He's gone ... vanished!

[Susmay]

Thank you so much for the reality check -- thank you all, in fact. I guess this mindset is completely out of my purview. Maybe when I was younger and less secure. If someone threatened me with divorce for any reason, I'd tell them to eff right off and let me deal with the A kindly and humanely.

I am losing respect for this man by the minute. What kills me is that I have known him forever, and I never saw this side of him. Never.

 

A man who tells his wife to "f..k off" if she says she'll divorce him if he continues his affair, is unlikely to be either kind or humane.

 

For that matter any OW who expects the MM to treat his wife so brutally is probably lacking in the empathy department herself.

 

As for expecting him to treat one woman with kindness and the other with meanness, what's with that?

 

I was a BW myself but did not want to see my fWH treating the OW badly. I suggested to him that if he was going to end his affair (which was his decision not mine), then he ought to do it clearly and respectfully, and then go NC. I told him if he didn't plan to end the affair or planned to continue contacting her then I'd be making my own decisions and it wouldn't be to continue "sharing".

[m4p]

It's been a week? I feel for you I really do. The sudden cut in communication must had been a huge shock to the system.

 

Theories aside (accident, hospitalization etc), I am pretty sure there is a major D-Day going on right now. His sudden disappearance shows a huge damage control operations going on.

 

When my xMM's wife found out (in a sort-of dday), he was gone for a mere 5 hours and I knew something was up. The anxiety and gut wrenching feelings of waiting... I wouldnt wish it on anyone. A week would have killed me.

 

He then called me at 2am in the morning, he NEVER calls me at night. Turns out he was kicked out of home. Next 2 weeks followed with him grovelling to appease the BS.

 

OP, I know it hurts, but this is a chance for you to see him for what he is.

 

An affair is not a normal relationship, we almost don't have the right to expect the same reactions that we should get if this was a normal bf/gf thing...

 

It is also hard to grasp, but at the very moment when MM's world falls apart, I can pretty much bet the last thing that goes on his mind is "How should i give OW the closure she deserves..". Sure. He cares, but he does not care ENOUGH.

 

He will settle things at his home front, then appear sooner or later with apologies and explanations.

 

Similarly, it is not ENOUGH. Not for you, not for him.

 

Take this opportunity to get out when you can.

 

Stay strong and good luck.

Edited November 9, 2015 by m4p

[waterwoman]

"If someone threatened me with divorce for any reason, I'd tell them to eff right off and let me deal with the A kindly and humanely. "

 

Really? If you had been unfaithful to your spouse and they had the temerity to object you'd tell them to 'eff right off'.

[NewLeaf512]

He's gonna pop back in...with excuses...because he has a work email no? He can find a way to let you know in a dignified manner that its over, he was caught, no longer interested...

The risk you run is forgiving his walking away...and so desperate to feel his attention and love again when He's "back" you will accept any scraps, bread crumbs, leftovers....cause theres payphones, computers at the library...theres no acceptable reason to disappear, so accept that he DOESN'T care and please block him or the cycle goes on.

 

Mine has work email and a free VoIP desk phone. But I agree .. If he does come back completely ignore him.

 

Private Girl did you see my yoga post to you

[Babs22]

WestEndGirl,

I am sorry you are going through this and understand the pain this must be causing you. I have been in a LTA with a MM for 3 years. I also am married, for now. I know that if he suddenly disappeared, the first thing I would think of was that his W found out. We work for the same company, different buildings, so I would at least be able to find out if he was physically ok, that would be my second worry, that something happened to him. I am pretty sure I would get word of that through our mutual friends at work.

 

In your case, I am pretty certain that his W found out and he is doing damage control. I have often meant to ask what my MM would do if this happened, but never have. I assume mine would be doing anything and everything to save his M. I hope you hear something soon, so you at least know he is OK. If he is truly trying to save his marriage, your A may be over. That is a tough one to accept, I know it would be for me.

[privategal]

Mine has work email and a free VoIP desk phone. But I agree .. If he does come back completely ignore him.

 

Private Girl did you see my yoga post to you

 

Oh no I didn't see it. Seems I log in once a day and see the top few posts and then Im on the road for work... I'll go see!! Xo

[sandylee1]

remember - this is someone who had an affair. you can't really expect a person like that to tell his spouse to "eff off" & let him deal with the A. if he was THAT person, he wouldn't have an A in the first place - he'd really tell his spouse off OR he'd divorce.

 

i assume he had a D-day & the BS asked him to cut off contact OR he did it on his own as some kind of proof of his dedication to the marriage.

 

still, with or without the BS - he for sure had at least 5 minutes free from her in these two weeks to shoot you AT LEAST a short text. so really... it all comes back to him.

 

the worst case scenario is that he was in some kind of accident or isn't feeling well, or maybe is in the hospital or someone close to him is ill. so maybe that's what's going on.

 

I agree... telling her to F off would show no remorse at all. If the affair discovery didn't lead to divorce, then telling your BW to F off could well be the final straw.

 

I'm sorry to say ...but you suggesting that is very telling of your character.

 

Assuming he's alive and well........ then the only explanation is that he's been told to go immediate and total NC with you (or face divorce) OR he's decided to end it of his own free will and doesn't know how to tell you.

 

Even boyfriends who aren't MM have disappeared like magic. It's a horrible feeling... I've been there myself.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm not sure why the bs is always the demonized one in these messes - "she must have threatened him to never contact me again, she's threatening divorce, whatever".

 

Did it ever occur to anyone that when the bs discovered the affair, the cheater saw the pain and damage he/she had done and realized how badly he wanted the marriage to stay intact? That he loved his wife and thought nothing of throwing the ow under the bus?

 

Bs are not these ogres sitting at home making demands - we are often taking care of all the stuff we always did, not having our needs met at all while trying desperately to figure out what the eff is happening. We are actually hugging our husbands and telling them we love them, sleeping with them every night. And when our world explodes, we crumple on the ground and weep. We don't threaten, we just sob. We realize that through no action on our part, we may lose our kids 50% of the time, the life we loved and wanted may be gone and we break.

 

He made a decision on his own to cheat, he may very well be making a decision on his own to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage. No one likes to think that he actually wants to stay, but he sometimes really does and his bs is not making demands - she can't, her head is in the toilet. Ask me how I know.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure why the bs is always the demonized one in these messes -

 

He made a decision on his own to cheat, he may very well be making a decision on his own to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage

.

 

It's easier for the OW to think that the BS is all kinds of horrible. That's often what keeps the going as long as it does....it's called denial.

[Midwestmissy]

I agree. And cheaters don't have character - a real man never puts himself in front of his family - he's not embarrassed to show the world that he's loyal and committed. For some reason cheaters think it makes them manly to treat women (bs and ow) poorly. When the opposite is true - a man of his word who is always honest is the sexiest thing going.

[gettingstronger]

As a BS- I agree that some sort of closure should be offered-I insisted my husband contact our OW and offer to meet in person- I did not demand he vanish- he wanted to, didn't want to contact her at all-

 

Unless he is hurt, whatever he is doing is of his choice-even giving in to a "demand" is a choice-

 

Best of luck moving forward, I agree with the others- do not allow him back in to your life-

[Popsicle]

I'm not sure why the bs is always the demonized one in these messes - "she must have threatened him to never contact me again, she's threatening divorce, whatever".

 

Did it ever occur to anyone that when the bs discovered the affair, the cheater saw the pain and damage he/she had done and realized how badly he wanted the marriage to stay intact? That he loved his wife and thought nothing of throwing the ow under the bus?

 

Bs are not these ogres sitting at home making demands - we are often taking care of all the stuff we always did, not having our needs met at all while trying desperately to figure out what the eff is happening. We are actually hugging our husbands and telling them we love them, sleeping with them every night. And when our world explodes, we crumple on the ground and weep. We don't threaten, we just sob. We realize that through no action on our part, we may lose our kids 50% of the time, the life we loved and wanted may be gone and we break.

 

He made a decision on his own to cheat, he may very well be making a decision on his own to do whatever it takes to fix the marriage. No one likes to think that he actually wants to stay, but he sometimes really does and his bs is not making demands - she can't, her head is in the toilet. Ask me how I know.

 

Yep, some of the BW's do crumple, but some do demand (which is fine too). We don't know how she's reacted. That's the problem. But either way, I'd say it's time for the OP to let him go.

[hurtnomorerika]

OP, I say let him go. Do not try to contact him anymore. If this is the first time he's done this in 2 yrs maybe something is wrong or going on. Who, knows, however, when he does contact you because he will contact you. Do not respond, make him wonder.

[MissBee]

Stuff like this is why I couldn't keep up the A and wouldn't do it again.

 

I am a worrier by nature when I care about someone. In regular relationships sometimes I have a tendency to jump straight to "dead in a ditch" or my issues of abandonment act up if I haven't heard from a bf (it's never been for a week, usually no more than a day/several hours). But the saving grace in the normal relationship is that I usually have some other way of checking on them. I know their friends and they mine, I know their family, I have an email address, I know where they actually live and stuff like that so that if need be and I was really worried I could check or I know if God forbid something did happen, I'd find out pretty quickly.

 

That said: do you have any other way of checking on him to first make sure he is alive and well?

 

In the A, I remember going through similar feelings but not really knowing what to do about them and getting sooo worked up and upset. He'd inevitably be fine and have some lame excuse for his absence and I'd be so angry. I was glad he was alive but upset that he was alive and well while I was worried sick. In any event, I know not knowing is the hardest part, so if there is a way for you to at least find out if he is okay, without totally interfering in his life, then check. If you find out he is, then it's your cue to make some changes for YOUR sanity and well-being. In honest and healthy relationships you would never be in this position of being worried sick, not knowing what's going on, having to guess, laying low until things blow over with their wife before your needs are met etc. I don't care what anyone says, but that is harmful for your peace of mind and well being and you deserve much more than that.

[dubliner]

Isn't it ironic that the general advice on this forum is to go NC as a way of ending an affair, apparently as a MM/MW they deserve no explanation, no closure, no hints that the door may be open for future contact, that's right ..just disappear.

Yet here a MM possibly goes NC according to the rules and he is a 'cowardly' lowlife.

Double standards much?

 

OP, unfortunately this is the painful truth of an affair, you're in a box, not a part of his real life, you are shut out from his real life and it's times like this that show you just how little you really have.

I hope you find out the real reasons for his vanishing to ease your anxiety.

[OneLov]

It's easier for the OW to think that the BS is all kinds of horrible. That's often what keeps the going as long as it does....it's called denial.

 

I never thought that nor think that of any BS. I try not to think in absolutes because it only serves to polarize people. I think by coercing the WS/WP to ghost (despite being devastating to the OW/OM) is harmful to the reconciliation process. It may feel good and bring stability to the situation, but the act sends a message that to the cheater that he/she is less responsible for his or her own actions than the OW/OM.

[OneLov]

Isn't it ironic that the general advice on this forum is to go NC as a way of ending an affair, apparently as a MM/MW they deserve no explanation, no closure, no hints that the door may be open for future contact, that's right ..just disappear.

Yet here a MM possibly goes NC according to the rules and he is a 'cowardly' lowlife.

Double standards much?

 

I agree it sounds paradoxical, but I think there is a big difference in applying NC after you have affirmatively end the A and "ghosting." A simple message saying it is over and requesting no future contact and then going NC is what most mean when they say breaking it off with NC.

 

Ghosting sends a message: It may be over, but then again, it may not. You will just have to wait and see. But I wouldn't hold my breath .... unless you can. Either way, you'll know my decision in time. Sit tight and try not to think about it. I'll let you know.

[Dylon]

Isn't it ironic that the general advice on this forum is to go NC as a way of ending an affair, apparently as a MM/MW they deserve no explanation, no closure, no hints that the door may be open for future contact, that's right ..just disappear.

Yet here a MM possibly goes NC according to the rules and he is a 'cowardly' lowlife.

 

Yes, if it's the OW, poor gal. If it's the WH, he gets all the blames regardless of the knowing the background or not. If the WH says he cares about the OW, you are a piece of crap for caring. It takes two for an A but the rule of thumb here is no story needed, you are a piece of crap if you are a WH. Period. A is wrong. We all know and both sides are partner in crime. Why the general rule of making the WH as a predator all the time? Why all the advices have been to see the WH as the evil doer? It's a resolution? If the OW spent time with someone who's so evil like some of you make them out to be, what does that make the OW? I don't feel it's helpful to move on with that approach.

 

Sorry. Needed to vent after spending two weeks here reading threads.

[purplesorrow]

Yes, if it's the OW, poor gal. If it's the WH, he gets all the blames regardless of the knowing the background or not. If the WH says he cares about the OW, you are a piece of crap for caring. It takes two for an A but the rule of thumb here is no story needed, you are a piece of crap if you are a WH. Period. A is wrong. We all know and both sides are partner in crime. Why the general rule of making the WH as a predator all the time? Why all the advices have been to see the WH as the evil doer? It's a resolution? If the OW spent time with someone who's so evil like some of you make them out to be, what does that make the OW? I don't feel it's helpful to move on with that approach.

 

Sorry. Needed to vent after spending two weeks here reading threads.

 

Ummm because wh is the one cheating on his wife! The ow didn't owe me shyt, my exh did.

[OneLov]

If we are talking about blame, I think that starts and ends with the cheater. Sure it says the OW/OM was played like a fool. But what does that say of the BS if he or she is willing to stay? Are they fools for wanting to stay? I think that's not fair to the BS or OW/OM. Is it their fault for not assuming everything out of the cheater's mouth is bs (no pun intended )? You see where this logic is going?

[Dylon]

I'm talking about the OW and WH situation and how they are treated in this forum. The BS or BH is betrayed. No one dispute the reality of that.

[OneLov]

I'm talking about the OW and WH situation and how they are treated in this forum. The BS or BH is betrayed. No one dispute the reality of that.

 

I understand. My view real quick: If you choose to try to work on your primary relationship (and as an OM, believe it or not, I advocate you do) then tell the AP. It's not a discussion; it's a statement. End it. That's it. You don't need a face-to-face meeting, special time, or even to reflect on the A. Just communicate that it's done affirmatively. Make a f*cking choice and set the other person free.

 

I know most WS/WP never promised anything so they don't owe the OW/OM a future. But you did have a past. So leave it there by affirmatively and unequivocally cutting ties with them. I think you will find most WS/WP here do not do that. They keep the OW/OM on the far side by going silent (that's much different than affirmatively ending it) while they decide if they want or can reconcile. In the event it blows up in their face, they usually contact and hope the OM/OW hasn't moved on.

 

By disappearing on someone that communicates a lack of accountability in the situation and ultimately responsibility. To do this requires thought patterns that lead to minimizing and scapegoating. These psychological coping mechanisms lead to damage control and not reconciliation.

Edited November 9, 2015 by OneLov

[Midwestmissy]

It's ridiculous to expect that 2 adults who have been cheating and lying all of a sudden have a come to Jesus moment & "do the right thing" to stop the affair. There's no moral code - they get out what they put in. The human thing to do was to never have stepped out in the first place. It sounds silly to all of a sudden have to do the right thing by the ap. And vanishing can can happen by or to the cheating spouse.

 

They both left their values at the door by disrespecting marital vows, so they deserve the equivalent if one member of the triangle ends it.

[MissBee]

I agree it sounds paradoxical, but I think there is a big difference in applying NC after you have affirmatively end the A and "ghosting." A simple message saying it is over and requesting no future contact and then going NC is what most mean when they say breaking it off with NC.

 

Ghosting sends a message: It may be over, but then again, it may not. You will just have to wait and see. But I wouldn't hold my breath .... unless you can. Either way, you'll know my decision in time. Sit tight and try not to think about it. I'll let you know.

 

I agree.

 

Ghosting leaves you in limbo, as the OP seems to be in, where you're not quite sure if it over, he's dead in a ditch, there was a dday and he'll resurface etc. No Contact isn't HOW you break up, it's what you do AFTER you've made it clear you've ended things.

 

Disappearing without a word is very different than the MM saying it's over please don't contact me and I won't contact you or something to that effect. The latter is very clear and all you can do is lick your wounds and move on knowing he has chosen to end it whereas in this case that hasn't happened so all OP can do is GUESS at if it's over, if he's dead, dday occurred or what.

[anika99]

I agree it sounds paradoxical, but I think there is a big difference in applying NC after you have affirmatively end the A and "ghosting." A simple message saying it is over and requesting no future contact and then going NC is what most mean when they say breaking it off with NC.

 

Ghosting sends a message: It may be over, but then again, it may not. You will just have to wait and see. But I wouldn't hold my breath .... unless you can. Either way, you'll know my decision in time. Sit tight and try not to think about it. I'll let you know.

 

I very much agree with this. I know if I were a BW trying to reconcile with a WH I would want him to send a clear and concise letter to the OW letting her know it's totally over and then requesting no contact. I wouldn't be comfortable thinking that somewhere out there is an OW pining for my WH and thinking she just needs to wait for him to come back to her. While I would see the no contact letter as a benefit to me and my marriage I think it would benefit the OW too if she takes it for what it is. Many an OW will still sit in waiting, hoping the MM will come back, even after getting a no contact letter for whatever reasons, but a no contact letter is still better for all parties concerned rather than just going silent.