cadams0315 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 It's been nineteen days since my boyfriend broke up with me. This will be the fourth time he broke up with me. At any rate, I haven't talked to him since. I must admit NC is getting tough for me. I thought by now, it would be getting easier but it seems it's more challenging as the time goes on. I just want to pick up the phone and call him. Does he even miss me? How does a breakup affect the dumper?
Wewon Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 It's been nineteen days since my boyfriend broke up with me. This will be the fourth time he broke up with me. At any rate, I haven't talked to him since. I must admit NC is getting tough for me. I thought by now, it would be getting easier but it seems it's more challenging as the time goes on. I just want to pick up the phone and call him. Does he even miss me? How does a breakup affect the dumper? Why have you broken up 4 times, or more importantly, why did you take him back 3 times? If he hasn't started missing you yet, then he will soon. That seems to be the pattern. I suspect that this pattern is there because you're filling some void for each other and not moving on between each break up. Maybe you should use this time to take up other hobbies and meet new people? 2
Author cadams0315 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Why have you broken up 4 times, or more importantly, why did you take him back 3 times? If he hasn't started missing you yet, then he will soon. That seems to be the pattern. I suspect that this pattern is there because you're filling some void for each other and not moving on between each break up. Maybe you should use this time to take up other hobbies and meet new people? Seems if things didn't go his way or he got angry about something, he would break up with me. I took him back because he has my heart. His name is written all over it. I have just set up an account on an online dating website just to see what going out on a date with another man feels like. Is it wrong to do this?
Wewon Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I have just set up an account on an online dating website just to see what going out on a date with another man feels like. Is it wrong to do this? No, eventhough I would warn you against rebounding, which, ironically, has been known to make exes look good by comparison. I can't tell you what to do, but after my last break up (1998) I joined a movie club and would hang out with friends. The break up process is tricky and, from my experience, is as much about time management and focusing your attention and energies as anything else.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 No, eventhough I would warn you against rebounding, which, ironically, has been known to make exes look good by comparison. I can't tell you what to do, but after my last break up (1998) I joined a movie club and would hang out with friends. The break up process is tricky and, from my experience, is as much about time management and focusing your attention and energies as anything else. What do you mean, it makes exes look good? Can you clarify? I don't intend on jumping into a relationship. I am unable to do this at this point because my ex still has my heart. I just want to go out on a date with another man. I have joined a few other groups in my area, where a bunch of people get together and do things together. i.e., go to movies, bowling, etc I'm struggling with the NC because I enjoyed talking to my ex about certain things. Do you think he is struggling with it as well? I have gone NC instantly as soon as he broke up with me.
Armageddon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 If you don't mind me asking, how long were you with your ex for the 4th time before he broke up with you and what was the reason? 4 times wow...I'm pretty sure he will come back to you again.
Wewon Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 What do you mean, it makes exes look good? Can you clarify? I don't intend on jumping into a relationship. I am unable to do this at this point because my ex still has my heart. I just want to go out on a date with another man. I have joined a few other groups in my area, where a bunch of people get together and do things together. i.e., go to movies, bowling, etc I'm struggling with the NC because I enjoyed talking to my ex about certain things. Do you think he is struggling with it as well? I have gone NC instantly as soon as he broke up with me. What I mean is, in a lot of cases, rebounds are simply reactions to a previous relationship. They're used for validation and transition, however, the rebound is often living in the shadow of the ex. We may unintentionally be comparing everything to the ex. So when the rebound makes a slight mistake, shows a flaw or disappoints us, the ex looks good by comparison. Google "Halo Effect" to get a more general explanation. 2
Author cadams0315 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 If you don't mind me asking, how long were you with your ex for the 4th time before he broke up with you and what was the reason? 4 times wow...I'm pretty sure he will come back to you again. We were together 3 months before this break up. Two nights before the breakup, I expressed a concern I had. He got beligerent, angry and started to use foul language. Which is when I usually stop the discussion until he can talk to me like an adult and not so angrily. A half hour after I put an end to the discussion, he said to me "you don't have anything to worry about, I love you. I really wish you would stop worrying." I told him, I really need him to try to understand me and he doesn't take the time to try to understand me. He'd rather get angry, yell at me and curse when I express things, even if I do it politely. The next day, he had asked if I broke up with him, when I left his house the night before. I told him no. I just needed to leave because it was so late and I was tired. He said ok. We were going to get together this night. He was going to come for dinner and we were going to watch Monday night football together. I called him at 2:00 and explained that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to see him and needed to cancel our plans. I told him I needed to go and talk to my best friend to clear my head. He said he was ok with this. Told him, I'd call him when I got home or first thing in the morning, if I get home too late as I know he goes to bed early. He said, he would wait to her from me. I logged into facebook the next morning and noticed he had blocked me. I thought, here it comes again. He is going to break up with me. So, I called him, he was extremely angry that I cancelled our plans the night before and told me he cares for me very deeply and then he broke up with me. I told him to have a good life and I wish him well. I hung up.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 What I mean is, in a lot of cases, rebounds are simply reactions to a previous relationship. They're used for validation and transition, however, the rebound is often living in the shadow of the ex. We may unintentionally be comparing everything to the ex. So when the rebound makes a slight mistake, shows a flaw or disappoints us, the ex looks good by comparison. Google "Halo Effect" to get a more general explanation. Now, I understand what you mean. This makes complete sense to me. I just noticed that my ex created an account on the same dating website I am on. What does this mean?
dumbass2 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Now, I understand what you mean. This makes complete sense to me. I just noticed that my ex created an account on the same dating website I am on. What does this mean? It means that he is open to meeting new people and probably trying to move on, like you should be doing because you two just don't seem to be a good match long term.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 It means that he is open to meeting new people and probably trying to move on, like you should be doing because you two just don't seem to be a good match long term. Exactly. It means he is looking for other women. This guy doesn't deserve a place in your life. He doesn't love you the way you love him, because someone who really loves you wouldn't disrespect you and blame and yell all the time. Stay broken up this time. You will eventually find someone who knows that love really is.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Posted November 10, 2015 Exactly. It means he is looking for other women. This guy doesn't deserve a place in your life. He doesn't love you the way you love him, because someone who really loves you wouldn't disrespect you and blame and yell all the time. Stay broken up this time. You will eventually find someone who knows that love really is. My mind says he is no good for me but my heart says otherwise. My feelings run very deep for him and this is the biggest heartbreak for me. I created an account on a dating website just to see what it is like to go on a date with another man. Then I see that my ex created an account two days after I did. Which this is what he would do in between breakups. Then when we would get back together, it would take myself and an army to get him to remove his dating account on these dating sites. And he would wonder why I was so insecure in the relationship. His phone would go off so much and he wouldn't tell me who was trying to contact him. He would say "it's just a friend." Which gave me such a bad gut feeling. This is the first time I decided after 19 days of NC to try a dating site. I am getting emails left and right on this dating website but I am not responding to any of them. My heart belongs to my ex. I wish I could get a new heart. It's hurts so much that I am sick sometimes.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 It is Friday and 24 days since my ex broke up with me. I noticed him calling but it only rang 3 times. I ignored it as I wasn't going to answer it. Any idea why he might have called?
Wewon Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 It is Friday and 24 days since my ex broke up with me. I noticed him calling but it only rang 3 times. I ignored it as I wasn't going to answer it. Any idea why he might have called? He's wanting you to take him back a 4th time. Also, stop counting the days.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 He's wanting you to take him back a 4th time. Also, stop counting the days. He wants me to take him back a 4th time? Even though he only let it ring 3 times and didn't leave a voicemail? I refuse to talk to him. I want to heal. It's challenging not counting down the days. It's seems the only way I am able to deal with this. I say to myself, "well I got through another day." It seems like I am quitting a bad habit or something. Like when I used to chew on my nails. I would count the days down when I quit that habit and in a month's time, I had really nice looking nails. So, I never chewed on them again. How do you suggest me to stop counting down the days? I really do miss him but I know he is no good for me. Also, how do I get my heart to be in sync with my mind and my gut?
Author cadams0315 Posted November 13, 2015 Author Posted November 13, 2015 He's wanting you to take him back a 4th time. Also, stop counting the days. Are you saying he is expecting me to call him back? LOL!! I hope he doesn't hold his breath.
Wewon Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Are you saying he is expecting me to call him back? LOL!! I hope he doesn't hold his breath. Keep in mind, I'm speculating, I can't read his mind. However, my best guess is that he doesn't want to put an answer on you machine because you can think it through (and blow him off), but if he catches in the moment maybe he can manipulate you easier. I could be wrong.
dumbass2 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 Are you saying he is expecting me to call him back? LOL!! I hope he doesn't hold his breath. NC has a tendency to really kill the other person, especially if during and after the relationship you have been the one that always tried to stay in contact and always replies to the other. It sends a message more powerful than words. It says I'm done with your crap and moving on which is exactly what you should be doing after so many break ups already. He thinks he can now just come back that easy when things aren't going great for him in the dating world. He doesn't want you long term, he wants you around until he finds the person he really wants to try with and then you'll never hear from him.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 It's been nineteen days since my boyfriend broke up with me. This will be the fourth time he broke up with me. At any rate, I haven't talked to him since. I must admit NC is getting tough for me. I thought by now, it would be getting easier but it seems it's more challenging as the time goes on. I just want to pick up the phone and call him. Does he even miss me? How does a breakup affect the dumper? Hey I see I am not alone in the recently dumped for the 4th time by one person club! Definitely been a struggle not being able to talk to her. I've just been trying to stay as positive as possible. Since I'm so used to going back, it's been pretty hard. I'm just trying to remember that if I ever go back, nothing will really change and this pain will only be delayed by a few more months. Sometimes I believe the only way I can be happy is with her validation (she was my first love), and I'm keeping in mind how unhappy I was when I was with her. Don't go back, you will have to go through this eventually.
anonymousbear00101100 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 However, my best guess is that he doesn't want to put an answer on you machine because you can think it through (and blow him off), but if he catches in the moment maybe he can manipulate you easier. This is exactly right. As someone who has done the "take me back" and also been on the receding end, trying to appeal to the emotions of your ex is really important. Logically, they know you're not right for them, but emotions have a way to slip ahead of reason. And definitely one of the biggest parts of appealing to emotion is timing. Finding when they aren't happy or feeling strong is key. If you don't give them time to think it out, they're way more likely to just make a gut decision based on their emotions.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 NC has a tendency to really kill the other person, especially if during and after the relationship you have been the one that always tried to stay in contact and always replies to the other. It sends a message more powerful than words. It says I'm done with your crap and moving on which is exactly what you should be doing after so many break ups already. He thinks he can now just come back that easy when things aren't going great for him in the dating world. He doesn't want you long term, he wants you around until he finds the person he really wants to try with and then you'll never hear from him. Everytime he broke up with me, I'd wish him well and go NC immediately. Usually, there would be more attempts on his part to contact me and he wouldn't wait long to call. I'd ignore the attempts everytime and then, he would pop over to my house and charm me and I'd fall for it everytime. This time it took longer for him to call. I am not a fall back girl and this time I will not go back with him, no matter how strong my feelings are for him. I have made my mind up to make him live with his decision.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Hey I see I am not alone in the recently dumped for the 4th time by one person club! Definitely been a struggle not being able to talk to her. I've just been trying to stay as positive as possible. Since I'm so used to going back, it's been pretty hard. I'm just trying to remember that if I ever go back, nothing will really change and this pain will only be delayed by a few more months. Sometimes I believe the only way I can be happy is with her validation (she was my first love), and I'm keeping in mind how unhappy I was when I was with her. Don't go back, you will have to go through this eventually. This is very comforting. Thank you for your reply. I don't feel so alone now. I am so sorry you're going through the multiple break ups and the on again off again type relationship. I have been thinking the same way as you at this point. I am focusing on the pain that he has put me through and this is my motivator to stay away. You're right, I would only have to endure this pain from another breakup should I go back. I will not give him the option to break my heart again.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 This is exactly right. As someone who has done the "take me back" and also been on the receding end, trying to appeal to the emotions of your ex is really important. Logically, they know you're not right for them, but emotions have a way to slip ahead of reason. And definitely one of the biggest parts of appealing to emotion is timing. Finding when they aren't happy or feeling strong is key. If you don't give them time to think it out, they're way more likely to just make a gut decision based on their emotions. This is very insightful and informative. It help me to be more prepared. Thank you.
Author cadams0315 Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Keep in mind, I'm speculating, I can't read his mind. However, my best guess is that he doesn't want to put an answer on you machine because you can think it through (and blow him off), but if he catches in the moment maybe he can manipulate you easier. I could be wrong. Wow!! The way you put this sounds just like what he has been doing when he wants me back after each time he broke up with me. I find it interesting that you used the word manipulate as this is how I feel everytime I listened to what he had to say to get me back. I am not falling for it this time. However, to be more prepared, do you think he will call again?
bitterbetty14 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 He will probably try to call again. You should block him on your phone. I know that on iphone calls go straight to voicemail - they can still leave a message but it goes into a blocked folder - and text messages are automatically discarded. I am sure that androids must have a similar feature. I know that blocking your ex is difficult because a part of you wants to know that he is still trying to get you back or at least get in touch with you but trust me, it's for the best. In the battle between the head and the heart, let your head win this time.
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