Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I am 8 months pregnant with an alcoholic b/f who I am planning on leaving after our daughter is born. We are going thru counseling and I am doing my part and he isn't doing his although in every single session he swears he will quit drinking, or go to AA, his Bipolar meetings something and dosent. Today he told me that after we get back from our weekend trip to Seaworld that he will be going on a boat with 3 of his buds and hitting the island bars. Now yes he is paying for the Seaworld trip, and is throwing that in my face so he can go. Please tell me if I am out of line for being upset if he is going, I don't trust my hormones these days and this "guys trip" is the reason for my daily flip out. But my POV is 1st we're going to Seaworld witch can be expensive especially since we are having a baby in 1 month. 2nd he is supposed to stop drinking, 3rd he is going to spend a fortune 4th I don't trust him right now because we haven't had sex in over 6 months witch he blames on me being pregnant. So I am being a Bitch by making a big deal out of it? I am usually not the type to care but I am 8 months pregnant dammit!! I don't think it is approiprate, please inform me if I am wrong
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 You are not wrong. He is giving you empty promises, sorry to say. Do you have family close by? While he's gone I would seriously consider leaving him. He isn't going to change. If he somwhere down the road makes those changes he's been promising to do, THEN reconsider the relationship. Right now his priorities are very screwed up. Sorry that you have to have this stress during your last month. You don't need it!
JadeStar Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Even though you might be pregnant and your hormones may be a little out of whack, has nothing to do with his drinking problem. If hes not willing to try and get help or stop for himself and for you and this baby, I think its wise to cut him loose. You don't need the agrivation of a alcoholic, especailly with a new baby. Plus its not a good enviornment to raise your child in. Jade
tiki Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 He's acting like a scumbag. He outta know better. And on top of that, he's still acting like he's seventeen.
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 I know he's 36 years old, I would have thought he would grow the F up by now
melina Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 It's probably written in a post somewhere but how did he react when he found out you were pregnant? Was the baby planned? Has he ever mentioned getting married to you? Your relationship just sounds so perfect and I know exactly how much it affects your whole life and everything you do! It is so easy to say but we are all better off alone than being with someone unpredictable who causes us pain. In the end it always proves to be the right thing to do to leave these idiots and move on. You're so young and denying yourself a happy relationship, engagement, lovely wedding and a peaceful pregnancy and most of all lots of love and stability in your life! My ex-boyfriend sounds just like yours. I finally finally broke up with him four years ago. Found a really lovely guy and now we are engaged. Things aren't always perfect but I can say 100% that I am happy and trust him and look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. Be strong - look at your guy very closely - and if your gut tells you so - LEAVE. He won't change.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Hes an alcoholic. They DONT grow up,...........EVER. Until they stop drinking. Im one of them. Im sober now, and Im still immature and Ive been sober for over a YEAR !! They told me in AA that alkies pretty much stop maturing when they get to the point where they are considered full blown alcoholics. So if that age is 17 and you drink til age 40,....you are sober but you are a 40 yr old with mindset of a 17 yr old. You slowly gain the maturity ground you lost,...but that takes a while. This guy lies to you to get you to SHUT UP. Thats what drunks do. He will tell you, the counselor,...his own mother even,...whatever he thinks you want to hear. "Ill stop drinking"....he never ever means it. Sounds like this guy is the type of drunk who needs a LOW BOTTOM. Something bad has to happen in his life for him to see that his boozing has consequences. Loss of YOU,...his JOB,...his KIDS....maybe he runs someone over while drinking and driving....who knows...but that sounds like that what its going to take. Alcoholics need negative consequences due to their drinking in order to quit or else they can justify that "If Im not in any trouble,...then I must not have a problem" Anyways,..............no,...you are NOT in the wrong here. He is a selfish bastard who needs help. You should leave him in my opinion .....post haste!!
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Thank Scarley jones you really put that very well, it makes perfect sense. I was told by our councler to go to Alanon but I am just not ready to do that yet
tiki Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Stone I was told by our councler to go to Alanon but I am just not ready to do that yet Oh Heather....you've got to do something. I mean, really. He's an alcoholic, for sure? You cannot live your life like this. My dad is one year clean. He had to be hauled off to rehab in another state. He almost lost his entire family, his life, his house, his health, his wife. He was driving around town drunk, "helping" with taking his grandchild (my sister's son) to the doctor. He kept bottles of whiskey in his office desk drawer and would constantly be drunk, even during work hours. Does Greg do this because he 'cannot handle life'?
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 I don't know why he does it he is Bi Polor and will always blame it on that. I tried to beat him up last night... BIG MISTAKE he let me whale on him then I cried myself to sleep. That doesn't usually happen but I had to drag his arse out of a bar pregnant and I lost it. I would like to leave him but it's near impossible at this time, I am having a baby in 5 weeks, I can't support myself for atleast 3 months. I'm friggin stuck I would like him to change but I am starting to realize that he won't sometimes he will quit drinking for 5-10 days and things are wonderful then he will just start drinking again and hanging out with his stupid idot drunk loser friend so I get skrewed all over again.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 hmmmmm.......what exactly do you mean you "arent ready" to go to alanon? The answer to a better life could very well be waiting and all it takes is one hour a week. How could you not be ready for THAT? I think you should go. I mean,....you think HE needs AA, right? If he told you he wasnt ready.........you'd be thinking "Yeah, right,...whatever alkie" Right? His would just come off as an excuse, right? Well the same can be said for people who say that about alanon. My parents said that for the longest time. They finally went.........and now they say all the time "I wish I went to alanon a long time ago"
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 The reason I say I am not ready is because I guess I am just being selfish, I am ready to pop out a baby and his alcholic problem just consumes my life so much that I am so ready to throw in the towel and tell him to drown in a draft beer. I don't want to spend anymore time, anger, or tears on his problem. I am not the one with the problem he is. I could see going to Alanon if he went to AA but he refuses so I just don't see the point. If I need to go to any meeting it should be "Co Dependant no more". Ahh maby I'll check into it this week and just see what they have to say, I just feel that me going to Alanon will just give me hope for a relationship where there is none.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 ANYone can quit drinking for 4 or 5 days. Thats called "drying out". Staying sober and working on lifes other problems is called "sobriety" Simply not drinking but being the same azzhole and NOT seeking answers to WHY you drank in the first place is called being a "Dry-Drunk". Your not drinking,...but your not SOBER. I tried pouring coca cola or pepsi in empty beer bottles to "get the drinking feeling" of a beer bottle in my hand..... just with no actual booze. I ALWAYS went back to beer. Then whiskey. A gallon of whiskey A DAY !!!. My heart stopped in the ER for 47 seconds. I had severe DT's. Saw things. Heard orchestra music that wasnt there. Had seizures in public and Im not even prone to seizures. This is alcoholism. Not a FORM of it. All drunks will eventually go through these things without help. I came to finally realize that I needed to learn to WANT to not have the "feeling" of a bottle in my hand. I had to learn to be able to picture a life without booze. I had to address lifes problems that led me to drink. The actual booze is only a SYMPTOM of the disease. If you put your hand on the stove and get burned,......thats one thing,...but if you KEEP putting your hand back on the stove,...THATS WHAT YOU NEED TO ADDRESS. The "WHY". Why you keep putting your hand back on that damn stove. Then and only then will he illiminate the compulsion to drink. Otherwise,...he will always be white-knuckling it and always fall off the "wagon". And hitting him,...that only makes it worse. That only gives him more "lifes crap" to drink over. Its the famous drunks phrase "I'll show you,......Ill hurt me" way of thinking.
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Thanks Scarley you have truley been such a great help
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 I should probably cancel the Seaworld trip and tell him where to go, but my mother is comming and I don't even want to go there with her, plus my son is so excited about it I don't want to burden them with our crap.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Wait a minute. Hes going with you to seaworld? Then ditching you to go drinking with his loser friend? If thats the case,....tell him HE cant go. You take your vacation with you,...you child and your mom and leave his drunk azz home.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Oh by the way,..........alanon was originally designed for people with alcoholic loved ones who were STILL drinking. You dont wait til they stop drinking. ALanon is for YOU. Nothing to do with him. Even if he left and you never saw him again,..you would still need to go. You are damaged. Alanon is repair.
Author Stone Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 I am going to go, I will call today It's my 5 year olds Birthday that's why we are going to Seaworld
FolderWife Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Aw honey I'm sorry that you're going through this mess with him at such a sensitive time in your life
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by Monday Aw honey I'm sorry that you're going through this mess with him at such a sensitive time in your life Thats a good point. You're pregnant. You need low levels of stress in your life right now. This loser is the last thing you need.
hotgurl Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 stone, i hate to say this but It willbe earsier to leave now than when the baby is born. Do you have anyone to stay with? I wish I left my ex when I was pregnant but no I waited and then it took me three more years to leave. The stress os having a newborn is unbleavable but it is also a joy and he ruined that joy with his bs because I had to deal with it. I hate him for that. Leave now. After my daughter was born she became a tool for him to scare me with ie. if you leave I'll take off with her etc.
scarlyjones Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 out-frickin-standing point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DONOT let that loser USE your child as leverage.
blind_otter Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 Heather I love you to bits, we were preggo buddies for a few months - I really empathize with you. I've seen you suffering because of Greg so many times....you have every right to be pissed at him, because he is simply saying what he thinks you want to hear to placate you. I doubt he really has plans to follow through if he can so cavalierly promise one minute to go to AA, and then announce a drinking trip with his buddies the next! You stayed with your mom when you left before...could you stya with her again?
Author Stone Posted June 8, 2005 Author Posted June 8, 2005 I went to Alanon and learned all about "DETACHMENT" so I have detached myself from him. I come home whenever I want, don't nag about him drinking and emotionally not taking his crap anymore. Now he is freaking out go fuigure. I have been at my mom's a few nights a week, but I won't leave my home, I won't let my son live out of a suitcase. In counceling I stated that I am finished trying in this relationship and we agreed to "co habitate" untill Sep after the baby is born and ready for Daycare so I can work, I am sticking to it and put my foot down
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