MightyMight Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) Hi, This will be my first post as I am new to the site. Im 27 years old and i have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. We are the same age and we care for each other very much. He makes me breakfast and packs my lunch for work. I also do nice things for him and buy him gifts. We live together and we have talked about marriage. He is also 27, had a very rough and abusive childhood, was molested and spent time in foster care. He also spent 5 years in prison but his crimes were not violent. Despite that he is very loving but has a lot of learning to do because he has not had a real relationship or had anyone that cares for him the way i do. His exes were abusive to him. So he doesnt understand basic concepts of a relationship. I feel like i have to teach him how to be a man everything from making a grocery list to reminding him to pay his traffic tickets and phone bill. He has the worst memory ever and uses that as an excuse for everything saying it runs in his family. The relationship had taken a toll on me as he did not have a car, his licensed was revoked, and didnt have his own place when we first met. It was winter so i offered to take him to and from work so i was doing a lot of going back and forth. I did gain a little bit of weight because the schedule was so hectic that i barely had time to get anything done. i didn't have time to go the gym as often. As the months went on i felt like the whole relationship revolved around him and his needs, what was wrong with him and how to basically rehabilitate him. I felt like he wasnt doing the same for me. The other problem, to top it off, is he has a very low sex drive and rarely wants or initiates sex. Im very optimistic and i know the first thing people ask is have you communicated with him. Im very kind and always willing to help. I have been trying to encourage him for pretty much all 8 months. There are times when he says its hard for him to think about sex because he was molested, other times he cant give me an answer on what the issue is and is in constant denial about any issues. I've tried urging him to seek help. He says he doesnt need a counselor because he had to have therapy as a kid and it didn't work. I initially thought it was because i gained a little weight but he told me it wasnt an issue. This has led me to feel rejected and neglected, not getting an answer, my communication efforts had failed and all. At first i was always initiating sex and i let him know how it made me feel and it has brought me to tears. I basically told him everything i like, gave him ideas and everything and he still barely budged. He never wants to have sex. Recently the talks have turned into nagging and nagging to yelling and i told him i dont want to turn into the nagging type and that hes left me no choice. Id be happy with every other day or every 3 days because i know i have to compromise. Ive told him if he had trouble remembering to write it down or set an alarm. Ive told him how to come on to me and things i liked because at first he claimed it was because he didnt know how. I am very willing and open to pleasing myself but i have almost NO time to myself. He is always around or rarely leaves the house without me. I have to sneak it when hes in the shower, doing laundry, etc. and he doesnt shower every day. Hes the only man ive met that doesnt smell even when he skips showers. We have a studio type kitchenette suite so the bedroom is not private. And with his criminal background he cant get an apartment and i cant add him to any lease. His credit is shot because he wrecked his car and didnt have insurance. He cant afford our rent on his own either. Its to the point where im horny all day, every day and i fantasize about sex. i he never ever had a prpblem gettong guys. I feel guilty but i feel like i have no choice or im out of options. Im so aroused all the time that when i get a chance to take care of myself i climax in 2-3 minutes! I cant even last! Without having any type of sex or outlet its hard for me to cope with the extra stress from his personal situations and the relationship on top of everything else. Working out does not help with sexual tension for me either. I dont think that with all the support im giving him that i should have to beg or nag for sex. Im not picky about the type of sex we have either. Im satisfied with anything. He just has no desire or anything to change. He also tries to do other things as a substitute for sex. I just find myself being agitated and snappy without gettig any type of release.Nothing seems to help. I suggested we live separately and he said that if i "burned out" that was my choice like im trying to break up with him or something. I dont want to say anymore empty threats. I just feel like i deserve more effort from him after all i do. Were like good friends and roommates. He also gets jealous if he sees me talking to male coworkers at work while im waiting for him to pick me up from work. I just dont know what else to do. I apologize for this being so lengthy. I take criticism well and am glad for any advice! Edited November 8, 2015 by MightyMight Spelling errors
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Is it not obvious? Your expectations cannot be fulfilled by him...and that means not being in a relationship with him. You can't fix him, this is on him to seek out professional help to give him life skills. This relationship has run it's course, and it's plain to see he is not ready for a stable adult relationship that will lead into a marriage. His past is unfortunate but he is a man child. I'm sure there is a woman out there that would just love to mother him...you are not that woman.
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Tip: there is a reason we need to date before we marry....to see if this person is suitable for our future.
Author MightyMight Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) Thank you! I have thought about ending the relationship but as i said i felt guilty because relationships are not all about sex so its hard to tell if im overreacting. On all other levels as far as being a "companion" hes ok. Also most of my relationships last more than a year and some people require a little extra. Im not saying its an excuse and im prepared to do what i have to do. It might just take me leaving. If he could just get it together... Edited November 8, 2015 by MightyMight Add
KatZee Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I feel like i have to teach him how to be a man everything from making a grocery list to reminding him to pay his traffic tickets and phone bill. And with his criminal background he cant get an apartment and i cant add him to any lease. His credit is shot because he wrecked his car and didnt have insurance. He cant afford our rent on his own either. I suggested we live separately and he said that if i "burned out" that was my choice like im trying to break up with him or something. I'm sorry, but he sounds lazy, immature, irresponsible, and he'll make any and all excuses to not put even 1 percent worth of effort into doing anything. I get that he had a crappy childhood, but so have a lot of people. You can only use that excuse for so long before you can't use it as a crutch anymore. You work through it, you overcome. He was in jail for 5 years. He can't get a decent job. He drives a car with no insurance, he doesn't pay bills or parking tickets. All of these things that's wrong with him and what you're worried about is lack of sex? You have a lot more important things to be concerned with besides his lack of sex drive. On top of how lazy, irresponsible, and immature he is, he's unappreciative of everything you've ever done for him. You allowed him to come into your home when he didn't have a place to go and no money, and for that, he tells you that if you're burnt out that it's YOUR fault???? I'm sorry but I'd toss his ass out and let him fend for himself. You're not doing him any favors by acting like his mother. You don't have to "teach" him anything. He's not inept, but because you treat him like he is, he doesn't have to step up and actual act like a contributing member of society with responsibilities, you'll be right there behind him to wipe his a.ss. I'd stop doing all of that. ASAP. He gets bills? Parking tickets? Let him deal with it. It's not your problem or job to get him out of every hole he finds himself in. Let him see what consequences are. 5
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He also gets jealous if he sees me talking to male coworkers at work After "5 years in prison", is he jealous of the male coworkers, or is he jealous of you...? 2
Author MightyMight Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I understand. It didnt all happen at once. It started as things here and there. I wasnt trying to enable him an any way. The time flew by and before i knew it it was a bigger mess. I know im not his mom and all that it just came to me one day like im doing all this and cant even get laid. Lol. Its not funny it just reminds me of how men put out for women and all that and the guy expects to get something in return. It all just hit like a ton of bricks. I just kind of needed validation because i have no one to go to. Its such an embarassing issue people will look at me like im crazy. I appreciate everyones replies! 1
Author MightyMight Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 He was jealous that i was talking to a other guy outside while i was waiting for him to pick me up so i think the guy. He was like i seen how he looked at you when i walked off. I was like what? I said handle your business while youre over there getting jealous for nothing.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 What exactly are you getting from this relationship? You're basically his mom, ATM and babysitter all wrapped into one. He's not a contributing partner really in any sense, so I'm not sure what you're hanging on for. He isn't likely to get any better without some serious, long-term professional guidance so the prognosis here isn't good. This will only continue as long as you keep enabling it. It's only a question of how much longer you'll do so. 1
Glitters Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 If at 8 months this is the state of your love life , what would happen after 2 years ? I guess it's time to call it a day 1
veggirl Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Where was he living before you came along? He's probably thrilled with this set up! He has someone taking care of him and he doesn't have to lift a finger. I feel for him, we shouldn't be defined by our mistakes and he has paid his time, so it's a shame it's haunting him and he can't get a decent job because of that. That is truly sad. His self esteem is probably NIL. But at the end of the day if he isn't willing to help himself, there is nothing you can do. And that means trying therapy again, being molested has to be a killer for a man, I'm not surprised he has no interest in sex but you aren't going to change him, he has to be willing to put in the work and unfortunately he's not. 1
xcupid Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 We've heard all of the negative aspects here. Can you share with us the reasons why you're with him?
oberkeat Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) There's a famous quote that says, "you deserve what you are willing to put up with." I forget who said it. There are a lot of men out there who do not deserve the women they are with. Deep down, I think you know you can do better than this guy. From your description of him, he is not a catch. Edited November 10, 2015 by oberkeat 1
mammasita Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 You're raising a man child, you don't have a partner.
thefooloftheyear Posted November 10, 2015 Posted November 10, 2015 Its possible he likes you(and the lifestyle you created for him) but isnt sexually attracted... TFY
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