BabyDags Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Hi all... i am new to this forum, and am looking for some advice. i have been really depressed about my guy, and i need help. we have been together for over 3 years, and he claims he wants to be serious, but when it comes down to i, i have serious doubts that he ever will. our whole relationship has changed within the past year. heres my story. He moved to Nc from Ny about 7 years ago. we met right before we moved here to Sc together. (he was there for 4 years.. i have been there my whole life) he got offered a great job, and he took it and i moved here to be with him. now... first off... he is closer to his friends, and family, and he is a southern boy at heart. (they are 2 hours from here) i on the other hand and a pure city girl. i need the commotion... and since i have been here, there has been several nights when i wish i were home with my family and friends, but i am still in the south to be with him. he had a bad relationship before me, and bc of it, he has developed (or so he says) social anxiety disorder. it is hard on the relationship, especially since i am a VERY social person. i have not made too many friends here, but when i do, and they come over, he stays in a different room the whole time they are visiting. he has gotten better, but it is still hard for me to have friends over. and when i want to go to their place, to give him relief from people being here, he bitches that i dont spend time with him... he is always invited, but chooses not to go. since my family is 22 hours away, i rely on the few friends i have here, and him. but lately, things have been so hard, i want to leave and go home. i went home for a few days for my big sisters wedding... and he called me while i was in walmart, after he told all his friends that he didnt want to be friends with them ne more, and then, he proposed. i said no. how could i say yes, when he was a mess from telling his friends off... it is nothing like i hoped my proposal would be. and i have already been married, and i know i am not ready. i mean i seriously KNOW. my divorce was messy and hard.. and he knows that... he was there for me thru it... so i was honest and told him all this and then declined. now, he wont talk about it... i think i scared him out of it... and i feel bad about that. but i had to trust my instinct... right? well, ne ways... then when i get back to the south. he tells me that his grandparents will be giving him some land, and he is GOING to build a house in his hometown, which is less of a city than where we are living now. im talkin cows and chickens in the yard and if a dog gets sick, they shoot it instead of taking it to a vet.... that is repulsive to me....i am not a country girl, and i never will be. i am not happy in the south. i told him this, and he said... then we cant be together if i cant move to his hometown with him. i think that was unfair and as a result, i have become distant, and irritable. and to top it off... i told him i hate it here, and i miss my family, and he always says the same thing... im sorry, there is nothing WE can do.... he never offers to help me move back home. never says... do u think we can do a long distance relationship until your ready?... nothing like that. i would like to think i would say those things to him... i did when he told me he got offered this job, and i gladly moved to make him happy. but how come he doesnt have to budge to make me happy? Also... he has been working overnight. this started about a year ago, so we never even sleep together ne more. we dont really have nething in common ne more... like when we first started dating... we would go to poetry readings, go out for a cup of coffee and do crosswords, we would go to a bar every now and then, and this past year, i cant get him to leave the house at all... i even sang in a contest, and he was off the same night, and refused to go... needless to say, i was heartbroken, but i got over it. and won! ha! in yp face... lol! ( i didnt say that, but i did think it) now, i is rummy and TV that we have in common, and some music, but not enought to even hold a conversation. and sex is different too... he gets his jollies off, and then gets up and goes about on his way... and i cant do anything to change that. he doesnt even hug me when we kiss... i am lucky if he does... and i am pretty unlucky most of the time. i mean, when you kiss someone, hold them... give them that little bit of security... i will climb in his lap and his hands and arms stay crossed until i get up, then he stretches them out. we dont have sex ne more unless HE is in the mood, so i am almost crazed for it, and he thinks as a result that i am a fiend. im not... i just want the same pleasure that he gets... i want to make love... he wants to get off before he goes to work, so i am left in a bed, unsatisfied, tired from my work day, and angry. ( my gramma said never to go to bed angry, but i dont know what it feels like not to do that ne more) his biggest concern is money. he has a few outstanding debts, and it has left us with no food, no gas in the car, and no furniture. it has been like this for 2 years. an old futon, a beat up lazyboy that is falling apart, and broken, and a beat to death, old ent. center from his sister. i personally dont care... i could be happy with him and a pillow... but he NEEDS STUFF... am i just being selfish in thinking that money isnt everything? i am not obsessed with it. i dont really care at all about it, but it sure has brought me down. he has so many bills, and tons of debts that equal $10,000. i do have bills, but they are current... like phone, cable, and electric. i manage my money. ( i am a smoker, and i know that if i have 30 dollars, and my cat needs food, she is getting food, and i am buying a pack of gum.) i work twice as hard, and twice as long, making half of what he does, and it is usually MY check that has to get us by, and that leaves me with no money to save, and no money to go and hang out with friends... so i stay in the house, broke. and i would be fine with it, if when i got home from work, he would spend more time with me. he gets off at 6am,wakes me up at 7 for work, and he stays up until noon on the computer, playing literati and chess, and then sleeps till like 6pm. i get home at 4. then when he gets up... i have the house cleaned and dinner on the table, which is never to his liking, and then he goes to work, and i am home alone all night, feeling bad for myself. also... double standards... i had to go to his friends wedding, but he told me that he WILL NOT go to my friends wedding, which i am singing their song in. i have to be nice to his friends, but he treats mine with no respect. and then he gets mad when i say that it is not fair. he doesnt like my mom.. and he lets it be known, but i am always smiling when his parents come at me... his dads speech is incomprehendable, his mom is half deaf, so she screams, and he tells me that if his Ex could do it, then so can i... the diff is his family likes me. i never complain about them... they are good people... and i help them out when i can. but he rips on my mom, and then compares me to her... not to be ugly towards my mom... she is an amazing woman, but she is totally unable to care for herself, and can be self centered most of the time... but that is all she knows... i take care of myself, and him... and he still will say i am going to turn into her. i pride myself in knowing that i am capable of taking care of me, and the things he says just knock my heart into the floor... he doesnt have to like my mom, but i feel that he should be civil, and he cant. but i have to be with his family. WTF mate?!!? if i get off work early, i buy him flowers, or his fav candy bar, or take out, which we dont get often, which is a sacrafice for me as far as money goes, but i love seeing him smile... but most of the time, the flowers die before he gets around to putting them in water, and his food gets cold, bc he will not get out of bed to eat it. he gets up when he is ready to, and that is that. we do however go to concerts. we were planning to go to OzzFest, but i dont want to go ne more, bc he invited his buddies with out telling me, and the ones he did invite are the ones i dislike for several reasons... (one of them set up and ex of his with a guy who was HIV Positive, didnt tell her, but he knew... and she is now dead) i cant be friends with someone like that. and he cant see why... uhhh durh! ) these are not the people i want to be around for what was supposed to be a thing for US to do... i love him soooo much, and this is one of the most hard relatioships that i have ever been in. i know i want to move back to NY, but i am still hoping for him to be himself again... the man i fell for 3 years ago... i just dont think it is going to happen. and it sucks bad, bc now i am seriously torn and i dont want to hurt him. i love him, but at the same time, i cant stand him... What should i do? ne advice would be much appreciated.
christinaIUP Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I totally understand where you are coming from, you sound very much like me! I feel that i give and give and give in my relationship and even though i dont get much back in return, i still find the need to give! Whether it be making him dinner, cleaning, doing thoughtful things, etc, while he doesnt do much for me! I know its easier said than done, believe me,. i know.. I can easily say, well he treats you like crap, he doesnt do anything for you, he gives you no affection, he doesnt do anything fun anymore, so just leave! Thats the solution, unfortunately, and thats hard. I am in the same boat as you. I have been with my bf for 3 years, moved to be near him, i am far from my family/friends. He expects a lot from me, wanting me to do everything a wife is to do, but without that commitment. Why are you paying all bills? What is he doing with his money? You should really put the foot down about that. If you are not married then you should be splitting the living expenses. Actually, if he is making more, then he should be contributing more. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Or does he just brush you off like what you are saying is a joke? He thinks that he has you in your place, he is taking advantage of you. You do everything for him, he probably thinks that you will never leave him, that he can do whatever he wants and you will still stay with him. You have to make him feel otherwise. Tell him that you are hurt, tell him he is unfair, that you are upset. Stop doing all those nice things for him like you do. Stop doing him little favors, dont cook him dinner, etc. I know it will be hard, i know you will want to do only nice for him, but you have to show him that you are not going to take it anymore and he has to shape up, or you will ship out. Make him try to keep you in this realtionship, like he did at the beginning when you were first dating. He was on his best behavior then, im sure.
Author BabyDags Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 i have tried talkin to him, and yeah! he blows me off... he asked me thins morning if i would bring him something to eat from work, so i got him all i could afford... break sticks and some alfredo sauce.... then i got the mail and kicked on the door for him to open it, bc i knew he was sleepin in the living room... he didnt get up, and i burnt my wrist, and the food has been sitting on the table getting cold for the past 30 minutes. i am so tried of it, but i feel the need... lol! you hit the nail on the head there. where are u from? lol! maybe we should be friends... LOL thanks for the advice. but lately, i have just been waiting for the one thing to happen where i can leave and be guilt free... last night, he told me how much he loved me and blah blah blah... literally... that is all i hear when he talks to me about US.... Maybe i am the one with the issues and i am being a selfish bitch... but i feel like holy hell..... i had a panic attack last night bc of it, so now, i have to keep myself sedated... or i will freak out, and if i do that... i dont know what i would do... like what i am capable of... i hate the whole thing, but once again, i love him
christinaIUP Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 You know i really dont think that i should be giving advice here, bc i really dont listen to what i know is right, and i know that i dont listen to my own advice. Ok, tell me, what do you love about this guy? Do you love what he used to be like when you were first dating? Do you love how he can be ever so nice to you SOME of the time? What does he do for you now? Try to weigh the good with the bad. Can you make a list of the things about him that you love, and the things about him that you dont like? Do the bad things outweigh the good? In my (current) experience, you probably "love" him for what he used to be like and what he is only SOME of the time. Unfortnately, the occasional nice things he does do for you probabaly go far in your book, and you hang on to those little nice things and you refer back to them when you are upset with him(messed up, i know) for example, he bought me flowers last month, so i think to myself "he's not all that bad, he does do nice things like that sometimes, so why would i want to leave, i mean , i do love him. He was so nice to me before, so fun, im sure if i stick around longer then he will change, that he will get out of this little kink in his life and be like he used to, i just gotta be positive" All this when really, the day before i was complaining to him that he doesnt do romatic things for me anymore, and the next day he shows up with flowers. Which shows me what? The more i complain, the more i will get? Bottom line, i really think that you should just scare him a little, stop being so nice, start showing him that he cannot take you for granted. Stand your ground, and stop doing all those nice things that he has become accustomed to getting from you. Tell him that you are upset and prove it to him by the way you act. You cant tell him that you are upset with him, then go out and buy him dinner! He knows he has you where he wants you. Tell him that you are not going to buy him dinner for him again until he is nicer to you, when he is going to give you what you need. Unfortunately i have had 2 bfs like this, and one of them i did end it. But i seem to attract the same kind of guys. Or maybe its the way that i am. Once they know i will do just about anything for them, then they take full advantage. Like i said, i have to listen to my own advice!
Recommended Posts