katiegrl Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I initially had written "fake lovebombing" but changed it as I don't think any lovebombing is really real, but I get your point. I think "lovebombing" is real.... it's the "love" part that's NOT real. Is that what you mean?
joseb Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I think "lovebombing" is real.... it's the "love" part that's NOT real. Is that what you mean? Well I'm kinda in too minds - they either are unaware of what love really is, and mistake infatuation with love, or they deliberately manipulate people with fake love. 2
katiegrl Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 (edited) Well I'm kinda in too minds - they either are unaware of what love really is, and mistake infatuation with love, or they deliberately manipulate people with fake love. I think in THIS case it's the latter, because even if he were just infatuated... why would he go back on line searching for other women? He would want to focus only on the OP...as that's what people do when infatuated. They have no interest in meeting or pursuing others...at least while in throes of infatuation. Edited November 12, 2015 by katiegrl 1
truth_seeker Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 The only thing that made me pause a bit on the date was him saying maybe he will spend Christmas with me and my family. I just thought it was one of those if we are still dating things. The only other thing is if I don't reply to texts after maybe 20 mins, he will text again like "hello" atlough he doesn't blow my phone up or anything, its just something I have noticed. HOLY SH-T! This part made me howl! I feel like this guy is Christopher Walken playing some weirdo in an SNL skit. Aside from that, which is still making me laugh, he sounds like a player/sociopath. If a woman said that to me, no matter how good looking she is, I would get a bad feeling and lose interest ASAP. That's just a bizarre thing to say to someone you barely know unless he was a jackass messing with you.
Buddhist Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 But then after saying this, he goes back on, not just to browse, but to actually meet and pusue other women? He went back online because he was messaged. You get email notifications about pending messages on most sites, dating ones or not. It could have been if he was left alone he may have in time removed his profile. Shame on him for not doing it the instant he gets back from a first date. I think this thread is full of heated over-reactions. Sure enough if the OP feels that somethings up, go ahead and trust that instinct. But at the end of the day his actions really speak of a 26yr old doing what 26yrs old generally do. They exaggerate, they tell girls they like things they want to hear because they want to make a good impression and think that's the way to do it. They make mistakes and sure, if they've been on one date with one girl they like, they might reply to another girl as well. It's pretty normal especially considering that men do not get much attention on dating sites, so to receive a message is a pretty rare thing for them. I don't blame him for following it up at all. Now the OP wasn't inclined to believe this declarations of love, she was smart enough to realise he's probably talking out his butt at this stage. Gee whiz I've never heard of a guy talking out of his butt before. So why she is disappointed that he didn't instantly declare undying love for her to an internet random and expected this guy to be fully invested in her after one date, speaks of unrealistic expectations on her behalf. To be honest, his reply to her friend doesn't scream player, love bombing manipulative arse to me. He told her he was seeing someone, what player does that? But if he'd said....oh no I'm free, lets have a chat, why don't you come out on a date with me etc....I'd have a different opinion. This guy is not doing that, he's acting like a young guy. Love bombing is entirely different, if he was going to do that it would be more than a hey, maybe we'll spend the holidays together and goodnight sweet heart. Love bombers know how to properly romance, they turn it on full volume, flowers, sweet sentiments, real dating, the works. I've been love bombed before and they don't typically come off this clumsy. This guy is inexperienced and now freaking out because a girl he liked played a game on him and now he's in panic mode realising that he might not make another connection anytime soon. He's overcompensating. I don't think the OP should go and spend a couple of days with him. I don't think she should even pursue him any further. I think there's enough insecurity in her posts to indicate that possibly working on her own inner turmoil is the best thing to do right now. This guy has shown up and sent her into emotional disarray and second guessing. That's a sign that there's internal work to do. She's not ready for dating right now. Guys make mistakes and can come off the wrong way, even the best ones. If we are going to instantly jump on the narcissist psycho bandwagon every time a guy slips up we'd never date. Good lord, even my current partner came off as too eager and a bit silly the first time we met. He was over the top friendly and really trying too hard. But that's people for you when they are in the presence of someone they like. My experience of narcissistic arses is that they aren't overwhelmed by people they like, they are entirely too cool for school and know how to push the right buttons in a very calculated way. This guy hasn't got that. But as I said I don't think the OP should be in contact with him at all. She's got enough going on within herself. You don't try and fish for trouble after a first date unless you've completely lost faith in the opposite sex and if that's the case, then you're not in a ready state to be meeting someone. Better to work on that first. 2
joseb Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 But as I said I don't think the OP should be in contact with him at all. She's got enough going on within herself. You don't try and fish for trouble after a first date unless you've completely lost faith in the opposite sex and if that's the case, then you're not in a ready state to be meeting someone. Better to work on that first. It's good to have a bit of balance in the responses. Maybe we were a bit overzealous in calling him a player. But I don't see how you are saying the OP is wrong to see something off in this guy. He's 26, not 16, which is about the last time (actually probably more like 13) that I told a girl I Loved Her after 1 date. Regardless of what way you spin it, a 26 yo guy saying he loves you after one date is a big red flag, and I don't think the OP was wrong in seeing it as one. 1
katiegrl Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I still think this guy sounds off. I mean, let's assume his interaction with the OP's friend *was* innocent, and not deception, after finding out the OP and her friend planned the whole thing as a trick, wouldn't the natural reaction be anger? Most men would be furious after discovering they were tricked in this manner! Especially if it *was* an innocent interaction and he had nothing to hide. But he wasn't angry at all ...in fact to the contrary he proceeded to blow up the OP's phone, apologizing, promising to never do it again ....this indicates he feels guilty .... but if it was an innocent interaction, why would he feel guilty? He feels guilty because he *was* in fact deceiving the OP, misleading her .... and the OP would be very foolish to ignore this ..no matter how young he is!
Buddhist Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 It's good to have a bit of balance in the responses. Maybe we were a bit overzealous in calling him a player. But I don't see how you are saying the OP is wrong to see something off in this guy. He's 26, not 16, which is about the last time (actually probably more like 13) that I told a girl I Loved Her after 1 date. Regardless of what way you spin it, a 26 yo guy saying he loves you after one date is a big red flag, and I don't think the OP was wrong in seeing it as one. I didn't say the OP was wrong in seeing that. I said this thread is filled with over-reactions in which the OP is not the main culprit. Its one thing to say...well this feels off and I'm going to bow out and another to declare he's a manipulative narcissistic psycho. Its just too extreme given the behaviour. I never said this guy was a catch, but at the same time I don't see enough skill to actually qualify as a career manipulator either. I personally think he's needy and clumsy, probably in need of a good therapy session or two. I could equally apply that label to many people here and elsewhere. I don't think it was a good idea for the OP to do what she did, if she wasn't sure she should have just declined the next date. The trouble with fishing for trouble is that you'll almost always find it. All you do is fulfill your own expectations. If you have doubts, it's better to trust yourself and act from a position of self trust. That builds confidence. All this has done is upset the OP and sent her off filled with confusion and now a phone full of reactionary texts as well. If she hadn't done that and just sat back and observed she would have come to the right conclusion. As it stands now she's going to have to battle a tonne of conflicting messages and him arguing with her. And yes I do think the OP would probably be better served working on her own stuff rather than dating at this stage. When you've got unresolved issues you're not going to meet great matches, you're going to meet people who match your issues. She's declared that she has a history of meeting abusers and unstable types. There is a reason for that, those people don't generally target secure and self aware people. 6
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 I think this thread is full of heated over-reactions. Sure enough if the OP feels that somethings up, go ahead and trust that instinct. I think this thread is full of women that have experienced this before and know best. 4
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2015 Posted November 12, 2015 And I think OP's absence from this thread since he 'calmed her down' indicates she is now spending a few days with him as he offered. I don't give this one month. She'll come back enchanted after a weekend of sex than she'll start noticing he's still online, he calls less, he delays replying to her text, he doesn't mention xmas plans. SO typical - been there done that a 100 times *sigh* 1
mammasita Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I think this thread is full of women that have experienced this before and know best. Absolutely. Count me as one that has been there, experienced it, learned the lesson and lived to tell the tale . 1
Author Confusedovo Posted November 22, 2015 Author Posted November 22, 2015 So.....i did give him another chance. I did spend a few days with him. Then he tells me he's legally married and is illegally in the country. He had an arranged marriage a couple of years ago. Apparently they both knew it was "Just business" and his visa application was denied as she wasn't working. He says she then ran away and he's not spoken to her since! I ended it with him a couple of days ago. I said I cant be stuck in that kind of situation. He told me hr will always love me. Then said if we had a baby together they couldn't take him away from me... yeah...been no contact since.
Author Confusedovo Posted November 23, 2015 Author Posted November 23, 2015 Also He lied about his age on his profile. He's 24 not 26 " but that's nothing compared to the rest. Don't even know what's real with him...wtf. Showed some little controlling signs when we were together too.
joseb Posted November 23, 2015 Posted November 23, 2015 So.....i did give him another chance. I did spend a few days with him. Then he tells me he's legally married and is illegally in the country. He had an arranged marriage a couple of years ago. Apparently they both knew it was "Just business" and his visa application was denied as she wasn't working. He says she then ran away and he's not spoken to her since! I ended it with him a couple of days ago. I said I cant be stuck in that kind of situation. He told me hr will always love me. Then said if we had a baby together they couldn't take him away from me... yeah...been no contact since. OH Lordy!! Really, did he say that? Please stay away from this one.
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