Girlfriend is mad at what I did, but I think she should be happy

November 9, 2015

So you think it's ok for her to resent her own son? Criticizing me is fair enough, but our son is blameless and doesn't deserve to be ignored and disregarded by his own mom. That's what she's doing now, she's started to ignore him. She's even started to refer to him as that little ****. Not in front of him but it's still wrong. There's no excuse for that.

YOU ROBBED HER OF HER RIGHT TO DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS WITH HER BODY AND HER FUTURE!!!!

She will need time to get her head around all this. In the meantime, you pickup all the caretaking that needs to be done with this child while she is psychologically preparing herself for a motherhood that was forced on her. This is almost like being raped and then deciding to raise the child that resulted.

She has been traumatized by you. It's not fair to the baby . . . but it's your fault. You better give her the time she needs. It's the only possible way you can do anything to repair this.

And, if your relationship falls apart, and the child learns of this, he will resent you too!!!!!!!!

November 9, 2015

OP, are you aware that she could file a civil lawsuit against you for "deceptive conception"?

She'd have an excellent case too, since you fully admitted you deceived her. Slam dunk!

She could also add fraud, emotional infliction of emotional distress, plus a ton of other causes of action to the lawsuit too.

Altering YOUR life forever, at least financially.

I hope she does!!

What the hell were you thinking anyway?!!

Edited November 9, 2015 by katiegrl

November 9, 2015

So you think it's ok for her to resent her own son? Criticizing me is fair enough, but our son is blameless and doesn't deserve to be ignored and disregarded by his own mom. That's what she's doing now, she's started to ignore him. She's even started to refer to him as that little ****. Not in front of him but it's still wrong. There's no excuse for that.

What a messed up situation brought about by your selfishness.

What you don't get is that your son is a daily reminder to her of the level of treachery you stooped to to get your way, which took no account of what her plans for her life were. You got your way.

You need to be more worried about the day when your son finds out the truth about how he came into existence. Truth never stays buried.

November 9, 2015

OP, are you aware that she could file a civil lawsuit against you for "deceptive conception"?

She'd have an excellent case too, since you fully admitted you deceived her. Slam dunk!

She could also add fraud, emotional infliction of emotional distress, plus a ton of other causes of action to the lawsuit too.

Altering YOUR life forever, at least financially.

I hope she does!!

What the hell were you thinking anyway?!!

OP, are you also aware that women have died during childbirth?

So in addition to deceiving her, you jeopardized her health!

Yeah she should file suit ...if she were my friend, or on this board, I would strongly advise her to do just that.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted overboard comment on financial repercussions ~ V

November 9, 2015

I keep telling her to focus on the fact that we have a son and to forgive me, but she's just always so mad at me. I can't say or do anything to get us to a point where we can somehow bring some closure. She should be happy that something good came of it even if I was a jerk for doing what I did.

Yeah I feel compelled to answer this, for whatever reason.

You took it upon yourself to change the course of her life without prior consultation and now you're wondering why she cannot forgive you? What you did was betray her trust in you, meddle with her life's destiny and treated her like a baby factory because of you own desires. Worse you weren't even grown up enough to actually have a conversation with her about it, giving her a choice in the matter. Far out....there are no words to explain the emotions I'm feeling right now. This is like raping someone, I'm serious!

I would never forgive you either. Son that I adored or not I would probably end the relationship then and there knowing about your total lack of ethics and regard for her as a person. In all honesty I hope she never forgives you. And now that I've gone back and read your replies, it's self evident you are a completely self absorbed individual with no thought nor care towards your partner. You are to blame for all of this, if your son is now despised by his mother, then that is your fault. I would have a hard time ever seeing that child again in a positive light. I actually did break up with a man who confessed he was trying to get me pregnant (lucky for me I'm infertile), but his bold confession just told me everything I ever needed to know about him. He thinks only of himself and saw me as less than human by not even consulting me on the matter.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Buddhist

November 9, 2015

I think that it will be years before she ever trust you again.

November 9, 2015

I think that it will be years before she ever trust you again.

She should never trust him again. Anyone who would do what he did, can not be trusted to do anything ever again that doesn't serve his own purposes. In other words, he is a sociopath and/or a narcissist.

I hope she takes the baby and goes to an attorney and get paternity declaration and starts a civil suit. The benefits of which would include a trust fund for the baby, palimony and a permanent restraining order for her plus no custody and no visitation.

I hope she develops a maternal attachment to the baby and finds a man who will love them both very soon, so that the baby will be raised with an honest, wholesome role model and maybe never know about this man. What a stain it would be on this child's life to have to be associated to this man.

November 9, 2015

Her trust in you has been shaken and it's very normal for her to resent the child, right or wrong. You expecting her to get over it because you want her to, wouldn't work. Please don't ask me what would as everyone is different.

If she is still there, it means there is a part of her that wants to try and trust you again. You might be able to regain it but it may never be the same again.

November 9, 2015

What I mean is that she shouldn't resent our son. It's not right, and it's not fair, as he hasn't done anything.

Yes but he is constant reminder

November 9, 2015

Op, Your lady had choices despite what is a sensitive topic for some posters. Adoption and termination come to mind. She chose equally to go thru the pregnancy. I'm sure most would agree she did have options. I'm an advocate of female birth control along with condomn use, that way both can rest assured for various reasons.

May I inquire since the child is 4 years old, what spurred this truth session to transpire?

I'm one of the few that isn't outraged, maybe because life deals us some blows and we are asked to deal with them. This is your chance since you let this truth reveal itself. You needn't give up your rights as a parent... You will need to give up some pride and continue to assure your lady that you love her and the son.

I would recommend a few counseling suggestions to mediate you both to calmer grounds... You both seem beside yourselfs in how to move forward.

November 9, 2015

What you did was so far beyond okay that I'm speechless. It takes a LOT for me to be speechless.

Why on EARTH would you think this was a good idea? If you wanted to be a parent so much, you could have explored other options. Instead, you intentionally knocked up your girlfriend. How the HELL do you rationalize what you did?

No she shouldn't resent your child, but he is a living, breathing example of your betrayal.

You screwed up and your girlfriend had to pay for it with a pregnancy she didn't want and a child she wasn't ready for.

How the hell are you able to sleep at night?

Edited November 9, 2015 by TunaCat

November 9, 2015

Op, Your lady had choices despite what is a sensitive topic for some posters. Adoption and termination come to mind.

Please explain to us all how you can give a child up for adoption when one biological parent actually wants to keep it? Likewise I very much doubt the OP would have been exactly behind any idea of terminating the pregnancy. Since he engineered it, it's very likely he then pressured her into making the choice he wanted. If you haven't noticed he's a little short on seeing his gf as a living breathing human being with choices.

She only would have been able to make these choices without pressure from him if she hid the pregnancy from him completely. But since she imagined it was a mistake of nature she probably trusted him enough to involve him in the decision. You know, trying to be fair and all. And as we've seen that was all to her detriment since he had an agenda right from the beginning, so it wasn't a mutual discussion about what to do with an unexpected pregnancy, it was a manipulation.

Sure there are contraceptives women can take, that play absolute havoc with your body if you are susceptible to hormonal imbalance. It's not always a viable choice for women. Sure she could wear a diaphragm but probably believed her manipulative bf when he told her he would wear a condom. Her biggest error was trusting him because he clearly isn't trustworthy.

November 9, 2015

Folks, let's keep the original topic at hand. Any "tit-for-tat gender related" posts here will get members on a 10 day moderation.

Thank you,

~ V

November 9, 2015

The amount of SJW on this board is nauseating.

Op, what you did was incredibly selfish, but encouraging his gf/wife/whatever she is to bankrupt him is lunacy.

Edited November 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Offensive comment removed ~ V

November 9, 2015

I'm aware of all that. I feel terrible and that's why I told her. But what do I do now? I know she's angry, and I'm letting her vent, but it's been a month and I'm wondering if she'll ever reach a point where we can try to move on somehow.

What you do is allow her to process the pain and decide what to do in her own time.

At the risk of sounding like I'm 'attacking' you, let me just point this out:

-It was self-centeredness that made you manipulate her into getting pregnant in the first place.

-It was self-centeredness that made you think that once you confessed, she would react the way you expected her to react.

-And, right now, it's self-centeredness that's making you expect her to 'get over it already so that we can move on.'

The problem, as I see it, is that you're used to doing what you want to do and having others do what's convenient for you (whatever the cost to them). The first step towards dealing with that is recognizing that other people are not extensions of you. You both need counseling. And you also need to let her make choices about what she's going to do with her life from now henceforth.

November 9, 2015

I can understand people's anger at me, but what's all this about no custody and no visitation? And wiping me out financially?

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness. Not vindictiveness. Wishing to destroy the relationship between a dad and his son is pure vindictiveness, and a lack of regard for the boy.

Save your wrath for me, not for my son.

November 9, 2015

when you become a parent you have to give up a lot, you forced her to give up everything she had planned to be a parent basically forced a life on her she didnt choose while im sure she loves her child she prob cant help but think about all the dreams and things she had planned.

Down the road I would not expect her to stay with you, she may decide to leave and if that time comes you should let her shes given up enough for your selfishness.

And because of your act I doubt your going to get a picture perfect family you should of waited because im pretty sure down the road this girls gonna leave maybe not today but eventually you've showen what kind of person you really are.

Edited November 9, 2015 by Omei

November 9, 2015

I can understand people's anger at me, but what's all this about no custody and no visitation? And wiping me out financially?

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness. Not vindictiveness. Wishing to destroy the relationship between a dad and his son is pure vindictiveness, and a lack of regard for the boy.

Save your wrath for me, not for my son.

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness -- Regardless of your reasons, there are consequences. If she cuts you out of their lives, it will not be about vindictiveness, it will be about making sure she and her son do not suffer anymore from future acts of stupidity and selfishness on your part. Since you've done this act of shear stupidity and selfishness, what other things will they be "exposed" to when you do other things that cut them out of decision processes.

Cutting a stupid and completely selfish man out of a boy's life is all about "regard" for the boy. Why does he need a man like you in his life? What will you teach him about how to treat women and relationships?

Stop trying to figure out a way to justify/deflect responsibility to her in any way over what you've done. You need to own this entirely. You need to be able to say in a heartfelt way -- "I've done an awful thing. I only want these two people to be happy now and I will do whatever is necessary for them to be able to move forward, no matter what that means for me".

The consequences of stupid and complete selfishness is, carrying around guilt, shame and hopefully, remorse with you for the rest of your life. You aren't even married to this woman!!!!!!

And, something that hasn't been touched on yet, is the fact that you knew/thought this woman was going to leave you anyway!!!!!

and a part of me at the time was worried that she might split up with me

November 9, 2015

I did what I did out of stupidity and selfishness -- Regardless of your reasons, there are consequences. If she cuts you out of their lives, it will not be about vindictiveness, it will be about making sure she and her son do not suffer anymore from future acts of stupidity and selfishness on your part. Since you've done this act of shear stupidity and selfishness, what other things will they be "exposed" to when you do other things that cut them out of decision processes.

Cutting a stupid and completely selfish man out of a boy's life is all about "regard" for the boy. Why does he need a man like you in his life? What will you teach him about how to treat women and relationships?

Stop trying to figure out a way to justify/deflect responsibility to her in any way over what you've done. You need to own this entirely. You need to be able to say in a heartfelt way -- "I've done an awful thing. I only want these two people to be happy now and I will do whatever is necessary for them to be able to move forward, no matter what that means for me".

The consequences of stupid and complete selfishness is, carrying around guilt, shame and hopefully, remorse with you for the rest of your life. You aren't even married to this woman!!!!!!

And, something that hasn't been touched on yet, is the fact that you knew/thought this woman was going to leave you anyway!!!!!

and a part of me at the time was worried that she might split up with me

The boy is very close to me. Do you think it would be good for him to be taken away from his dad who he is very close to?

November 9, 2015

The boy is very close to me. Do you think it would be good for him to be taken away from his dad who he is very close to?

How old is this kid now? And, yes, it would be in his best interest to be removed from further contact while he is still very young and before he really develops an attachment to you. However, if that doesn't happen, he will decide for himself later when he finds out about what you did to his mother and will likely decide to cut you out then anyway.

November 9, 2015

The boy is very close to me. Do you think it would be good for him to be taken away from his dad who he is very close to?

Will you raise him to believe that it is OK to exploit other people so long as it resulted in getting what he wanted?

November 9, 2015

How old is this kid now? And, yes, it would be in his best interest to be removed from further contact while he is still very young and before he really develops an attachment to you. However, if that doesn't happen, he will decide for himself later when he finds out about what you did to his mother and will likely decide to cut you out then anyway.

The child is 4 yo, the bonding is done. As much as I hate what OP did I do not advocate the child be ripped away from his father. A father is a father no matter what a jerk he may have been. Even criminals have relationships with their children as long as the child's life isn't in jeopardy.

Both of them need to get their butt in therapy separately and they need to do this with as little disturbance as possible to the child.

November 9, 2015

How old is this kid now? And, yes, it would be in his best interest to be removed from further contact while he is still very young and before he really develops an attachment to you. However, if that doesn't happen, he will decide for himself later when he finds out about what you did to his mother and will likely decide to cut you out then anyway.

You're reacting out of vindictiveness. Taking him away from his dad would be very damaging. I may have done a bad thing, but at least I'm hoping to fix it, and devastating the boy by taking him away from his dad is not the answer. I suggest you try to think before posting. And for the umpteenth time, let me say again in case it hasn't been noted already that I know what I did and I understand that it was wrong.

There is no excuse for your vindictive attitude. There is no excuse for what I did. But there is no excuse for what you're suggesting.

November 9, 2015

My girlfriend and I have a 4 year old son. He was an unexpected surprise. Unexpected to my girlfriend, but not to me. The thing is, I kind of tampered with a condom in order for her to get pregnant. The reason why I did it was because I really wanted to be a dad and I was in a good place financially and a part of me at the time was worried that she might split up with me. I wasn't thinking straight and I know that. It was silly I know, and I'm not proud of it.

A month ago I told her and it's been nothing but arguing ever since. I guess I can't blame her for being mad but I don't see why she can't look at the positive side, which is our son. I know she has the right to be mad, I get it, but surely at some point the arguing has to end so we can move on and look at the bright side.

It's ongoing. It's totally disrupting our relationship. I had no idea it was going to be like this. I didn't exactly expect her to be like "oh? ok, don't do it again", but her reaction is worse that I could have imagined. Again I'm not excusing myself but I really want us to be able to move past this.

I keep telling her to focus on the fact that we have a son and to forgive me, but she's just always so mad at me. I can't say or do anything to get us to a point where we can somehow bring some closure. She should be happy that something good came of it even if I was a jerk for doing what I did.

Saviorraze - I would like to address some things in your original post.

For one, what led to the insecurity on your part of thinking that she might leave you over four years ago before your child was born and you made her pregnant?

For two, stating her reaction is worse than you could have imagined. I'm sure she is withholding on sex at the moment due to trust issues. What contraceptive has been used since your son was born and where is your thinking on more children? Is this why the topic of your confession came up? Just wondering what truly led up to the confession.

True, a wonderful child came of the situation and one that shouldn't be punished. How have the two of you parented prior to this and how has this changed how the two of you parent now?

Granted, she could take this new admission and want out of the relationship; however, it's up to courts (married or not) as to custody matters. Either of you would have to be proven unfit as most custody matters are 50/50, so I don't think that is something that is the most important thing to worry about at this point, but more, what led to this thinking and where is your thinking now on the subject?

November 9, 2015

The boy is very close to me. Do you think it would be good for him to be taken away from his dad who he is very close to?

Not necessarily, but she could take you to court for custody and based on how he was conceived, could be granted sole custody with supervised visitation.

As others have said; what else have you lied and deceived about to get your way and will you impart those types of ethics and morals to your son?

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Girlfriend is mad at what I did, but I think she should be happy

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