hjess040 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I have been with a guy for about 3 months now. We have a really great time together, and i do like him a lot, but he seems very self centered. Whenever i suggest hanging out i just feel like everything is on his terms. If i say a movie and he doesn't like the sound of it he basically says he doesn't really want to watch it. He asks me to pick where to eat but whenever i pick somewhere he is usually picky about it afterwards and says he didn't enjoy it or it was "ok," so i just started to say to him why don't you just pick the restaurant then. I also feel like days hung out are all when he says. I may suggest a day and he will be like oh no that isn't good for me but i can do this day. I don't have much of a social life outside of him, but i hate feeling like everything is on his terms. He has been single for a really long time, so i am wondering if he is just used to doing everything for himself (he is also very introverted), and if with time he will start to be a little less self absorbed, or if this is just who he is. Last week i asked him if he wanted to do something and he ended up taking me to dinner. He was really moody at dinner and after he just said he was really tired and didn't want to hang out really but compromised to make me happy because he knew i wanted to see him. I appreciate him doing that to come see me, but not if someone acts totally moody and like they don't want to be there the whole night. He also said after the date he didn't really like the restaurant i chose or the food. So does it sound like i am being too picky and unreasonable, or do i have a reason to be kind of irritated by this behavior?
Zapbasket Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He has been single for a really long time, so i am wondering if he is just used to doing everything for himself (he is also very introverted), and if with time he will start to be a little less self absorbed, or if this is just who he is. You know that saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them"? That very much applies here. He most certainly is not going to start to become less self-absorbed, especially as the demands of the relationship grow from which restaurant to go to to whether and when and where to move in together, etc. Do you want to be in a relationship with a self-absorbed man, or one who has developed emotionally to the point of being able to consider others? So does it sound like i am being too picky and unreasonable, or do i have a reason to be kind of irritated by this behavior? Not picky nor unreasonable to want someone who cares about your needs and won't ruin dates with a sulky, crappy attitude and complaints. This behavior usually only gets worse, believe me. 1
anduina Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 As someone who dates introverted guys, his behaviour isn't because he's introverted. Your description about being self-centered would be accurate. 1
avintagegirl Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I have been with a guy for about 3 months now. We have a really great time together, and i do like him a lot, but he seems very self centered. Whenever i suggest hanging out i just feel like everything is on his terms. If i say a movie and he doesn't like the sound of it he basically says he doesn't really want to watch it. He asks me to pick where to eat but whenever i pick somewhere he is usually picky about it afterwards and says he didn't enjoy it or it was "ok," so i just started to say to him why don't you just pick the restaurant then. You have been with him for three months. You have gone out with him what, 12-24 times? You say you have a great time together, but its only when he is going where he wants to go and eating food he likes. I get it sometimes yes you have to compromise, but that is not the same thing as letting him pick so you dont have to hear him complain later. I also feel like days hung out are all when he says. I may suggest a day and he will be like oh no that isn't good for me but i can do this day. I don't have much of a social life outside of him, but i hate feeling like everything is on his terms. So pick up an activity, make plans with people. Make plans with yourself. It is completely ok to say "Oh sorry I can't get together that day" when you have planned to spend the day window shopping or browsing bookstores. Just because you arent engaged with another person in an activity doesnt mean you have to be free. I am not saying you should "play games". What I am saying is take yourself out and fly solo and keep that time sacred. He has been single for a really long time, so i am wondering if he is just used to doing everything for himself (he is also very introverted), and if with time he will start to be a little less self absorbed, or if this is just who he is. Maybe, and maybe it is just his personality. Last week i asked him if he wanted to do something and he ended up taking me to dinner. He was really moody at dinner and after he just said he was really tired and didn't want to hang out really but compromised to make me happy because he knew i wanted to see him. I appreciate him doing that to come see me, but not if someone acts totally moody and like they don't want to be there the whole night. He also said after the date he didn't really like the restaurant i chose or the food. I think you are taking a different view than he is. He says: but compromised to make me happy because he knew i wanted to see him You say: I appreciate him doing that to come see me See the difference? Also I get the whole "he was trying to compromise" but then he was moody. If he didnt want to come out, just say it. I would much rather have someone want to see me because they wanted to see ME not because they felt like they had to compromise. So does it sound like i am being too picky and unreasonable, or do i have a reason to be kind of irritated by this behavior? I will be honest, I would be irritated. For me, if every time my fellow and I went some place I wanted to go to and he complained about it, I would think that we arent a compatible fit. Life is too short to keep dating someone that you aren't compatible with. 1
basil67 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Being an introvert doesn't prevent one from being thoughtful and going along with suggestions. The only thing an introvert may avoid are long events with many people. By the way, you don't need to justify if his behaviour is bothersome. If you don't click with someone, you just stop seeing them.
Author hjess040 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Yeah i think maybe he just isn't as involved as i want him to be. He says he likes his alone time which i can appreciate, but it is to the point where he just isn't willing to compromise (and doesn't want to) even to make a relationship work.
avintagegirl Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Yeah i think maybe he just isn't as involved as i want him to be. He says he likes his alone time which i can appreciate, but it is to the point where he just isn't willing to compromise (and doesn't want to) even to make a relationship work. At which point, you say, I want more and let him have his alone time. 1
xcupid Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 You're not compatible and you're clutching at straws to make this work IMO. 2
Wewon Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I can see this getting old real fast. Right now you're dealing with relatively minor things, but as the demands get larger I can see more problems coming from wanting things on his terms. 1
Buddhist Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 He's high maintenance and irritating. If this is how he's behaving when he's trying to impress someone I don't even want to stick around for the bad day. He sounds completely selfish and I wouldn't bother. It could be decades before this adult toddler ever grows up. Seriously sulking because you did something to please another person.....how passive aggressive can you get. I'd ditch the baby.
Michelle ma Belle Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 OP, what do you want? I mean, I agree that you being the only one to compromise on everything is going to get old really fast. Relationships are a two way street. You sound like you're making all kinds of excuses for him so unless you're perfectly fine and happy with letting him call ALL the shots from here on out, let him know how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. Trust me, this is only going to get worse and you're going to have to decide if you can live with things just as they are. 2
kilgore Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 OP, what do you want? I mean, I agree that you being the only one to compromise on everything is going to get old really fast. Relationships are a two way street. You sound like you're making all kinds of excuses for him so unless you're perfectly fine and happy with letting him call ALL the shots from here on out, let him know how you feel and let the chips fall where they may. Trust me, this is only going to get worse and you're going to have to decide if you can live with things just as they are. Wise. If you don't speak up now it will feel like a bigger deal later.
tronprogram Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 My SBTX-W accused me of a lot of the stuff that you're describing about your boyfriend, Jess and there's a reason why she's my SBTX. It took me six years to realize that I just wasn't into my wife and I finally decided to let her go. That kind of stuff was sort of there from the beginning because I had doubts about whether or not I actually loved her. Now I'm in a relationship where I don't question that and I feel like I had no business marrying my wife. Unfortunately, she didn't see that herself and we got married anyway and after six mostly good years, it finally collapsed in on itself. Right when we finally got pregnant, too. Don't let that happen to you. Be with someone who treats you like a queen as much as you want to treat him like a king. Accept nothing less. 1
kitty12345 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 If you have discussed and told him your concern and it still doesnt change , then its time to change the person,meaning get a new guy and dump him.
Els Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Well, the movie thing I can understand. I mean, everyone has a couple of genres that they just can't stand, so no point in him forcing himself to watch a movie that he hates. But he should suggest something else that the two of you can do instead. The picking a restaurant thing is plain annoying and passive aggressive. If he is that picky about restaurants he should take the initiative and suggest one himself. Not tell you to pick and then whine about your choice all the time. Actually, yeah. Dude just sounds passive aggressive and not all that interested in putting in the effort, to me. If things are this way 3 months in, how do you think they'll be 3 years down the road? 1
Lostweekend Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Yeah i think maybe he just isn't as involved as i want him to be. He says he likes his alone time which i can appreciate, but it is to the point where he just isn't willing to compromise (and doesn't want to) even to make a relationship work. Well, I might be wrong but perhaps it´s a good idea to think about how it would/could work in the long run? You have been dating him for three months. If this was to become a long term thing then you would most probably be up for a life on someone else´s terms. Very little compromise! Sometimes you have to do things to please the other person! You go and see a movie or a concert to make the other person happy. You might not like the type of movie or the band/artist, but you do it because it also makes the other person feel equal. You sound like that kind of person but he unfortunately doesn´t. First impressions are everything! Sorry but he sounds very selfish!
Zippy2000 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Do you know your post doesnt mention any good points about this man. He only thinks for himself. He`s very selfish. Give him up to 6 months and if nothing changes. Find someone else who are happy with and treats you right.
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