when your husband won't apologize?

[dreamingoftigers]

Well, if by your standards sex is merely a matter of jamming oneself into another's vagina, then what's the difference between that and him jamming himself into his wife? However, if sex could possibly have something to with connecting with another human being, then it might be said that if a person continually mistreats their partner, there's bound to be a disconnect and trouble starts.

 

I'm personally not of the school that says that just because one person cheats, the betrayed spouse is off the hook for all fallacies. Not saying that cheating is ok, but it does happen when people feel mistreated, abused, etc. It's a fact of life. So people can dig their heels in all day long and use hard core euphemisms for what that person did but it doesn't change the facts. Humans are animals and when trapped, threatened, cornered, or abused, they WILL lash out. Like it or not.

 

Let me help explain it to you:

 

When one MARRIES, they only jam it into one person, their spouse, unless they lack moral fortitude, sense or consideration.(CAVEAT: both parties decide on the infamous "open-relationship" or "polygamy" which I personally DO NOT understand the point of getting married.)

 

If one is suffering so greatly that they can no longer tolerate the disconnect (or conflict or the way Spouse A folds his socks, whatever) there is now DIVORCE.

 

Some great other facts of life exist within the murky content of our brains: stress, childhood issues, some people can't attach, some people over-attach, some people project crap onto their spouses etc etc etc. All of these things can cause trouble and "lead to infidelity" if one lacks consistency of character.

 

If one uses the neural connections they are blessed with, thinks about probable consequences to their actions and realizes that today is not the last day on Earth and if they choose wisely they don't need to A: drag a third party into their crap B: deal with their own grief and conflicts C: stop making their spouse solely responsible for their happiness....... then things start to make a little sense.

 

Not connecting with your spouse?

Feeling mistreated?

 

Here's some options:

 

A: Create boundaries that enforce respectful treatment and don't shut out love.

 

B: Take a damn hard look at yourself and see if you are doing some dumb shyte that is driving away your partner or frustrating the Hell out of them. Are you abusing them? What are your limits?

 

C: Take a damn hard look at your spouse. Are they being reasonable? Are they under considerable stress? Is this a temporary thing or a distinct incompatibility? Are they abusing you?

 

D: Still foggy? Perhaps some personal and / or marital counseling will help with the situation.

 

E: Situation Untenable? There are attorneys standing by to help you divorce the spouse that stuck but your mental job-changes, family tragedies and mentally ill relatives.

 

F: Jam your penis in a strange vagina so you feel "connected" while completely disrespecting yourself, your spouse, your home life and any common sense that you might have had.

 

Option F: the option so many choose for so many stupid, temporary reasons. Maybe if buddy didn't focus so hard on his "animal instincts" and used the jelly in his skull (<------uh-oh metaphor alert!) he might have worked out a more sensible outcome for everyone involved instead of playing victim.

[dreamingoftigers]

By my standards, any man jamming anything into me would be called a rapist. "Jamming" is a really bad word choice. You've conveniently missed my point about what sex actually is and how you describe it. Understanding this difference is key to understanding my point.

 

I never said he was off the hook. They have both screwed up pretty badly and, if it were me, I'd leave the marriage for either one of these reasons. I don't tolerate cheating and I don't tolerate verbal abuse. Game over.

 

I guess I should refrain from occasionally telling my husband to "jam it in me harder then."

 

I'd hate to think that as he complied he was "raping" me. Unless we ever decided to do that type of role-play.

 

I would refrain from suggesting that the OP's husband necessarily needed "connection" either.

 

Maybe he just wanted unfettered "effing." It's tough to say with the entitlement of a WS. I've seen both cases here on LS.

[RecentChange]

I haven't read everyone's responses, but I have read your two first posts.. Keep in mind, my responses are based on my experiences (as many of ours are).

 

When I read the first one, I thought "is he depressed?

 

When I read your second post I really wondered....

 

Why? Because my dude and I had been together for 9 years. He too had some job / financial struggles which really affected his self worth. I tried to stand strong beside him, and actually never pressured him about it because I could tell it was eating him up.

 

He found a new, better job. Things were looking up.

 

Then his father died, an unexpected tragic death. It affetced him more than I realized....

 

Next? He cheated while on a business trip. Unlike your guy, he did apologize, but basically said I should leave him, he doesn't deserve me etc. I didn't want to give up on him / us.

 

And that's where counseling came in. Discovered he was extremely depressed, felt worthless, and according to the counselor (who I agreed with) - was sabotaging things in his life because he didn't feel worthy of real love etc.

 

Anyway, long story short. We worked through it. Still together 5 years later.

 

If you don't want to give up on the relationship. See if he will get solo counseling, and couples counseling for the two of you (well I got mybown solo as well - as I was going crazy!)

[understand50]

I just found out 3 days ago that my husband has been cheating on me with a coworker for the last 5 months. When I confronted him about it, he said didn't deny. He admitted to all of it. But here's where things get complicated. He said he will break of the affair but won't apologize for it. He doesn't expect me to forgive him. So I can do whatever I want. He will not try to change my mind. He was never forgiven in his life by anyone so he certainly doesn't believe I will either because of our recent past. So if I wanted I was free to divorce him.

He thinks that I only chose to marry him because during our courtship was the only phase in his life where he was "perfect". If there had been even a slight error from his end, I would have rejected him then and there. And I have confirmed his thoughts by the way I have treated him these last 2 years or so.

 

Yes, he has suffered some personal and professional setbacks during this time. And I have not been the most supportive spouse. But I never cheated on him. And it didn't even come to my mind that he will cheat.

 

But I don't want to break up my marriage. I love him with all my being. I want to work on us. But if he refuses to apologize how can I even proceed into reconciliation? Is there any way I can make my husband see that him apologizing is step forward for us and I am not going to leave him?

 

Don't tell me to just divorce him because that is exactly what my husband is expecting me to do. It will only strengthen his sense of abandonment.

 

Aliceislost,

 

You have a goal, and if your goal is to reconcile, you need to show your WH that there is a life with you after his betrayal. Right now he just does not believe that you would want him after he has done this to to you. I am not going to go into his reasons, cheating really does not have any reason that would make sense in the clear light of day, but he has done this and now does not see a future with you.

 

If you want him to stay, it will be up to you, and much, if not all, of the advise we normally give will not work for you. Here is what I would do. Take it for what it may be worth.

 

1) I would really ask myself if I want to reconcile and stay together. After I was sure, I would go to him and tell him I have decide to stay, and I want to know if he did as well? Let him think about it for a week, give a deadline. Let him entertain the idea that there just may be a life with you.

 

2) If he comes back and says he will stay, get into MC, or if you cannot afford it, start a once a month "talk". At this talk you both are to work on your marriage. No question is out of bounds, but, and here is the REAL hard part, once the talk is done for the month, you can not speak of it until the next one. No exceptions.

 

3) Start a date night, or try and reconnect as Man and Women. DO things that are fun and good with each other. DO not ever bring up anything that is heavy during this time. Leave that for the monthly "talk"

 

This may take some time, but remember your goal. Keeping together will take hard work, so make a plan and keep to it. Remember in the end it still , may not work. You will know that you tried, and who knows it may work. When he is in a place where he can see you with him and in his life, you may get the apologies you need. At this time you are going to have to set that aside. You ask what would be a step forward for you both? All I can say is to let him know that while he has hurt you, you forgive him and want him to stay.

Now, do not allow your self to become a doormat, or tolerate him cheating on you again. No physical abuse, and so fourth. I hope this has helped.

 

I wish you luck.

[Marc878]

There can be no reconciliation here.

 

You can live like you are waiting for it to happen again or file and move on with your life.

[Artie Lang]

he's obviously pushing you to see how far you're willing to be disrespected and insulted by his behavior.

 

why would you want to be with someone who would stoop so low to get rid of you?

[sandylee1]

I have to wonder how this would have sounded if the OP had an affair ....because her husband wasn't being a 'man ' and supporting the family. How she could have gone for a man with a good job and loads of cash..because of his unemployed state.

 

Giving up a job with bills to pay is irresponsible. You get on with it until you find another job.

 

Affairs are not the answer...as you (OP) could have become stressed out from working overtime and also looked for loving elsewhere.

 

The right thing would have been to seek marriage counseling ....but we are where we are...and the question for him is.... does he want to save the marriage... if not. ...there's nowhere to go...if he does...it starts with apologies on both sides...but he must recognize.... this is the ultimate betrayal.

 

You can only think of reconciliation when he realises how much he's hurt you. Because...I'm quite sure he'd be devastated if the shoe was on the other foot. ...if he isn't devastated...then he's well and truly checked out of the marriage.

 

Look up the 180 and begin to implement it. You need to look after yourself and invest time in yourself. Until he can apologise....it's a lost cause.

[schiller]

Don't tell me to just divorce him because that is exactly what my husband is expecting me to do. It will only strengthen his sense of abandonment.

 

He's expecting you to divorce him because he cheated on you, he has no remorse and he refuses to apologize.

 

Divorce is the only reasonable option.

 

Why do you care about his sense of abandonment? He certainly didn't care about yours when he had sex with another woman.

 

The relationship is completely onesided. It's not only unfair to you but there's a high likelihood that he'll cheat on you again and again.

[66Charger]

he's obviously pushing you to see how far you're willing to be disrespected and insulted by his behavior.

 

why would you want to be with someone who would stoop so low to get rid of you?

 

Because that is what she taught him. Disrespect and insults breeds disrespect and insults.

 

This man will probally divorce her. This may be a exit affair.

[wmacbride]

I guess I fail to understand why it was such a big deal for him to quit a job that he felt so demoralized at. I'll bet if the roles were reversed, if you had a job like that, you'd want him to support you. I agree with the other poster that your behavior was abusive, not to mention completely unsupportive.

 

I actually have to wonder at the words you used earlier about how much you love him. Really, your love seems to be very conditional. I would never yell at someone day after day and think this would somehow keep the marriage intact. I'm not saying that what he did was ok, but I am saying that you need to take some responsibility for driving him away. Like I said before, it sounds like you both need to apologize to each other.

 

Btw, I'm very sorry to hear about your nephew. That is truly tragic. I'm not sure why you acted that way with your SIL. You may be one of those people who has to have things a certain way and when they don't go your way, if life happens, then you go off the edge a bit. That reeks somewhat as being controlling. Something to be careful about.

 

If one is married, they shouldn't be making unilateral decisions that affect their spouse then come home and expect them to be okay with it.

 

I wonder at what the conversation was like when he came home and told her that he had just up and quit his job, and now she would have to support him and do the housework. I have a suspicion that if it was a w that did that, some ow would run her down for it.

[wmacbride]

He sounds like a passive aggressive person who has a very immature way of handling things. He uses the tactic of saying he's not worthy of love or forgiveness so that you feel guilty and pity and overlook what he did, just to try and show him what he's saying is not true.

Edited November 11, 2015 by wmacbride

[ladydesigner]

I guess I should refrain from occasionally telling my husband to "jam it in me harder then."

 

I'd hate to think that as he complied he was "raping" me. Unless we ever decided to do that type of role-play.

 

I would refrain from suggesting that the OP's husband necessarily needed "connection" either.

 

Maybe he just wanted unfettered "effing." It's tough to say with the entitlement of a WS. I've seen both cases here on LS.

 

Me too because I know I've said it on many of our sexcapades!

[ladydesigner]

By my standards, any man jamming anything into me would be called a rapist. "Jamming" is a really bad word choice. You've conveniently missed my point about what sex actually is and how you describe it. Understanding this difference is key to understanding my point.

 

I never said he was off the hook. They have both screwed up pretty badly and, if it were me, I'd leave the marriage for either one of these reasons. I don't tolerate cheating and I don't tolerate verbal abuse. Game over.

 

I think originally it was used in place for ****ing, sex, whatever you want to call intercourse.

[ShatteredLady]

Only you know your H. I'm not sure if he's really depressed, sabotaging himself & your marriage as a kind of nihilism, self destruction & he won't appologise because he thinks that's asking for your forgiveness & he feels like scum that doesn't deserve your forgiveness & won't get it anyway because he has such a low opinion of himself now.

 

Was this a drunken one night stand or is the OW someone he knows well & has an emotional connection to?

 

My H has always suffered from depression. Add lots of stressful, sad experiences & a low self image (mid life crisis) & he adopted a very nihilistic, doomed attitude to life. "Life has no meaning, no purpose. Nothing means anything. you're born, life's s**t & then you die! Hate my job. Hate my life. Obliterate everything!!". He hated himself & everything.

 

Life's often a lot more complicated than 'He has no morals. Stuck his **** in OW. Dump him'......Then sometimes (After a lot of thought) it really is that simple at the end of the day.

Edited November 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language ~6

[OldRover]

He's expecting you to divorce him because he cheated on you, he has no remorse and he refuses to apologize.

 

Divorce is the only reasonable option.

 

Why do you care about his sense of abandonment? He certainly didn't care about yours when he had sex with another woman.

 

The relationship is completely onesided. It's not only unfair to you but there's a high likelihood that he'll cheat on you again and again.

 

We are being a little hard on Aliceislost. She has clearly stated that she doesn't want a divorce, so let's help her save this, if there's a way.... and it won't be easy.

 

This is NOT one-sided. Aliceislost has clearly indicated there were serious problems before.

 

Perhaps he is just in denial. Has no clue where to go, because he remembers only the bad side of the marriage.

 

Aliceislost needs to turn this around and SOMEONE has to start the ball rolling or nothing will get done. If I were her, I'd work hard to show him that things have changed at home and he's welcome. Give him a reason to come home, and work on rebuilding his self worth and his commitment to the marriage. THEN, work on getting him to apologize and be remorseful about the affair. Help him through it and tell him he has your support. But also mention that reciprocal feelings and commitments are something that must happen.

 

Let's not throw a bunch of blame around. We know an affair is bad, but we also know that an unhealthy stressful marriage is bad, too.

 

If Aliceislost really wants him back, there's no downside in trying. If she fails, that's better than not trying at all.

[Aliceislost]

The past 2 days have been trial by fire for both of us.....

 

Husband called sick in his work and didn't go for these 2 days. So we could talk. So much anger in him. And some of them are totally justified. As some of you have clearly mentioned my responses (shouting at him) were abusive. And if the situation was reversed, it would have been termed domestic abuse. Perhaps it is.

 

But given that we agreed on two things: 1.I made him feel unsafe to discuss his feelings with me by how I reacted to our adversities. 2. The affair was his choice completely. He could have pursued other avenues to call me on my behaviour (eg. writing a letter, asking for marriage counseling failing which separation, etc). But instead he chose the affair.

 

THE MAIN REASON MY HUSBAND HAS NOT APOLOGIZED TILL NOW (yes guys, not even a simple "I am sorry", forget about a deep meaningful one) BECAUSE I NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR HOW I TREATED HIM. And when things were getting better, I simply thought that he will understand where I was coming from. So no need to tell him how much I regretted doing those things to him. And in my heart I always knew, its so wrong to treat your partner in life that way. But I never came out and said to him how I felt about doing that to him and how much sorry I was.

 

In these two days I told him all that, how awful I was and how sorry I am. But still no apology from him. That means he is still not getting the weight of his actions and how much I am hurting because of it. Infact he thought the only reason I was so cruel to him was because I was having an affair. He looked for evidence but couldn't find any.

 

So thats why both of us have opened our lives to each other. We both have shared all of our accounts and passwords to each other.

 

I have access to all his texts and mails. It was a very straightforward affair. They talked about day to day lives, I was discussed sometimes (this hurts), they decided on dates, they said love yous (this kills me) and they days they had sex is revealed by husband when I ask him (there is no explicit discussion of sex in those texts and mails). It was like a new relationship.

 

The woman called him yesterday. My husband told her I found out in front of me. They have to end it. He wants to work on his marriage. He was sorry for hurting her with his actions.

 

As for him not saying sorry till now, he is still clearly not understanding the severity of his actions. We are searching for MCs. From what I have understood from two days of discussion, its a tangle in his mind (guess mine too) before he can fully comprehend. We are trying to see if we can be helped. Both of us have agreed to wait until we are stable and rational enough to make any decision.

[HereNorThere]

I think you are missing the big picture here. See, you are married to a passive aggressive narcissist that has a history of unstable relationships. You will NEVER get him to admit that he is wrong, sorry, whatever because this personality type's ego is too fragile. Admitting any type of fault will crush him to the point of losing his identity. These people simply cannot take any type of criticism because it's too personal. So far, he has done a great job at doing what a narcissist does - deflect blame and make you question yourself. If you stay on your current path, he will have you convinced that you are the one who cheated by Christmas time or so. I have to say, he's doing a fantastic job so far.

 

Sure, in the past you may have yelled, been less than nice and all of the other things that people naturally do in relationships, but that really doesn't have much to do what with what he did. If those types of things justified infidelity, we'd all be victims of it at some point in our relationships.

 

The best thing you can do now is arm yourself on how to deal with this type of person. You will never bring down the wall they put up, but you can protect yourself. Realizing that you are dealing with a person who lacks empathy and compassion is the first step towards gaining some sort of peace. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him.

 

A lot of women are drawn towards this type of male (and vice versa for that matter) because at first they appear very stoic, in control and it's almost a breathe of fresh air to the co-dependent like yourself. It's only after a while that you realize that their lack of emotion stems from a very, very dark place. They are like a burn a victim - so tender to the touch that the slightest word can send them into a deep, resentful crisis. Eventually they build their walls so high that no one can get close enough to make to hurt them. While their ego appears very strong, it's actually all paper machete and chopsticks.

Edited November 12, 2015 by HereNorThere

[OldRover]

I think you are missing the big picture here. See, you are married to a passive aggressive narcissist that has a history of unstable relationships. You will NEVER get him to admit that he is wrong, sorry, whatever because this personality type's ego is too fragile. Admitting any type of fault will crush him to the point of losing his identity. These people simply cannot take any type of criticism because it's too personal. So far, he has done a great job at doing what a narcissist does - deflect blame and make you question yourself. If you stay on your current path, he will have you convinced that you are the one who cheated by Christmas time or so. I have to say, he's doing a fantastic job so far.

 

Sure, in the past you may have yelled, been less than nice and all of the other things that people naturally do in relationships, but that really doesn't have much to do what with what he did. If those types of things justified infidelity, we'd all be victims of it at some point in our relationships.

 

The best thing you can do now is arm yourself on how to deal with this type of person. You will never bring down the wall they put up, but you can protect yourself. Realizing that you are dealing with a person who lacks empathy and compassion is the first step towards gaining some sort of peace. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him.

 

A lot of women are drawn towards this type of male (and vice versa for that matter) because at first they appear very stoic, in control and it's almost a breathe of fresh air to the co-dependent like yourself. It's only after a while that you realize that their lack of emotion stems from a very, very dark place. They are like a burn a victim - so tender to the touch that the slightest word can send them into a deep, resentful crisis. Eventually they build their walls so high that no one can get close enough to make to hurt them. While their ego appears very strong, it's actually all paper machete and chopsticks.

 

HereNorThere,

 

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on this. We don't know that he is a passive aggressive narcissist. We only know what the OP has told us and can "speculate" what the situation is.

 

We DO know that Aliceislost wants to reconnect, has admitted some errors in her ways, and I feel, has been totally honest with us. Yes, he had an affair and WILL have to accept that he must apologies, and be remorseful.

 

But, she has accepted the situation and has made some progress. Kudos to her. It will be a tough road, but I'm standing behind her from what I know.

 

AND, the husband CAN be healed. Yes, it will take time and probably some professional help. They are both in a challenging situation to make things work, but there are signs that both want this. Can we support her?

[OldRover]

The past 2 days have been trial by fire for both of us.....

 

Husband called sick in his work and didn't go for these 2 days. So we could talk. So much anger in him. And some of them are totally justified. As some of you have clearly mentioned my responses (shouting at him) were abusive. And if the situation was reversed, it would have been termed domestic abuse. Perhaps it is.

 

But given that we agreed on two things: 1.I made him feel unsafe to discuss his feelings with me by how I reacted to our adversities. 2. The affair was his choice completely. He could have pursued other avenues to call me on my behaviour (eg. writing a letter, asking for marriage counseling failing which separation, etc). But instead he chose the affair.

 

THE MAIN REASON MY HUSBAND HAS NOT APOLOGIZED TILL NOW (yes guys, not even a simple "I am sorry", forget about a deep meaningful one) BECAUSE I NEVER APOLOGIZED FOR HOW I TREATED HIM. And when things were getting better, I simply thought that he will understand where I was coming from. So no need to tell him how much I regretted doing those things to him. And in my heart I always knew, its so wrong to treat your partner in life that way. But I never came out and said to him how I felt about doing that to him and how much sorry I was.

 

In these two days I told him all that, how awful I was and how sorry I am. But still no apology from him. That means he is still not getting the weight of his actions and how much I am hurting because of it. Infact he thought the only reason I was so cruel to him was because I was having an affair. He looked for evidence but couldn't find any.

 

So thats why both of us have opened our lives to each other. We both have shared all of our accounts and passwords to each other.

 

I have access to all his texts and mails. It was a very straightforward affair. They talked about day to day lives, I was discussed sometimes (this hurts), they decided on dates, they said love yous (this kills me) and they days they had sex is revealed by husband when I ask him (there is no explicit discussion of sex in those texts and mails). It was like a new relationship.

 

The woman called him yesterday. My husband told her I found out in front of me. They have to end it. He wants to work on his marriage. He was sorry for hurting her with his actions.

 

As for him not saying sorry till now, he is still clearly not understanding the severity of his actions. We are searching for MCs. From what I have understood from two days of discussion, its a tangle in his mind (guess mine too) before he can fully comprehend. We are trying to see if we can be helped. Both of us have agreed to wait until we are stable and rational enough to make any decision.

 

Aliceislost,

 

You HAVE made progress, and hope it continues. You know you have some serious challenges and it will be a bit of an uphill battle. But you want to save your marriage, and are willing to do what it takes, then we can do nothing but support you.

 

Keep us posted and best of luck.

[ladydesigner]

I think you are missing the big picture here. See, you are married to a passive aggressive narcissist that has a history of unstable relationships. You will NEVER get him to admit that he is wrong, sorry, whatever because this personality type's ego is too fragile. Admitting any type of fault will crush him to the point of losing his identity. These people simply cannot take any type of criticism because it's too personal. So far, he has done a great job at doing what a narcissist does - deflect blame and make you question yourself. If you stay on your current path, he will have you convinced that you are the one who cheated by Christmas time or so. I have to say, he's doing a fantastic job so far.

 

Sure, in the past you may have yelled, been less than nice and all of the other things that people naturally do in relationships, but that really doesn't have much to do what with what he did. If those types of things justified infidelity, we'd all be victims of it at some point in our relationships.

 

The best thing you can do now is arm yourself on how to deal with this type of person. You will never bring down the wall they put up, but you can protect yourself. Realizing that you are dealing with a person who lacks empathy and compassion is the first step towards gaining some sort of peace. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him.

 

A lot of women are drawn towards this type of male (and vice versa for that matter) because at first they appear very stoic, in control and it's almost a breathe of fresh air to the co-dependent like yourself. It's only after a while that you realize that their lack of emotion stems from a very, very dark place. They are like a burn a victim - so tender to the touch that the slightest word can send them into a deep, resentful crisis. Eventually they build their walls so high that no one can get close enough to make to hurt them. While their ego appears very strong, it's actually all paper machete and chopsticks.

 

Totally!

 

Aliceislost do some research on Passive Aggressive behavior and NPD (some may not be full on but have tendencies).

 

Many times the spouse of someone who is passive aggressive will usually respond by overreacting.

 

" It describes and predicts the endless, repetitive cycles of conflict that occur when a passive aggressive individual succeeds in getting someone else to act out their anger for them."

 

Sound familiar? I used to get upset too Aliceislost, many times it was in reaction to my WH's PA behavior. Later on he used my anger to fuel his A. Said I was mean and a bitch lol, yet it started with his PA behavior

[OldRover]

Totally!

 

Aliceislost do some research on Passive Aggressive behavior and NPD (some may not be full on but have tendencies).

 

Many times the spouse of someone who is passive aggressive will usually respond by overreacting.

 

" It describes and predicts the endless, repetitive cycles of conflict that occur when a passive aggressive individual succeeds in getting someone else to act out their anger for them."

 

Sound familiar? I used to get upset too Aliceislost, many times it was in reaction to my WH's PA behavior. Later on he used my anger to fuel his A. Said I was mean and a bitch lol, yet it started with his PA behavior :roll eyes:

 

 

Lady,

 

While I can agree that there may be "some" symptoms of NPD and Passive Aggressive, we need to understand what causes this and how you can stop it (and cure it). Do some research on it. It's not something that can't be cured.

 

One can see clearly why this kind of behavior would show up in the history of this relationship. What Aliceislost needs to do is to help resolve this issue, and yes, it can be done. Professional help is sure a good choice, but one can certainly make a lot of headway on their own.

[Grumpybutfun]

You heard him apologize to his AP, but not to you after you apologized and tried to work out your shortcomings. Sometimes marriage is better off being over than worked on by just one person. No amount of yelling is the same as cheating on a spouse. Failure in communication isn't the same as being duplicitous for revenge which is why he had this inane affair. He was punishing you and he will continue to punish you as long as you allow. Stop letting him gaslight you and equate the two...they aren't the same. You reacted to feeling financially abandoned by expressing your pain and frustration and he reacted to your reaction by punishing you by involving a third party to your marriage. This marriage is over. He is an a$$.

Move on...this is preposterous,

G

[wmacbride]

You heard him apologize to his AP, but not to you after you apologized and tried to work out your shortcomings. Sometimes marriage is better off being over than worked on by just one person. No amount of yelling is the same as cheating on a spouse. Failure in communication isn't the same as being duplicitous for revenge which is why he had this inane affair. He was punishing you and he will continue to punish you as long as you allow. Stop letting him gaslight you and equate the two...they aren't the same. You reacted to feeling financially abandoned by expressing your pain and frustration and he reacted to your reaction by punishing you by involving a third party to your marriage. This marriage is over. He is an a$$.

Move on...this is preposterous,

G

 

 

He quit his job without any sort of heads up to you, and still expected you to just be okay with that because he wasn't feeling fulfilled there. you got angry. Most would. If you had done that, what would his reaction have been?

 

He's twisting you around, trying to put you in a position where his actions become your fault and trying to make you feel guilty for what he did. This is especially shown in the way he refuses to apologize to you, not only for the A, but also the blase way that he quit his job. He's also doing the passive aggressive dance of trying to shift responsibility for his A onto you and then trying to make you feel even worse by saying he thought you were cheating? That's called gas lighting, and it's a well documented behavior people who are passive aggressive engage in.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Alice, I'm sorry to see you in such a painful situation. A lot of people have offered their opinion, most of it based on their own experiences and the resultant attitude that they have now adopted. I think some of them are being a bit too harsh on your husband because to my mind he appears to be a broken man who cannot be held entirely responsible for the way he has acted. Again to my mind it is apparent that he is apathetic towards both you and the state of your marriage. It seems he is severely depressed or, at least, has severe self esteem issues. If you want to save your marriage you will have to work on this premise and seek a professional's help to tackle your husband's problems before you can even begin the reconciliation process. First cure him of his ailment and then talk about reconciliation. The easier way out for you would be to divorce him as he expects you to do and move on with your life. He can then pick up the pieces and sort out things for himself. Although I should think he would crack up completely and become a total wreck. Choose carefully. Warm wishes to you.

[ladydesigner]

Hi Alice, I'm sorry to see you in such a painful situation. A lot of people have offered their opinion, most of it based on their own experiences and the resultant attitude that they have now adopted. I think some of them are being a bit too harsh on your husband because to my mind he appears to be a broken man who cannot be held entirely responsible for the way he has acted. Again to my mind it is apparent that he is apathetic towards both you and the state of your marriage. It seems he is severely depressed or, at least, has severe self esteem issues. If you want to save your marriage you will have to work on this premise and seek a professional's help to tackle your husband's problems before you can even begin the reconciliation process. First cure him of his ailment and then talk about reconciliation. The easier way out for you would be to divorce him as he expects you to do and move on with your life. He can then pick up the pieces and sort out things for himself. Although I should think he would crack up completely and become a total wreck. Choose carefully. Warm wishes to you.

 

Everyone is responsible for how they act.