Girlfriend is mad at what I did, but I think she should be happy

[Ami1uwant]

I can understand people's anger at me, but what's all this about no custody and no visitation? And wiping me out financially?

 

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness. Not vindictiveness. Wishing to destroy the relationship between a dad and his son is pure vindictiveness, and a lack of regard for the boy.

 

Save your wrath for me, not for my son.

 

I don't know where you live and the local laws but what others said about legal action is real.

 

The logical equivalent would be a woman telling you she was on the pill but still got pregnant...where she never took the pill and wanted to get pregnant.

 

You destroyed the trust here. It's much more than just you cheating because she sees the results of it every day.

 

In some ways it's the psychological equivalence of a child that came from rape and how a mother views the child.

 

You mY never be able to regain her trust. Because of that there is littke you can do.

 

Given the title of the thread of she should be happy...shows you do not understand the severity of this.

[Toodaloo]

Sav - plenty are saying what I want to say already so I am not going to go there.

 

The only thing you can do is keep trying to repair your relationship with your partner.

 

If she wants to go you must let her. If she wants to stay you must let her.

 

Perhaps suggest professional help.

 

You clearly understand the enormity of what you have done but now you need to understand that a month is just not enough time to "put it right".

 

I would say good luck - but your going to need far more than that.

[Maxtor]

This is why I hate people. Can't trust anyone, not even those who "love" us.

 

People are manipulative and self-centered.

[Lois_Griffin]

I can understand people's anger at me, but what's all this about no custody and no visitation? And wiping me out financially?

 

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness. Not vindictiveness. Wishing to destroy the relationship between a dad and his son is pure vindictiveness, and a lack of regard for the boy.

 

Save your wrath for me, not for my son.

I think I know why you 'came clean' with her 4 years later.

 

It had nothing to do with 'guilt.'

 

You were hoping she'd get so angry and resentful towards you and your son that she'd eventually walk away from both of you and you'd get him to yourself.

 

You don't care about her at all.

 

She was just your incubator.

[Samhain]

You want some advice on which words you can use to make this "better" so you can move on.. Here it is; there aren't any.

 

You can't play God with someone's life and future and expect them to be able to move on from it with you.

 

What you did was truly awful, and yeah I know you know it was awful, but I don't think you are even at a level where you understand why it was so awful. You think that just because a child has come out of it all that it cancels out the horrific extent of betrayal. It doesn't.

 

If you were already worried at the time she was going to leave you then that means you had sufficient reason to think that, therefore she was behaving in a way that led you to have doubts about her commitment so she was already backing away. So instead of allowing her to make her own choices you trapped her in to staying with you in the most devious manipulative way possible.

 

Lots of women fall pregnant "accidentally" or through poor choices, and are then saddled with the responsibility of being a parent and they suck it up and deal with it, through whichever personal choice they make ie abortion/adoption/keeping the child.

That isn't the case here. When people are referring to it being the same as a woman becoming pregnant through rape, it may seem extreme, but it's true. This woman had zero choice in this matter that has changed her life forever and that is what she's dealing with.

 

If you'd told her the truth after she first became pregnant, how do you know she wouldn't have had an abortion? Her decision making process was completely different because she was under the impression she was equally responsible and like a grown up she was dealing with the consequences of both of your actions. Now she knows the truth, everything she ever felt and thought has completely changed.

 

I don't think she will ever get over this, and she will never view you the same way again, the very sight of you probably (quite rightly) disgusts her. It may have turned out all well and good for you, you got your boy and think everything's awesome and that she should be happy. The term deluded doesn't even begin to cut it.

 

Hopefully her bond with her son can be repaired over time, but if it's a struggle and your son loses out on that special mother relationship in his very young years that is your fault.

 

Also, when she leaves, and mark my words she will leave, and your sons stability and home life is disrupted, that is your fault too. Not hers. But hey, as long as you got what you always wanted and are happy, who cares right? Because you were too selfish, manipulative and pathetic to wait until you were both at a place where you wanted a family, or until you met somebody else who had the same wants as you did.

 

You might think people are just telling you what a scumbag you are and judging you, but I guarantee everything everyone has said here is exactly the things your girlfriend now thinks of you too. So it's probably pretty important that you sit and think about all of that instead of being under the illusion that she should "be happy", because IMO that's just adding complete and utter insult to injury.

[Blade96]

I had an ex who said he wanted to try that shyt with me.

 

I left him.

 

I also unfriended an ex ffriend on fb when he told me he coerced his wife into having a child.

 

That shyt doesn't fly with me.

 

I'd leave your ass too.

 

and that is a ****ty thing do to your son, have a mom who didn't want him and you don't love your son

 

If people do value kids they would only come into existence with two parents who love and want them.

 

I found out my mom lied to my dad about being pregnant when she was a teen, so my dad was lax with bc, and thats how i have my older brother. I was planned, but I am very angry about it.

 

I don't really believe a lot of people love kids as much as they SAY they do.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Blade96

[Blade96]

I didn't come here to be judged. I know what I did.

 

Obviously you don't because you said she should be GRATEFUL and have a bright side?? WTF.

[Blade96]

Well, whenever I say any of that stuff, she's pretty much unresponsive. I don't feel like there's anything I can say to her. All she says is what a jerk I am and how she's considering walking out and leaving me with our son.

 

She should. YOU wanted the baby, YOU can have it.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm aware of all that. I feel terrible and that's why I told her. But what do I do now? I know she's angry, and I'm letting her vent, but it's been a month and I'm wondering if she'll ever reach a point where we can try to move on somehow.

I hope not! How could she ever trust you again? She never could, nor should she!!!

[Saviorraze]

She should. YOU wanted the baby, YOU can have it.

 

You say that like it would be some kind of punishment. I went to extreme lengths to create him, why wouldn't I enjoy raising him?

[Blade96]

Have to make another post. My brother does not know his dad was tricked and that's how he is here. But my parents stayed together (and fought all their lives) and that's how I, the younger, found out what my mom did because they had a fight when I was 35 or 36.

 

My advice is, to not stay together but break up and you take the son (you wanted him not her) because trust me you stay together and you will fight, and that's how I found out how my older bro came into existence. I do resent my mom over that. My brother is strange and I don't really have a relationship with him but he didn't deserve to have just one parent who wanted him. Also, a home where parents fight all the time is no place for kid. As I said, can confirm, I lived it!

 

and don't say things about his mom while he is around while he is a minor. It is inappropriate to program minor kids (I don't feel he is in danger of being abused by you, but POSSIBLY by her since resentment and unwanted kids can lead to abuse which is why if you really liked kids you would not do that) when he comes of age you can fess up if you want and THEN he can decide what he wants to do. My parents only let out what mom had done only when I was in my mid 30's. My older bro still doesn't know how he was concived because he moved out in his 20's.

[central]

While what you did is terrible, it's the same thing some women have done to men since forever. Would the recriminations and vitriol be the same if the shoe were on the other foot? I think not - the women would say tough luck, if you didn't want to be a father, then don't have sex or use protection.

 

The hypocrisy is stunning.

[dreamingoftigers]

While what you did is terrible, it's the same thing some women have done to men since forever. Would the recriminations and vitriol be the same if the shoe were on the other foot? I think not - the women would say tough luck, if you didn't want to be a father, then don't have sex or use protection.

 

The hypocrisy is stunning.

 

The recriminations WERE the same on another thread where a woman DID DO THIS.

 

SO maybe READ AN ACTUAL THREAD instead of projecting what YOU THINK "women would do" and them condemn everyone for it. Jeez.

[TaraMaiden2]

While what you did is terrible, it's the same thing some women have done to men since forever. Would the recriminations and vitriol be the same if the shoe were on the other foot? I think not - the women would say tough luck, if you didn't want to be a father, then don't have sex or use protection.

 

The hypocrisy is stunning.

First of all, put your evidence forward of such thinking.

Where have you witnessed such comments and responses?

Please give links.

There are many threads here posted by men citing ex GF's who came on with the 'I'm pregnant and it's yours' tales, and everyone - male and female members alike - have always recommended the OP get a DNA test, because a statement of that kind is not to be trusted....

 

Secondly - for my part - absolutely untrue.

There is no question whatsoever of supporting or condoning such action were the situation reversed.

 

So I hate to break it to you, but you're talking bull.

[Blade96]

While what you did is terrible, it's the same thing some women have done to men since forever. Would the recriminations and vitriol be the same if the shoe were on the other foot? I think not - the women would say tough luck, if you didn't want to be a father, then don't have sex or use protection.

 

The hypocrisy is stunning.

 

as I said my mom lied about being pregnant, and I - a girl - resent it.

 

The effects are as damaging - well for a guy obviously not physically, but the other scars can be just as deep and life lasting and changing.

 

I don't care who does it - guy OR girl, it is just as wrong.

[FeelingFireworks]

While what you did is terrible, it's the same thing some women have done to men since forever. Would the recriminations and vitriol be the same if the shoe were on the other foot? I think not - the women would say tough luck, if you didn't want to be a father, then don't have sex or use protection.

 

The hypocrisy is stunning.

 

 

Actually, I was thinking about the reverse before I read your reply.

 

I Look down on women who do this - I feel downright disgusted.

 

But (thread jack) - but that's not just hypothetical feelings...it has actually occurred with people close to me. The woman Claimed it was an accident but all evidence points otherwise. She wanted a child, he'd stated repeatedly he did not. The pregnancy then conveniently fell at a time shortly after when the mother started taking contraception into her own hands. Instead of understanding his frustrations, the woman said that the man 'should be happy for HER and glad he has a child'. She wanted the commitment and a baby. Now she has irreparably broken trust, and is officially single. He is a great dad and civil but Wont even trust her with a key to his house. When someone's used for their baby making potential and not seen as a person whose life it affects tremendously, the other person lowlife scum with a lot of answering to do.

 

thread jack over.

 

But going back to OP, I feel what he did is slightly worse because I genuinely feel childbearing affects women more than men.

- In general, When it happens to men, its generally an emotional and financial hit.

- In general, when it happens to women, it's an emotional, physical, hormonal, time hit (which is also affects her financially).

For example the physical side shouldn't be underrated (stretchmarks, weight gain, sagging boobs, etc) because it can also affect her when finding a new partner. And though not always, it's generally true women do more of the home rearing so her time is prob vastly tied up compared to his.

 

To expect her to get over this breach of trust in a month is wholly unrealistic and highly selfish. If i were her, I'd prob never really get over it. I don't even think he fully appreciates what he did and what it truly means. And quite frankly, to expect things to have a rosy ending favouring him and making HIM feel better....really says this is still all about him.

 

I cant be helpful when His Lesson is still not learned. In fact, I'm sorry to admit I feel appalled.

[Blade96]

The recriminations WERE the same on another thread where a woman DID DO THIS.

 

SO maybe READ AN ACTUAL THREAD instead of projecting what YOU THINK "women would do" and them condemn everyone for it. Jeez.

 

what thread is that? I'd like to see it

[RecentChange]

To your original question OP. I don't know what you can do, or say to make her forgive you. I don't think there is anything to make this better.

 

If I were her.... The buring resentment I would feel would be indescribable.

 

But I also do not want children, and this is why two things are discussed before I sleep with someone. 1. We are using condoms. 2. If something were to happen, and I end up pregnant, under NO circumstance am I having a child - he better be on board without because I gave due warning should the *unthinkable* happen.

 

This poor woman. I would be sooooooo pissssed!!!;

[Redhead14]

well, whenever i say any of that stuff, she's pretty much unresponsive. I don't feel like there's anything i can say to her. All she says is what a jerk i am and how she's considering walking out and leaving me with our son.

 

you don't want her to be there anyway. You told her in order to prompt her to leave. You want that kid to yourself.

 

You say you did it because of the guilt -- i call bs on that -- you are only saying that you feel guilty to disguise your motives.

 

You carried around that guilt for 4 years? -- if you could do it for that long you could have carried it to your grave if you truly loved her and regretted doing what you did. That would be the very least you could have done to "make it right".

 

Now, when your son's mother leaves, you can explain why when he's old enough and for now you can watch the tears and agonizing he will go through.

 

What an obsolute crime against humanity and it all rests on your shoulders!!!!

[Redhead14]

The boy is very close to me. Do you think it would be good for him to be taken away from his dad who he is very close to?

 

He is young enough to be able to recover from this. If the split happens later it will be more difficult for him.

 

End the relationship now while he is this age. He is at an age where he can be resilient and adaptable. At this age he will more easily accept and attach to a decent man with a soul and a conscience. And, when he does finally hear what you did, he will remove himself from his relationship with you anyway.

[Gaeta]

He is young enough to be able to recover from this. If the split happens later it will be more difficult for him.

 

End the relationship now while he is this age. He is at an age where he can be resilient and adaptable. At this age he will more easily accept and attach to a decent man with a soul and a conscience. And, when he does finally hear what you did, he will remove himself from his relationship with you anyway.

 

Red: You don't think enough boys are raised without fathers in this world? Any kind of dad is better than no dad.

 

The Effect on Men That Grow Up Without a Father Figure | Everyday Life - Global Post

[introverted1]

End the relationship now while he is this age. He is at an age where he can be resilient and adaptable. At this age he will more easily accept and attach to a decent man with a soul and a conscience. And, when he does finally hear what you did, he will remove himself from his relationship with you anyway.

 

Huh? Why would you punish the child like this? To take a parent from a child is at least as bad as what the OP did to his gf, maybe worse.

[BlueIris]

I went to extreme lengths to create him, why wouldn't I enjoy raising him?

 

What do you mean by, "you went to extreme lengths to create him"?

[Redhead14]

Red: You don't think enough boys are raised without fathers in this world? Any kind of dad is better than no dad.

 

The Effect on Men That Grow Up Without a Father Figure | Everyday Life - Global Post

 

I am praying that he will be replaced by decent human being who can be trusted and have his best interests in mind. Do you really believe that when this guy gets overburdened by the stresses of raising a child on his own that he will not revert to his selfish underbelly and do what suits him? I don't trust him to do what he needs to do for this kid if she leaves -- he is entirely too self-absorbed and selfish.

 

And, all my knowledge and experience tells me that a child under the age of 5 to 7 years old, adapts very well to a new parent model. After about that age, the child struggles and is damaged.

 

And, NO FATHER, would be better in this case. Furthermore, the tension and animosity between these two if they maintain the relationship on some level, will be felt deeply by the child. It will be a dysfunctional situation no matter what.

[Redhead14]

What do you mean by, "you went to extreme lengths to create him"?

 

That is the Narcissist talking -- God complex . . .