ScienceGal Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I've been dating a new guy. We have gotten together six times over the past three weeks. We're comfortable and relaxed around each other and talk about anything. Each date ends the same way though, with a hug. I wasn't sure if he is just shy, being a gentleman, waiting for me to take the lead, or flat out not interested. I had to say something, so this last time, I told him I was having a hard time determining if we're dating or just friends. He replied, "what's the difference"? Apparently, he was friends with his ex for months before it actually turned into a relationship. I said that's a lot longer than I am used to, and I don't think I could wait that long if I was interested in someone. I made it clear that I am looking for someone who wants to date me (we are both looking for an LTR and to settle down). I told him that I have more than friendly feelings for him and am not dating anyone else, but am now wondering if I should be. I said that I am not against taking things slowly, but if he has no understanding of whether he has romantic interests yet, then the every day messaging isn't really appropriate. He said he is not seeing anyone else either and could see this turning in to more than friendship. I left on good terms, but feeling confused. We are both very busy people and there is no way he's looking to be just friends. He has told the person who introduced us that he likes me a lot. This laid back, taking it slow routine is not one I've encountered before though. What is his deal? He did get in touch last night to see how my day went. I replied and asked about his day, but it was very brief. I was told that he takes things slowly in order to really get to know someone (since he's been very hurt in the past). This isn't necessarily bad, but only when both people are on the same page. We have to be in agreement that we are dating and, really, kissing and cuddling at this point would need to happen. What would you do? Stick around a little longer? Stick around, but also date other people? Or, cut ties and move on altogether? I feel like I've made my wants and intentions clear and am leaning towards the second option. I'm hoping he'll find a little faith and come around. Edited November 7, 2015 by ScienceGal
hippychick3 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Personally, he sounds a bit lukewarm. I think taking things slow and steady is a good thing, but I want the person I'm dating to be attracted to me and show it. I also wouldn't want to waste my time going out as "friends" when I want a relationship. I would assume he wasn't very interested. 4
truth_seeker Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I can tell you if you're not into jumping other person's bones within three weeks of dating, then you're not into them. 6-8 dates with hugs? wtf? You hug your relatives. You make out with the person you're dating. You should move on from this guy. 1
Peachland Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I couldn't continue seeing someone who didn't kiss me by date 4. I would move on. He's doesn't seem interested.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Tell him: "He who deliberates fully before taking each step, will spend his entire life on one leg." You're not prepared to date a flamingo. Either he takes steps towards making this relationship a little more..."Active", or he can do the 'hop~along Cassidy shuffle' on his own. 7
Author ScienceGal Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Tell him: "He who deliberates fully before taking each step, will spend his entire life on one leg." You're not prepared to date a flamingo. Either he takes steps towards making this relationship a little more..."Active", or he can do the 'hop~along Cassidy shuffle' on his own. Oh my goodness, yes! Love the quote.
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Oh my goodness, yes! Love the quote. And your signature's not bad either..... 1
todreaminblue Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 i think it really depends on how you feel about him.....if you feel there's more or how lukewarm you are about him....most relationships that work are paced on the slowest moving person not the fastest and how fast that slower moving person is willing to go... for me if i really liked the guy i would be patient.....but then i go by the pace the person i am really interested in sets......but with that in mind.... physical intimacy for me has strict boundaries..... do what you feel is best...talk to him be honest see if you can meet him half way in the pace thing...good luck..deb 1
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Thanks, Deb. I do like him, so I will give him some time to think about what I said. I am not going to wait long though. I'll give him another week to ask me out again, and if he does, it better end with at least a little kiss and some verbal reassurance on his part. If that doesn't happen, I will be looking to date other guys. 1
Zippy2000 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I've been dating a new guy. We have gotten together six times over the past three weeks. We're comfortable and relaxed around each other and talk about anything. Each date ends the same way though, with a hug. I wasn't sure if he is just shy, being a gentleman, waiting for me to take the lead, or flat out not interested. I had to say something, so this last time, I told him I was having a hard time determining if we're dating or just friends. He replied, "what's the difference"? Apparently, he was friends with his ex for months before it actually turned into a relationship. I said that's a lot longer than I am used to, and I don't think I could wait that long if I was interested in someone. I made it clear that I am looking for someone who wants to date me (we are both looking for an LTR and to settle down). I told him that I have more than friendly feelings for him and am not dating anyone else, but am now wondering if I should be. I said that I am not against taking things slowly, but if he has no understanding of whether he has romantic interests yet, then the every day messaging isn't really appropriate. He said he is not seeing anyone else either and could see this turning in to more than friendship. I left on good terms, but feeling confused. We are both very busy people and there is no way he's looking to be just friends. He has told the person who introduced us that he likes me a lot. This laid back, taking it slow routine is not one I've encountered before though. What is his deal? He did get in touch last night to see how my day went. I replied and asked about his day, but it was very brief. I was told that he takes things slowly in order to really get to know someone (since he's been very hurt in the past). This isn't necessarily bad, but only when both people are on the same page. We have to be in agreement that we are dating and, really, kissing and cuddling at this point would need to happen. What would you do? Stick around a little longer? Stick around, but also date other people? Or, cut ties and move on altogether? I feel like I've made my wants and intentions clear and am leaning towards the second option. I'm hoping he'll find a little faith and come around. By jings! Its only been 3 weeks. Whast the rush. Why are you even questioning this so early? It takes time for a relationship to blossom. Its like you want it all within 4 weeks. Why dont you make some moves like kiss him. If you want more. Do something and dont leave it to him. Some of us men dont know the relationship path or map you know. 3
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 By jings! Its only been 3 weeks. Whast the rush. Why are you even questioning this so early? It takes time for a relationship to blossom. Its like you want it all within 4 weeks. Why dont you make some moves like kiss him. If you want more. Do something and dont leave it to him. Some of us men dont know the relationship path or map you know. I made it clear that I have more than friend feelings for him. He was caught off guard and didn't really know what to say, I am understanding of that. That is not a green light to go ahead and plant one on him though. I really do feel the ball is in his court now and it's his responsibility to decide whether he wants to date me or not, and to let me know. I don't want it all in 4 weeks, I just want to be spending my time with a guy who has a genuine interest in dating me.
Zippy2000 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I made it clear that I have more than friend feelings for him. He was caught off guard and didn't really know what to say, I am understanding of that. That is not a green light to go ahead and plant one on him though. I really do feel the ball is in his court now and it's his responsibility to decide whether he wants to date me or not, and to let me know. Of course its a green light. Why not take a risk and come out of your comfort zone. If we didnt take risks in asking people out or doing things. No one would be in any relationship. Just do it or do you want to be friends forever and nothing ever happens and your asking questions on a forum what to do months down the line. Your choice.
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I'm not following.. how are you seeing any of this as a green light to kiss him?
Zippy2000 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) I've been dating a new guy. We have gotten together six times over the past three weeks. We're comfortable and relaxed around each other and talk about anything. Each date ends the same way though, with a hug. I wasn't sure if he is just shy, being a gentleman, waiting for me to take the lead Each date ends in a hug. You need to ramp it up and YOU take the lead for a change. Some men need a green light for us to pursue. If you leave it any longer the window of attraction/opportunity will close and you will become friend zoned. Edited November 8, 2015 by Zippy2000 1
joseb Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I'm not following.. how are you seeing any of this as a green light to kiss him? Why do you need a green light? Just go for it If I was to wait for some magical green light to kiss someone, I'd be doing a lot of waiting. If he doesn't kiss back, then I'd say you know he just sees you as friends (which is kinda what it sounds like) 1
Zippy2000 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Why do you need a green light? Just go for it If I was to wait for some magical green light to kiss someone, I'd be doing a lot of waiting. If he doesn't kiss back, then I'd say you know he just sees you as friends (which is kinda what it sounds like) Exactly, Joseb! Just do it and if he doesnt reciprocate then you have your answer.......You can move on!!
Myragal Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Good grief. I've never had a man not want to kiss me after the first date. There is NO WAY I'd go on an even a third date with this guy. I would want passionate all night sex by the sixth date...nothing less. By then we'd be 100% fully committed to each other: a couple. What will happen on the 7th date that wasn't present on the 5th or 6 th? Took him by surprise? Is he a MAN. By the end of our first date I want my man to have nothing on his mind but my body...wanting me. A well adjusted healthy male is respectful, intelligent, kind, etc. AND a sexual beast. We will not have sex that early but I certainly expect him to lust after me. 2
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) Good grief. I've never had a man not want to kiss me after the first date. There is NO WAY I'd go on an even a third date with this guy. I would want passionate all night sex by the sixth date...nothing less. By then we'd be 100% fully committed to each other: a couple. What will happen on the 7th date that wasn't present on the 5th or 6 th? Took him by surprise? Is he a MAN. By the end of our first date I want my man to have nothing on his mind but my body...wanting me. A well adjusted healthy male is respectful, intelligent, kind, etc. AND a sexual beast. We will not have sex that early but I certainly expect him to lust after me. Well, thank you for this! There really is nothing more powerful than knowing someone wants me. And, I'd reciprocate the feelings of course. That's really it (I realize I am not taking such a strong stance as you). You can like someone, be mildly interested, or you can really want them. The kicker is, if you do really want them, are you willing to let go of any insecurities and just go for it? I feel like I did (verbally, since I have no real idea what's going on). I've stepped up and made the first physical move in previous relationships, but the signs were there a lot more than they've been in this situation. I'm not a selfie person (the word even makes me cringe), but I decided, what the heck, I had gotten a little dolled up last night so I took one and made it my photo on a social media account. He messaged me tonight (he worked 12+ hours today) asking what I was doing, and when I had taken the photo. He said I look really nice and he likes my hair in it. So... I'm thinking he really is interested in more than friendship, but slow/hesitant for whatever reason. I guess if we actually get together again I can try to be more forward physically? I just want a kiss. Like, really want to kiss him. I should just do it! Edited November 8, 2015 by ScienceGal 2
Simon Phoenix Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Yes, try to kiss him. If you want a kiss, then go for the kiss. This isn't rocket science. If he pulls back, you have your answer. But like I've told you in another thread, it's not against the law for the girl to kiss the guy. In fact, we enjoy it. 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Well, thank you for this! There really is nothing more powerful than knowing someone wants me. And, I'd reciprocate the feelings of course. That's really it (I realize I am not taking such a strong stance as you). You can like someone, be mildly interested, or you can really want them. The kicker is, if you do really want them, are you willing to let go of any insecurities and just go for it? I feel like I did (verbally, since I have no real idea what's going on). I've stepped up and made the first physical move in previous relationships, but the signs were there a lot more than they've been in this situation. I'm not a selfie person (the word even makes me cringe), but I decided, what the heck, I had gotten a little dolled up last night so I took one and made it my photo on a social media account. He messaged me tonight (he worked 12+ hours today) asking what I was doing, and when I had taken the photo. He said I look really nice and he likes my hair in it. So... I'm thinking he really is interested in more than friendship, but slow/hesitant for whatever reason. I guess if we actually get together again I can try to be more forward physically? I just want a kiss. Like, really want to kiss him. I should just do it! I don't feel he has wild attraction or chemistry for you, but he certainly seems to find you attractive! Look, my boyfriend is a MAJOR introvert. What's more, be was instantly attracted to me and there was so mucb chemistry that he acted like a shy school boy........ He almost let me go. He was that scared he almost chickened out.... And in fact, he took hours on the first date just to kiss me. He was sweating for over an hour (where he wanted to kiss me very badly yet couldn't move! ) So, even the most painfully introverted man that I've ever met managed to make moves on me.... I ALSO felt worried that he wasn't attracted to me? Because we would just make out and on the third date I wanted it to escalate. I told him that. Be soon pounced me:love: It took two weeks to have sex....he even went to the sex shop to get viagra (LOL) because he was so nervous about our first time! I am very baffled that he hasn't even kissed you yet!
Siquijor Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Someone who can't tell the difference between dating and friendship can't be taken seriously. 2
Chahy377 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) When I was reading your post, all I could think of was the alternative. A guy that burns hotly, leads you on only to discover that his feelings weren't actually there or he didn't care about you at all. All of that intimacy, kissing, etc can lead to assumptions and can get you involved deeper with someone who might not be as into you as you think. I actually admire him for taking things slowly and not jumping into intimacy (kissing etc) it shows that he has respect for you and is really trying to see if there is a connection or if this is worthwhile. Compared to the men I have encountered that jump right in and then leave you fast and dry, I definitely admire this approach your guy is taking. So I would continue with the way things are....he's not asking to much from you so I would just go with it and date other people in the meantime. Edited November 8, 2015 by Chahy377 1
Myragal Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 When I was reading your post, all I could think of was the alternative. A guy that burns hotly, leads you on only to discover that his feelings weren't actually there or he didn't care about you at all. All of that intimacy, kissing, etc can lead to assumptions and can get you involved deeper with someone who might not be as into you as you think. I actually admire him for taking things slowly and not jumping into intimacy (kissing etc) it shows that he has respect for you and is really trying to see if there is a connection or if this is worthwhile. Compared to the men I have encountered that jump right in and then leave you fast and dry, I definitely admire this approach your guy is taking. So I would continue with the way things are....he's not asking to much from you so I would just go with it and date other people in the meantime. You think your last line is a positive? Not asking much? I want my man to ask everything from me. Climb a mountain and slay a dragon because our relationship is the most important goal in the Universe.
Chahy377 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) You think your last line is a positive? Not asking much? I want my man to ask everything from me. Climb a mountain and slay a dragon because our relationship is the most important goal in the Universe. Of course....that should be expected when you are in a relationship or when the level of dating has gotten to that point....what I meant is that he's not asking you for sex, intimacy, kissing, to support him etc....he's just asking your for the time and opportunity to get to know you. Most importantly, he's not leading you on...that was my point. When your relationship advances then you can definitely expect those things....but you are nowhere close to having those expectations yet. That's all I was saying. Again...this is someone who is willing to spend the time to truly get to know YOU before jumping in...i was just saying that isn't necessarily a bad thing. But hey, if that's not what you want, then date others that go the speed that you like!!! Edited November 8, 2015 by Chahy377 1
Author ScienceGal Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Thanks, everyone. If someone doesn't want to kiss me after a few weeks and 6+ dates, that's a red flag for me, personally. If he is interested in more than friendship, he should want to kiss me. This isn't our first rodeo, we're both experienced adults. Everyone who told me to go for it is right. It will be giving him the benefit of the doubt, and I will get my answer. After that, I don't need to hop in the sack anytime soon. Honestly, I've found sex is the easiest part of a relationship. I do want to take it slow and get to know him, but we must break through the platonic level we're at. We must develop some chemistry and intimacy. Cuddling and kissing is not too much to ask for.
Recommended Posts