treehugger101 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 My Boyfriend who I have been with for almost a year 10 months now, still doesn't like that I am not emphatic, showing care for him because of his past experiences. He says his family dealt with some bad experiences and hopes I never have to face those in anyway. He dislikes that I don't understand how he feels be show more support and that I care. How can I care if I don't understand what he went threw without going through it myself? He says I need to grow up.
WhatYouWantToHear Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He's right. You need to grow up and learn that you are not capable of fixing broken people. He's broken--run. People who think themselves victims will always be victims. This is a symptom of a larger problem that will doom his relationship with anyone--including you.
TunaCat Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 First of all, I think you mean empathetic, not emphatic. Secondly, yes you can still show someone empathy if you haven't experienced whatever they're dealing with. A friend of mine's baby died, and I was able to muster up empathy even though I had never experienced the death of a baby myself. You need to be able to show empathy to people and if your boyfriend isn't feeling supported, that's on you. Ask him how he would like you to show your support to him & his family. Remind him that you don't have the experiences that he has, but also tell him you want to be able to empathize with him & be there when he needs you.
Author treehugger101 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I don't know what to do though.
LostOnes05 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Wow, telling someone to run because their significant other has gone through/is going through problems?! Really?? I guess we've found someone who is perfect. EVERYONE has their hang ups and problems because no one is perfect. In any case, yes you should be empathetic to what he is going through. Don't be his whipping boy for his problems but show him that you are there for him. I've been in his shoes. I experienced 5 family deaths in my already small family within the last few years. Now, my ex had no empathy for this because you know girls just wanna have fun, oh girls just wanna have...right? Instead of being there for me she actually ended up making things worse by cheating and ultimately dumping me at my lowest point. Was I/am I broken? Absolutely not. I went through something traumatic having witnessed two of these deaths first hand. But it made me stronger because I got through it alone, even though it shouldn't have come to that. I have always tried to put myself in the shoes of others to gain perspective on how I might feel in the same situation. So before we start calling people broken for having troubles of any sort, let's have some understanding first. Sidenote: at least he is coming forward and telling you the things that are troubling him so that you can have an understanding of his feelings. I bottled up a lot after all that happened to me and learned a lot about the people I called friends. Be there for him. Most of the time all we need is an ear to listen because without experiencing it yourself, you couldn't ever fully understand.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I don't know what to do though. Can you give us some more details? For example, does he open up to you about his past and you don't listen? Or do you tell him to get over it? Or..? It's hard for us to give you suggestions when the problems aren't clear.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 @ treehugger101 it's apparent that you have extreme trust problems, possibly allied to a very poor sense of self-esteem. You mistrust everything your BF says, or does, and question all his motives and actions... I'm wondering also if you don't have a mild form of Asperger's. I believe that those people with Asperger's find it difficult to either exercise tact to a societal norm, or actually empathise with others on a human heart level. Perhaps you should address those things and see whether you can effect any change within yourself, before establishing how to address the situations others find themselves in. If you can't 'connect' on an emotional, empathetic level, it's worth investigating why.....
Empyrea Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Actually, studies have shown that people who have experienced the same kind of trauma can become less empathetic as a result. It's like, hey I've been there, I'm over it, why aren't you? So you may actually be in a better position to show compassion from a standpoint where this kind of trauma is foreign to you. But it can still be confusing as to what is expected of you, and it's not like you're a professional or can help in any substantial way, so usually what is expected of you is to really sit down and listen, reflect his own emotions back to him verbally, just try to understand. Also just to ask him what kind of support he would like from you. Perhaps his expectations are unrealistic and he would have better luck receiving that from a professional. In any case, it seems like something that needs to be expressed. Good luck!
Author treehugger101 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I've tried talking to him and listening to him, but he is always going on about his past and thinks the past is going to repeat itself. I want him to just get over his past and move on, that was then and this is now. I have moved on from my past occurrences and events, so why can't he? He did also mention that when him and I first started dating and after I met him during a rough patch, where he was and still is going through a lot of stuff. BUT to me, if you were dealing with all this stuff, why were you even on a dating website in the first place?
Empyrea Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Just tell him that you'll be there for him, but that a lot of this is out of your scope and that he should perhaps consider talking to a professional if after all this time he's still having a hard time moving on or letting go from whatever trauma occurred.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I sense a hugely dysfunctional relationship here. I'm sorry, but I do. He needs fixing, but apparently won't take any action to deal with his retrospective habits. You have very low self esteem and issues concerning trust. And as I pointed out, you might even be displaying personality traits of someone with Asperger's....Although I am not in any way, medically trained, I have a member of my family who has Asperger's and they 'sound' very similar to you... This just sounds really screwed up.
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