with them. It's better to just realize that everyone is different and has different interests and needs and you have to find someone who is the right FIT for you.

[cookiemonster26]

Hmmmm.....My guess is that with OLD people just have SO many options that it is easy for people to "go ghost" on you. I honestly think it may just be an OLD thing...which is precisely one of the reasons why I'm not a huge fan of OLD.

 

If you think it might be something you're personally doing I would say to just take a step back and take an honest assessment of yourself. Ask yourself how you come across during dates.

 

-Am I comfortable with myself, or am I nervous/anxious/jittery during dates?

-Do I present myself well? (ie. clean/fashionable clothes, accentuate my positive physical assets, well-groomed hair, smell nice, etc)

-Am I friendly and engaging?

-What do I talk about? Do I talk too much?

-Do I listen to what the guy is saying?

-Do I shut down a guy's opinions/beliefs/comments?

-Do I bring up exes or talk about previous BAD experiences with men?

-Am I fun, flirty, and give men green lights that I'm interested?

-Do I give men TOO many "Green Lights"?? (ie. "easy")

-Do I come on too strongly?

-Am I so aloof/reserved that I leave the guy wondering whether or not I'm really interested in him?

 

 

All of these are just random self-reflective questions you can ask yourself, and you don't have to answer here. But they are just things to think about.

 

If you honestly think that there's nothing you're doing wrong, then maybe it could just be the "venue" where you're finding these guys (OLD), or it could just be that those particular guys were just flaky or found someone else.

 

Some people decide to get back with ex-gf's. Some men realize after a few dates that you just aren't compatible with them, and it may have NOTHING to do with you personally whatsoever. Some men realize they're not ready for a real serious relationship. Some men go off to pursue someone else they have more interest in.

 

It really could be a many number of things. I wouldn't automatically assume it's you (unless you've been seeing the same pattern for years) , but just take an honest look at yourself, and ask yourself: "If I were a guy, would I want to date me?" Lol....

 

I'm thinking maybe those guys just for whatever reason found someone else, or decided that you two weren't compatible.

 

I don't see anything wrong with me, but I've noticed that it only happens with OLD whereas I've never been ghosted by someone I met in person

[Gaeta]

That's dating in the 21st century. Nothing is wrong with you.

 

I was ghosted on after 3 dates - 2 months- even 6 months.

 

People are weak and have lost notion of what integrity is.

 

I have been online + 3 years and l have never ghosted on someone but unfortunately it's being done too often these days

[Gaeta]

I don't see anything wrong with me, but I've noticed that it only happens with OLD whereas I've never been ghosted by someone I met in person

 

I have been ghosted or played by people l met face to face. Same thing, same people.

[losangelena]

This is the second time I've had a bunch of great dates with a guy only to be ghosted. Is it worth asking this second one what happened and hopefully he will reply ? Also what's wrong with me that this keeps happening. I've read tons of dating books, I really don't think I'm doing anything to scare of these men. But they were all from online dating

 

This sounds like a fool's errand.

 

Don't bother asking. It's not like a guy who's breaking up with you. The chances that A) the guy will even have a discernible reason, B) will ever honestly tell you, or C) that it has anything do with with you, are slim to none.

 

Most dating is ghosting/rejection, and 90% of it has very little to do with the other person, it's mainly just that the ghoster is not feeling it enough. That doesn't mean you're doing something wrong or that there's something intrinsically wrong with you, it just means that you need to keep looking.

 

Two is nothing. When I started dating a couple of years ago, the majority of the guys I met (30 total) ghosted. A few circled back to give me a head's up, but the vast majority did not. Maybe I'm strange, but I got used to it. I mean, what exactly am I going to learn by some guy coming back and telling me, "I felt 'eh' about you?" Not much; not any more than him ghosting will tell me.

[Iceshowers]

I had the unfortunate luck to experience being ghosted on for the first time ever last week and I didn't know how to handle it at all since it has never happened to me before! It probably has to be the most irritating thing ever lol. I wasn't mad that he went with some other chick, what bothered me is that he strings me along for months to disappear as if I wasn't worth a "I don't want to date you anymore" talk.

 

Off topic, I keep seeing people mention OLD, I finally have to ask, what is that?

[losangelena]

I had the unfortunate luck to experience being ghosted on for the first time ever last week and I didn't know how to handle it at all since it has never happened to me before! It probably has to be the most irritating thing ever lol. I wasn't mad that he went with some other chick, what bothered me is that he strings me along for months to disappear as if I wasn't worth a "I don't want to date you anymore" talk.

 

Off topic, I keep seeing people mention OLD, I finally have to ask, what is that?

 

Online dating, girl.

[Iceshowers]

Online dating, girl.

 

Bahahha Oh lol. I honestly thought it was an abbreviation for like a website or something.

 

Thanks.

[losangelena]

This thread reminds of this story I heard a while back. Worth a listen! Love Hurts ? Strangers ? KCRW

[glynnroy]

This is the second time I've had a bunch of great dates with a guy only to be ghosted. Is it worth asking this second one what happened and hopefully he will reply ? Also what's wrong with me that this keeps happening. I've read tons of dating books, I really don't think I'm doing anything to scare of these men. But they were all from online dating

 

Allot of people end dates , relationship s this way ! They haven't got the balls to tell you the truth ..

I wouldn't say your doing anything wrong , unless you have a bad attitude and bad morals

There's a tin lid for every tin pot , keep going and learning from your experience. Some one will love you for who you are

[Myragal]

Pick an answer...any one but no need to be pollyanish. If a man is into you, he will be there like a salivating puppy.

 

'Something' hasn't clicked. Two in a row probably precludes him not being available and something not being legitimate.

 

Unlike others, I believe it is good to reflect long and hard. Is there something being said? A way you dress? A coldness? Not from your perception but from their perception?

[Mystique01]

I don't see anything wrong with me, but I've noticed that it only happens with OLD whereas I've never been ghosted by someone I met in person

 

Well, there you go! lol...

 

Like I said, it could possibly be your "venue". OLD tends to be that way at times. You have a slew more options, but the options tend to be more flaky...idk if that makes sense.

 

Maybe try focusing more on guys who ask you out in person perhaps?? Plus, being ghosted only twice in your lifetime is NOT that big a deal imo. I could see if it was happening for years on end..... But twice in your dating history? That's actually a GOOD number lol. I don't consider twice being something you call "this keeps on happening".. Try maybe YEARS and then I would start to wonder if maybe it's something you're doing.

 

Do you know how many people go on dates and then never hear from the person ever again? Not every date is going to result in a LTR. It sucks, but it's just the truth.

[mystikmind2005]

I would not trust the opinion of a ghoster anyway.

 

Frequently when dating and things are going well, you come to realize this person is not the one. You should tell them straight up, it is hard but people usually appreciate the honesty.

 

Also sometimes when dating, you date someone you really like but then suddenly meet someone you like even more! You need to tell the first person this is what happened.

[Rydo]

They will have had a better offer from someone else. That is better for them not from someone objectively better. I did it loads when I was on pof.

[thecrucible]

I'm going to admit to my poor behaviour here :/. I ghosted a guy in the past because I told him I didn't know if were going to be a match but I'd enjoyed spending time with him, but he suggested we keep hanging out sometimes. I meant to get back in touch with him but it never really happened. Then it was like too much had passed. I feel sorry for Gaeta about the 6 months ghosting thing - can't believe someone would ghost after that long spent together.

 

If we haven't met at all, it's something like life has happened or I meet someone and want to concentrate on that rather than continuing to message more than one person. I ghost because it would be a bit douchey to get back to them telling them the truth and would be insulting to them.

[SoThatHappened]

Got ghosted after 2 great dates and a week's worth of texting/talking.

 

Well, somewhat ghosted as she has still sent random texts like she was just at a football game.

 

Nothing wrong with you. The other person's ex may have come back, they may have not "felt" it for you, they may be multiple-dating.

 

Keep doing you. You don't want someone falling for "not you." Yeah, that felt wrong to type but you know what I mean.

 

It's good you're introspective, but too much of that actually hurts you.

 

Keep trying, and yes, OLD is a whole other world where rules don't really matter. Finding this out myself.

[TheBathWater]

This is the second time I've had a bunch of great dates with a guy only to be ghosted. Is it worth asking this second one what happened and hopefully he will reply ? Also what's wrong with me that this keeps happening. I've read tons of dating books, I really don't think I'm doing anything to scare of these men. But they were all from online dating

 

Ah, love in 2015.

 

You could try and follow up, but I'm not sure you'll get an honest response. If people are too cowardly to be straight with you as is, I wouldn't hold your breath that this will change. I'm not saying don't be upset, but that this is really a normal part of the dating game.

 

In my own dating experience, ghosting seems to be more and more common than ever. Unfortunately, when something becomes 'common', we say permit it. I still don't condone it at all. If I'm not feeling it with someone, I'm honest. I've never had a bad experience from this. "I enjoyed meeting you/seeing you these last couple of weeks, but I don't feel this is going to be a match and I'm going to keep looking; I wish you the best." That's it. If they ask me why, I'm honest. "I'm looking for someone who I feel more chemistry with" or "I need someone who is more laid back", or whatever it is. Again, no one gets angry at me. They get it. I wish more people would give this to me in return when I need it.

 

I hope you get your answers, but if you don't, don't be surprised.

[Truth34]

Ghosting is just a specific form of a person who lacks integrity and accountability. People are so wrapped up in "awkward" and uneasy feelings that instead of owning the situation and doing the right thing, they'd rather turn around and run. It's a common thing in every facet of these peoples' lives.

[Rydo]

Ghosting is just a specific form of a person who lacks integrity and accountability. People are so wrapped up in "awkward" and uneasy feelings that instead of owning the situation and doing the right thing, they'd rather turn around and run. It's a common thing in every facet of these peoples' lives.

 

Bit of a generalisation.

Sometimes you just aren't a big enough deal in a person's life for them to feel the need to explain why they aren't bothered about talking anymore. It's not a big deal unless you are actually properly seeing someone.

[TheBathWater]

Bit of a generalisation.

Sometimes you just aren't a big enough deal in a person's life for them to feel the need to explain why they aren't bothered about talking anymore. It's not a big deal unless you are actually properly seeing someone.

 

Yeah, that might sound like a generalization, but keep in mind that plenty of people get ghosted who have been seeing someone for months. Plenty of people also get an explanation after only 1 date. If being open and honest weren't a big deal to people, no one would get ghosted. Contemporary life makes it too easy to avoid being open and honest, and even supports that "you don't have to."

 

We're a social world. Regardless of whether someone is meaningful to another person, I think we need to be more conscious of our social nature, be accountable, and not simply disappear on someone like a fart in the wind.

Edited November 11, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[Lois_Griffin]

But they were all from online dating

That was my first question and I see you provided the answer in your first post.

 

An awful lot of online daters have a candy store mentality. It's just one big candy store to them and they can't decide on what piece of candy to choose when there are so many options. They're so damned afraid that the Bigger, Better Deal is right around the corner and they don't want to actually take the time to INVEST in anyone should - God forbid - that Bigger, Better Deal pass them by while they're not looking. The horror!!

 

More than likely, something else got his attention, is all. And he'll do the same thing to her when someone else gets his attention.

 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

[scooby-philly]

Ghosting is just a specific form of a person who lacks integrity and accountability. People are so wrapped up in "awkward" and uneasy feelings that instead of owning the situation and doing the right thing, they'd rather turn around and run. It's a common thing in every facet of these peoples' lives.

 

Okay - I agree with most people's responses on her. Ghosting is a phenomenon on the rise given the world we live it. It is easier to do with someone you meet online and don't share any real bonds with - work, neighborhood, family or friends, etc. And it sucks to be ghosted. But let's also face the truth - there's two types of ghosting.

 

In the case described by the OP, this is bad ghosting. If you go out x number of times and just drop it then yes - you lack integrity. Male or female, if you hit 2,3,4+ dates and after each one you say things like "I'll call you", "let's get together again", etc. - then you owe the other person a quick message - phone or in person is the best, but at least an email or text saying thanks and that you don't feel it for whatever reason. It leaves the other person in a better state of mind.

 

Now the opposite it not "good" ghosting - but what I'll call - "you really don't deserve any more of time and energy" ghosting. As in my case, I've never ghosted anyone - been ghosted two or three times, but recently met someone online - on paper she was fine but in person she was overly soft-spoken (volume wise), not at all engaging, was slow to respond to text and wasn't even 40 yet (39, I'm 34) and dressed like a 60 year old. I say that because we went out twice and after the second date a few days went by, I tried to call her and she said can she call me back later that night. I said sure. She texted two hours later and said (it was a Tuesday) that she was busy and that she would be busy this weekend and maybe we could "catch up" or something like that next week. It took till thursday of that week for her to respond and when she texted she asked if I saw the latest presidential debate (I said no, was busy) and said....so do you want to meet up again sometime.....she responded with her input on the debate and that was it.....so I ghosted her. Sorry - I don't have time to dis-interested people.

[Truth34]

"Contemporary life makes it too easy to avoid being open and honest, and even supports that "you don't have to." "

 

Nail on the head. Around me, whether it be social media or just regular media, I notice a lot of "personal well being" directions and selfish solutions to many things in our lives. The "do you" attitude, the "you don't owe them anything" type sentiments that seem to overwhelm all the corners not already accounted for by sunset pictures with quotes, cat meme's, and 15-second comedy clips.

 

Couple this demeanor with technology and peoples' inability to deal with situations with proper communication. I don't see this type of behavior ever getting better. We all look lovey dovey and caring on social media, but in real life can't be bothered to call someone and explain that things aren't right.

 

On the flip side, being a good person isn't always the easiest.