Sweet.girl2 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Last year, I met this guy who literally ticked all boxes and I thought he was truly amazing. We went on few dates and we both really liked each other but sadly couldn't pursue things further at the time due to busy work schedules and personal circumstances. He's nice, smart, handsome and I have never met a guy like him before. After a year, I decided to recently got in touch with him but found out he now has a girlfriend, whom he lives with. I assume things must be pretty serious. We have been texting each other a lot lately but only friendly level. I've now started to think about him all over again. I've always liked him and have never truly forgotten about him. I've been feeling really down lately knowing that I feel this way about him but he doesn't have a clue. I understand he's got a girlfriend and although my mind says no, my heart can't let go. Please don't judge me based on this, but I really can't get him out of mind and he is literally all I think about. Do I tell him how I feel? Please advise. Thank you!
d0nnivain Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 The heart wants what the heart wants. No one is faulting you for that. However, listen to your better angels & let your head make this decision. He lives with his GF. They are serious. Stop texting him. Just bow out & go off to find somebody else. Do not be a home wrecker. It will suck for a while because you can't have what you currently want but you will find another match. It's the right thing to do. Plus even if you could convince him to cheat on her with you, all you get a cheater. Who wants that? 1
xcupid Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 No, you don't tell him how you feel. You discontinue your communication with him and move on and find someone.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Last year, I met this guy who literally ticked all boxes and I thought he was truly amazing. We went on few dates and we both really liked each other but sadly couldn't pursue things further at the time due to busy work schedules and personal circumstances. He's nice, smart, handsome and I have never met a guy like him before. After a year, I decided to recently got in touch with him but found out he now has a girlfriend, whom he lives with. I assume things must be pretty serious. We have been texting each other a lot lately but only friendly level. I've now started to think about him all over again. I've always liked him and have never truly forgotten about him. I've been feeling really down lately knowing that I feel this way about him but he doesn't have a clue. I understand he's got a girlfriend and although my mind says no, my heart can't let go. Please don't judge me based on this, but I really can't get him out of mind and he is literally all I think about. Do I tell him how I feel? Please advise. Thank you! Stop communicating with him. If he likes you, he'll break up with her and come looking for you. Until then, you're both skating into risky territory. And no, I wouldn't tell him how you feel. I'm assuming he already knows based on the fact that you reached out to him. He isn't the right one for you or he'd make himself available to you. Continuing this will likely only hurt you.
Empyrea Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I don't even think you really have an option here.. he's just not available, there's nothing you can do. You could of course continue to stay friends with him, although I can't imagine his gf being too happy about that. Also, it might be too difficult for you to harbor these unrequited feelings for him. You could also just quietly pull away. Or, and this might be really stupid and I kind of advise against it, but this is something I might do myself (since I do stupid things sometimes) - which is, I would tell him that I'm sorry I don't think we should text/communicate/stay in touch any more, because I have feelings for you and I know that you are in a relationship and it just doesn't feel right. That way, I would get it off my chest (selfish!) and I would be reassured that even with that information he still chooses his girlfriend over me, therefore there really IS nothing that can be done. And maybe kind of a little inception moment there in case he breaks up with her in the near future.. But like I said, it would much more classy to just bow out. Deeefinitely don't tell him and expect anything in return, though.
Empyrea Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Stop communicating with him. If he likes you, he'll break up with her and come looking for you. Until then, you're both skating into risky territory. And no, I wouldn't tell him how you feel. I'm assuming he already knows based on the fact that you reached out to him. He isn't the right one for you or he'd make himself available to you. Continuing this will likely only hurt you. Ok, this is also a good point. If you think he already knows anyway then there's definitely no point in telling him. However, I don't agree that if he were interested he should immediately dump his gf, that's ridiculous. Like if you were with you bf and he met someone he kind of liked a little bit - he should dump you right off the bat to see if it might go somewhere? No. We all choose different paths in life and you kind of see one through before jumping on another one. Because that curiosity might just be that - curiosity. There's no guarantee it would work out or be better than the current relationship. So yes, he might see you as someone he would date if he weren't with his current gf, but again, that's moot. Timing means a lot. If he kind of has an inkling of how you feel and if he has had any of those thoughts himself, who knows, you might cross paths again one day. Or you'll meet some other Mr Right when the timing is right for you.
Zapbasket Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I use the phrase, "chicks before d*cks" as the female corollary to "bros before ho's." Super un-classy, both of them...but they convey the idea of the Golden Rule of dating: do unto others, etc. Meaning, don't be that girl that hovers around another girl's guy harboring a secret (or not-so-secret) interest. You know how women can pick up on these things and if you ever hang out in a group (which you certainly would do if you are "friends" with this guy), his girlfriend will be on to you in a heartbeat. As others have said, the only thing to do that has any integrity to it at all is to bow out, without explanation. You don't have to do it all at once; just fade out. Frankly, if he is texting you regularly knowing or sensing that you have feelings for him, then he's no catch, anyway: all he's doing in that case is enjoying the attention from you as an ego boost and not putting his all into his relationship with his girlfriend. If he has no clue about your feelings, then he is happily thinking you guys are pals while you are around on a subversive mission. Friends respect their friends' romantic relationships. I know it sucks, but as they say, timing is everything. Back off; things will be what they will be. 1
Author Sweet.girl2 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 (edited) I wish I knew a way to make him mine... But he's in a committed relationship. I know you will just think I'm a home wrecker but he's all that I really want. I don't want to give up on him but how do I even begin? What do I say to make him realise just how much I adore him. Is there anything I can do or say to make him mine... There's nothing that I want more than to have him.. please advise? Edited November 9, 2015 by Sweet.girl2
stillafool Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 You can't. He's where and with who he wants to be. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stop obsessing over someone you can't have. If you use to date him that was your chance to be together if there was one. Don't hurt yourself by holding on to a dream. 5
Httm Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 That's life. Move on. If you can't, then seek therapy. 5
neowulf Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I wish I knew a way to make him mine... But he's in a committed relationship. I know you will just think I'm a home wrecker but he's all that I really want. I don't want to give up on him but how do I even begin? What do I say to make him realise just how much I adore him. Is there anything I can do or say to make him mine... There's nothing that I want more than to have him.. please advise? You don't love him. Obsessed? Sure. Infatuated? Defininitly. But not love. Curious how I know? Because love isn't about you and what you want. Love is about caring what's good and right for someone else. He's in a committed relationship. If you really do love him, respect that and let him go. 6
xcupid Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 That's life. Move on. If you can't, then seek therapy. I second the motion. 1
kismetkismet Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Remove him from your life and move on. You WILL obviously get over him. People get over breaking up people that they love all the time, and these are people that actually have real relationships, lives, homes, plans for the future etc with the person they love. You will certainly be able to get over this, hanging onto it when he is with someone else is just immature and selfish. 2
Grapesofwrath Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Are the two of you actually involved? If you want him to know how much you adore him, then tell him.just straight up, share your feelings. One time. If he wants to be with you, too, he will make that happen. You don't make that happen, he does. 2
olivebranch Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 what if all of a sudden he dumped everything for you and wanted to be totally exclusive. then you'd have him and you. how long do you think you'd be happy "having it all?" would it be, ever after ?
burnt Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 You don't love him. Obsessed? Sure. Infatuated? Defininitly. But not love. Curious how I know? Because love isn't about you and what you want. Love is about caring what's good and right for someone else. He's in a committed relationship. If you really do love him, respect that and let him go. Love is precisely all about YOU and all that you want. You don't seek love for an altruistic cause, you seek it to cure loneliness and find happiness. The person you fall in love with has 'something', some undefined indescribable quality that you find beautiful and YOU feel this desire to be a part of that beauty and want to share that experience with that person--because that sharing makes YOU feel happy. You feel what you feel--you can't control what you feel--whether or not it's called love, obsession, or infatuation. Obsession IS love; infatuation IS love--just a different kind of love; these are unproductive, destructive, and pointless, but still a painful kind of love nonetheless. OP, you feel something 'STRONG' for this man; call it by whatever name you choose--but you cannot change the fact that your feelings will not be reciprocated by him. Your feelings are very much real--all you can do is acknowledge how you feel, but recognize also that it will remain unrequited, because you can't MAKE him feel what he doesn't feel. You can pursue him, get his attention, but not his affection. So, let him go--it's a painful option, but you don't have another option. 2
TexasMan68 Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Why would you want him to be yours? You'll be the one of the other end of this, wondering when he is going to cheat on you.
neowulf Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 Love is precisely all about YOU and all that you want. You don't seek love for an altruistic cause, you seek it to cure loneliness and find happiness. The person you fall in love with has 'something', some undefined indescribable quality that you find beautiful and YOU feel this desire to be a part of that beauty and want to share that experience with that person--because that sharing makes YOU feel happy. I just.. I can't even. You really believe that? That is perhaps the most selfish and narcissistic view of love I've seen here in a long time. If that's what you truly believe love to be... I feel sorry for you. 2
Popsicle Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I wish I knew a way to make him mine... But he's in a committed relationship. I know you will just think I'm a home wrecker but he's all that I really want. I don't want to give up on him but how do I even begin? What do I say to make him realise just how much I adore him. Is there anything I can do or say to make him mine... There's nothing that I want more than to have him.. please advise? It's not up to you, it's up to him. Let him make his decision and then you respect it. I wish you luck.
burnt Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 I just.. I can't even. You really believe that? That is perhaps the most selfish and narcissistic view of love I've seen here in a long time. If that's what you truly believe love to be... I feel sorry for you. I'm sorry to hear you felt sorry for me; surely you 'disagree with me', but if you think about it, you shouldn't actually feel sorry for someone for holding a view that's different from yours. A line I heard once: "I'm not wrong--I'm configured differently". Your and my views, however contradictory they may sound, can still coexist and complement each other. I think it's actually wonderful that we both view love as a beautiful concept, yet define it so differntly. When you hear something that sounds provocative, you can either dismiss it, or delve into it without judgement. Let me put it this way: bear with me here: cats & dogs; I have spent some time volunteering w/ animal rescue groups, but would only stick w/ cats; I'm drawn to the truly sad/abused cats and spent hours with the most depressed ones, because making them happy makes ME emotionally happy; watching them play gives me joy; yet, I can't ever volunteer to spend time w/ dogs. I LOVE cats, but I only care about dogs. It all comes down to the fact that being in the presence of cats makes ME feel joy and the idea of helping dogs only gives me intellectual and moral gratification--nothing more. I'm 35; I have been in love with ONE man, emotionally, physically, and intimately: all senses fulfilled at the same time. I was never able to figure out exactly what it was about him that I was drawn to, but all I could say was being in his presence, or even just hearing his voice made me feel 'complete' and 'connected'. I felt connected with myself and with the world; I felt: my mind at peace, my thoughts quieted, my emotions heightened. I had always been a rational robot; I could never accept anything without an explanation. Everything I did had to be justified by a rational purpose; then came him; he made a believer out of a skeptic/agnostic; he made a dreamer out of a machine. I questioned everything I had believed before and believed everything I had questioned before. I tortured myself the whole time, and still put his needs over mine every time, without an exception. When he ended it, I respected that (unwillingly and painfully). If the choice was mine to make, I'd choose him over anything and everything, but the choice wasn't mine to make; so I accepted. What I felt (and still do) is sacred and pure--NOT selfish and narcissistic, but it was based on MY need--I pine for him, because I experienced something beautiful through him. I love him because something about him made ME feel weak and strong at the same time--vulnerable and empowered at the same time, broken and complete at the same time. It awakened my inner SELF. At times I feel angry at him, but I still do love him and wish him well and I feel happy for him (and often worry if he's ok); I wonder why--I'm not 100% sure; maybe because he left behind an impenetrable imprint on ME. I guess what i'm thinking is: 'I loved him, and therefore I cared' NOT 'I cared, therfore I loved'. And making painful choices for him was a twisted form of subconscious self preservation?? So I dare ask the question: when you do something for another person 'out of love', is it 100% selfless, or is it that you do it because it makes YOU feel the joy of loving someone who makes you feel loved? And my question to you: think of when you made a painful sacrifice for someone you loved: was it absolutely 100% altruistic for the benefit of the other person, or was it the ONLY OPTION you had left to desperately keep that person's spirit in youself? As sad and disillusional as it may sound, I see myself down the road spending the rest of life in loneliness, but still can't committ to someone unless I feel that kind of viscerally deep emotion; it's not in me to be with someone just because he's kind and caring and is loving to me, but i MYSELF need feel that depth and intensity. So I say again: my view is: love is not self-centered (ie., selfish), but love is centered around the concept of self (ie, the kind of love you seek is based on how you define yourSELF), and love centers the self (ie, the love you seek makes yourSELF feel balanced and connected with everything else in your life). Ergo: love is all about YOU and yourSELF. Though I disagree with you, I choose not to dismiss your view. Perhaps you can too agree to disagree?? P.S. (I respect your right to hold wrong opinion!! --don't frown--that's a joke.) 2
neowulf Posted November 11, 2015 Posted November 11, 2015 So I dare ask the question: when you do something for another person 'out of love', is it 100% selfless, or is it that you do it because it makes YOU feel the joy of loving someone who makes you feel loved? And my question to you: think of when you made a painful sacrifice for someone you loved: was it absolutely 100% altruistic for the benefit of the other person, or was it the ONLY OPTION you had left to desperately keep that person's spirit in youself? Firstly, thank you for taking the time to better clarify your point of view. It is indeed interesting and worthy of consideration. As for your questions. I have loved when love was hard. I have chosen to accept less at times, because I knew it was better for the other person. I have made sacrifices and compromised. I have driven to a chemist late at night, after and exhausting day at work to get medication for my lover, who's fallen ill. I've gotten into arguments and fights, defending my loved ones. I've behaved in ways that caused me a great deal of personal discomfort and indeed sometimes pain. All because of the simple fact. This person I love is worthy of my pain, my sacrifice. While the choices are hard, after they're made, I know that deep down I've behaved lovingly and that brings me consolation. One of the best definitions of love I ever came across is this; Love is the act of treating another concerns, feelings, pains and wants with as much care, effort and consideration as you would your own. Love is an act of giving to another, without expectation. Love isn't about what I can *get* from another person. It's about what I can give them. I appreciate we're obviously very different people, but I fail to see how a "love" built on how the other person makes you feel can last the test of time. Because in the end, those feelings will fade. Only a deeper, enduring love seems to last a life time. This great love, why did it end if I may ask? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on it. 1
burnt Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I have loved when love was hard. I have chosen to accept less at times, because I knew it was better for the other person. I have made sacrifices and compromised. I have driven to a chemist late at night, after and exhausting day at work to get medication for my lover, who's fallen ill. I've gotten into arguments and fights, defending my loved ones. I've behaved in ways that caused me a great deal of personal discomfort and indeed sometimes pain. Forgive me, but again, no surprise, I'm interpreting your response differently! I don't see that "you loved when love was hard"; I see it as "you did hard things because you loved". Love wasn't hard--that you just felt; but you put yourself through all those things as a result of the love you felt for her. You didn't choose to love her (that was innate), you chose your actions. In other words, I see the sequence as: 'you FELT love for her (this was not your decision)' so, 'out of that love, a sense of care was born in you (this wasn't your decision either)' so, now finally you DECIDE to act to do hard things to meet that need of care. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm splitting hair, but I see a clear distinction between 'caring for someone you love' vs. 'choosing to care for someone because you value the idea of caring'. Imagine for a second you did all those things for an annoying moronic selfish neighbor, then I'd see that as 'I loved when love was hard', because in this case you won't have the desire from your heart to want to help, but you may choose to because you believe in being a caring person, even if the other person is NOT worthy of your care. What I'm saying is that you, you did NOT choose to care for your lover, you FELT the care and the concerns. (There's a book titled "Incognito"--worth a read--it has a very interesting piece on how we'd like to think that we actually are in control of so much of our own thoughts/actions, whereas in reality, so much of it gets processed without us having any access to the internal processing in our brain circuitry. You can only choose which buttons to press in your computer, but don't get to change the software code.) One of the best definitions of love I ever came across is this; Love is the act of treating another concerns, feelings, pains and wants with as much care, effort and consideration as you would your own. Love is an act of giving to another, without expectation. Love isn't about what I can *get* from another person. It's about what I can give them. Yes, I agree to this and I believe in it too; but I see it as the definition of agape love--a noble pursuit on which we build the foundation for everything we do and for how we interact with all other lives (not just people). In other words, this view of love is very generic form, and it can be applied to just about anything you love parents, friends, your employees, the bugs, the plants, the rivers--everything. But I was referring to the more specific eros love. So the agape love still applies to the special person you love, but the eros brings in something truly unique. I like the explanation "Eros love is the desire to possess beauty"--beauty itself, not the object (person) who holds the beauty, whereas "Agape love is the desire to possess good". I appreciate we're obviously very different people, but I fail to see how a "love" built on how the other person makes you feel can last the test of time. Because in the end, those feelings will fade. Only a deeper, enduring love seems to last a life time. Maybe you're right; perhaps my view of love doesn't last the test of time. So, yes my view of love could be fundamentally dysfunctional and doomed to fail; that's possible--who can tell? Maybe I'm seeing it all wrong right now--ask me again in ten years. But still I don't see the timing factor as a fandamental criteria for the kind of love I value. In other words, what I value is not based on wherether or not it will last, but based on whether or not I find it aesthetic and worthy, even if it doesn't last. At the risk of using bad analogy, One of my favorite quotes: "If you want to build a ship, don't drum up people to collect wood and don't assign them tasks, but teach them to long for the endless immensity of the ocean". Once you experience the love, the rest will be less relevant and will find a way to fall to the right places. I guess I see the 'how long it would last', 'how compatible the two people are'...etc. to be secondary and comparatively mandane: I'm not saying they are unimportant, I'm saying 'love itself is enough of a driving force and is a self contained beauty in itself'. All I can say is that in my case, I cared the whole time--the kind of care you are talking about. And I still do feel that care about him, even in his absence. This great love, why did it end if I may ask? I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on it. Ahh..the ten million dollar question. This was a 'great love' only for me, not for him. It ended because there was no good reason for it to start in the first place. I had no right to be in his life to begin with. It lasted for an incredibly brief period of time. It was not meant to be. And the feelings weren't mutual. My actions were wrong; I accept the lashing and the bashing I deserve. I accept my place. I accept where I belong now. It was all born in a rut, but it wasn't rotten. What I felt WAS real to me. The expressions were real and pure. (You would be rightly welcome to start your reply with another 'I just…I can't even…') !!
Author Sweet.girl2 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 Dear God, even if no one else knows you know.... Just how much I adore him, how much I want him, how much I love him, how much I want him to want me, how much I need him, how much I want him to love me, how much he's on my mind, how much I care about him, how much I think about him, how much I want him to be mine... These are the things that only you know! That I wish that he also knew
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