K2z Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I originally posted in late August. You will all scold me for peeking at her FB page but I did. On the cover: a breathtakingly gorgeous professionally shot pic of her sitting on a staircase in a pink formal dress with professionally styled hair and makeup, shiny high heels, and some photoshop to improve face and body features to boot. Social media comments on the pic, though they don't confirm 100%, are very convincing that this is a marriage prep photo. Maybe something for the invitation or whatnot. I spent yesterday man-crying in that undignified heave-bark way that we do, when there is no other alternative but to break down. Over and over. So she is marrying someone that she ostensibly met six months ago, when I spent three years with her building towards marriage. I am the fool in this equation: my caution was folly. I am in the deep deep woods of sadness, abandonment, and absolute despair. The tears come spontaneously. 3
Author K2z Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 How many times did I ask myself, is this an Angel sent to me? She came after a painful previous relationship. I never leapt the way I should have.
Author K2z Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 And yet I hope I am wrong. I hope there's a perfect alternate explanation to this. I think I am a bit sick.
Captivating Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Sometimes people post photos to make their ex jealous. Are you sure that she is marrying someone? What were the comments on the photo? Marrying someone after 6 months of dating seems rushed for me. One of my ex did that, married someone during the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Although there is the potential that it can work out.....most likely not. My ex is miserable. Did you have any contact with her in the last 6 months?? What happened with your relationship? Well, I understand how you feel, I was in the same situation before. It will get better, don't worry.
Captivating Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 And yet I hope I am wrong. I hope there's a perfect alternate explanation to this. I think I am a bit sick. You might be wrong and there is an "alternate explanation for it". Did you try to reconcile with her? No, you are not sick. Heartache is real, it is unbearable at times, we all go through this at times in our lives. It takes time to heal. It WILL heal, don't worry. Try to focus on yourself.
Author K2z Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Thank you for your kind words Captivating. I am devastated. The pre-wedding photo is a 95% inference for now, as in not iron clad confirmed... but I don't know what else it could be. I'd give a kidney to reconcile. I have stayed NC since August.
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 My ex's new FB cover photo is a stunningly beautiful professional glamour shot with full hair, makeup and heels... it is almost certainly a pre-wedding shot. (Comments kind of buttress the theory.) Mind you, at the longest definition of our breakup, we have been apart six months. A more real timeline is four. I am so gutted. And she, in this photo, is so beautiful... and, unless she's putting on a damn good act, she is full of happiness and energy. I feel I am being karmically served (to invoke the karma concept casually). I feel all the comfort and joy she provided me, while I delayed marrying her, are dropping down on my head. A year ago I would have never, ever predicted this disparate level of misery and happiness. It paralyzes me to think that I got myself here by being so emotionally obtuse, and makes be want to retreat into a turtle shell forever. (A sand grain of hope remains that I am wrong about the photo, and that I may yet somehow prevail, but yeah. I know. That's probably self-preservation fantasy.)
mightycpa Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 It paralyzes me to think that I got myself here by being so emotionally obtuse, and makes be want to retreat into a turtle shell forever.Totally ironic.
minimariah Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 i'm sorry, sweetheart. it seems like she wanted to get married, PERIOD. & found the first person who was willing to do so. try to be prepared for the scenario where she really is getting married soon. it is what it is and it hurts now and it will hurt even more in the future... but it wasn't meant to be. in fact, i'd dare to say you dodged a bullet... especially if she left you for someone else and turned the blame of the break - up so manipulativelly on YOU. let it out now, cry your heart out. it's that phase and you'll ge through it even if it seems hopeless now.
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 One of my hesitations, if I am to be honest with myself, is that I didn't feel particularly loved "for me," I felt that I was being seen as "good enough." Almost like I was being animal husbanded like some kind of marriage livestock. But that's me delving deep into the complaint tank. The simple truth is that this woman was fantastic and I would swim a shark pool just for the chance to try again. 1
minimariah Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 well... it definitely seems like she was simply looking for a husband. and that's confirmed with this, if she really is getting married so soon. she wanted to get married. that's about it. and she made it happen. again, i'd say you dodged a bullet. it just wasn't meant to be. she maybe was a fantastic woman but you're a fantastic guy and she was lucky to be with you -- why not think in that direction? it gets better. try to go NC again. 1
mightycpa Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Really? Is it?Yes, because crawling into your "turtle shell" is what got you into this situation. Frying pan, meet fire. ob·tuse əbˈt(y)o͞os,äbˈt(y)o͞os/ adjective adjective: obtuse 1. annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand. "His obtuse overreaction to her rejection reminded her why she dumped him in the first place" synonyms:stupid, slow-witted, slow, dull-witted, unintelligent, ignorant, simpleminded, witless; I'm much more impressed by this, because it shows some careful reflection that is grounded in reality: One of my hesitations, if I am to be honest with myself, is that I didn't feel particularly loved "for me," I felt that I was being seen as "good enough." Almost like I was being animal husbanded like some kind of marriage livestock. and then you go ruin it with this: But that's me delving deep into the complaint tank. The simple truth is that this woman was fantastic and I would swim a shark pool just for the chance to try again. as if you don't deserve someone who adores you for you. The truth is that I don't care how outwardly fantastic they are, forever is a damn long time with anybody who doesn't think the world of you. 3
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 You're a tough nut, but insightful, mightycpa. I would shudder to think of you and Taramaiden locked in verbal combat. You're both expert wielders of tough love. At the end of the day, love is a garden you tend to, I think. You don't blame the tomatoes when you haven't been watering them. And therefore I think my own hesitation to commit contributed to the woman's drift from "love" to utilitarian "good enough," in large part. I own that. From every rooftop I profess my error. If I have any chips to cash in with the universe, this woman will give me another chance. And if not... a long walk in the desert.
Blanco Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Her already being engaged should be enough to show you that you were most likely an ends to a mean, rather than someone she adored enough to want to walk through life together. Marriage was the top priority. Who it was with was immaterial to her. CPA is right. Marriage is hard enough when it involves two people who love each other, flaws and all. It's virtually impossible when at least one of the people involve isn't all that invested in the other person.
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Assuming, indeed, she is engaged. Yes, there was a certain marriage shot clock that unnerved me a bit. That said, she hung on for three years so she wasn't exactly holding a gun to my head. I come out of this one the fool, I think.
ManyDissapoint Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 You used a shot clock as an analogy. That's funny because I feel like a lot of women have 'relationship shot clocks' that are not only invisible but set to random durations. My ex ended our relationship supposedly because I didn't quit my business soon enough to move country. What is your personal opinion of marriage? I assume she came on strong, asking for marriage very early. But you had reservations. What were they? The morality of your choice not to marry this broad does not change based on the outcome.
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 It is a complex question. I suppose at first I was averse to marriage, but over time I took it for granted that we would be married... so much so, that I really dragged my feet and didn't talk about it with her the way I should have. I would give anything at all to have the chance to do it again. Or just to have her take me to heart that I know I was wrong.
Author K2z Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 I don't have 100% confirmation that she's getting married but I want it. I'm inclined to send a minimalist email inquiry, assuming she even takes my email anymore. I'm devastated. I'm replaced. I was at home plate and I struck out. I didn't even swing sincerely. And yet, what the commenters say is probably true. She just wanted a marriage mule. Did my instincts protect me? Some friends say they did, and that I "dodged a bullet." She's the most beautiful, classy, elegant, marriage trap I could have ever hoped for though. I'm mildly drunk. Man-cries surface rapidly and without warning. How did I screw up so bad?
SensitiveTJ Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I don't have 100% confirmation that she's getting married but I want it. I'm inclined to send a minimalist email inquiry, assuming she even takes my email anymore. I'm devastated. I'm replaced. I was at home plate and I struck out. I didn't even swing sincerely. And yet, what the commenters say is probably true. She just wanted a marriage mule. Did my instincts protect me? Some friends say they did, and that I "dodged a bullet." She's the most beautiful, classy, elegant, marriage trap I could have ever hoped for though. I'm mildly drunk. Man-cries surface rapidly and without warning. How did I screw up so bad? Doubtful you screwed up at all. I have to confess, I have been in exactly your current situation. My ex-gf got married about 7 months after we broke up. At first I blamed myself. But subsequent events changed my perspective. My ex was obsessed with having a wedding, lol-not even marriage, just a wedding. She would have said yes to literally anyone. She was not a stable and balanced person. Needless to say, she was divorced less than a year later, at age 23. Karma and all that. 1
Author K2z Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 To the universe, I shout, please let this be some kind of misunderstanding. A wild fluke of misinterpretation. I can't conceive of her married so soon. I am inclined to just email her and ask her. Or ask her sister. I won't. But if I confirm that she is marrying, I feel a tremendous compulsion to say/email SOMETHING.
Blanco Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 But if I confirm that she is marrying, I feel a tremendous compulsion to say/email SOMETHING. Just so long as that compulsion doesn't lead to saying anything. Remember, nothing you say or do will change anything for the better. If anything, it will make things worse. Also, as much as it hurts, she isn't with you any longer, so she's free to date, sleep, marry anyone she wants and when she wants. She owes you no explanation. We as exes often have trouble understanding and accepting in the aftermath of a breakup that our exes are individuals who owe us nothing. It doesn't feel very good. Whether or not it's tactful is debatable. But ultimately, we are not entitled to have any say in what they do with their romantic lives after we are not with them.
Author K2z Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 She owes you no explanation. I don't get some judgmental comments? Parting shots? I've been composing them in my head. If nothing else, this sudden engagement gives lie to the mountain of bulls**t she poured on me at the initial BU.
makemineamac Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 And it doesn't matter really. We live, we learn, you got screwed over perhaps, or maybe not. She's moved on, you need to do the same. It sucks, don't make the same mistakes again. You may even find someone better. Not necessarily, but you might. Sorry for what happened here.
Blanco Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I don't get some judgmental comments? Parting shots? I've been composing them in my head. If nothing else, this sudden engagement gives lie to the mountain of bulls**t she poured on me at the initial BU. Sure, if you want to feel better for a few weeks, days, or maybe even hours. But it doesn't change anything. I've thought of plenty of things I would've loved to say to my ex in the aftermath of the breakup, but I didn't because 1) Writing those thoughts down had about the same cathartic effect and 2) I couldn't get her to see my side of things when we were together and she was supposed to have my back. Why would she suddenly see things my way, especially when they could be perceived as critical against her?
Recommended Posts