Goodbye Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I filed for divorce in 2010. Because of various issues, custody and division of a business, we were not actually divorced until 2014. We've been separated since 2011. ExH appealed the ruling in our divorce regarding the finances and it goes before the supreme court starting next week. Probably some time in 2016 this litigation hell will be concluded. In the end our marriage turned very bad. ExH went off with much younger woman, had issues with our daughters and eventually lost custody of them. I have so much anger. So much anger, that I forgot that at one point I really did love him. I loved the man with whom I had 3 daughters. We were married for almost 20 years...12 of them up and down, the rest pretty bad. I thought because things got SO bad, there wouldn't be grief involved...real grief. I knew I was sad about being in my 40's and alone. I knew I was sad that my couple of attempts at relationships post-divorce failed. But, I never knew I missed SOME parts of my exH...there was a reason we got married back in '94, and it was because we had hope. Last night we had an unusually warm November eve. It was balmy...semi tropical really. The air smelled familiar. I was suddenly mentally transported back to the beginning of my marriage when I traveled with the exH to Bermuda and Antigua. Tears began to come out of nowhere. I still live in the marital home and looking at my backyard, where my girls (now all older teens) grew up playing...I had hope I'd grow old and raise the girls together with him. Now I have sole custody and they have limited contact with him. Such a shift. Surreal even though it happened over a long period of time. This grief made me realize I have more work to do on my self before I look for another relationship. Which sucks. It was easier just to hate my exH. Complicated grief. I didn't like the feeling of crying over him after all this time. I miss the comfort of someone really knowing me. I don't miss the animosity or controlling behavior. Anyway, if anyone is reading this. Thank you. 5
StBreton Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Going through a lot of the same things here ... you're not alone. Hugs. 1
sweetwhispers Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I too am grieving over the loss of my marriage and the loss of the future I imagined. I am hoping it will ease some in the near future....I Edited November 7, 2015 by sweetwhispers 1
whichwayisup Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 It wasn't your goal (nor his) to end up divorced. You two planned a life together, had a family so of course it's going to hit you once in a while.. It is a loss, one that had to happen but still it's a change that affected each one of you. It is a like a death of a life you once had and now it's gone. Sounds like you're grieving in a healthy way though! Hope tomorrow is a better day. 1
Carriages Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Your marriage and timeline sounds like a carbon copy of my own. My marriage also produced three girls, and I know my ex wife is grieving the loss of her planned future just like you are. And I am too - even though I am the one who has initiated the separation and pushed forward with it. The pain and grief absolutely sucks. It's visceral, deep and real. But here's the thing. I know myself (and I suspect this is true of you also) that I am grieving the loss of the dream of what I had, rather than what I actually did have. I stayed in my marriage for as long as I did thinking one day things would just click, it would all gel, we'd be happy and loving. The reality however was a continual stream of passive aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, unhappy children and a constant feeling of the marriage being a weight, rather than place to feel safe in. And under all this awful grief, I can see a new "me" slowly being born - one that is healthier, kinder, more honest and authentic. That can only be a good thing. Sit with the grief, and hang in there. 2
Author Goodbye Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 Your marriage and timeline sounds like a carbon copy of my own. My marriage also produced three girls, and I know my ex wife is grieving the loss of her planned future just like you are. And I am too - even though I am the one who has initiated the separation and pushed forward with it. The pain and grief absolutely sucks. It's visceral, deep and real. But here's the thing. I know myself (and I suspect this is true of you also) that I am grieving the loss of the dream of what I had, rather than what I actually did have. I stayed in my marriage for as long as I did thinking one day things would just click, it would all gel, we'd be happy and loving. The reality however was a continual stream of passive aggressiveness, lack of intimacy, unhappy children and a constant feeling of the marriage being a weight, rather than place to feel safe in. And under all this awful grief, I can see a new "me" slowly being born - one that is healthier, kinder, more honest and authentic. That can only be a good thing. Sit with the grief, and hang in there. Yes, 100% grieving the loss of a dream. Grieving the loss of what I grew up wanting. But, in reality the relationship was unlivable. I am in a much better place now, even though it does not feel that way at times. I'd rather be alone, than lonely in a bad marriage, if that makes sense.
chapter44 Posted November 13, 2015 Posted November 13, 2015 I filed for divorce in 2010. Because of various issues, custody and division of a business, we were not actually divorced until 2014. We've been separated since 2011. ExH appealed the ruling in our divorce regarding the finances and it goes before the supreme court starting next week. Probably some time in 2016 this litigation hell will be concluded. In the end our marriage turned very bad. ExH went off with much younger woman, had issues with our daughters and eventually lost custody of them. I have so much anger. So much anger, that I forgot that at one point I really did love him. I loved the man with whom I had 3 daughters. We were married for almost 20 years...12 of them up and down, the rest pretty bad. I thought because things got SO bad, there wouldn't be grief involved...real grief. I knew I was sad about being in my 40's and alone. I knew I was sad that my couple of attempts at relationships post-divorce failed. But, I never knew I missed SOME parts of my exH...there was a reason we got married back in '94, and it was because we had hope. Last night we had an unusually warm November eve. It was balmy...semi tropical really. The air smelled familiar. I was suddenly mentally transported back to the beginning of my marriage when I traveled with the exH to Bermuda and Antigua. Tears began to come out of nowhere. I still live in the marital home and looking at my backyard, where my girls (now all older teens) grew up playing...I had hope I'd grow old and raise the girls together with him. Now I have sole custody and they have limited contact with him. Such a shift. Surreal even though it happened over a long period of time. This grief made me realize I have more work to do on my self before I look for another relationship. Which sucks. It was easier just to hate my exH. Complicated grief. I didn't like the feeling of crying over him after all this time. I miss the comfort of someone really knowing me. I don't miss the animosity or controlling behavior. Anyway, if anyone is reading this. Thank you. Goodbye: What a powerful thread. Thank you for sharing in such an honest and articulate way. I think the hardest thing for me is letting go of the hope and the dreams I had of how my life with my ex would be. As in any relationship/marriage you shared things with that person that you will never share with anyone else and when that dream fades there is always sadness. Most days I am happy and content. I live a full life and I am busy but every so often I find myself exactly how you describe in this post. It's the little things, wanting to share the excitement when something good happens or her advice when I'm struggling with something. The things that only time and experience with another person can bring. I get frustrated with myself because part of me feels like I should be done grieving and able to move on seamlessly with someone else who wants an authentic relationship but it's not easy to find that at our age. I think with the holidays right around the corner what things to seem to be magnified but deep down I know that grieving the loss has no specific timetable or limit so I just let it come and embrace it, knowing it will pass. I wish you peace and know that your virtual friends are here for you and that you are not alone. Again thank you for your post and sharing such intimate thoughts with us - it was just what I needed today. 2
Author Goodbye Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Goodbye: What a powerful thread. Thank you for sharing in such an honest and articulate way. I think the hardest thing for me is letting go of the hope and the dreams I had of how my life with my ex would be. As in any relationship/marriage you shared things with that person that you will never share with anyone else and when that dream fades there is always sadness. Most days I am happy and content. I live a full life and I am busy but every so often I find myself exactly how you describe in this post. It's the little things, wanting to share the excitement when something good happens or her advice when I'm struggling with something. The things that only time and experience with another person can bring. I get frustrated with myself because part of me feels like I should be done grieving and able to move on seamlessly with someone else who wants an authentic relationship but it's not easy to find that at our age. I think with the holidays right around the corner what things to seem to be magnified but deep down I know that grieving the loss has no specific timetable or limit so I just let it come and embrace it, knowing it will pass. I wish you peace and know that your virtual friends are here for you and that you are not alone. Again thank you for your post and sharing such intimate thoughts with us - it was just what I needed today. Seeing my exH in court this week made me, once again, realize I am grieving the loss of hope and not of a particular relationship. As far as authentic relationships at our age, I think it is hit or miss. You either find people who are ready and desirous of someone with whom to share life or you find 45+ individuals who are trying to replicate their first go round...from when they were in their 20's. My exH replaced me with a younger me. I realize that what I chose at 24 doesn't work for me now. In fact, I was a pretty poor decision maker in general in my 20's. I try to present myself authentically in hopes of creating authentic relationships. I'm probably scaring people away. 1
chapter44 Posted November 14, 2015 Posted November 14, 2015 I guess we need to let the old hopes die to make room for our new and improved ones:) 1
Author Goodbye Posted November 14, 2015 Author Posted November 14, 2015 Yes, true. It is true what they say about how you need to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else. I'm getting there.
BC1980 Posted November 15, 2015 Posted November 15, 2015 When dealing with my breakup, I realized we can grieve all sorts of things that are tied to the relationship. We can grieve the good parts of a person and what we wished they could have been. We can grieve who we thought they were. I grieved the loss of stability that a relationship can offer. I probably grieved that one thing more than anything else.
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