Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I am new here and need some advice with some newly wed problems. First my wife and I just got married two weeks ago and we have been together a total of 4 years. Well she moved into my home that I bought while we were dating and now she wants to change everything in said home and it is infuriating. But on another issue is I can't fall asleep in the same bed as her for some reason and i know its starting to hurt her but i do not know how to fix that issue. And another issue is in two weeks we are leaving for a two week transatlantic cruise that i somehow got talked into but honestly have no desire to go on anymore. Are these common problems? I honestly am Unsure what to do.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I found the 1st year of marriage to be very difficult. We had to learn how to function as a couple, not just individuals. It was a transition. You force yourself to get in bed with your spouse every night until your body learns to sleep with the other person. It does happen. Giggling under the covers together, warming each other's feet etc. brings you closer. As for the living space, it's hers now too. You loved her enough to marry her. Don't you love her enough to let her be comfortable? It's a compromise but you have to take a more generous approach to things. She gets to have her stuff in what is now her home too. If there is something extremely important to you, hang tough on that but do let her make changes. For us, DH had the nicer living room furniture so my couch was relegated to the den. My bedroom set became ours & we got a new mattress. His set became the guest room furniture. I gave my dishes away & we use his daily china plus our wedding china. What about your wedding gifts? Don't those things have a place in the home you will be sharing? You can't be so rigid about what had been your space. Maybe you need a whole fresh start. Would you consider selling your house & buying a new one that belongs to both of you so you can decorate it together? Take some time & enjoy the romance of your HM. It's a time to focus on the two of you as you start your new life. Chin up. Things will be fine. It's just change.
MightyPen Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Well she moved into my home that I bought while we were dating and now she wants to change everything in said home and it is infuriating. Here is my "married guy" advice to you. Hang TOUGH on this. I mean, yes, you'll have to make reasonable compromises, but this was my experience with my own wife, and also from observing other wives... Many women, whether it's some sort of nesting instinct, control issues, or something else, try to take over the ENTIRE home...and many times they succeed. Do NOT be that guy. (I'm that guy, and trust me, it's much harder reclaiming space in the home once you've given up on the initial battle). Again, reasonable compromise is necessary. She does deserve to be comfortable and feel like it's her house too. I would suggest that each of you have a space of your own. However, too many times this is split up as "Guy gets basement or garage, woman gets the rest of the house." And warning! When/if you have kids, any private office or poker room you have negotiated will be the first casualty! Edited November 10, 2015 by MightyPen 1
clia Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I am new here and need some advice with some newly wed problems. First my wife and I just got married two weeks ago and we have been together a total of 4 years. Well she moved into my home that I bought while we were dating and now she wants to change everything in said home and it is infuriating. What exactly does she want to change and why is it so infuriating? But on another issue is I can't fall asleep in the same bed as her for some reason and i know its starting to hurt her but i do not know how to fix that issue. You will get used to it over time. Didn't you ever sleep in the same bed during the four years you were dating? And another issue is in two weeks we are leaving for a two week transatlantic cruise that i somehow got talked into but honestly have no desire to go on anymore. This doesn't have anything to do with being newly married. If you didn't want to go on the cruise, you shouldn't have agreed to go on the cruise.
kgcolonel Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 To answer your question, this is VERY NORMAL.. Use the redecorating as an opportunity to learn new things about each other. (Been married 33 years next week) I remember our first year and the differences we had about decorating, budgeting, expenditures etc. I told her that I did not want to sleep on a floral bedspread but other than that, I really didn't care. I did want last say on the landscaping etc. We have always shopped until we found the things we both could agree on. Don't get into a rush to decide things. On the sleep, yes it is an adjustment but over the long haul, while these seem to be significant hurdles, they are preparing you to be able to work together on the really serious issues like health and family disputes etc. Use these as learning lessons and take advantage of them to learn to work together and to get to know each other. You are building the foundation of your future. 2
Bufo Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Redecorating? I can laugh now 30 years later. While she no doubt thought my taste in wives was impeccable, I soon learned that my taste in decor was not. I don't mean to be crude here, but there is an analogy I was told,when bitching to a married friend about my household being turned upside down. Male dogs have to mark their spot. So do women. She's marking her territory and there is nothing you can do about it without fighting a losing battle. Remember, she is the one judged by her mother, sisters, girlfriends and female acquaintances generally about how her house looks. Being a guy,my friends judge the house on whether there is cold beer in the fridge and snack food to eat while watching a manly large screen TV. And get a bigger bed. We now have aking sized one and its like sleeping alone. Edited November 10, 2015 by Bufo Stupid tablet causes misspellings 5
RecentChange Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Huh, maybe it's because I have been cohabitating for 14 years rather than married..... But I had no idea these were common problems.. The decorating.... Where is the team work? Where is the compromise? Where are the commonalities? What do you two Invision for your home? Maybe it's because I am not a "girly girl" but for the most part my guy and I have the same taste. Furnishing and decorating our first house together was fun! OUR place, where we could have it just how WE wanted it. And I guess you two never slept together before marriage? I would be pretty bummed out too if I couldn't fall asleep in his arms... I guess some say all of your problems are normal, sounds like an uphill climb to me though. I am surprised that after 4 years there are this many surprises. 2
Lois_Griffin Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 She just has to learn to be smarter about overhauling the house. When I moved in with my now-husband, I did it one room at a time and we did it together. I targeted the living room first and he actually got into completely updating the room and it looked fantastic when we were done. Before that, it looked liked something out of 1983. Blech. My next project was the dining room and again, we did it together. Yeah, the 80's were calling and wanted that room back, too. Two years later, the whole entire house has now been updated and has new furniture and it all looks amazing. Goodbye 1980's. Tell her one room at a time or it's too overwhelming for you. At the same time, she probably thinks it looks like a frat house and needs a woman's touch. You sound completely overwhelmed by everything. I'm assuming you two didn't live together before marriage? 2
OldRover Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I am new here and need some advice with some newly wed problems. First my wife and I just got married two weeks ago and we have been together a total of 4 years. Well she moved into my home that I bought while we were dating and now she wants to change everything in said home and it is infuriating. But on another issue is I can't fall asleep in the same bed as her for some reason and i know its starting to hurt her but i do not know how to fix that issue. And another issue is in two weeks we are leaving for a two week transatlantic cruise that i somehow got talked into but honestly have no desire to go on anymore. Are these common problems? I honestly am Unsure what to do. Justplain, I wouldn't get too excited about changing the house. Defer to her on most of it. Let her have the kitchen and dining. However, be proactive to HELP her, and offer some input, but don't insist. If she's going to dump all the furniture and spend $50K on new stuff, you probably want to be significantly on board and agree with that. The small stuff don't sweat. Like hanging pictures, a new table or couch, or anything in the kitchen. HELP her and don't fight it. Small potatoes in the grand scheme. Over the years, my OP has gotten about 95% say so in the house.... when she says remodel the kitchen, I say "what would YOU like". Then in the planning, we'll shop and plan together and I'll get plenty of input. I guide her as to stuff like the install or major remodeling, construction because that is my expertise. She picks the cabinets, countertop, appliances, cookware, dishes, etc. etc. And it turns out great. As for sleeping.... get used to it. A king sized bed helps, but many do fine with a queen. The king you can sleep along and put a row of pillows between you, and throw them on the floor when you get frisky. Most couples LOVE sleeping together, cuddle with her, rub her head to sleep and relax and just dose off yourself. I'd bet the 90% of the issue you have is a mind game... too much on your mind. Wind down before bed, eat right, and don't drink too much. You'll learn to LOVE sleeping with her. As for the vacation. Put is in your mind that you are going to go with enthusiasm. DON'T MENTION ONE THING WRONG WITH IT WHEN YOU'RE ON THE CRUISE! Downplay the bad parts and emphasize the good parts. This sounds like a honeymoon cruise.... MAKE IT THAT WAY, and pamper the heck out of her. Get her nice things, and do nice things to her. Be with her, take her where she wants to go... even if a different restaurant on the boat to shore cruises. IF YOU TAKE THE ATTITUDE THAT IT WILL BE THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE IT WILL PAY HANDSOME REWARDS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. An example.... I hate concerts, my SO loves them.... so we go a few times a year. When we do, I take the above attitude, and often I'll like it and have a good time. BUT the important thing is that SHE has a good time. If she does, she will be WONDERFUL after we get back home. Works! And then she'll do TEN things that I want to do. Yes, this is not abnormal, just adjustment to married life. You both have to put in 110% and will be well rewarded. AND you have to constantly feed it... nurture it and work on it, and married life will reward you. There's NOTHING better that a wonderful relationship with your SO. Now, go have fun. 2
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 I found the 1st year of marriage to be very difficult. We had to learn how to function as a couple, not just individuals. It was a transition. You force yourself to get in bed with your spouse every night until your body learns to sleep with the other person. It does happen. Giggling under the covers together, warming each other's feet etc. brings you closer. As for the living space, it's hers now too. You loved her enough to marry her. Don't you love her enough to let her be comfortable? It's a compromise but you have to take a more generous approach to things. She gets to have her stuff in what is now her home too. If there is something extremely important to you, hang tough on that but do let her make changes. For us, DH had the nicer living room furniture so my couch was relegated to the den. My bedroom set became ours & we got a new mattress. His set became the guest room furniture. I gave my dishes away & we use his daily china plus our wedding china. What about your wedding gifts? Don't those things have a place in the home you will be sharing? You can't be so rigid about what had been your space. Maybe you need a whole fresh start. Would you consider selling your house & buying a new one that belongs to both of you so you can decorate it together? Take some time & enjoy the romance of your HM. It's a time to focus on the two of you as you start your new life. Chin up. Things will be fine. It's just change. Yeah I would, She hasn't suggested or brought it up though. Everything has a place Just didn't know it would require a whole remodel.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 She just has to learn to be smarter about overhauling the house. When I moved in with my now-husband, I did it one room at a time and we did it together. I targeted the living room first and he actually got into completely updating the room and it looked fantastic when we were done. Before that, it looked liked something out of 1983. Blech. My next project was the dining room and again, we did it together. Yeah, the 80's were calling and wanted that room back, too. Two years later, the whole entire house has now been updated and has new furniture and it all looks amazing. Goodbye 1980's. Tell her one room at a time or it's too overwhelming for you. At the same time, she probably thinks it looks like a frat house and needs a woman's touch. You sound completely overwhelmed by everything. I'm assuming you two didn't live together before marriage? No, Stayed together a couple nights here or there. And I usually passed out on the couch or something.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 What exactly does she want to change and why is it so infuriating? You will get used to it over time. Didn't you ever sleep in the same bed during the four years you were dating? This doesn't have anything to do with being newly married. If you didn't want to go on the cruise, you shouldn't have agreed to go on the cruise. Changing the living room and kitchen tossing all of my stuff in different directions and putting new things up. No, Not exactly.
Dolfin80 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Alot of couples just sleep in separate beds and have separate rooms. I moved in with a guy once and struggled with the sleep deprivation. I found it quite annoying to sleep in the same bed with someone. I need personal space. Turning up to work a mess due to sleep deprivation isn't good and you can't do your job well, in fact it's quite risky to your health, you could injury yourself or others by being tired. So you can always set up separate rooms. Three of my married friends do this and seem quite happy. One of my gf even has her own ensuite. My parents have separate rooms, lived like that for 40 years of marriage. Edited November 10, 2015 by Dolfin80
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Just Plain She's trying to make the place feel more like her home too. She's not intentionally setting out to make you crazy. Deal with the new things she may be hanging up. Discuss the placement of kitchen items. Although it's a different arrangement, you might find you like it better. The whole thing is an adjustment & compromise is your new watch word. Since you would be open to a whole new house, perhaps bring that up to her while on your cruise.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Cruise is another problem entirely. Last time i was on one, I was sick the entire time. I let her have the big wedding and pick the honeymoon and I suppose that was a mistake Two weeks on a cruise ship.......
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Did you take anything for seasickness last time? If not, try over the counter things like non-drowsy Dramamine or bonine. Also buy yourself a set of accupressure sea-bands. You can get them at any major drug store. I got mine at WalMart. I love them & they really help. If you tried the OTC stuff last time & still got sick talk to your medical doctor about the patch or the shots. Remember, with sea-sick meds, more is NOT better. Too much of those meds will make you sicker then the ocean. Spend as much time possible on a middle deck, mid ship. Think of a fulcrum / seesaw. The middle has the least movement.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Yes I Took some, It made it more tolerable. We fly to Spain and board a ship and then it will bring us from there to Florida.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Seriously, try the sea bands. I won't sail without them. Ginger Ale can also help settle a queasy stomach. Hopefully you will have calm seas. If you haven't sailed in a while, know that the stabilizers have gotten A LOT better. Check out a website called Cruise Reviews, Cruise Deals and Cruises - Cruise Critic for more info & tips
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Thanks we have a suite and are cruising on Royal Caribbean.
OldRover Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Cruise is another problem entirely. Last time i was on one, I was sick the entire time. I let her have the big wedding and pick the honeymoon and I suppose that was a mistake Two weeks on a cruise ship....... Justplain, Perhaps it was a mistake to commit to a cruise, but sounds like there is no way out without a lot of expense, correct? Unfortunately you'll have to deal with it, but take whatever pills you need to minimize sea sickness and try to make the best of it. Next time, plan something that you both like.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Thanks we have a suite and are cruising on Royal Caribbean. I'm actually sorry to hear that. You will be on a cruise ship designed for sailing around in an area. You need to be on an ocean liner which is better suited for transatlantic voyages. Try to go with a good mind set. Stay off your balcony. Watching the horizon move will exacerbate your sea sickness.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Justplain, Perhaps it was a mistake to commit to a cruise, but sounds like there is no way out without a lot of expense, correct? Unfortunately you'll have to deal with it, but take whatever pills you need to minimize sea sickness and try to make the best of it. Next time, plan something that you both like. Correct about 27k down the drain with no refund if we canceled. I let her chose this because I wanted her to be happy though. I'm actually sorry to hear that. You will be on a cruise ship designed for sailing around in an area. You need to be on an ocean liner which is better suited for transatlantic voyages. Try to go with a good mind set. Stay off your balcony. Watching the horizon move will exacerbate your sea sickness. I didn't know there was a difference. Suite has a big balcony and is actually two stories. At least that is what the travel agent said.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 You are in some sort of major deluxe suite like an owners suite. Most balcony cabins have a small area that fits 2 upright chairs & that is it. Hopefully it will be a lovely fun filled voyage or otherwise you will get some good stories out of it. I sniffled my way through most of my European HM & even spent 2 days in bed alone after sending my new husband sight seeing on his own.
Author Justplainoleme Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 You are in some sort of major deluxe suite like an owners suite. Most balcony cabins have a small area that fits 2 upright chairs & that is it. Hopefully it will be a lovely fun filled voyage or otherwise you will get some good stories out of it. I sniffled my way through most of my European HM & even spent 2 days in bed alone after sending my new husband sight seeing on his own. Afraid that is what I am gonna have to do to my wife.
kgcolonel Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Suggestion on the cruise topic: Simply go and do your best to create wonderful memories with your new bride. Edited November 10, 2015 by kgcolonel duplicated on other comments
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