tajimamori Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I am a 20 year old student and I have been dating dating a girl for a month and we have not had much physical affection yet. We have gone on three dates so far (although only one was in a private location) and we have neither kissed nor had sex. I have not had any experience in dating or sex before so I don't know what is normal but I thought that it would be sex on the first date as a universal rule for anyone over 18. Although I have a lot of anxiety about sex and would prefer to wait for a while I am afraid that since we haven't had sex yet it is a sign that she isn't attracted to me and thus the relationship won't go anywhere
basil67 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Sex on the first date isn't common. Sure, it can happen but it's hardly an expected outcome. And there are many adults who would not even consider doing it. Do not use this as your benchmark. There is no need to rush things. Have you held hands yet or hugged each other upon greeting or goodbyes? This would be a reasonable expectation at this point of your relationship. At this stage, a sign that she's not into you would be if she dodges non sexual physical touch with you. What's going on with your anxiety about sex? What concerns do you have? For the record, it's really common for younger men these days to get confused between reality and all the available porn and online stories.
Author tajimamori Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Sex on the first date isn't common. Sure, it can happen but it's hardly an expected outcome. And there are many adults who would not even consider doing it. Do not use this as your benchmark. There is no need to rush things. Have you held hands yet or hugged each other upon greeting or goodbyes? This would be a reasonable expectation at this point of your relationship. At this stage, a sign that she's not into you would be if she dodges non sexual physical touch with you. What's going on with your anxiety about sex? What concerns do you have? For the record, it's really common for younger men these days to get confused between reality and all the available porn and online stories. She touches me liberally in a non sexual manner. I am generally anxious about physical affection and I guess that sex would be like normal physical affection except for more extreme. I do not expect sex to similar to what is depicted in pornography I am afraid that I am unattractive and thus will not be able to induce real attraction
Mystique01 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 (edited) She touches me liberally in a non sexual manner. I am generally anxious about physical affection and I guess that sex would be like normal physical affection except for more extreme. I do not expect sex to similar to what is depicted in pornography I am afraid that I am unattractive and thus will not be able to induce real attraction Okay first of all, try to get out of THAT mindset, because that's definitely NOT attractive. I know men are different, but for women....a lot of times we can find a guy attractive simply because he ACTS like he's attractive. Call it confidence, self-assurance, "swagger", whatever.... Usually a man who's sure of himself and his assets, what he has to bring to the table is SOOOOO much more attractive than a man who is a shrinking violet and afraid that he's UNattractive. Secondly....No, sex on the first date is NOT common...not even among college age individuals. I know for me personally, sex is a VERY intimate act. I'm personally not going to be just spreading it open for anybody after the 3rd date. I can be WILDLY attracted to a guy, but still not feel ready for an act that intimate just yet. Also, it's very hard to get THAT intimate with someone when you haven't even kissed them yet...ummm..hello?? Go easy there buddy lol.... I say just relax, work on FEELING attractive to the opposite sex, and just enjoy her COMPANY. In time, as you two get to know each other better, the touch barrier will drop some, you two will feel more comfortable, and she'll feel more comfortable being more intimate with you. Maybe even work at trying to go for the kiss first before trying to go for sex. A lot of times for women we view sex as MORE than just a physical act. It's also an emotional one for us as well. Not all girls are willing to just give up their virginity or even just give up sex when they barely know the dude or know he will even stick around afterwards. I'm just being honest. I say just relax, stop worrying about when you'll get laid, and focus on your enjoyment with her. It sounds like you have a lot of worry. But I guarantee you that a girl can be GREATLY attracted to a guy and not even feel comfortable showing it right away....especially if she's more on the shy side. Trust me, if she continues to say "YES" to going on your dates, then she IS attracted to you. So, just relax, have fun, and let nature take its course. Edited November 9, 2015 by Mystique01 1
todreaminblue Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 hey taj.....i think the easiest way is to be open and honest with her and tell her your concerns....three dates though and you are worrying about sexual attraction.....and actually having sex....i dont think its really time to worry about that...be in the moment enjoy the time you spend together.....and let things between you progress naturally...even before talking to her about it yet ...give it some more time..personally and in my experiences with dating i dont go around touching men liberally if i am not interested or attracted in or to them......and even if i was attracted to them ...i show some restraint in public and private settings...what do you expect her to touch? to show sexual attraction.............deb
dragonfire13 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 It takes me a while to warm up to guys, esp if they're guys I met online. By date three though, I usually know if we have chemistry or not and by that point, some sort of physical sign would present itself, eg hand-holding. I'd give it one more date. Try and spend more than a couple of hours together. If you aren't getting any signs of physical attraction then you may need to move on. Don't feel bad though, you can't win 'em all and we've all been rejected at some point.
d0nnivain Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 While there are lots of people especially in college who have sex early on with or without monogamy & exclusivity, there are plenty of people who want both before sex even comes into the equation. At 19-20 in college she may be a virgin in which case you may have a long wait before sex. Before you go down that route, try for a goodnight kiss after the next date. See where that goes. Work up to a few healthy, fully clothed make out sessions, then try petting. See where all of that gets you. At bottom, however, my answer is your expectations are out of whack & unrealistic. 1
CarrieT Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 I thought that it would be sex on the first date as a universal rule for anyone over 18. Where did you learn this? We have gone on three dates so far (although only one was in a private location) That is a great start! On your *next* date, lean in for a kiss when an intimate moment presents itself. I would prefer to wait for a while Excellent. I am afraid that since we haven't had sex yet it is a sign that she isn't attracted to me and thus the relationship won't go anywhere You have only been on three dates. She would keep agreeing to dates if she weren't attracted to you in some fashion. 1
Author tajimamori Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 hey taj.....i think the easiest way is to be open and honest with her and tell her your concerns....three dates though and you are worrying about sexual attraction.....and actually having sex....i dont think its really time to worry about that...be in the moment enjoy the time you spend together.....and let things between you progress naturally...even before talking to her about it yet ...give it some more time..personally and in my experiences with dating i dont go around touching men liberally if i am not interested or attracted in or to them......and even if i was attracted to them ...i show some restraint in public and private settings...what do you expect her to touch? to show sexual attraction.............deb Would being open with her about my feelings turn her off 1
thecrucible Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Would being open with her about my feelings turn her off Well I wouldn't go telling her that you're worried about not being sexually attractive enough. I would just wing it if I were you. She is spending time with you so be confident that she digs you. 1
todreaminblue Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 (edited) Would being open with her about my feelings turn her off i dont feel so...honesty is an attractive quality for a guy to have..and so is openness...it may lead the way to her opening up to you...it normally does.....but i dont know her.....you do though...how do you feel she would react if you were open..what does your intuition say... also i would suggest that you dont say you worry about her being sexually attracted to you..it is jumping the gun......but ask her how she feels about you and if she is enjoying the time you spend together.........its more neutral......deb Edited November 11, 2015 by todreaminblue
Author tajimamori Posted November 11, 2015 Author Posted November 11, 2015 She just cancelled a date today claiming to be sick. What should I make of this development
d0nnivain Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Since it is cold & flu season, & practically everyone I know is sick, perhaps you should consider taking her at her word. Send her a get well card. 3
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