wonderbug111 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 So I broke things off with my bf of 11mths today. Lots of reasons but mainly his own insecurity is ultimately what ended it for me. We spent the weekend in an ongoing argument about why I was "acting different" for the zillionth time. I told him I was in a bad mood Friday and I was over it but he wouldn't let it go. By Sunday I was exhausted by it. Then he made a statement about me not making memories with my kids bc I'm always working ( as if I have a choice! I'm a single mom and I have to work 1 sat a month. This was my weekend) This statement really angered me. Before I went to sleep, I received a text from him with a meme that said "it's not an ending, it's just the part of the story where you turn the page". I took this as another juvenile threat of ending the relationship. The next morning, he had taken down the last 2 remaining pictures of me on his fb where he had claimed I was the "love of his life". He had already taken down numerous pics of me whenever he was angry with me. I had zero reaction to seeing this ( where in the past I would feel like my stomach dropped and my heart would race). I decided I couldn't continue this. Although he is awesome to me when things are good, when there is any kind of conflict, he spirals out of control with his thought process and begins accusing me of cheating and just in general become incredibly insecure. I took his things over to his apt including his garage door opener and picked up my stuff while he was at work. We've argued about the same issues over and over and I don't see a reason to talk to him. He called me 26 times and texted me 8 times and is telling me what a horrible person I am for ending things. He is accusing me of having another man in the wings ( I don't) or that I had this all pre-planned out. (Why?). Or that he obviously meant nothing to me and that I don't give a f#ck about him. ALL NOT TRUE! I just cannot continue with his constant insecurity. It's very unattractive and if you've read my previous posts, there are some other things I already had issues with. Do I just continue with NC or talk to him? He usually just talks over me and doesn't let me speak when he's upset so there's no need to on my end but I do feel bad for him. I do actually love him. I just need to get off this hamster wheel.
NoLeafClover Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Make sure u are 100% done and that is what you want. Just how you got tired of it he could feel the same. My take is, if you love him you perhaps need to make sure this is what you want. Why? Because you might end up changing your mind but he won't be able to take you back or if he does ...he will always be worried you will do this again. Don't make decisions you are not sure about at the heat of the moment. If you are 100% done then tell him straight up, your reasons, how you feel and tell him to stop contact on both ends. Good luck. 1
mightycpa Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I doubt that you love him. I think you love part of him, but not the part you don't like, and that part has taken center stage. The textbook advice is to ignore until he gets the message. The alternative is to explain that every call, every text, every attempt at contact is a pointed reminder of his insecurity and while there is no chance for a rekindling, being needy isn't helping his cause. Or, if you really want to end it, then lie to him. Tell him he's right, that you wanted to spare his feelings, but the truth is that the minute you met Mr. Wonderful, you forgot everything you ever felt for him, and that you're willing to go into rich detail if he persists. 1
Author wonderbug111 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 I doubt that you love him. I think you love part of him, but not the part you don't like, and that part has taken center stage. The textbook advice is to ignore until he gets the message. The alternative is to explain that every call, every text, every attempt at contact is a pointed reminder of his insecurity and while there is no chance for a rekindling, being needy isn't helping his cause. Or, if you really want to end it, then lie to him. Tell him he's right, that you wanted to spare his feelings, but the truth is that the minute you met Mr. Wonderful, you forgot everything you ever felt for him, and that you're willing to go into rich detail if he persists. Well, that made me chuckle. I like all 3 of your suggestions. And you're right about the love part. I feel immense love for him until his head spins around and he begins acting like a 12 yr old girl. Then I lose all respect for him. I think I'm done. We've had disagreements before and I've always felt horrible ( heartbreak, anxiety, regret etc) if we came anywhere near breaking up but I did this today at 9am and have felt fine all day (aside from listening to his hateful msgs to me). I know he's hurt and lashing out but jc, again...it's a huge reminder of why I'm walking away. He doesn't get any of it. And I'm tired of trying to explain. Thank you for your help.
Author wonderbug111 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Btw, on second hand, this would prob get me shot. His intensity levels scare me.. "Or, if you really want to end it, then lie to him. Tell him he's right, that you wanted to spare his feelings, but the truth is that the minute you met Mr. Wonderful, you forgot everything you ever felt for him, and that you're willing to go into rich detail if he persists"
mightycpa Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Btw, on second hand, this would prob get me shot. His intensity levels scare me.. "Or, if you really want to end it, then lie to him. Tell him he's right, that you wanted to spare his feelings, but the truth is that the minute you met Mr. Wonderful, you forgot everything you ever felt for him, and that you're willing to go into rich detail if he persists"Of course, if you believe that, then he's clearly unsuitable. But you don't strike me as the kind of woman who could pull off the old I'm afraid of you, leave me alone!You give the impression of being someone having to be more along the lines of I'm afraid of him, your honor, make him leave me alone!
Author wonderbug111 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Haha... Well, you're right again... I'm not sure what wordsi'd be saying if he showed up at my door right now. I changed my pass code on my garage door so that he can't walk in. And I don't expect him to especially when he knows my kids are here, but you can hear the anger iand desperation in his voice on the voice messages and it worries me he could just drive over here. My worries will probably be more paramount beginning Friday night when he knows my kids go to their dads and that I'm alone. Hopefully cooler heads will have prevailed by then.
mightycpa Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Why don't you explain things to Dad, and have him stay at your place Friday night with the kids while you go out with a friend or something? After all, Dad has a pretty clear interest in the ex respecting your boundaries, doesn't he? Hopefully it will all blow over by then.
PegNosePete Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I'm not sure what wordsi'd be saying if he showed up at my door right now "Please leave or I will call the police and have you removed from my doorstep" Or even better... *SLAM* (door closing in his face without a word) you can hear the anger iand desperation in his voice on the voice messages Why are you listening to them? Delete. Who cares what he says or thinks? Ignore him.
phalgal Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I think you are doing the right thing by completely ignoring him. He sounds like the type that is just going to try and degrade you if you try to explain why you don't want to be with him. If he shows up to your door don't even answer it. It is better to be safe than to try and appease him. Complete no contact is the only way to get him to go away. With the way he is acting you don't owe him anything. Stay strong!
Samhain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 He sounds emotionally immature, and controlling. Taking down the pictures, sending cryptic text messages, accusing you of cheating, are all tools of manipulation. Especially if he knows in the past these things have panicked you, he is doing it as a form of punishment to make you beg and plead, sort of a "how dare she, does she not know I'm the best thing that's happened to her and I can snatch my love away at any time and ruin her". Unfortunately for him, it's backfired, and it sounds as though you were already emotionally detached to a degree before this happened. If he were a nice decent understanding guy I'd probably say it may be best to just send an email or leave a message explaining your reasons before going full no contact. But in this case I don't think it would be wise to communicate in any way at all as he will view that as a way to try and slither back in. You've already said he just slaps you down and talks over you anyway so it would be pointless trying. You can't reason with controlling personalities. Take extra security precautions for when you are with your children not only when you are alone. And at the first sign of him even attempting to approach you or your home, contact the police. A lot of stalking scenarios begin just like this one, and if you need a restraining order it is in your favor to document any attempts on his part to harass you. An already unstable personality can quickly turn unhinged and you don't know what he is and isn't capable of.
Author wonderbug111 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 He sounds emotionally immature, and controlling. Taking down the pictures, sending cryptic text messages, accusing you of cheating, are all tools of manipulation. Especially if he knows in the past these things have panicked you, he is doing it as a form of punishment to make you beg and plead, sort of a "how dare she, does she not know I'm the best thing that's happened to her and I can snatch my love away at any time and ruin her". Unfortunately for him, it's backfired, and it sounds as though you were already emotionally detached to a degree before this happened. If he were a nice decent understanding guy I'd probably say it may be best to just send an email or leave a message explaining your reasons before going full no contact. But in this case I don't think it would be wise to communicate in any way at all as he will view that as a way to try and slither back in. You've already said he just slaps you down and talks over you anyway so it would be pointless trying. You can't reason with controlling personalities. Take extra security precautions for when you are with your children not only when you are alone. And at the first sign of him even attempting to approach you or your home, contact the police. A lot of stalking scenarios begin just like this one, and if you need a restraining order it is in your favor to document any attempts on his part to harass you. An already unstable personality can quickly turn unhinged and you don't know what he is and isn't capable of. Wow. I've thought this same thing but to have someone else see it (and you're not even SEEING it) is concerning. I know in the past it has devastated him when there is anything wrong with us. He doesn't eat or sleep, has horrible headaches, will start smoking again and has on one occasion drank heavily and took anxiety meds and sent me utube video music songs that sounded like he was suicidal. When I went to his apt to check on him bc he wouldn't answer his phone, he verbally attacked me. It was horrible. He told me I was a whore and asked how many d*cks I had sucked that night (I had been at a co-workers bonfire with my kids and left early to check on him). He accused me of moving my rings around to make myself look more "single". He told me that he was way smarter than I was just because he didn't go to college and I did and he mocked me for swimming for a Division I Big Ten team. Like it was a total joke. He told me that the CIA wanted him to work for them (wtf) and that he had killed 2 people. (WTF) one in 1991 and one in 1993 and that he "really didn't want to go back to that again." WTF WTF WTF After sitting there like a deer in the headlights, I finally got up and walked out. The next morning he began calling and texting at 6am to apologize and said he lied about the killing and really didn't remember anything he had said. Ugh. It was very jarring. I felt like I was in the twilight zone bc I really had never seen him be that ugly. ANyways, sorry I got off on a tangent. My point is yes, he scares me. He's ex-military, VERY into guns and knives. Yikes. This all sounds very bad.
schiller Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Do I just continue with NC or talk to him? You go no contact because there's nothing left to say and continued contact will only escalate the conflict and/or he'll do the whole begging and pleading thing which gets so ugly. 1
mightycpa Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 swimming for a Division I Big Ten teamA grueling existence indeed. On the main topic, he does sound a little bent. The whole knives and guns thing sounds like a compensatory mechanism for an inadequacy that he feels. These things scare people, or make them treat him with fear/respect, like a person to be reckoned with or something along those lines, and that makes up for something he cannot earn from people just being himself. The "I'm smarter than you even though you went to college" also speaks to that same feeling of inadequacy. I'd bet money on it. When you throw it in with all the other stuff you've said, the bottom line is that he doesn't know how to act, how to be himself, so he acts out. There's some problem with self-worth down at the bottom of all that. It makes me think he's more bark than bite, but you can't discount some volatility lurking around in there.
Author wonderbug111 Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 A grueling existence indeed. On the main topic, he does sound a little bent. The whole knives and guns thing sounds like a compensatory mechanism for an inadequacy that he feels. These things scare people, or make them treat him with fear/respect, like a person to be reckoned with or something along those lines, and that makes up for something he cannot earn from people just being himself. The "I'm smarter than you even though you went to college" also speaks to that same feeling of inadequacy. I'd bet money on it. When you throw it in with all the other stuff you've said, the bottom line is that he doesn't know how to act, how to be himself, so he acts out. There's some problem with self-worth down at the bottom of all that. It makes me think he's more bark than bite, but you can't discount some volatility lurking around in there. Very on point. He has huge inadequacy problems. I never looked at the gun and knife thing the way you described but you're prob right. He just became a firearms instructor a couple years ago. I've always felt he was jealous of me (which is something I've never experienced feeling with someone I was with) on various levels. It's weird. He last contact was this morning via email and he hasn't called since yesterday so hopefully he's calming down.
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