Boyfriend's POS friend

[Meow1234]

I've never been that girlfriend who doesn't get along with her bfs friends, I've always thought of myself able to get along with most people, until now. I've been dating my bf for a year, we've lived together for about 6 months (he moved in with me) and although he's a wonderful guy, he has a best friend that is flat out a bad person and I cannot stand him, and it's dragging mud through our relationship. I'm not terribly experienced in long term relationships so I don't know how to respond to this situation.

 

His friend, we'll call him John, has a 7 months pregnant girlfriend, that he cheats on ALL the time. He started coming over with different girls when he would visit, and if I said anything was given the "it's none of my business" response. Fair enough, so for awhile I just closed my eyes and ignored it. Until pregnant girlfriend got my phone number. She called me crying one day and asked if I had ever seen John at my house with another girl, and I mean I'm not really friends with either her or John, but I had a heartbreaking moment of putting myself in her shoes and how badly I would want to be told the truth. So I did, I told her.

 

I'm sure you can guess how that went, she flipped out, they broke up for 2 seconds, then got back together and he promised to never cheat on her again. But the cycle is just happening again, except this time it's very awkward with me and john. I told him he can do what he wants, but he's not allowed to bring any more girls in my house unless it's his pregnant gf. So now he comes over to visit alone but gives me the "silent treatment" or is passive aggressively rude to me, bc I'm the bitch that tattled on him and caused him relationship problems (in his perspective). Or he'll stop by for a min and have a girl with him but she waits in the car.

 

Meanwhile his pregnant gf is still texting me things like "John said he stayed at your house last night, is that true? " and I hate lying so I want to say "no he didn't", but I also don't want to cause my life any more grief for someone else's bad decision. Still though if it were me in her shoes I would be so upset if someone didn't tell me the truth! What should I do? I've tried talking to my bf about it but he tends to side with his friend and says "well even though I don't agree with what he does either, you're the one that told her in the first place and started this drama so you should have just stayed out of it" and I'm like no your friend John started it bc he's a piece of **** that cheats on his pregnant gf. I don't even like the thought of my bf hanging out with someone like that but they've been bffs since they were kids so he's not going anywhere anytime soon. My bf assures me repeatedly that he's not like john and even though they're friends they are very different in many ways, not cheating on your gf being one of them. And they are very different my bf is way more responsible and has his stuff more together than john, and I've had close friends before whose decisions i did not condone but still was their friend, so i believe him. Sigh.

[Httm]

Pick a higher quality boyfriend.

[VeveCakes]

John is an idiot to keep bringing girls back. I would just keep the gf eventually he will realize it's a bad idea to act this way in your presence and stop doing it.

[d0nnivain]

Sit John down in front of BF. Tell him you won't lie for him. Explain that if he tells his baby mama that he's at your house he better be there because you will tell the GF the truth. If you BF picks his lying POS friend over you, well you haven't lost much now have you?

 

Next time GF calls though tell her to lose your phone #. She already knows the baby daddy is a lying POS so you no longer want to be in the middle of her drama.

[xUnknown]

I would the girl again..."Your boyfriend is a cheater and he won't stop. Don't ask me about your boyfriend, I can't get in the middle of things anymore. If your getting the feeling to double check on his story and your gut says different than his story - then he probably lied about it. "

[smackie9]

You need to put your foot down with your BF. Remember this is YOUR flat, and you live there too, so you should have a say whether his friend is allowed to be there or not. Secondly, I would question your BF's integrity. As they say you are the company your keep.

[JasmineJones]

You have to question why your BF would have a friend of this calibre

[Meow1234]

Hell yeah guys thank you, that is all good advice. I'm going to message the pregnant gf and say although I don't regret telling her the truth the first time, and although I won't let john over with any girls, I'm not going to respond to her calls and texts anymore. We aren't friends and I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but I can't get in the middle and you already know how john is so if you question him you'll have to find the answer out some other way.

 

I'm such a nice non conflict person that sounds so cold for me to say, bc i do feel sorry for her, but I think it's fair and at least I didn't lie to her. And absolutely I am concerned about my bf keeping this company. Since it's my place that he moved into part of me wants to forbid john from even coming over. But then I'd look like the gf that made her bf lose his childhood best friend. I'd rather my bf man the hell up and tell john himself. It bothers me that my bf doesn't seem all that concerned. I'm going to continue to talk to him and really have to watch his behavior too.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hell yeah guys thank you, that is all good advice. I'm going to message the pregnant gf and say although I don't regret telling her the truth the first time, and although I won't let john over with any girls, I'm not going to respond to her calls and texts anymore. We aren't friends and I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but I can't get in the middle and you already know how john is so if you question him you'll have to find the answer out some other way.

 

I'm such a nice non conflict person that sounds so cold for me to say, bc i do feel sorry for her, but I think it's fair and at least I didn't lie to her. And absolutely I am concerned about my bf keeping this company. Since it's my place that he moved into part of me wants to forbid john from even coming over. But then I'd look like the gf that made her bf lose his childhood best friend. I'd rather my bf man the hell up and tell john himself. It bothers me that my bf doesn't seem all that concerned. I'm going to continue to talk to him and really have to watch his behavior too.

 

Wtf is this guy doing bringing girls over to your place anyhow?

 

Wtf?

 

If john was all bitchy to me I would solidly kick his ass out the door.

 

And yes it is JOHN taking a crap in his own bed.

 

I would tell JOHN that in NO WAY will you EVER COVER or stay silent about his moronic behaviour.

 

And I would tell your boyfriend the same thing because you believe in INTEGRITY and if JOHN want to take a crap IN YOUR FLAT then he GETS WHAT HE GETS FOR IT.

 

Your boyfriend needs to seriously smarten up. As if he let's douchebag friends take a crap in your suite and say "although I don't agree with this, its your fault for being upset about it."

 

Both of them are losers and you can bet JOHN encourages this shyte on the side and would cover for your bf.

 

I'd dump the lot.

 

They can crap wherever else they want to.

 

No way would I tell a new Mom that you can't tell her the truth about her exposure to God-knows-what from this assw asswipe.

[FeelingFireworks]

What a horrible position to be put in.

 

I know this will polarise a lot of people but I do agree with your boyfriend that it really is not your place to intervene in John's affairs directly , especially given that you are not a part of their relationship (I.e. You're not a friend, relative or involved party). I don't condone his behaviour, but you only see one side: the cheating side. Maybe there's more to it you don't know and you are unlikely to be privy to all details of his situation. Theirs is a situation that they need to work on themselves. After all, preggo gf KNOWS he is a cheat (likely did before you confirmed it) and has it changed anything? Nope. Your interference isn't going to change anything, but it will create rifts between all parties. It'll make you look a busybody. Plus even if you & preggo gf become matey over this, how do you even know when they kiss and make up they aren't bitching about you/trying to make you a scapegoat? It happens more than you think. Just steer clear. It's a toxic situation at best.

 

 

What I do agree with is setting boundaries in your home. Keeping those other girls out is a wise decision especially if having them there makes you feel as though you condone behaviour that is abhorrent to you. John might hate that but it's your home, not his. You can't help the passive aggressive thing, but he's not your problem, he's the gf's problem.

 

If I was in your situation what I might do is:

Ask preggo gf to please not involve you - that she already knows what's up and needs to work on it with John. It's not your business. Sounds callous but it's the truth. Because until she does that, this ain't gonna stop.

Perhaps address your concerns with Bf. Maybe he's not like John or agrees with what he does, but if you feel the situation is exerting some (possibly) negative Influence on things between you guys perhaps just have a non-judgmental talk about it so you make sure it doesn't compromise things between the two of you.

[stillafool]

I think I would politely tell the pregnant gf that I'm sorry for her but I cannot get involved in her personal business and to direct those questions to John.

[dreamingoftigers]

What a horrible position to be put in.

 

I know this will polarise a lot of people but I do agree with your boyfriend that it really is not your place to intervene in John's affairs directly , especially given that you are not a part of their relationship (I.e. You're not a friend, relative or involved party). I don't condone his behaviour, but you only see one side: the cheating side. Maybe there's more to it you don't know and you are unlikely to be privy to all details of his situation. Theirs is a situation that they need to work on themselves. After all, preggo gf KNOWS he is a cheat (likely did before you confirmed it) and has it changed anything? Nope. Your interference isn't going to change anything, but it will create rifts between all parties. It'll make you look a busybody. Plus even if you & preggo gf become matey over this, how do you even know when they kiss and make up they aren't bitching about you/trying to make you a scapegoat? It happens more than you think. Just steer clear. It's a toxic situation at best.

 

 

What I do agree with is setting boundaries in your home. Keeping those other girls out is a wise decision especially if having them there makes you feel as though you condone behaviour that is abhorrent to you. John might hate that but it's your home, not his. You can't help the passive aggressive thing, but he's not your problem, he's the gf's problem.

 

If I was in your situation what I might do is:

Ask preggo gf to please not involve you - that she already knows what's up and needs to work on it with John. It's not your business. Sounds callous but it's the truth. Because until she does that, this ain't gonna stop.

Perhaps address your concerns with Bf. Maybe he's not like John or agrees with what he does, but if you feel the situation is exerting some (possibly) negative Influence on things between you guys perhaps just have a non-judgmental talk about it so you make sure it doesn't compromise things between the two of you.

 

Yes OP.

 

There could very well be a very noble reason that John brings SL*ts to your place to cheat on his gf.

 

And if you aren't a friend or family member don't report a car accident where blood and guts are lying on the road because "they might not file an insurance claim anyway and you don't want those people to think you are a busybody."

 

No one gets to know the truth with cheaters except via confirmation. Because cheaters don't offer the truth.

 

Getting cheated on while pregnant is THE WORST and its terrible that one woman would sit back and act cool with it while it was being inflicted on another.

 

You aren't interfering with John's affairs.

He's interfering in YOURS. He's interfering in your home, outright disrespecting you and his gf there and your bf condones that. He drags you and your bf into his lies.

I would NEVER tolerate that shyte.

 

I can only imagine what lies he told her about the girls he brought over. I wonder how crazy he made you seem. What a prick.

[SwordofFlame]

I think it's a red flag that your boyfriend is still friends with him. You are who you associate with.

[Meow1234]

I sent her the text, haven't heard anything back yet.

 

And I do agree with the statement that if I continue to tell gf it will only come back to me as a scapegoat when they inevitably break and then make up. I feel torn between the way I was raised to keep your head down and don't mind anyone's business except your own, vs speak up for what's right. I have never encountered someone so blatantly immoral in this way, it's disgusting.

 

When he first brought girls over, it wasn't immediately obvious that he was cheating on his gf. But I saw a bf bringing over hot girls that were not his preg gf into my house and I sensed this undercurrent of something is not ok here. They wouldn't be physical and if I asked leading questions they'd say something like "oh no she's just a friend" like I'm stupid. Then after awhile I guess they got too comfortable and would be obvious about their intentions assuming I didn't care. When I voiced that I did care that's when I got the "stay out of it" response.

 

As I said before as of now ive only gone as far as forbidding john from bringing girls over. I don't yet want to do anything more drastic like ban john from the house, until I see how this plays out a little longer. If I do that then bf will have to leave to go hang out with him, and that puts john in the perfect spot to say see how your gf is come on let's go cheat on those women. And I'll have to trust my bf to do the right thing which i would but I still don't want to push him into that situation.

 

So then I could try to forbid my bf from hanging out with John at all but very much doubt that will have a positive outcome as in my experience giving relationships ultimatums isn't a good idea, even if my bf chooses me he will resent me for it. At the end of the day I'm saying to myself "MY boyfriend hasn't yet done anything wrong, so how much should I punish him for the actions of his friend?"

 

So I will wait I guess, continue to talk to my boyfriend from a kind angle and hope I can persuade him to make the choice for himself to stop hanging out with John altogether. We need to go out more and try to meet new people so he can have good friends.

 

I'm so glad I posted on here was dying to vent and get some fresh perspectives.

Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm such a nice non conflict person that sounds so cold for me to say, bc i do feel sorry for her, but I think it's fair and at least I didn't lie to her. And absolutely I am concerned about my bf keeping this company. Since it's my place that he moved into part of me wants to forbid john from even coming over. But then I'd look like the gf that made her bf lose his childhood best friend. I'd rather my bf man the hell up and tell john himself. It bothers me that my bf doesn't seem all that concerned. I'm going to continue to talk to him and really have to watch his behavior too.

The complete and total DISRESPECT shown to you by your so-called boyfriend and his dirt-bag buddy is unacceptable.

 

Who the hell is your boyfriend to act with such utter disrespect towards you and your home? HE moved into your place and like it or not, that doesn't give him the right to think he owns the place. What an arrogant jack-ass.

 

It's a crying shame you ARE so passive and non-confrontational because all it's doing is getting you disrespected.

 

I'd be telling Romeo if he doesn't like the rules, he can move the hell back out.

[kgcolonel]

Hell yeah guys thank you, that is all good advice. I'm going to message the pregnant gf and say although I don't regret telling her the truth the first time, and although I won't let john over with any girls, I'm not going to respond to her calls and texts anymore. We aren't friends and I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but I can't get in the middle and you already know how john is so if you question him you'll have to find the answer out some other way.

 

I'm such a nice non conflict person that sounds so cold for me to say, bc i do feel sorry for her, but I think it's fair and at least I didn't lie to her. And absolutely I am concerned about my bf keeping this company. Since it's my place that he moved into part of me wants to forbid john from even coming over. But then I'd look like the gf that made her bf lose his childhood best friend. I'd rather my bf man the hell up and tell john himself. It bothers me that my bf doesn't seem all that concerned. I'm going to continue to talk to him and really have to watch his behavior too.

 

 

You're waiting for your BF to "man the hell up"???? What about you? You are tolerating something in YOUR HOUSE that is against your morals.....don't YOU want to know where your BF stands on cheating and better still, cheating on the mother of his child???? REALLY??

 

This is on you, your BF is likely to stand with his BF AND that will tell you a lot about your BF...is this who you want as a LTR???

 

You can do better!!

[Lois_Griffin]

When I voiced that I did care that's when I got the "stay out of it" response.

And it would have been precisely THAT exact moment I would have thrown your arrogant boyfriend right out on his ass.

[d0nnivain]

You can't "forbid" your BF from being friends with someone. You are his GF not his mom. The most you can do is say you think John is of low character & you will no longer have him in your home or be in his presence. You also wish your BF would eliminate John from his life but you can't force the end of that friendship, nor should you try. Your BF's behavior in the face of that announcement will give you great insight into your importance to your BF; use that info wisely.

[FeelingFireworks]

Yes OP.

 

There could very well be a very noble reason that John brings SL*ts to your place to cheat on his gf.

 

And if you aren't a friend or family member don't report a car accident where blood and guts are lying on the road because "they might not file an insurance claim anyway and you don't want those people to think you are a busybody."

 

No one gets to know the truth with cheaters except via confirmation. Because cheaters don't offer the truth.

 

Getting cheated on while pregnant is THE WORST and its terrible that one woman would sit back and act cool with it while it was being inflicted on another.

 

You aren't interfering with John's affairs.

He's interfering in YOURS. He's interfering in your home, outright disrespecting you and his gf there and your bf condones that. He drags you and your bf into his lies.

I would NEVER tolerate that shyte.

 

I can only imagine what lies he told her about the girls he brought over. I wonder how crazy he made you seem. What a prick.

 

 

The sarcastic tone didn't go over my head.

 

You cannot compare a car accident to an affair. A car accident is just that - an ACCIDENT. it's not intentional , nor is is personal. There is a sense of public duty to report an accident where a life can be saved. The same cannot be said of an affair especially when she's not *involved*. Might sting to hear that but it's true.

 

Plus, who condones bringing other women to the house? No one has said that. We can all agree it's her house and she can allow in who she sees fit. But to directly interfere into the affair especially when she's not even friends with either of them....not really her business.

 

Yes, being cheated on is the terrible - whether your preggo, married, engaged, gay, straight, whatever. But here's what you didn't read: preggo gf knows and STILL is with the man. So did her interference help? Not one jot. Does that mean affairs should be condoned? No. It just means that they really are Something for the couple to work on - a 3rd party is not really going to help UNLESS that's what the couple involved WANT and that 3rd party agrees.

 

I understand it's a polarising subject and I can respectfully agree to disagree with people but it does help when they actually read I have written.

[Meow1234]

Wow I didn't expect such strong responses against my bf. Do you guys really think it's worth throwing away the year we have over this? I mean he hasn't cheated on me, hit me, none of the cardinal "rules" have been broken. But again this is my first serious relationship so I don't know.

[kismetkismet]

How old are you two? It doesn't speak well of your boyfriend that he would keep someone of such low character around, but the fact that they have been friends all their lives may explain part of it... The fact that he actually brings the other girls to YOUR home is totally unacceptable. You didn't meddle at all, all you did was tell the truth. it is not your job to protect your boyfriend's scumbag POS friend (because he absolutely is a scumbag, as scumbaggy as they get). I would tell both of them that you refuse to lie for him and his accept his behaviour. Don't necessarily go out of your way to contact her, but it's not your job to lie. I would also tell the girl next time she calls that you feel uncomfortable with her asking. Be kind and tell her that you simply don't want to get in the middle of things and that it's causing strain in your relationship. His behaviour is not going to change EVER and the fact that you would be unwilling to reassure her may help her to realize that.... How often do you have to deal with that friend?

[Meow1234]

I'm 24 and my bf and john are 23. I don't have any kids. I've had boyfriends before but never actually lived with someone. Id say john comes around 1-2 times a week. Usually it's whenever I come home from work I'll see his car at my place and cringe. My bf works nights so he's home during the day whereas I work a normal 8-5 job. Lately with all the fuss I've had with my bf about him it's gotten to where my bf will text me and ask if it's ok if he comes over for a few hours. I've said ok most days with the condition that there's no girls and bc he asked me first. A few times I've said not today, and he's complied.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Didn't read all posts.

 

 

Simple. Ban John from spending the night over. Text John's girlfriend that John is never allowed to spend the night over no matter what & if he visits, he's not allowed to have any girls over with him except you. Tell her that you're not going to facilitate John's cheating, but you're not going to be in the middle of their stupid drama either. Advise her to go online for some relationship advice.

 

 

Have a chat with your boyfriend. He needs to understand that it's not cool for him to allow his friend to disrespect his girlfriend. A decent guy would get pissed at a friend that was causing issues with his girl.

[kismetkismet]

That's good that he respects those things.. It's definitely not a great situation and not awesome that your boyfriend seems to have protected him in a few situations.. but I guess the fact that they have been friends their whole lives has possibly normalized his behaviour in your boyfriend's mind. Unfortunately that's also potentially problematic because you don't exactly want your boyfriend thinking that cheating is ok and normal.

 

I have one female friend that tends to cheat on her boyfriends and we've been friends since we were really young. In our early 20s i kind of just ignored it and was never put in a position where I had to lie about it, but she definitely knew i disapproved. I became more vocal about it as we got older and I think now she just doesn't tell me when things like that are going on.. We're not that close anymore either, because honestly someone that repeatedly disrespects and betrays someone that they are supposed to love that frequently and without remorse... is definitely going to have other serious moral and relationship failings as well. She was not a good friend or person over all to be frank. But, like i said.. we'd been friends our whole lives so it took me a long time to limit her presence in my life.

 

Anyway.. just giving some perspective from the friend-of-the-cheater point of view. Possibly your boyfriend will come to realize that his friend is being a shady, cruel individual. Put your foot down, say that you will absolutely not lie for him, and that he needs to show you respect in your home.. if he doesnt, or if he gets angry at you for not lying, or if he brings girls to your home then tell him he's not welcome at all.

[Httm]

There is a direct correlation between the quality of one's friends and one's own quality.