when would you say something?

[lookin ahead]

I am curious to know when is the right time or do you ever say anything about been divorced ever? I have no kids or anything, i was with the ex for 7 years before we decided to get married, we got married and divorced 2 years later, it just simply didn't work out but i feel like is this is something people you date need to know? or not really? When would you say something?

 

I feel as a woman it kind of taints your image when a guy is interested in you and then you drop the d-bomb from your past, makes me feel like been divorced marks me as a failure at the relationship/marriage or something.

 

When would you say anything, or would you even say anything while you date?

[PegNosePete]

I wouldn't bring it up, but wouldn't lie about it either. It is part of your past. I would talk about it at the same stage when you normally talk about past relationships. In such a conversation it might be considered a lie of omission to not mention it. For example if you're asked "what's your longest relationship?" then it would be appropriate.

 

Don't be ashamed - it's just part of your past. Anyone who is put off by it, is obviously not right for you. Many people have much longer non-married relationships so really there's no difference, it's just a piece of paper and another piece of paper that cancels out the first.

 

Or do online dating where it's out there from the start. The whole "oh by the way I was once married" conversation is completely avoided.

[Httm]

I disagree with your perception. Id rather somekne have been divorced after a long germ relationship, than, say, someone that has bern only in short term relationships or none at all. I really don't think it is a big deal at all.

[CarrieT]

I also don't think it is a big deal.

 

I was married at 20 and divorced at 25. That shows youthful indiscretion but also hopefulness.

 

It took me another 24 years - and a handful of longterm relationships - to even consider getting married again.

 

Those that I dated in the interim understood that I had learned from my mistakes and chose not to repeat them.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Easy, just mention it when you have that conversation with all new partners about your romantic past. It doesn't have to be a huge deal, it really doesn't. A simple 'well I was with my ex for nine years, two of them married, before that I had a *whatever* year relationship'. Treat it like it's just a casual fact of life and so will your date unless they have some major spiritual or moral issue against divorce.

 

You have to mention it at some point anyway, I'd be angry if someone lied about it for whatever reason and if you ever remarry, the new spouse will know when the marriage certificate states that you're divorced. It's just not a secret worth hiding and jeopardising something good over.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Let it unfold naturally.

 

Always be honest.

 

Speak from the heart.

 

Listen as much as you speak.

 

And NEVER feel ashamed - we all have a story.

 

 

 

Good luck.

[mammasita]

You're the only person making it a big deal. It comes up when it comes up, IME usually in early conversations "So how long was your longest relationship" "Have you ever been married".

 

Own it, its part of you.

[lookin ahead]

Thanks everyone, i guess i'm just over thinking it. If they like it fine, if they don't that's fine too. Getting back into dating is so scary to me right now.

[Httm]

Thanks everyone, i guess i'm just over thinking it. If they like it fine, if they don't that's fine too. Getting back into dating is so scary to me right now.

 

Then maybe you aren't ready to date yet.

[Gloria25]

I hate to rain on the parade here, but what you described: being with someone for 5 years then when you finally decided to marry them, it didn't last even 2 years...it would raise a red flag for me.

 

Why?

 

Cuz, I'd wonder if you had commitment issues. I mean, if you were with that person so long, it was like you wanted to hasvve one foot outside the RL by not actually "committing" (a marriage) and once you did take that leap to actually commit, you couldn't stand it for even two years.

 

I would wonder if it was "you" or you simply didn't wanna commit to "that" particular person. But even if it was the other person and not "you", I'd still be aprehensive about being with someone who "settled" with someone for five years and probably strung them along and/or wanted to keep one foot out "just in case" something better came along.

 

So, I'd like to know upfront, no later than by the third date.

 

And yes, recently I went out with a guy and he told me about his on/off situation with his ex and mother of his kid and that was a factor in me not going out for another date with him and not pursuing it.

 

Yes, we all have a past, but sometimes what you do now is still related to it and there are some stuff you shouldn't hide from people you're dating. Leave it up to them to decide if they wanna invest time in getting to know your "present" after you tell them about your "past".

[Michelle ma Belle]

I hate to rain on the parade here, but what you described: being with someone for 5 years then when you finally decided to marry them, it didn't last even 2 years...it would raise a red flag for me.

 

Why?

 

Cuz, I'd wonder if you had commitment issues. I mean, if you were with that person so long, it was like you wanted to hasvve one foot outside the RL by not actually "committing" (a marriage) and once you did take that leap to actually commit, you couldn't stand it for even two years.

 

I would wonder if it was "you" or you simply didn't wanna commit to "that" particular person. But even if it was the other person and not "you", I'd still be aprehensive about being with someone who "settled" with someone for five years and probably strung them along and/or wanted to keep one foot out "just in case" something better came along.

 

So, I'd like to know upfront, no later than by the third date.

 

And yes, recently I went out with a guy and he told me about his on/off situation with his ex and mother of his kid and that was a factor in me not going out for another date with him and not pursuing it.

 

Yes, we all have a past, but sometimes what you do now is still related to it and there are some stuff you shouldn't hide from people you're dating. Leave it up to them to decide if they wanna invest time in getting to know your "present" after you tell them about your "past".

 

I understand and agree with Gloria to a point. On paper, if I saw this it would raise red flags because I'd be thinking the same things she pointed out BUT this is where a thoughtful conversation needs to be had.

 

When the time is right and if there is sincere interest in the person you're dating and the topic comes up, this would be the point where you would be able to provide deeper meaning and explanation behind why your situation is what it is. Sometimes THAT makes all the difference.

 

Then again, he's a man and often men don't think the same way women do about these things so it might not even BE an issue let alone a topic of conversation.

 

[lookin ahead]

I hate to rain on the parade here, but what you described: being with someone for 5 years then when you finally decided to marry them, it didn't last even 2 years...it would raise a red flag for me.

 

Why?

 

Cuz, I'd wonder if you had commitment issues. I mean, if you were with that person so long, it was like you wanted to hasvve one foot outside the RL by not actually "committing" (a marriage) and once you did take that leap to actually commit, you couldn't stand it for even two years.

 

I would wonder if it was "you" or you simply didn't wanna commit to "that" particular person. But even if it was the other person and not "you", I'd still be aprehensive about being with someone who "settled" with someone for five years and probably strung them along and/or wanted to keep one foot out "just in case" something better came along.

 

 

And these are the reasons why i am wary about mentioning divorced because of comments like these. When you hear divorced most people assume there is something wrong with you, and i am guessing guys will look at a young women and see the same and makes me seem like i'm the one that failed in the marriage when it takes two to tango without knowing absolutely anything about my past relationship with my ex (because you wouldn't want to put all your business out there with a new date).

 

We were together for 7 years not 5 before we decided to get married, He joined the military while we were dating and we both agreed it was best to wait to get married since i was in school at the time and he had just joined and he was trying to make sense of it all since they shipped him out of our state to live in another state. We just figured it would be best for us to have our sh* together before getting married. He wanted to get married so did i, love him to pieces but then he backed out last minute (he enjoyed the military life of drinking and partying every day with no commitment (marriage) but then came back begged me like crazy and we ended up actually getting married. The military brought out his true colors i don't think the military changes anyone you are who you are, it just emphasizes your true self which was not a pretty sight thus we divorced (the details are unpleasant during that relationship) it turned very abusive and just ugly (he was physically abusive, no he didn't deploy to a war zone ever, he did nothing of that sort he simply worked a 9-5 and was home every weekend he was just an A-hole) He wanted to keep partying every night spent all of the money on our savings buying liquor and it was just ugly. He didn't care he didn't want to fix anything he didn't want to do anything about our marriage, and his physical abuse got worse and worse. Which is why i ran as fast as i could and divorced him because i didn't want to live a life like that, i refuse to let anyone treat me like dirt and hide behind his uniform like he did, it was hell and i actually dropped everything school, great job everything to be with him and get married with him etc.. its a long story.

 

but i don't think i would want to open that book to every person i meet is just unpleasant, and i don't want them to get the idea that you just got by just mentioning the word "divorced" without even truly knowing what happened. That is what i am afraid off.

Edited November 11, 2015 by lookin ahead

[Gloria25]

And these are the reasons why i am wary about mentioning divorced because of comments like these. When you hear divorced most people assume there is something wrong with you, and i am guessing guys will look at a young women and see the same and makes me seem like i'm the one that failed in the marriage when it takes two to tango without knowing absolutely anything about my past relationship with my ex (because you wouldn't want to put all your business out there with a new date).

 

We were together for 7 years not 5 before we decided to get married, He joined the military while we were dating and we both agreed it was best to wait to get married since i was in school at the time and he had just joined and he was trying to make sense of it all since they shipped him out of our state to live in another state. We just figured it would be best for us to have our sh* together before getting married. He wanted to get married so did i, love him to pieces but then he backed out last minute (he enjoyed the military life of drinking and partying every day with no commitment (marriage) but then came back begged me like crazy and we ended up actually getting married. The military brought out his true colors i don't think the military changes anyone you are who you are, it just emphasizes your true self which was not a pretty sight thus we divorced (the details are unpleasant during that relationship) it turned very abusive and just ugly (he was physically abusive, no he didn't deploy to a war zone ever, he did nothing of that sort he simply worked a 9-5 and was home every weekend he was just an A-hole) He wanted to keep partying every night spent all of the money on our savings buying liquor and it was just ugly. He didn't care he didn't want to fix anything he didn't want to do anything about our marriage, and his physical abuse got worse and worse. Which is why i ran as fast as i could and divorced him because i didn't want to live a life like that, i refuse to let anyone treat me like dirt and hide behind his uniform like he did, it was hell and i actually dropped everything school, great job everything to be with him and get married with him etc.. its a long story.

 

but i don't think i would want to open that book to every person i meet is just unpleasant, and i don't want them to get the idea that you just got by just mentioning the word "divorced" without even truly knowing what happened. That is what i am afraid off.

 

I don't see an issue here, IMO any reasonable person would understand if you explain it to them like you did just now...but yes, at some point this discussion will need to take place.

 

I'm not saying to bring it up "ever", but it's normal for people to ask if you ever been married, and they deserve to know if you've been married, divorced.

 

Now, as to the "why's" is up to you. You may go into detail depending on what realstically is relevant. I don't see your situation with this military guy as something you'd need to edit. Now, if you were wild crazy and stuff....meh, you might just wanna keep it simple and say that you were young and made some immature decidons and leave it at that.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I wouldn't see it as a red flag at all, it's interesting that people have said they'd find it worrying or noteworthy that you were together for so long before marrying. Few people tend to marry before five years together in my social circle, and I know plenty of couples who've been together 5-10 years who just don't plan to get married at all, or maybe at some point in the future. I guess it depends on how you view marriage.

 

But from what you've said, it sounds like you waited to make sure it was the right choice, and then you wed and it turned into an abusive relationship. You did well to get out when you did, many women and men in abusive relationships stay in them for years out of fear or manipulation.

 

Personally if I were talking to a guy who'd had the same timeline as you in his previous relationship it'd actually be a plus he waited five years to get married, as I would reckon it meant he took it seriously. People who get married after two years would be a red flag for me.

 

See, OP? Everyone views it differently. But new partners will find out at some point. Best to bring it up sooner rather than later to weed out anyone for whom it's a concern. But you're totally right, don't go in with the gory details for a while, it's enough to mention that you waited due to him being in the military and wanting to make sure it was right and that things turned bad after the wedding.