Jump to content

Hooked up with a good friend and now I feel like **** and don't know

confusedidiot

By confusedidiot
in Friendship

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

confusedidiot New Member

confusedidiot

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm a grad student who met this other grad student, say Lisa, last year and we have been really good friends. She works in my research lab and we're in pretty much the same classes. We got along really great and would always hang out together, go to the gym or to the bars. I really liked her and wanted to ask her out but then I found out that she had a long distance boyfriend. It sucked to learn this but I really valued our friendship and that was much more important to me. She was really awesome and smart and easy to get along with so I didn't want to do anything to put our friendship at risk.

 

I left for the summer and when I came back this semester I thought I got over her. I didn't feel like I had a crush on her anymore and I enjoyed this, being friends with her without having a crush. However this semester there were a couple of times when we went to a party together, she got really drunk and tried to make some advances on me. One time she even insisted that I sleep with her. However I was sober enough to know that this was not a good idea and I rejected her. I just brought her home, told her good night and left. I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to hurt her by risking her relationship. She also usually apologized in the morning and I told her to stay safe. Everytime we went out, I looked out for her and tried to bring her home safe.

 

Fast forward to last Thursday. I passed my qualifying exams and I went out with my lab and lisa to celebrate. We all got really drunk and when it was time to leave, I said I would walk Lisa home. I brought her home and asked if I could sleep on the couch for an hour or two to sober up before heading out. I had slept at her place a couple of times before and she said it was alright. Well at some point she jumped on me and started making out. One thing led to another and we both were having sex. I was really drunk so I only remember bits and pieces. I remember waking up naked in her bed though.

 

When I woke up, I felt really bad because I realized what happened. I tried to keep her safe every time we went out but I failed. I tried to apologize to her and so did she to me. She told me to not talk about it at all and I said OK but I was still feeling like a complete ****bag though.

 

Then on friday, I noticed that she didn't come into class or our lab. I went to go see her and she said she was just tired and didn't feel like going to class or the lab. I stayed at her place for a bit and tried apologizing more for being a piece of **** and drinking way to much. She said it was OK and not to speak about it. Well I tried hard but I was still feeling terrible. I really valued the friendship and really respected her but after this action I was extremely pissed at myself for jeopardizing it. I also felt really bad about her boyfriend for being an ass.

 

Well fast forward to today. I went over her place to check up on her again and she said she was OK but tired. I apologized again and she said not to worry about it. We were still talking on facebook and I tried to be normal and I was trying my best to finish up a project due Monday while thinking about how much of a **** I am. However at one point she messaged me of pictures of bruises/cuts on her arm and then immediately said to not look at them. She said they were from the past and she meant to send them to a friend who she was talking about.

 

This got me extremely worried so I dropped everything I was doing and rushed over to her place. I messaged her that I was comming and she said no, it's fine I shouldn't come. Well I came to her place and saw her, she was wearing a long sleeve shirt, and she was saying it was OK. I kept trying to ask her if she wanted to talk, I suck at trying to talk about this stuff, and if she was OK and she said yes, its fine, don't worry about it. I also asked if I could see her wrists and she said no, its fine, no. I was extremely worried and I wanted to talk to her.

 

I apologized but she told me to leave and give her some time alone. I care for her so I stopped after a couple times trying to pester her and told her to be safe before leaving. I drove home really worried. After coming home I sent her another message saying I am open to talk if she wants to but she hasn't replied.

 

Well now I still feel really ****ty and can't concentrate on anything besides me being a complete ****. But beside the point, I am really worried about her and hope that she is OK. I don't care so much that I feel like **** if she feels OK. I don't know what to do next. I care for her and hope she is OK but I don't know how else I could help. I would have felt so much better if I failed the quals and went home instead of going out and drinking too much.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6
DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

Posted
Posted (edited)

What do you feel you should do?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted long quote ~6
HansonGirl Established Member

HansonGirl

Posted
Posted (edited)
I'm a grad student who met this other grad student, say Lisa, last year and we have been really good friends. She works in my research lab and we're in pretty much the same classes. We got along really great and would always hang out together, go to the gym or to the bars. I really liked her and wanted to ask her out but then I found out that she had a long distance boyfriend. It sucked to learn this but I really valued our friendship and that was much more important to me. She was really awesome and smart and easy to get along with so I didn't want to do anything to put our friendship at risk.

 

I left for the summer and when I came back this semester I thought I got over her. I didn't feel like I had a crush on her anymore and I enjoyed this, being friends with her without having a crush. However this semester there were a couple of times when we went to a party together, she got really drunk and tried to make some advances on me. One time she even insisted that I sleep with her. However I was sober enough to know that this was not a good idea and I rejected her. I just brought her home, told her good night and left. I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to hurt her by risking her relationship. She also usually apologized in the morning and I told her to stay safe. Everytime we went out, I looked out for her and tried to bring her home safe.

 

Fast forward to last Thursday. I passed my qualifying exams and I went out with my lab and lisa to celebrate. We all got really drunk and when it was time to leave, I said I would walk Lisa home. I brought her home and asked if I could sleep on the couch for an hour or two to sober up before heading out. I had slept at her place a couple of times before and she said it was alright. Well at some point she jumped on me and started making out. One thing led to another and we both were having sex. I was really drunk so I only remember bits and pieces. I remember waking up naked in her bed though.

 

When I woke up, I felt really bad because I realized what happened. I tried to keep her safe every time we went out but I failed. I tried to apologize to her and so did she to me. She told me to not talk about it at all and I said OK but I was still feeling like a complete ****bag though.

 

Then on friday, I noticed that she didn't come into class or our lab. I went to go see her and she said she was just tired and didn't feel like going to class or the lab. I stayed at her place for a bit and tried apologizing more for being a piece of **** and drinking way to much. She said it was OK and not to speak about it. Well I tried hard but I was still feeling terrible. I really valued the friendship and really respected her but after this action I was extremely pissed at myself for jeopardizing it. I also felt really bad about her boyfriend for being an ass.

 

Well fast forward to today. I went over her place to check up on her again and she said she was OK but tired. I apologized again and she said not to worry about it. We were still talking on facebook and I tried to be normal and I was trying my best to finish up a project due Monday while thinking about how much of a **** I am. However at one point she messaged me of pictures of bruises/cuts on her arm and then immediately said to not look at them. She said they were from the past and she meant to send them to a friend who she was talking about.

 

This got me extremely worried so I dropped everything I was doing and rushed over to her place. I messaged her that I was comming and she said no, it's fine I shouldn't come. Well I came to her place and saw her, she was wearing a long sleeve shirt, and she was saying it was OK. I kept trying to ask her if she wanted to talk, I suck at trying to talk about this stuff, and if she was OK and she said yes, its fine, don't worry about it. I also asked if I could see her wrists and she said no, its fine, no. I was extremely worried and I wanted to talk to her.

 

I apologized but she told me to leave and give her some time alone. I care for her so I stopped after a couple times trying to pester her and told her to be safe before leaving. I drove home really worried. After coming home I sent her another message saying I am open to talk if she wants to but she hasn't replied.

 

Well now I still feel really ****ty and can't concentrate on anything besides me being a complete ****. But beside the point, I am really worried about her and hope that she is OK. I don't care so much that I feel like **** if she feels OK. I don't know what to do next. I care for her and hope she is OK but I don't know how else I could help. I would have felt so much better if I failed the quals and went home instead of going out and drinking too much.

 

 

I think you are being too hard on yourself . She played a role in this and in fact I'd say she instigated it. You are single and ready to mingle and she's the one with a boyfriend . And yet she has been the one trying to seduce you . Why are you shouldering all the blame and also do you still like someone who has no regard for her boyfriend?

 

And please explain the cuts and bruises .What is that supposed to imply . Honestly I don't buy the story that she accidentally sent that to you .I think it was intentional .and honestly based on your description she doesn't sound like someone of a very high character .My inatinct is that she knows you like her and now she has you at her beck and call .

Edited by HansonGirl
kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

Posted
Posted

"And please explain the cuts and bruises .What is that supposed to imply . Honestly I don't buy the story that she accidentally sent that to you .I think it was intentional .and honestly based on your description she doesn't sound like someone of a very high character .My inatinct is that she knows you like her and now she has you at her beck and call . "

 

The cuts and bruises caught my eye too but I wasn't sure what was being implied....was it that you did this or that maybe her BF had been abusive or what??? Or was the content of the pics not important but that she had sent some pics to you supposedly by accident?

 

She says that she doesn't want to talk about it so I would take it at that and ensure that if you don't want to be a party to the cheating (assuming that they are exclusive) take the necessary steps to avoid that situation going forward.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

|

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

First things first. She's in college and has a long-distance boyfriend. The chances on that ending up being her last boyfriend who she marries are very low. She likes you and is clearly looking to change relationships and have a boyfriend who is around. He is no doubt dating other women wherever he's at.

 

Freud was wrong about some things, but he wasn't wrong about coincidences, and Jung backs him up on that. She showed you those photos as a cry for help or else to let you know she's been putting up with this. She may be looking to be rescued. I don't know. But don't let her put you off about this.

 

 

Talk to her and tell her you want her to be your girlfriend. You clearly care about her. I don't know what's stopping you. Tell her you want exclusivity too and that if she wants to be together, she needs to let her old bf know. Try not to let them alone together in case it's him hitting her.

 

But if she insists on continuing to see him, you need to let her know how foolish she's being and that she's in an abusive relationship and that you are not going to stand by while she lays down on the railroad tracks, and then bail out and move on.

 

If she convinces you this is truly from the distant past, which I doubt, find out who and make her tell you it's not her current boyfriend at all before you commit in any way.

  • Author
confusedidiot New Member

confusedidiot

Posted
  • Author
Posted
First things first. She's in college and has a long-distance boyfriend. The chances on that ending up being her last boyfriend who she marries are very low. She likes you and is clearly looking to change relationships and have a boyfriend who is around. He is no doubt dating other women wherever he's at.

 

Freud was wrong about some things, but he wasn't wrong about coincidences, and Jung backs him up on that. She showed you those photos as a cry for help or else to let you know she's been putting up with this. She may be looking to be rescued. I don't know. But don't let her put you off about this.

 

 

Talk to her and tell her you want her to be your girlfriend. You clearly care about her. I don't know what's stopping you. Tell her you want exclusivity too and that if she wants to be together, she needs to let her old bf know. Try not to let them alone together in case it's him hitting her.

 

But if she insists on continuing to see him, you need to let her know how foolish she's being and that she's in an abusive relationship and that you are not going to stand by while she lays down on the railroad tracks, and then bail out and move on.

 

If she convinces you this is truly from the distant past, which I doubt, find out who and make her tell you it's not her current boyfriend at all before you commit in any way.

 

Well I really liked her last year when I met her and I did want to date her. However that was before I knew she had a boyfriend. After I found out, I respected that and I respected her and I didn't want to do anything. I still liked her a lot but I could not force myself to do anything to hurt her. The primary reason I left for the summer, I could have stayed to continue my research, was to clear my head. I thought I was over it when I came back but I guess I was not.

 

She also revealed to me before that in middle and high school she would cut herself when she was depressed. She said it was a phase that she went through but is better now. However when I saw those photos, I was very concerned. She was a really great friend and I really bonded with her, that's why I felt so concerned. I want to try to help her through it but I feel like **** because she keeps telling me that she's OK and I don't know what to do.

 

I also know the guy she is dating. The guy was a former roommate/friend of my adviser. He is 38 or 39. They apparently met at some leadership academy over the summer in Italy. Lisa is from Italy and she went to that academy two summers ago. I did not know any of this until I got to know and developed a crush on Lisa last semester. The guy does not sound abusive at all and I've talked to her about him before and she never said he was abusive. I knew her for a long time and I know she didn't cut herself before.

 

I also noticed that Lisa seems to be ignoring me a bit, at least she takes much longer to reply on messenger and is usually something very brief. Normally she would message me a lot but hasn't. She also seems to be ignoring me and avoiding eye contact in the lab. However I give her a ride to the lab and home because she doesn't have a car and it seems fine in the car when we talk alone. We talk about things unrelated to the incident. However after that I feel like she's ignoring me. I may be overthinking this because I am distressed but I wish I knew what to do. I've never been in any serious relationships and never dealt with something like this so it hurts a lot. I wish our relationship could go back to how it was before last Thursday.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...