irnokola Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Hi, my name is Irno! My girlfriend Mackenzie and I have been dating for about 6 months and during that time it has been the happiest I have ever felt in my entire life. Every day I get excited to talk to her and love constantly learning new things about her. She is the absolute best girlfriend I have ever had and we are well aware that we are in love with one another. As for a little background story before I begin my question: About a month and a half ago things started really heading downhill in her life. Her sister attempted suicide by slitting her wrists and consuming all of her medication (she is now Baker Acted), her mom was hospitalized for having internal bleeding (she's okay now), her mom's boyfriend went on a rampage and tried assaulting everyone (he's back in her mom's life even though everyone else wants him out), and her grades in school began to plummet. Keep in mind this all happened within a 2-3 week time frame so she was really hurt. During the time she was getting bombarded with all of that, I made sure to be there for her and make sure she was feeling loved, cared for, and safe. I did my absolute best not only as a boyfriend, but as a man to help her through it all. After everything seemed to boil over and resolve itself, she takes a look at her grades and realizes how far behind she is in her schooling and begins to become very ashamed of herself. I told her that she shouldn't be ashamed and that anyone would have crumbled under the pressure that she had and not to think that she is a failure because of it. I told her that I would help her in every way that I could to bring her grades up and fix any other problems there might be. She then told me that she thinks that she should take a break from me so that she can get her grades up, focus on her family, music (she attends a school of the arts), and her social life. I was absolutely devastated when I heard this because our bond was so close that I couldn't have ever imagined us not being together. I cried a lot and have felt nothing but emptiness and sorrow since she told me that. She said that she is still in love with me and that she wants to get back together in the near future and that she will not be dating anyone in the meantime. She just wants to better herself. She also told me that we can talk like friends for the time being, but we will not be together. Pretending like were just friends makes me feel so inferior and lower than I once was. I no longer feel like I'm on top of the world and now feel like I'm the lowest of the low. This initial feeling is obviously because of the shock factor, but it still hurts me to know that for now it is over... And even though she has had time to think about this, she doesn't seem nearly as upset about having to pretend like were just friends and no longer lovers. She barely is in contact with me and she seems to be okay during that time. She still tells me she loves me, but it just doesn't feel the same anymore. I know I am a little dependent on her which is not that good of a thing, but she used to be like that too and now it seems like its gone. I am not blaming her for wanting a break and time to sort everything out, I totally understand where she is coming from and I understand why she needs this right now. What I am concerned/confused about is why she is so okay without me... I don't know of her to be particularly good at faking how she feels. I feel as if I'm the only one who is emotionally hurt because of the temporary split and feel like I am almost annoying her by being slightly sad during the times we do actually do talk. I try not to be as to not annoy her, but it's hard. I suppose my question is: How am I supposed to act towards her during our break given the fact of how much I love her? Acting like just friends seems so hard to me, but I want to make it work. Also, could any girls maybe clarify some reasons why this may not be affecting her as much as it is affecting me? (I'm aware that last question is ENORMOUSLY difficult to answer, but general ideas would help.) P.S. What are some good ways to help me heal during this time because I feel the lowest I've ever felt and as of now and it's hard for me to find happiness. I also have a feeling that I may be thinking too much about how I feel rather than what she needs. ONCE AGAIN I AM PLACING ABSOLUTELY NO BLAME ON HER FOR WANTING A BREAK. I'm only confused as to how nonchalant she seems to be about it.
Siquijor Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Because you're dependent on her to a degree and the fact she's having family issues, your relationship might seem to her as too much to handle. I think you need to have a proper talk with her because she shouldn't be keeping you in limbo like she's doing. Personally I would expect a yes or a no answer and if it meant splitting up so be it. I don't believe in this "taking a break" kind of stuff as there's never a 100% certainty that a relationship like this will continue again.
joseb Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Are you certain her stories about her family are true?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'm a woman too, though I suspect I'm quite a lot older than her now. (34 here) But my feeling is that you were much more invested in the relationship than she was, which is why it's easier for her to be more distant now. If a girl is really in love with you, she generally wouldn't request space during a difficult time. She'd be more likely to lean on you if her feelings ran as deeply as yours do. She certainly wouldn't be staying this far away from you if she loved you as much you love her. I know that hurts but I suspect it's true in her case. I don't think acting like friends is a good idea right now. My opinion is that this will be a break-up, but she didn't want to hurt you by saying so. The offer of friends is a way to soften the blow sometimes. I would take a gigantic step away from her and rebuild your own life again. If she really is experiencing this intense stress, hovering around her when she's asked for space is not going to go over well. Do you mind if I ask how old you both are? 2
thecrucible Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Hm she wants to prioritise her schooling right now so she's made a logical decision not to be involved. Since she's able to emotionally distance herself and still hang out with you as a friend, it doesn't seem like she has invested as much as you are. If I was really into a guy and we broke up, I would find it absolute torture trying to be his friend. If I were I you, I'd do as Siquijor suggested and try to get a straight answer out of her to see how she sees things. 1
Author irnokola Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I'm a woman too, though I suspect I'm quite a lot older than her now. (34 here) But my feeling is that you were much more invested in the relationship than she was, which is why it's easier for her to be more distant now. If a girl is really in love with you, she generally wouldn't request space during a difficult time. She'd be more likely to lean on you if her feelings ran as deeply as yours do. She certainly wouldn't be staying this far away from you if she loved you as much you love her. I know that hurts but I suspect it's true in her case. I don't think acting like friends is a good idea right now. My opinion is that this will be a break-up, but she didn't want to hurt you by saying so. The offer of friends is a way to soften the blow sometimes. I would take a gigantic step away from her and rebuild your own life again. If she really is experiencing this intense stress, hovering around her when she's asked for space is not going to go over well. Do you mind if I ask how old you both are? Thank you for the advice, I really appreciate the input. I am 21 years old and she is 19 to answer your question. Last night I told her that maybe it's best if we don't talk at all until she figures things out because it will be very difficult for me to pretend as if we are just friends. I told her to contact me when she is ready. In my opinion, I think waiting a month should do, but if she doesn't figure it out by then, then I think I'm going to call it off.
Author irnokola Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Yeah, I had a talk to her last night about what the best course of action for us will be and I am awaiting a reply from her. Since we "split" she has hardly put any effort in when we actually to speak. She's very short with me and it seems like more of a chore for her to text me than something she feels like doing. She's just trying to pretend like we are just friends, but it's killing me seeing her act like that. I don't believe in the whole "taking a break" thing either. I want to be there for her while she figures this all out, but maybe it's not meant to be. We could have possible moved to fast and she got frightened. Who knows? I'll get over it in time though, I'm still young and have my whole life ahead of me. Thank you for the words of wisdom though, it is much appreciated.
Glitters Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'm only confused as to how nonchalant she seems to be about it. She may not be in reality but just not showing it to you.Its also likely that she thinks you wont be able to help her ?
Author irnokola Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 She may not be in reality but just not showing it to you.Its also likely that she thinks you wont be able to help her ? That's what makes me sad. I wish she would understand how much I try to be there for her and that I do everything I can to better her situation and our relationship as a whole. I guess if it is over then there is nothing I can do, but just go back to the drawing board and meet new people and work on myself as well.
oberkeat Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) The content and tone of your post suggests that you are desperate to keep her. That's not a particularly attractive trait, and nothing repulses women more than desperation. You're better than that. She is not the right woman for you because she does not like you as much as you like her. If she wants to end things, let her, and move on with your life. I can tell you from experience that pining over someone who doesn't feel the same way about you is totally not worth it. Edited November 8, 2015 by oberkeat
mystikmind2005 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 If a girl is really in love with you, she generally wouldn't request space during a difficult time. She'd be more likely to lean on you if her feelings ran as deeply as yours do. Bingo! Bingo with sugar on top!!
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