Myragal Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Thanks, everyone. If someone doesn't want to kiss me after a few weeks and 6+ dates, that's a red flag for me, personally. If he is interested in more than friendship, he should want to kiss me. This isn't our first rodeo, we're both experienced adults. Everyone who told me to go for it is right. It will be giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I will get my answer. After that, I don't need to hop in the sack anytime soon. Honestly, I've found sex is the easiest part of a relationship. I do want to take it slow and get to know him, but we must break through the platonic level we're at. We must develop some chemistry and intimacy. Cuddling and kissing is not too much to ask for. Break through? Is this about romance or finding a cure for a disease?
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) Break through? Is this about romance or finding a cure for a disease? Yes, break through. I don't mean as in marvelous new discovery, I mean physically (literally!) moving beyond something that is preventing me from understanding where we stand (friends or more). Edited November 8, 2015 by ScienceGal
Simon Phoenix Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Thanks, everyone. If someone doesn't want to kiss me after a few weeks and 6+ dates, that's a red flag for me, personally. If he is interested in more than friendship, he should want to kiss me. This isn't our first rodeo, we're both experienced adults. Everyone who told me to go for it is right. It will be giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I will get my answer. After that, I don't need to hop in the sack anytime soon. Honestly, I've found sex is the easiest part of a relationship. I do want to take it slow and get to know him, but we must break through the platonic level we're at. We must develop some chemistry and intimacy. Cuddling and kissing is not too much to ask for. Then kiss him!
Author ScienceGal Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Then kiss him! I will when I see him next, hopefully early this week!!
Author ScienceGal Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 (edited) Well, I didn't kiss him and he didn't kiss me. We dated through early December, and I asked him how he thought things were going. I told him I liked him and pointed out that I had tried to flirt once and also messaged once that I was looking forward to seeing him, but didn't receive anything back either time, so I was just feeling a little unsure. Pretty much all I got in response was "I don't know" and "I hadn't really thought about it" (imagine a mini dagger piercing my heart). I was calm, kind, but clear. I needed some sort of communication from him, and I left that night feeling totally disappointed and as though there was nothing else I could do. I did not feel comfortable just kissing him (i.e. throwing myself at him) when he wasn't giving me any welcoming vibes. We had 9 or 10 dates over 6 weeks, in addition to communicating for a month before we even met. If he can't even say "I like you too", that's a huge problem. We both went almost a week without getting in touch, and since I am not good with loose ends, I decided to message that I was sorry I hadn't been in touch, but that I didn't feel good after our last date and didn't know what else to say. He responded to ask if I meant I felt sick. I clarified, no, I felt like I couldn't connect. It just felt cold. And since he hadn't been in touch either, should we just stop trying? I got no response. I waited 2 days and sent a final message saying I officially give up, have no hard feelings and truly wish him all the best (included a smiley face). I regret the last message, but it is what it is. That was just over 2 weeks ago. I did no finger pointing through all of this, and never even used the word "you", as to not make him feel attacked.. I was very kind and deliberate in my word choice. Still, crickets. I'm more hurt than I should be and am just trying to work through it and get past it. I've cried and been hoping he'd reach out. I know he won't and that I need to move on. It's discouraging to get all of the wonderful and hopeful feelings I did on our early dates only to have it turn into nothing, and a very confusing nothing at that. I really liked him. Anyway, just wanted to give an update. I am grateful for my friends and family, including my LS family. I will try to not sulk too much over the holidays. Edited December 23, 2015 by ScienceGal
Sunlight72 Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 I feel like I've made my wants and intentions clear and am leaning towards the second option. I'm hoping he'll find a little faith and come around. From what you wrote in your original post, I do not think you've made your wants clear. My last girlfriend (lasted 4 years) told me on the second or third date, "I only date for the long term, and do not sleep with men casually so don't expect we'll be having sex." To which I replied, "that's great. I'm happy to see where this relationship goes and we don't have to be having sex. However, if we are in a relationship there will be hugging, kissing, and we will sit right next to each other on the couch." I then moved right over next to her, and we both laughed. When I left that evening we hugged and kissed. If you were this clear with him, and he wasn't acting interested, I'd be hesitant to invest a lot more in exclusivity. But if you have not yet been as clear as "I hear you, and want you to hear me. When I am in a relationship, which I am wanting to be in with you now, there will be hugging, kissing and snuggling.", then I'd suggest you try it. I think from what you've written he is worth seeing several more times at least, unless he keeps being shy after you've been frank about it. Sounds like he could be a loyal guy once he invests in a relationship.
Author ScienceGal Posted December 23, 2015 Author Posted December 23, 2015 Thanks, Sunlight. I'm afraid there are no more chances though. He's gone. During our last date, I even said it would be nice if we kissed. We were in public, so it wasn't going to happen right there, but I was hoping it would that night. Instead, it was the same chit chat in my driveway and a hug goodbye. I honestly think he is emotionally unavailable for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Breaks my heart though, because I know he is a good man and I wish he would've given me a real chance. 1
Peachland Posted December 23, 2015 Posted December 23, 2015 We both went almost a week without getting in touch, and since I am not good with loose ends, I decided to message that I was sorry I hadn't been in touch, but that I didn't feel good after our last date and didn't know what else to say. He responded to ask if I meant I felt sick. I clarified, no, I felt like I couldn't connect. It just felt cold. And since he hadn't been in touch either, should we just stop trying? I got no response. I waited 2 days and sent a final message saying I officially give up, have no hard feelings and truly wish him all the best (included a smiley face). I regret the last message, but it is what it is. That was just over 2 weeks ago. I did no finger pointing through all of this, and never even used the word "you", as to not make him feel attacked.. I was very kind and deliberate in my word choice. Still, crickets. He is coming off as rude with some major communication problems. It's for the best. Next time go with your gut and move on sooner. A guy who is interested will show it. I learned the hard way too. 1
Sunlight72 Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 Thanks for coming back for the update - somehow I did not see that you had called it off, and this thread was started 6 weeks back. Sorry. Yep, it's maybe too bad, but also maybe fortunate you didn't invest more if he wasn't going to live at your pace. Best Wishes, Sunlight 1
katiegrl Posted December 24, 2015 Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Don't beat yourself up about this.... you did the right thing. He sounds completely clueless and literally incapable of connecting or even know what connecting with someone means! I mean when you asked him if you were friends or dating, he responds with "what's the difference"? Seriously? Then when you told him you weren't feeling good after your last date ..... did he really think you meant you were physically sick? I think he did... and then after you told him no...that you felt a disconnect....he had NO idea what you were talking about. Sounds to me like he suffers from some sort of autism, like maybe Asperger's... Edited December 24, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author ScienceGal Posted December 24, 2015 Author Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) Thanks, Katie. I actually think he does know better, but chose to keep me at arms length. The moment i made it clear I want more than simple companionship, he shut down because he's too scared to be open and be vulnerable. I'm also happy to say that I told him a few dates before our last that I understand where he is coming from in terms of being hurt and let down in the past, but he might miss out on a great catch if he isn't willing to take a risk. That I've been hurt too, but I still show up and give 100% because that's the only way a relationship will ever work. I communicated very well with him. There's nothing more I wish I would've said. So, I'll keep moving on. Edited December 24, 2015 by ScienceGal 1
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