kentuckynocturne Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Last year, I started dating someone who was very new to the area. She was in a long-distance relationship with someone overseas, which had been an on-again, off-again thing for a few years. After a couple months of us hanging out a lot, she broke things off with him. Not only was she new to the area, and coming out of a long-term, long-distance relationship, but she was working in a very demanding and time-intensive apprenticeship the entire time that we were together. We had largely incompatible schedules and she was struggling emotionally with all of this throughout the year. We dated for roughly 8 months before things came to a head and we broke up. Ultimately, I am rooted where I live and am looking for a relationship with someone who can be present in a relationship, have fun, make plans and not have one foot out the door. If all that's working, I'd like to be able to see a future in it. Since we broke up last November, we'd spent several months apart at a time, talking little, and seeing one another even less, if at all. In the spring, we started hanging out again and all of the same strong feelings for one another resurfaced. We fell back into old habits. And it was good. I found that I wanted to give it another shot. But ultimately, she wasn't ready. And so we had months of space once again. We recently got back together and for the first time, we have a really nice balance happening. We spend the night together 4 or 5 times a week, we go to social events together, we're having lots of really fun and healthy sex and we're generally just getting along really well. She feels present in a way I haven't felt from her before. We make food together, we have really rewarding conversations, we laugh a lot, we go on hikes and picnics. One key distinction between our relationship now and last year is that we aren't trying to decide anything. Whereas last year (and during/after the break up) we spent a lot of time talking about what each of us wants and whether or not we should be together. We're not really doing that this time. We talk about serious things and have really great conversations but we are making a somewhat conscious effort to not ANALYZE the relationship. The reason is this: my girlfriend has a propensity for getting so wrapped up in THINKING about her relationships (romantic or otherwise), and all of the emotions that are wrapped up in them, that she has a very hard time acting according to what she wants/needs. What's more, is that she feels especially responsible for others feelings and so the result is that she often ends up stuck in some limbo. One foot in the door, the other out. One foot in a past relationship, the other in a new one. She has a very hard time letting go and allowing herself to move forward toward the things that she wants/needs. (These are her words, not mine). All of that said, certain things remain the same: She still hasn't really let go of her last boyfriend (who still lives overseas). She still feels overly-responsible for the well-being of others in her life, to the extent that she holds herself back (her words). So here's what I'm looking for advice on: I feel like our de-facto decision to NOT ANALYZE our relationship and instead to act in accordance with our feelings for one another is working out really well. As I say, the balance feels pretty great right now. But I do feel like there's an elephant in the room—commitment. It's what I'm looking for ultimately. And, to be clear, I don't feel like I need a life-partner RIGHT NOW, but I know that that is what I'm looking for. I want to at least see that as a possibility. And she says that's what she wants as well. She wants a family. I'm 30, she's 35. So there are some biological and time factors there as well. So should we HAVE the conversation about "what we are doing" and "where is this going", etc... and risk messing up the good thing we have going, or do we just roll with it? My thought/hope was that if there wasn't some inherent pressure assigned to our spending time together—some pressure for her to DECIDE about her whole future (which was sort of a thing that was going on last year), then after several months of being together in a really fun, easy, fulfilling way, the answer would be a little more clear to her. Am I rationalizing? Does this sound like a reasonable hope/assumption? Is there a way to not IGNORE the larger issue of commitment without getting bogged down by questions/concerns/insecurities that could ultimately sabotage a really good thing? This is the first time I've been in love in 4 years and I'm trying to give it as fair a chance as I can. Any constructive thoughts would be super appreciated. Thanks!
Glitters Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Roll with it. Go with your feelings.Let them develop.You both want same things,so whats the problem? The talk ? Most times, the talk fails if done at the wrong time. Timing is everything.
Recommended Posts