emva07 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, It's been a while since I've posted just been lurking... But I need your help once more! For the past two months I have been dating an Indian guy from Delhi...I am American by way of Latino parents. He is the first one ever from his family to come to the States (he doesn't even have a distant uncle or cousin or anything here). He is studying for a masters in engineering and is very intelligent and plans to stay here for work as he really likes it and says he can't really see himself living in India after being here. We get along great he is the sweetest thing, cooks for me, hugs me, cuddles, takes me to the movies, etc. My cute little nerd (his roommates and him compare themselves to the Silicon Valley crew so you guys have an idea). but the more I've started to like him, the more I fear the whole "he will leave you for an Indian girl in the end, arranged marriage, make his family happy" mentality that they are very well known for. The pain was so much I left him about two weeks ago but he didn't understand why so I finally told him that i didn't want to be used for fun just to be dumped once he is ready to settle down with a good Indian wife and that if he knows that that is the path for him, that i don't want a part of it, he said that he doesn't have anything arranged back home but that he doesn't know what the future may hold, he is not even thinking about marriage right now. That he knows how American dating works, that people date, and if with time they want to marry, they do but he can't tell me right now at this moment whether that will happen with us but that if say, in a year or so he stops liking me he doesn't want me to feel used either because he takes our relationship seriously and never wants me to feel used. He is no pyschic so doesn't know what will happen in the future. That being said, he never mentioned arranged marriage is completely off the table. He has mentioned that he is atheist but admires his Hindu roots. That his family isn't too religious like his uncles and aunts who still do arranged marriages to his cousins. He likes cooking his own food as he does't like frozen foods and does occasional fast food while studying and he loves Auntie Anne's hehehe. My friend tells me to stop saddening myself and just enjoy it, that instead of focusing on our differences being our doom, to embrace them, that he will embrace them too but if i keep bringing that up, it will turn him off. I need help in knowing what I can do to stop thinking these negative thoughts. Maybe there are things I can do to let him know I am invested as well? He does all the cooking so me learning isn't really the way to his heart lol. He serves me hand and foot so when I try to do the same he tells me I don't need to trouble myself so I do what I can. I don't know....any Indian men and/or women can help me in tips on dating and better understanding him? Thanks! Edited November 10, 2015 by emva07
seekingluck Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I've got nothing for you. All of the south Asian men i know who dated out all married people of their ethnic background in their 30s. Not necessarily arranged. But...... Best of luck to you. You need to figure out if he is willing to bridge that gap. Have you met his family? 2
Author emva07 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) I've got nothing for you. All of the south Asian men i know who dated out all married people of their ethnic background in their 30s. Not necessarily arranged. But...... Best of luck to you. You need to figure out if he is willing to bridge that gap. Have you met his family? No, it has only been two months and they are all in India, nobody is here. Thanks for the insight, every bit helps. And yes, same experience here. Well I have one white friend who married one lol. But most end up marrying within. Edited November 10, 2015 by emva07
crazybestie101 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Hey guys, It's been a while since I've posted just been lurking... But I need your help once more! For the past two months I have been dating an Indian guy from Delhi...I am American by way of Latino parents. He is the first one ever from his family to come to the States (he doesn't even have a distant uncle or cousin or anything here). He is studying for a masters in engineering and is very intelligent and plans to stay here for work as he really likes it and says he can't really see himself living in India after being here. We get along great he is the sweetest thing, cooks for me, hugs me, cuddles, takes me to the movies, etc. My cute little nerd (his roommates and him compare themselves to the Silicon Valley crew so you guys have an idea). but the more I've started to like him, the more I fear the whole "he will leave you for an Indian girl in the end, arranged marriage, make his family happy" mentality that they are very well known for. The pain was so much I left him about two weeks ago but he didn't understand why so I finally told him that i didn't want to be used for fun just to be dumped once he is ready to settle down with a good Indian wife and that if he knows that that is the path for him, that i don't want a part of it, he said that he doesn't have anything arranged back home but that he doesn't know what the future may hold, he is not even thinking about marriage right now. That he knows how American dating works, that people date, and if with time they want to marry, they do but he can't tell me right now at this moment whether that will happen with us but that if say, in a year or so he stops liking me he doesn't want me to feel used either because he takes our relationship seriously and never wants me to feel used. He is no pyschic so doesn't know what will happen in the future. That being said, he never mentioned arranged marriage is completely off the table. He has mentioned that he is atheist but admires his Hindu roots. That his family isn't too religious like his uncles and aunts who still do arranged marriages to his cousins. He likes cooking his own food as he does't like frozen foods and does occasional fast food while studying and he loves Auntie Anne's hehehe. My friend tells me to stop saddening myself and just enjoy it, that instead of focusing on our differences being our doom, to embrace them, that he will embrace them too but if i keep bringing that up, it will turn him off. I need help in knowing what I can do to stop thinking these negative thoughts. Maybe there are things I can do to let him know I am invested as well? He does all the cooking so me learning isn't really the way to his heart lol. He serves me hand and foot so when I try to do the same he tells me I don't need to trouble myself so I do what I can. I don't know....any Indian men and/or women can help me in tips on dating and better understanding him? Thanks! I can help you with this! It all depends on guy. Some Indian guys do marry other races and their parents are super chill about it and then there are guys who like to have fun and then they dump their gf's and marry according to their parents choice. So you need to be careful with such guys. All i can see you to wait and watch, dont get to attached with this guy. Once you have been dating for long (> 1 year) , may be you should bring up topic about getting engaged and meeting parents , see his reaction. I myself is Indian and dated indian guy who left me because i wasn't in same cast as him. Now, he has been dating white chicks with whom he is never going to get serious. At the end he will marry Indian girl according to his parents choice. You just need to watch out from such a**holes. Even being Indian i can tell you Indian can be hypocrites lol
losangelena Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I think it really depends on the guy. My ex is Indian, from India. If he wasn't already done with graduate school I'd almost suspect it's the same guy by how you describe him. He's 31 and had come here for graduate school, then ended up staying and is in the middle of his green card process. His parents are very invested in getting him an Indian bride, but he's very resistant. He says that as long as he's in America, he wants to have "an American experience." I had fears/doubts like you did, too. The entire year we were together, he didn't tell his family about me at all, which I'm sure made his parents that much more confused as to why he wasn't accepting any of their offers. I had mixed feelings about that choice, but I can understand him not wanting to rock the boat any more than he already had with his family. I suspect he would have told them eventually, if we'd gotten to a serious enough place, but we never did. We broke up for other reasons. Anyway, it is quite the cultural difference. If I were you, I'd take him at his word about it at this point. But I do think it's a possibility that you decide now whether or not you're OK with. He may decide to go against his family's wishes and marry a non-Indian, but on the other hand ... he might not. My guess would be that your chances are better with someone who doesn't come from as traditional a family, someone first-generation. It's hard though, I get it, especially when you really like someone. Maybe give yourself a set amount of time—like six months or something, and then reevaluate where you two are. That way you give the relationship some time to develop, but you're not so invested at that point that it'll get really messy if you break it off. 1
Author emva07 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Thanks losangelena for your feedback. Yes. If I want this to even stand a chance I can't keep sabotaging myself. It's good that your guy had the communication with you that his family wanted it for him. This guy hasn't told me what his family wants for him. Maybe that means they are lax about it. He does say he wants to marry around the age of 31 and now we are 28. That he doesn't even think about it. But when he DOES think about it I wonder if I'd be a contender. I'll give it 6 months. By then I should know if he is dating me with purpose or just to pass the time. He claims he is not but the older he gets, it will come up with his family I am sure. Like your ex. He plans to stay here. Says it's a lot more convenient career wise and he just doesn't see himself living over there now that he's been here for a while. Edited November 10, 2015 by emva07
Shining One Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 As others have stated, it really depends on the individual. I'm an Indian man and I've eschewed traditional Indian culture. My parents attempted to arrange marriages for me, but after I refused to travel home with them, they finally gave up and accepted my choice.
ss1891 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 Not all Indian men and women are looking for arranged marriages. And not all Indian parents are forcing their kids to marry other Indians. Such a huge stereotype. If all you are focused on are these cultural differences, maybe you aren't ready to date an Indian person. If there are other concerns regarding his personality or romantic incompatibility, that would be another issue. But if you are willing to leave a guy because you somehow imagine that all the Indian stereotypes are true, I don't think it will work out.
ffw Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 It's not good to generalize whole community/country. Having said that, if he's serious about you he will eventually introduced you to his family. Now, whether his family accepts you or not and what he'll do if they don't accept that's for another debate. It's too early to say at this point. At this point, all I can say is if he's willing to stay with you after studies then most probably it will work. If he's going back, then probably it won't. GL.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 What should an Indian man worry about, culturally, if he's dating a Latina? 2
sportygirl89 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 I can help you with this! It all depends on guy. Some Indian guys do marry other races and their parents are super chill about it and then there are guys who like to have fun and then they dump their gf's and marry according to their parents choice. So you need to be careful with such guys. All i can see you to wait and watch, dont get to attached with this guy. Once you have been dating for long (> 1 year) , may be you should bring up topic about getting engaged and meeting parents , see his reaction. I myself is Indian and dated indian guy who left me because i wasn't in same cast as him. Now, he has been dating white chicks with whom he is never going to get serious. At the end he will marry Indian girl according to his parents choice. You just need to watch out from such a**holes. Even being Indian i can tell you Indian can be hypocrites lol My ex was like this. Then I saw he had a big lavish I assume Indian wedding. Another note to OP some do have anger management issues. Be weary, but enjoy it. Also be careful of the whole green card thing. My ex hit me once and I kicked his ass to the curb.
Author emva07 Posted November 16, 2015 Author Posted November 16, 2015 Hello everyone, Thanks for all the comments. I came to the realization that it was silly of me to assume all these things. And yes, all cultures have their stereotypes and for the most part we all have that "he/she will just end up marrying their own" stereotype but if we all went around fearing them nobody would ever have a working relationship. He has his own stereotypes too that I don't agree with (white people divorce over anything) but they are just that, stereotypes he will in time realize are not true. We are still holding strong and steady and I will enjoy it for what it is. He really likes me and I really like him. He is kind and loving so until he proves otherwise, I will be kind and loving to him too and see where this leads or doesn't. He is already including me in his post-graduation life so so far so good and can't wait until we have more time with one another in a homework free life. 1
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