Not sure if I [39/M] should follow the no contact rule with a girl [36/F]I like.

[EddieMonet]

The Background is kind of complicated so I apologize: I dated a girl a little over a year ago and she was really into me. I freaked out and broke it off after about 2-3 months (for reasons that are vague and confound me). Realizing my mistake, I got back together with her, only to break it off again. After about a year, I ran into her and we eventually started hanging out again. We spent at least one day a week for the entire summer and fall hanging out and focusing on just being friends. However, there was always sexual tension in the air due to our mutual attraction to each other and we became friends with benefits (her idea). This was fine for awhile but I couldn't help but to want more. I wanted to see her more than just once a week (being a typical guy I wanted to nail it down). She was receptive to the idea, even going so far as to plan a night to stay over (she is insanely busy and stressed with a career change and her time is extremely important to her). However, she ended up cancelling the sleep over due to a scheduling conflict and I told her I was disappointed. I think this is where things kind of changed. She started cooling off. We would still hang out every weekend. But she essentially told me that she's figuring things out and keeping me at arm’s length. We ended up going out a couple of weeks ago and the date went great. We had a good time. I ended up going to New Orleans for a week, so we couldn’t hang out the next weekend. I texted her, but she put minimal effort into responding, it was a short 'lol' kind of text back. A few days later I called her and didn’t leave a message but she called a day later, which I couldn't answer because I was busy. I did end up texting her back that night but it was a dumb 'hey I'm at this crazy haunted house’ to which she never responded back to. So that was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her, nor have I attempted to communicate with her. I figure she wants some space, maybe I’ve just confused the **** out of her and I should just give her a call. I honestly can’t figure out what path to choose.

Ugh.

[Mystique01]

The Background is kind of complicated so I apologize: I dated a girl a little over a year ago and she was really into me. I freaked out and broke it off after about 2-3 months (for reasons that are vague and confound me). Realizing my mistake, I got back together with her, only to break it off again. After about a year, I ran into her and we eventually started hanging out again. We spent at least one day a week for the entire summer and fall hanging out and focusing on just being friends. However, there was always sexual tension in the air due to our mutual attraction to each other and we became friends with benefits (her idea). This was fine for awhile but I couldn't help but to want more. I wanted to see her more than just once a week (being a typical guy I wanted to nail it down). She was receptive to the idea, even going so far as to plan a night to stay over (she is insanely busy and stressed with a career change and her time is extremely important to her). However, she ended up cancelling the sleep over due to a scheduling conflict and I told her I was disappointed. I think this is where things kind of changed. She started cooling off. We would still hang out every weekend. But she essentially told me that she's figuring things out and keeping me at arm’s length. We ended up going out a couple of weeks ago and the date went great. We had a good time. I ended up going to New Orleans for a week, so we couldn’t hang out the next weekend. I texted her, but she put minimal effort into responding, it was a short 'lol' kind of text back. A few days later I called her and didn’t leave a message but she called a day later, which I couldn't answer because I was busy. I did end up texting her back that night but it was a dumb 'hey I'm at this crazy haunted house’ to which she never responded back to. So that was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her, nor have I attempted to communicate with her. I figure she wants some space, maybe I’ve just confused the **** out of her and I should just give her a call. I honestly can’t figure out what path to choose.

Ugh.

 

Did she actually say this??? "keeping you at arms length..."

 

 

Anyway, I don't see any problem in calling her and leaving a message this time.

 

 

But after that, yea I would definitely give her some space. She's acting flaky imo. Maybe she's scared of getting hurt again since it seemed like the last two times you were always the one to call things off or break up with her. Who knows, maybe she just doesn't feel like she can really trust you right now.

 

Or, it could be that her interest is waning and she has her sights set elsewhere. Imo, the only way to find out is to call her and actually communicate.

 

Btw, what's wrong with just telling her that you now want a serious relationship? I know she initiated the FWB deal, but maybe that was more so because she wasn't sure what YOUR feelings were. I guess maybe she figured that since a "casual" thing was all you ever wanted (since you would always back away when things got serious), that she would rather have you as a FWB buddy than not at all.

 

Idk...I'm just brainstorming here.

 

But in reality, neither of us are going to know what she's really thinking. Only SHE can provide that for you. I see nothing wrong with calling her at least one more time. No more texting...I swear, texting has really made communication so vague imo. People can hide so easily behind texting and keep you at arms length distance.

[EddieMonet]

She definitely told me "keeping me at arm's length". She said she wasn't exactly sure what it was that was holding her back. Maybe it's me and not so much the history.

 

I did communicate to her that I wan't something more serious. Perhaps she just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth or worse, it's me that she's not into. I guess you're right. I need to call her. I'm terrified of course. Because I figure I might hear what I don't want to hear.

[kismetkismet]

well you certainly didn't lay very good grounds for a relationship.. it seems like every time this girl maybe starts getting comfortable you drop her. The fact that you've left the relationship twice already probably means that she's investing very little at this stage. She can't rely on you at all so why would she put in any effort? Or be able to put any trust into it? And then you are irritable with her about one sleepover.. You don't seem like you are emotionally ready to be in a relationship given the fact that you have broken up with her not once, but twice, without even knowing why. Do you have commitment issues of some kind?

[Mystique01]

She definitely told me "keeping me at arm's length". She said she wasn't exactly sure what it was that was holding her back. Maybe it's me and not so much the history.

 

I did communicate to her that I wan't something more serious. Perhaps she just doesn't have the emotional bandwidth or worse, it's me that she's not into. I guess you're right. I need to call her. I'm terrified of course. Because I figure I might hear what I don't want to hear.

 

Well, one thing that might be a little bit of a consolation to you is the fact that 9 times out of 10, most people do things because of THEMSELVES. Very rarely is it about the other person. Even if the person flat out rejects you, it's because of THEM. THEY weren't attracted. THEY weren't interested. THEY weren't ready for a commitment. THEY needed more time. THEY were scared. THEY didn't feel comfortable. THEY didn't see a future with you. And the list goes on and on..... We as humans are very self-focused. It's always about what WE need, what WE can get, and what is best for US....most of the time.

 

So, even if she does reject you, remember that essentially in the end it's really NOT about you. It's about that person. This helps to not take any rejection personally. Someone rejecting you doesn't change your self worth in any way, nor does it mean that you are unfit for a relationship. It could just mean that you and this particular person just weren't meant to be in a deep relationship.

 

I know that sounds very cliche and "Chicken Soup for the Soul", but it's honestly really true.

 

I say just forget the fear, call her, and move on from there. If she is a commitment-phobe then maybe it's better that you find that out NOW instead of a few months down the line after you've REALLY started to fall for her.