rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. I am 28 and he is 31. I really enjoy our company together but i have noticed a few things. First off, he doesn't like me staying over. He said he likes his alone time and sleeps better when girls don't stay, and he doesn't want a girl to stay over a lot and think they are "moving," in. I found this comment a little strange. I have already been married before, and i have always had long term relationships so i am used to spending lots of time with a partner and staying with one often. He seems to like his alone time and we only see each other twice a week. Some days when i know he has the day off and isn't doing anything he doesn't suggest hanging out or has declined seems he wants a day to chill by himself. Am i expecting too much from him and do you think it is possible with time for us to spend more time together and for him to start asking me to stay more? I did stay over one night last week, so i am wondering if he is warming to the idea. Considering he is 31, his longest relationship has only been 10 months. I just feel like the staying over and spending time together is an important part of a relationship to me, and while i don't want to change who he is, it bothers me a little.
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I am sorry to say but this man in content with only casual dating and he is not looking to bond with a woman. If you are looking for a long term relationship you will be wasting your time on this one. 10
Glitters Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 He could be just cautious and doesnt rush in making decisions ? This is the time to get to know each other and you are getting that time.
Author rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I think he has always been this way as he has said girls in the past have gotten upset too when he didn't want them to stay over. I don't want to nag him, but i think he is pretty set in his ways and no girl (especially if he is looking for something serious), will be okay with this. He will have to live with someone if he gets married lol
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I think he has always been this way as he has said girls in the past have gotten upset too when he didn't want them to stay over. I don't want to nag him, but i think he is pretty set in his ways and no girl (especially if he is looking for something serious), will be okay with this. He will have to live with someone if he gets married lol Sweetie, it's been 3 months dating, not 3 weeks. By 3 months if a man doesn't want to sleep next you and only wants a couple of dates a week it's because he's not looking to bond and escalate the relationship. The fact his relationships were all under 11 months should be a given that he fears intimacy. Don't be one of those women who are happy to have a 'boyfriend' and are closing their eyes on all the red flags because they're more into having a boyfriend than they are into finding the right man. 7
ASG Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I agree with other posters. It doesn't seem like he is interested in progressing the relationship. And, like the OP herself said, he seems to be set in his ways. I don't think this will change with time. So if it is something that really bothers you, I'd say this is a lretty big incompatibility and maybe you should look into ending the relationship, as it is unlikely to progress the way you want it to.
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Sweetie, it's been 3 months dating, not 3 weeks. By 3 months if a man doesn't want to sleep next you and only wants a couple of dates a week it's because he's not looking to bond and escalate the relationship. The fact his relationships were all under 11 months should be a given that he fears intimacy. Don't be one of those women who are happy to have a 'boyfriend' and are closing their eyes on all the red flags because they're more into having a boyfriend than they are into finding the right man. I agree for the most part. It depends how often they have been with each other. A date every other week is far different than 3-4 times a week. What we also don't know with him...is she the first since his LTR ended so he just isn't ready yet to take that step of her regularly staying over. He still be uncertain that she is the one...maybe he was raised on different meaning with sleeping over. He may equate it to the one you will marry from what he has seen with friends. He may be someone who doesn't want to be married...but on the flip side of that...he may not waste time in relationships going nowhere. I would give a relationship about a year. If I felt I wasn't going to marry her after a yr I'd end it. 1
oregon0011 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I would say you aren't "the one" for him. Guys know quickly what role a woman will play in their life. Just sex. Friend. Gf. Life long partner etc. If he only sees you twice a week and doesn't want you to stay it is more like a fwb too me 2
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I think he has always been this way as he has said girls in the past have gotten upset too when he didn't want them to stay over. I don't want to nag him, but i think he is pretty set in his ways and no girl (especially if he is looking for something serious), will be okay with this. He will have to live with someone if he gets married lol Thus is 3 months in... Have you asked him about what it means to him if she stays overnight? Is the issue more about her staying vs her wanting a few drawers and closet space. Has he gone over to your place? How is he then?
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I would say you aren't "the one" for him. Guys know quickly what role a woman will play in their life. Just sex. Friend. Gf. Life long partner etc. If he only sees you twice a week and doesn't want you to stay it is more like a fwb too me Not after 3 months. 1
Author rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I am his girlfriend and we are exclusive. He has never liked girls staying before, even the ones he was longest with in a relationship. Also, he has mentioned to me he thinks i would make a great wife to him. Also, i am not sure if this changes much, but he is Mormon, i am agnostic. We have had sex but not often, he actually wants to hold back with sex until marriage, so i don't think this guy just wants fwb
Odinani Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I have lots of clothes and an average size closet. I don't have closet space for a man's things. I don't have drawer space. Certainly not for somebody I'd only been seeing for 3 months. In this regard the OP's boyfriend is not being unreasonable.
Odinani Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 So you are having sex now but he would like to stop having sex? Is the sex you guys have had fairly awful? I am his girlfriend and we are exclusive. He has never liked girls staying before, even the ones he was longest with in a relationship. Also, he has mentioned to me he thinks i would make a great wife to him. Also, i am not sure if this changes much, but he is Mormon, i am agnostic. We have had sex but not often, he actually wants to hold back with sex until marriage, so i don't think this guy just wants fwb
Author rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I said i wanted to stay with him the night, i never mentioned moving in or wanting space in his closet lol
Author rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 No it isn't awful, he is very good in bed. We did it a few times but haven't really done it lately. He said it is nothing against me and he really loves doing it but he wants to try and hold back until marriage. I think he may be scared or pregnancy. He said he has stopped with previous girlfriends before also for some periods of time.
Odinani Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 You sound convinced this man's behaviour is normal so I don't think there is much any of us here can do to assist you. No it isn't awful, he is very good in bed. We did it a few times but haven't really done it lately. He said it is nothing against me and he really loves doing it but he wants to try and hold back until marriage. I think he may be scared or pregnancy. He said he has stopped with previous girlfriends before also for some periods of time.
Redhead14 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I have been with my boyfriend for about 3 months now. I am 28 and he is 31. I really enjoy our company together but i have noticed a few things. First off, he doesn't like me staying over. He said he likes his alone time and sleeps better when girls don't stay, and he doesn't want a girl to stay over a lot and think they are "moving," in. I found this comment a little strange. I have already been married before, and i have always had long term relationships so i am used to spending lots of time with a partner and staying with one often. He seems to like his alone time and we only see each other twice a week. Some days when i know he has the day off and isn't doing anything he doesn't suggest hanging out or has declined seems he wants a day to chill by himself. Am i expecting too much from him and do you think it is possible with time for us to spend more time together and for him to start asking me to stay more? I did stay over one night last week, so i am wondering if he is warming to the idea. Considering he is 31, his longest relationship has only been 10 months. I just feel like the staying over and spending time together is an important part of a relationship to me, and while i don't want to change who he is, it bothers me a little. Have you two had a conversation about what each of your dating goals are? I mean, is he dating for a relationship or does he just want casual? His behavior suggests casual. If you are being intimate, you should have had that conversation and by now be exclusive at least. i don't want to change who he is-- That's good because you can't. And since this bothers you, it's time to move on already. I think you need to get clarity about what he wants and be clear about what you want for yourself and if he says he wants a relationship with you, you should let him know what a relationship looks like to you. 1
Author rose9 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 We are already exclusive. He is 31 and has told me he wants to settle down.
Redhead14 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 We are already exclusive. He is 31 and has told me he wants to settle down. Ok, then you need to communicate with him about what your needs are for that to happen with you if he wants to keep moving forward with you. There's nothing wrong with him wanting his space, but he needs to be willing to give a little bit more to you. It's ok if it doesn't happen immediately, but you need to set a time frame for yourself. In other words, if you aren't spending more time with him and staying more is say another month (or whatever you're willing to give it), prepare yourself to move on.
katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) So you are having sex now but he would like to stop having sex? Yah, this is very telling and IMO has little, if anything, to do with him being Mormon. If it were, he would have never started having sex with you in the first place.. He fears intimacy/closeness. Clearly! And sex with someone you care about represents intimacy, which is why he has pulled back sexually. It feels too vulnerable for him. As does sleeping and waking up together. In fact, IMO THAT is often times *more* intimate than having sex! Which is why he is uncomfortable with it. Proceed with caution. Edited November 7, 2015 by katiegrl 8
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Yah, this is very telling and IMO has little, if anything, to do with him being Mormon. If it were, he would have never started having sex with you in the first place.. He fears intimacy/closeness. Clearly! And sex with someone you care about represents intimacy, which is why he has pulled back sexually. It feels too vulnerable for him. As does sleeping and waking up together. In fact, IMO THAT is often times *more* intimate than having sex! Which is why he is uncomfortable with it. Proceed with caution. I agree with this and I would like to add. This man had other short relationships before and I am pretty sure he was intimate with them. So here you have a man that claims he wants to keep himself for marriage but has a collection of short term relationships probably with sex. It's a bit late for him to want to save his virtue for marriage. And one more thing, it's not the fact he is mormon that makes him only date you 2 times a week and not spend his days off with you. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 So your sex life is already slowing down after only three months? Something isn't right here. You're his girlfriend but don't expect him to get more serious with you. He's throwing up major walls and dialing back intimacy. Big red flags here.
dragonfire13 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 You know, I have dated a lot of guys who turned out to be players. Only one douche was callous/rude enough to kick me out of his college dorm after we fooled around but he didn't "seal the deal". I get that some people sleep better alone. I'm one of them. But the comment about it being like you're moving in? F*** that. You deserve so much better. 2
Els Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I am his girlfriend and we are exclusive. He has never liked girls staying before, even the ones he was longest with in a relationship. Also, he has mentioned to me he thinks i would make a great wife to him. Also, i am not sure if this changes much, but he is Mormon, i am agnostic. We have had sex but not often, he actually wants to hold back with sex until marriage, so i don't think this guy just wants fwb This makes zero sense. Unless you were pressuring him (which doesn't sound like the case), people who want to wait for marriage just.... wait for marriage. They don't 'have sex but not often' and 'have sex but you can't stay the night' and use waiting for marriage to justify that. I don't think his beliefs have anything to do with anything here. I think you're just with someone who doesn't want the same things that you do out of a relationship. He still be uncertain that she is the one...maybe he was raised on different meaning with sleeping over. He may equate it to the one you will marry from what he has seen with friends. This only applies if they aren't having sex, which isn't the case. There is no belief on Earth that says having sex is 'okay' but staying the night means you're committing for life.
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