joseb Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 You sound convinced this man's behaviour is normal so I don't think there is much any of us here can do to assist you. Yeah It's pretty strange to say he is holding off till marriage when you guys have had sex a bit already. Something about him isn't right. 1
Popsicle Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I would be like your boyfriend too. I need my alone time and space and don't want to rush into the being together 24/7 thing, even if I'm super in love and think about them 24/7. It just means he doesn't want to disrupt his level of happiness just yet with the possibility of change. And here's a positive note: My coworker who is in her 50's has this arrangement with her boyfriend. They have been dating for a year and half now. They only see each other on weekends, never on weekdays (but they text or may talk on the phone on the weekdays). They always stick to this plan and they just got used to it and it works for them. They have no distance issues either. My coworker claims that it gives them time to miss each other and be excited when they see each other. But this may work because they are older, both have their own separate established households, social networks, hobbies and lives. I also know another older couple who did this. They both liked it that way. Maybe your boyfriend is like this.
Blanco Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So are the people advocating that OP's boyfriend spend more time with her suggesting he do so at the expense of his own alone time and investment of his other relationships with friends and family? At three months, I think it's perfectly reasonable not to see each other every day or even most days. I think you should WANT to see the person often, but always acting on that urge is a good way to lose yourself quickly in this new relationship and let your attention to your own hobbies and other relationships atrophy. People are different. Some don't need much alone time; others need a fair amount of it. If the OP can't handle that this guy needs alone time, then perhaps she should find someone more suitable for her. However, this guy's interest in the OP shouldn't be questioned based on wanting to maintain alone time and not accelerate the relationship to where seeing each other daily or most days and then staying over is a given. As time goes on, it's natural for the OP to expect more from the relationship. But if this guy has already agreed to be exclusive, then I don't think his interest should be questioned just because he doesn't constantly want her around.
oregon0011 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 If it is me, a significant other is important to me. If I am exclusive, I want them around often. Only 2 nights a week seems odd. If I would rather be without her 5 nights a week, I am guessing 7 would be even better You mean I could be having sex with my girlfriend every night and I would rather not? I would rather be alone? Or hang with my parents? Perhaps not every night, but atleast 5 nights a week.
katiegrl Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 If it is me, a significant other is important to me. If I am exclusive, I want them around often. Only 2 nights a week seems odd. If I would rather be without her 5 nights a week, I am guessing 7 would be even better You mean I could be having sex with my girlfriend every night and I would rather not? I would rather be alone? Or hang with my parents? Perhaps not every night, but atleast 5 nights a week. This makes sense, but if he *were* losing interest and fading, would he not be behaving the same way? How is the OP (or any woman) to know whether he is fading, or if this is just his natural style after the initial phase is over? Him pulling back/cutting off the sex after only three months is concerning too...
katiegrl Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 This makes sense, but if he *were* losing interest and fading, would he not be behaving the same way? How is the OP (or any woman) to know whether he is fading, or if this is just his natural style after the initial phase is over? Him pulling back/cutting off the sex after only three months is concerning too... Sorry this post ^^ was in response to Blanco's post no. 28....
oregon0011 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 This makes sense, but if he *were* losing interest and fading, would he not be behaving the same way? How is the OP (or any woman) to know whether he is fading, or if this is just his natural style after the initial phase is over? Him pulling back/cutting off the sex after only three months is concerning too... Well, the woman has the power here.. I mean all she has to do is say "Look, I really like you, and am glad we are exclusive. But I am not satisfied with seeing a guy once or twice a week. I will still date you, but will also see others on my free nights" I am guessing you can tell by his reaction how he would feel at that point.
Els Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So are the people advocating that OP's boyfriend spend more time with her suggesting he do so at the expense of his own alone time and investment of his other relationships with friends and family? At three months, I think it's perfectly reasonable not to see each other every day or even most days. I think you should WANT to see the person often, but always acting on that urge is a good way to lose yourself quickly in this new relationship and let your attention to your own hobbies and other relationships atrophy. People are different. Some don't need much alone time; others need a fair amount of it. If the OP can't handle that this guy needs alone time, then perhaps she should find someone more suitable for her. However, this guy's interest in the OP shouldn't be questioned based on wanting to maintain alone time and not accelerate the relationship to where seeing each other daily or most days and then staying over is a given. As time goes on, it's natural for the OP to expect more from the relationship. But if this guy has already agreed to be exclusive, then I don't think his interest should be questioned just because he doesn't constantly want her around. There is a huge difference between 'needing some alone time' and 'your gf of 3 months can NEVER sleep over'. I'm not seeing how sleeping together sometimes is going to come 'at the expense of his friends and family' - unless he usually sleeps with them, which would be an even bigger problem... 2
beach Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 We are already exclusive. He is 31 and has told me he wants to settle down. You really need to know what this means. Does it mean if you keep seeing him you never spend the night? If so, is that a deal breaker for you? If you marry are you expected to become Mormon? You need to check into what this means. If he doesn't intend to moe you in then he's not rally thinking marriage yet. If you marry does it mean you have a s a rate bedroom? He is contradicting himself. He already had sex with you but now he intends to wait until marriage? I don't think this guy is believable. He sleeps around - he said other girls don't spend the night either. He's had sex with multiple women - so he doesn't follow his religion at all. You need to know what his religion really means to him. He's wishes washy about it. He may have intimacy issues. He may see another woman? It is odd - but I think he likes being on his own at night to avoid getting close to who he dates.
joseb Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 So are the people advocating that OP's boyfriend spend more time with her suggesting he do so at the expense of his own alone time and investment of his other relationships with friends and family? At three months, I think it's perfectly reasonable not to see each other every day or even most days. I think you should WANT to see the person often, but always acting on that urge is a good way to lose yourself quickly in this new relationship and let your attention to your own hobbies and other relationships atrophy. Well, I actually think twice a week is fine. That's about what I look for in a relationship in the earlier stages. Actually, I'm pretty independent, and would be happy with that full stop For me it's more the never sleeping over, and the pulling back from sex using weird excuses.
Acacia98 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I don't think you and your guy are compatible. First of all, you want more "togetherness" than he does. There's nothing wrong with you wanting more. He's been honest enough to reveal that he has given as much as he's ready to give in that department. Accept that information. Don't be tempted to try to change his mind or to imagine that he's changing for you. Secondly, he's Mormon and you're agnostic. I presume that means he still believes the teachings of his religion, even if he's not quite practicing them (extra-marital sex is a no-no). His desire to pull back from sex is not as weird as people are making it sound. He actually sounds like a religious person (at heart) who is guilty about having sex. And if he's feeling guilty about sex, it's possible that he feels guilty & ashamed about having you over and the possibility that you may ultimately want to move in. You spending the night/moving in would confirm to the outside world (and, more specifically, his family) that he was not living up to the teachings of his religion. And this brings me to what someone else mentioned: You'd better find out where he actually stands as far as religion is concerned and if he's really okay with your agnosticism. He may want the woman he marries to convert to his religion, and he may want to raise his children according to his religion. Your reluctance on either front could lead to a miserable life together. It's not the easiest religion in the world to convert to, especially if you grew up in progressive circumstances and think it's okay to have consensual adult sex outside marriage and especially if you have fluid ideas about who/what God could be and whether or not God even exists. In short, talk to him about his religion. I have a feeling it's the main factor that's setting the tone for your relationship. And do a lot of research (online) about what being a Mormon actually entails. 1
sandylee1 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I think twice a week is fine...it's the quality of the time you spend together that's important. In relation to the sleeping over....... As the female... I've been the one who declines requests to sleepover. Guys always wanted me to stay and in the early stages I wasn't quite ready... so him not wanting that on one of the two nights seems odd. He says he wants to settle down, but is he just saying what he thinks you want to hear.... One minute he has sex with you.....then he wants to wait till marriage. He's all over the place and that's what you should think about. 3 months isn't that long to know him so well....give it another 3 months and see if anything changes. I'd also pull back a bit and see how much contact and making plans to meet that he initiates. See how much he wants to spend time with you without any prompting. When he chooses his alone time...make plans with your friends and get on with enjoying yourself.
Miss Peach Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I think seeing each other 2-3 times per week is fine/normal for 3 months in. I do think it's strange he doesn't want you to sleep over at all and you've had sex and are GF/BF. That to me is a red flag. To me that is as much intimate and vulnerable as sex (maybe more so) so I don't do it until I hit the GF/BF phase. My BF was begging me to stay over at 3 months. I highly recommend looking at Natalie Lue's blog called Baggage Reclaim. She writes a lot about emotional unavailability. I would check to see if any of the other signs are there with your BF.
kismetkismet Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 he's showing definite signs of being emotionally unavailable. It has been my experience that a guy that is that hesitant to let you in at that stage, that they will never really change. My last boyfriend was like that in the beginning a bit, though not quite as bad. He really needed a lot of alone time, and while he liked me to stay over he would often get huffy about me stealing the blankets, or complain that he didn't sleep well with others etc. we DID eventually fall in love and stayed together for a year and a half, but he always had these rigid walls and a fear of someone swooping in and taking over his life. The whole relationship felt strained and lonely.. I stayed because he was a good guy and i knew he loved me, but he could never open up and let me in the way i needed him to. I have a couple of friends that have had similar experiences.. I wouldn't bail right away necessarily... but i think that at the 3 month mark, if he's not opening up and excited to spend more time with you, then he may never get there. It's not WRONG to need space and to not want to hang out terribly often, but it's not what I personally wanted.. I tried to adjust but never could. So think about whether this is something you could handle forever.. what do YOU need? 2
Recommended Posts