scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 From another thread: "The upshot of it is I would like to continue seeing him if he was interested in me as a girlfriend but if not would prefer not to have my time wasted and could use the time to find someone who is interested." If you enjoy the company of another person, how are you wasting your time by spending it with him? By your logic, when you get together with your girlfriends or family, you're still wasting time because that time could be spent looking for a boyfriend. This is something I've never understood but seems to be a popular notion. Is this a legitimate point she's making or do I need to read between the lines? Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch From another thread: "The upshot of it is I would like to continue seeing him if he was interested in me as a girlfriend but if not would prefer not to have my time wasted and could use the time to find someone who is interested." If you enjoy the company of another person, how are you wasting your time by spending it with him? By your logic, when you get together with your girlfriends or family, you're still wasting time because that time could be spent looking for a boyfriend. This is something I've never understood but seems to be a popular notion. Is this a legitimate point she's making or do I need to read between the lines? that's not true...if i am with family and girlfriends and i am dating someone, i look forward to leaving the guy at home so i can actually hang out. that's not time wasted at all. I wouldn't be searching for a boyfriend anyway, because i would think i pretty much had one, until the guy would tell me " i really had no interest in a relationship." that's the whole point of your post, but it doesn't make sense. the point is, why waste time getting interested in someone who has no intention of continuing to see you? i think you overanalyze girls in a very strange way. it's getting kind of scary. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch From another thread: "The upshot of it is I would like to continue seeing him if he was interested in me as a girlfriend but if not would prefer not to have my time wasted and could use the time to find someone who is interested." If you enjoy the company of another person, how are you wasting your time by spending it with him? By your logic, when you get together with your girlfriends or family, you're still wasting time because that time could be spent looking for a boyfriend. This is something I've never understood but seems to be a popular notion. Is this a legitimate point she's making or do I need to read between the lines? Your post is funny. Wasting time here means spending time with someone who doesn't see you as a girlfriend, investing emotions in a lost project. If she knew that this project was not leading anywhere, she would prefer to know it and look for the next more successful project. Her problem is that she is enjoying his company, but he's not enjoying hers enough to give her what she needs therefore it would be better to leave this guy and look for someone who could meet her needs completely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten the point is, why waste time getting interested in someone who has no intention of continuing to see you? This is all I was getting at. I've dated people where I didn't think it was going anywhere, but I was having fun in the moment becuase I enjoyed their company. I never felt like I was wasting my time. Hence, the notion that "it's not going anywhere; therefore, I am wasting my time" seems odd to me. Edit: Kooky addressed what I was wondering about well. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Hence, the notion that "it's not going anywhere; therefore, I am wasting my time" seems odd to me. i don't understand what you don't get about this. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten i don't understand what you don't get about this. Honestly, neither do I. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten i don't understand what you don't get about this. I don't get why a romantic relationship has to either be a potential long term relationship or a waste of time. I think there ought to be a middle ground. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch I don't get why a romantic relationship has to either be a potential long term relationship or a waste of time. I think there ought to be a middle ground. How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by kooky How old are you? 29. I've heard this rhetoric from women in their teens all the way up to their late 30s. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch I don't get why a romantic relationship has to either be a potential long term relationship or a waste of time. I think there ought to be a middle ground. if both people feel they are in a romantic relationship, that's fine. but what you're alluding to is the point that one of the people does not in fact feel romantically, but continues to date the same person with no intentions, for whatever reason. if there's no feelings coming from one side, that is not a romantic relationship by any means. so there is a difference. you're really asking a lot of questions that just can't be answered until you watch a specific event happen. it will be different with each situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten what you're alluding to is the point that one of the people does not in fact feel romantically, but continues to date the same person with no intentions, for whatever reason. if there's no feelings coming from one side, that is not a romantic relationship by any means. so there is a difference. Maybe that's the cause of my confusion. I can't conceive of a situation where I would date someone for whom I had no feelings. I was thinking more about a situation where one of the parties likes the other to a degree, but not enough to pursue something long-term (which happens, I'd say, over 50% of the time). Is it really a waste of time if both people enjoy their time together? Or, is the point that, for the person who does want something long term, enjoyment of that time spent is conditional upon the idea that the relationship can become long-term? Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 I'd like to dismiss your question as irrelevant.... What's so difficult about understanding the obvious? If you like someone and want more, it's hard to control your feelings and keep it at the same level as the other person does. I can only explain it that you never have been really in love and are also not of the jealous kind. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Maybe that's the cause of my confusion. I can't conceive of a situation where I would date someone for whom I had no feelings. I was thinking more about a situation where one of the parties likes the other to a degree, but not enough to pursue something long-term (which happens, I'd say, over 50% of the time). but BOTH situations you are describing indicate one-sided relationships, neither of which are romantic. so this is all pretty pointless. some people date to see if they have feelings for someone, not the other way around. if after dating a few times, it's not going anywhere, it's time to end it, not keep it going. ie; not waste time. this is practically the same as the last post you wrote. this post is giving me a headache now, i'm sorry. good luck, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten but BOTH situations you are describing indicate one-sided relationships, neither of which are romantic. so this is all pretty pointless. Huh? In order for a relationship to be "romantic," both people have to a) want the same thing and b) that thing has to be a potential LTR? I thought a romantic relationship was as simple as one where both people had some sembalance of romantic feelings for one another. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by scratch Huh? In order for a relationship to be "romantic," both people have to a) want the same thing and b) that thing has to be a potential LTR? I thought a romantic relationship was as simple as one where both people had some sembalance of romantic feelings for one another. YES! otherwise, isn't it just like hanging out with a friend if there's no romance to continue the relationship? yes, it is. you're making your own point, and you're just not seeing it. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 I start to doubt the seriousness of your post. If two people want the same thing, it's ok, but most people want to have a long-term relationship. If one person only wants something short-term, then despite the romantic feelings you have (or not have or whatever....) you are wasting the other person's time, because your goals are not the same. Do you get this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scratch Posted May 25, 2005 Author Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by SexKitten YES! otherwise, isn't it just like hanging out with a friend if there's no romance to continue the relationship? yes, it is. you're making your own point, and you're just not seeing it. Apparently I'm not seeing it. I think there are different levels of romantic feelings people can have for one another, from wanting a friend with benefits all the way up to wanting to get married. Although I concede that it's better if both people are on exactly the same page, I don't think that the relationship becomes a waste of time simply because they aren't. With regard to this last point, my suspicion is that most women don't agree with me. Now that I understand that this is indeed the case, my goal now is to find out why women feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 In my opinion, I had no interest in continuing to date until I was in my sixties. I wanted a lifetime relationship, not a pleasurable time at the park every other weekend. If someone is romantically interested in another person that does not reciprocate then the person interested needs to look elsewhere for this type of relationship. Continuing a friendship with this person is perfectly acceptable and time spent at the park now nurtures a friendship between both people. It's the focus that becomes a waste of time, not necessarily the time spent. If I'm focused on having a LT -romantic relationship with someone that is only focused on having a STR, then I'm wasting my focus. At that point, one has to determine if there is any other form of relationship that will fit with both parties - friends, casual dating, FWB. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky In my opinion, I had no interest in continuing to date until I was in my sixties. How old are you???? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by kooky How old are you???? I think Pocky meant she didn't want to date someone forever until she was in her 60's that she wasn't really interested in or they were not really interested in her... Pocky? LOL I think she's in her 30's? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by kooky How old are you???? 59! Originally posted by Merin I think Pocky meant she didn't want to date someone forever until she was in her 60's that she wasn't really interested in or they were not really interested in her... Pocky? LOL I think she's in her 30's? Yes and Yes. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky In my opinion, I had no interest in continuing to date until I was in my sixties. I wanted a lifetime relationship, not a pleasurable time at the park every other weekend. If someone is romantically interested in another person that does not reciprocate then the person interested needs to look elsewhere for this type of relationship. Continuing a friendship with this person is perfectly acceptable and time spent at the park now nurtures a friendship between both people. It's the focus that becomes a waste of time, not necessarily the time spent. If I'm focused on having a LT -romantic relationship with someone that is only focused on having a STR, then I'm wasting my focus. At that point, one has to determine if there is any other form of relationship that will fit with both parties - friends, casual dating, FWB. That's very well put. Hopefully the guys will get it now. Link to post Share on other sites
SexKitten Posted May 25, 2005 Share Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by crazy_grl Hopefully the guys will get it now. or at least just this one. i never thought this would be something that needed to be explained. Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted May 26, 2005 Share Posted May 26, 2005 I'm inclined to agree with Scratch on this. I think he's making more sense than most are giving him credit for... If you're looking for a long term relationship, and happen to meet a guy who's only interested in a short term relationship, what makes that a waste? If you two enjoy yourselves when on a date, what's the harm in dating for a short while? The guy isn't planning on sticking around, so it's not as if the guy is going to "waste" YEARS of your life in the first place. You get to meet someone new, have some good times, grow a little wiser, and a few months later, get back on the hunt for "Mr. Deathpartner" candidates. I don't see how it's a losing situation for anyone, really. There probably wouldn't even be any hard feelings if you went looking for a deathpartner while you and the other guy dated. It's not a serious relationship so he's not sticking around anyway. So as long as the cards are on the table, he probably wouldn't even care. So yeah...count me in for wondering why the whole "he doesn't want to wither and die with me" scenario is a bad thing. A good date is a good date in my book. But I suppose women tend to look at "the big picture", eh? (lot of good it does...) Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted May 26, 2005 Share Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by Grinning Maniac If you're looking for a long term relationship, and happen to meet a guy who's only interested in a short term relationship, what makes that a waste? If you two enjoy yourselves when on a date, what's the harm in dating for a short while? The guy isn't planning on sticking around, so it's not as if the guy is going to "waste" YEARS of your life in the first place. You get to meet someone new, have some good times, grow a little wiser, and a few months later, get back on the hunt for "Mr. Deathpartner" candidates. I don't see how it's a losing situation for anyone, really. There probably wouldn't even be any hard feelings if you went looking for a deathpartner while you and the other guy dated. It's not a serious relationship so he's not sticking around anyway. So as long as the cards are on the table, he probably wouldn't even care. If a guy puts all the cards on the table and says that he's not interested in a long term relationship, the time spent together wouldn't really be a waste, because the girl would know exactly what the situation is. She wouldn't be focused on the possibility of a long term relationship with him, and she could still keep looking for potential long term partners. However, that kind of thing complicates matters when/if she does find the right partner and is still in the short-term relationship. Instead of being able to have a clean start with the guy, she has shake off the baggage of that previous 'relationship' first. And what does she answer when a guy asks, "Do you have a boyfriend?" She could lie and just say "No." (and probably be found out later) Or tell the truth, which would be "Well, I have this short-term thing..." Many guys who might be great potential long-term boyfriends might be put off by that. Also, isn't that type of arrangement just a friendship or friends with benefits type of thing? I really don't get how someone can intentionally enter into a 'short term' relationship unless they know the person is going to move away or something. How do you keep the short term from going long term? Do you automatically break it off after a certain number of dates? It doesn't make any sense, and it just seems like FWB to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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