I do this in friendships...

[SerCay]

I get too nice.

I accept everything.

Most of my friends are reasonable people, and don't take advantage.

 

Though from time to time, 1 of them does something that really shakes me up.

Small thing maybe, yes, but incredibly selfish to me.

 

So I have this friend, I am rally quite close with her, daily phone calls etc.

Now I'm goin to put a distance between us because I cannot stand her behaviour, these are examples:

 

Last Wednesday we were to meet. Another friend of her (who is also friends with her ex and always brings along details about his life, which my friend craves), also wanted to meet her, but only asked her days after her and I had set up a date. She planned a time and place with this girl, and told me: you come there at that time too! So I said, no I'm sorry I don't feel like going there and meeting that girl. Then she threw it on my soft side saying: Ohh....ok, then I will cancel my meeting with her.

 

So this kind of thing really makes me cringe. Because it's done on purpose. But it's ok, all of s do ****ty things from time to time right?

 

Then for yesterday I BOUGHT 2 movie tickets. We discussed the time and date again days ago. The day before yesterday we hung out together and we spoke of the movies and how we were gonna go. Then yesterday SHE called ME. We were chit chatting and then I said, ok so what time should we meet for the film. This is her response: Oh..there was that. Well my sister asked me to go here and there with her so can you not try and get a refund? Or put it on Wednesday, yeah let's go Wednesday..If you can't get a refund, we will go, I will find a way, she said.

 

I didn't know what to say...I just said ok I'm gonna hang up and see if I can get a refund. Later I texted her that I couldn't get a refund but that I didn't feel like going anymore and that I had a deadline for work coming up as well (which was true).

 

Honestly, I don't know how and when I gave her the impression that I'm her mother or easy at hand friend, but obviously I did so. This has happened to me before and I know it's because I don't set boundaries.

 

I still find boundaries hard.

 

You guys have any tips?

[SpiralOut]

I find boundaries hard to set too, so I can relate. I find it helpful to ask myself: what matters more, being liked or being respected?

 

 

It sounds like you know what you need to do to. For this friend of yours I would not pay for anything in advance anymore as she sounds unreliable. And if she suggests an alternate date like "let's go Wednesday instead" say that you're busy with something else. Don't make it too easy for her to reschedule things with you. Eventually she will either a) stop cancelling plans on you so often or b) fade away.

[Survivor12]

In each of your examples, your friend gave you the opportunity to speak up but you chose to be passive.

 

In the first example, all you needed to say was "Okay, thanks!" after she agreed to cancel with her other friend. In the second, you chose to cancel plans to see the movie, not her.

 

So why are you blaming your friend for taking advantage of your "kindness" (which isn't really kindness at all since you are feeling resentment) rather than standing your ground? Why distance yourself instead of saying how you feel? Is your friend a mind-reader?

 

It's been said many times--We teach others how to treat us. Stop rejecting your friend's offers to keep your plans & she will learn to stop suggesting changes.

[basil67]

Honestly? I don't think these are as bad as you make out

 

Asking someone else to lunch with you is hardly a crime. Yes, it may be disappointing, but given how close the two of you are - I'm sure there would be plenty of other times to catch up with just the two of you.

 

The movie thing was a little different. But instead getting mad, it's just so much easier to accept that she's a bit flaky, explain that you couldn't get a refund and have her rearrange her schedule back to the original plan.

 

Don't make mountains out of molehills