ktragers Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I really have the worst luck with online dating - a guy I've been seeing for about a month and a half turned out to be the third person I've met online so far that has unresolved issues from the last relationship or the ex. The only difference is that the previous two I dated didn't have much interest for me to begin with and that they still had strong feelings for their ex, so there wasn't any serious dating involved there; however, with this guy everything went extremely well up until a week ago and things were slowly getting serious, and then I could sense that something's wrong these past few days. He's been a lot more distant, less attentive and overall more distracted. We met yesterday and it was fine at first but in the end he explained what'd been happening. Turned out his breakup with his ex was more than just an amicable parting. He's a very caring and emotional guy and his ex cheated on him with one of his best friends. He said that was a traumatizing experience that he still hasn't really come to terms with. He said he was the one who introduced them; he trusted both of them to get along. His friend was someone he trained himself at work and became really close with. Then in the end both of them betrayed him, and he lost a girlfriend and a best friend at the same time. He kept thinking what exactly he did that drove her to cheat, and how come he didn't pick up on any signs at first while he's usually really good at reading people and recognizing patterns, etc. I was shocked to hear this to say the least and I definitely understand that it was really tough. Also it did confirm what I'd been noticing in terms of his inconsistency and "odd" behavior these last few days. He said his ex is moving to another city and he went to her going away party last week out of courtesy and also wanted to seek closure. Surprisingly the whole experience opened his wounds all over again and reminded him of that issue that he's still hurting over. That's why he's been a bit down and depressed lately. When we met yesterday he seemed fine at first but the movie we watched later kept mentioning the city that just happens to be the place his ex is moving to, so it all came back to him again. He told me I was the first person he met online and I totally surprised him in that he had no idea he'd meet someone he'd click so well with or develop feelings for so quickly. But these last few days made him realize that he still needs to figure out his issues and feelings before he can throw himself into another relationship again, and that if he's not ready to devote himself to me, it's really not fair to me. He said he needs time and space and is open to being friends with me. To me that sounds a bit harsh/cold because I can't imagine jumping into friendship with someone you've had feelings for. It also makes me question whether he was deceiving me or showing more interest than there actually was, which he kept assuring me is not the case, or he wouldn't have been that enthusiastic all along and even introduced me to a group of close friends at one point. I'm very disappointed that he made it sound like a final goodbye and that this is it for us. It made me feel like he didn't value me at all and that what we built was so easy to give up. However, I guess it's hard for people to concentrate on anything else when they are that confused and hurt themselves. He said maybe a couple of months later he'd feel better and we can connect again but we can foresee the future. Overall it still felt like a cold breakup. This one really got my hopes up that everything was going so well and all the good signs were there. I can't believe it was all for nothing now.
crederer Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Yes, "I need a break" basically means they want to end it but are too weak to do it properly. They think this is letting you down easy but in reality it just gives false hope, making it more difficult. 6
kpl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I actually think this sounds anything but cold. He was honest and upfront about what he was going through, he respected you enough to not to continue what he was doing knowing he wasn't fully available to you. None of this is about you, so he didn't think he was doing anything to you. It sounded like he tried to give you a shot and realized that it was all too much. When someone is emotionally in a bad place it is difficult to have a proper relationship. Think about times in your life when you were preoccupied either physically or emotionally with life not everyone is in a place to be a good partner to ppl. I would walk away with the thought that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Leave him alone, give him space, and maybe once his headed is sorted out he may be ready to begin with you. I wouldn't wait for him and I wouldn't try to be friends but I would be open to the idea that once he's better you guys could rekindle something. 3
Author ktragers Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I actually think this sounds anything but cold. He was honest and upfront about what he was going through, he respected you enough to not to continue what he was doing knowing he wasn't fully available to you. None of this is about you, so he didn't think he was doing anything to you. It sounded like he tried to give you a shot and realized that it was all too much. When someone is emotionally in a bad place it is difficult to have a proper relationship. Think about times in your life when you were preoccupied either physically or emotionally with life not everyone is in a place to be a good partner to ppl. I would walk away with the thought that if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Leave him alone, give him space, and maybe once his headed is sorted out he may be ready to begin with you. I wouldn't wait for him and I wouldn't try to be friends but I would be open to the idea that once he's better you guys could rekindle something. That's a quite on-target observation and it's good to hear other people's opinion on it as I may be too involved/biased here. Thanks. He did mention that when he met me initially he was excited about the possibility of a new relationship that he could finally move on, and then he couldn't believe how compatible and in sync we are that things were moving along so quickly and smoothly. I certainly wish he hadn't gone to his ex's going away party, but if the issues are there they are bound to come up at some point so I guess it's good that I've only "wasted" a month and a half before it got to this point. I agree that he's a very nice person and this is not about me. It's simply difficult not to wonder what it is about me that's not "working" for him. They say when someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship, it usually means they are not ready for a relationship WITH YOU. When they meet someone they are truly interested in, all of a sudden all the issues become non-issues anymore. I'm definitely open to giving it a try again down the road if we reconnect and I don't intend to wait for him at the moment. Just hope if that time really comes that ship hasn't sailed on us yet. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Girl. Run away from him and stay lost. He's still in love with her. He went to her going-away party to be courteous and seek closure? Yeah, right. He wants to suddenly to be courteous to the girl who cheated on him with his best friend? No. He wanted to see her because he's not over her. The fact that he even had the b*lls to attend should have told you everything you needed to know about his feelings for her. Even if he hadn't gone, it wouldn't have changed the fact that he's not ready to move on yet. He did the right thing by ending it with you. It really isn't about you at all. He knows he's not over his ex yet and it's not fair to you to keep seeing you. He probably very much wants to be over her, hence bringing you around his friend and whatnot, but in the end he knew he wasn't yet.
itsallamystery Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Girl. Run away from him and stay lost. He's still in love with her. He went to her going-away party to be courteous and seek closure? Yeah, right. He wants to suddenly to be courteous to the girl who cheated on him with his best friend? No. He wanted to see her because he's not over her. The fact that he even had the b*lls to attend should have told you everything you needed to know about his feelings for her. Even if he hadn't gone, it wouldn't have changed the fact that he's not ready to move on yet. He did the right thing by ending it with you. It really isn't about you at all. He knows he's not over his ex yet and it's not fair to you to keep seeing you. He probably very much wants to be over her, hence bringing you around his friend and whatnot, but in the end he knew he wasn't yet. this. I would've thought it far more noble if he hadn't gone to the exes going away party but that screams "I'm not over you"
Author ktragers Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 Girl. Run away from him and stay lost. He's still in love with her. He went to her going-away party to be courteous and seek closure? Yeah, right. He wants to suddenly to be courteous to the girl who cheated on him with his best friend? No. He wanted to see her because he's not over her. The fact that he even had the b*lls to attend should have told you everything you needed to know about his feelings for her. Even if he hadn't gone, it wouldn't have changed the fact that he's not ready to move on yet. He did the right thing by ending it with you. It really isn't about you at all. He knows he's not over his ex yet and it's not fair to you to keep seeing you. He probably very much wants to be over her, hence bringing you around his friend and whatnot, but in the end he knew he wasn't yet. I definitely understand that although it's tough to accept it. This case is especially hard for me because at least the last two guys that I saw who were not over their ex weren't that interested in me in the first place, so the warning signs of disinterest were there all along and I chose to make excuses for them because I liked them. So that was on me. However, with this guy up until a week ago I could check all the boxes on any "signs he's truly interested in you" or "signs he's serious about your relationship" lists/articles. To be honest I wasn't THAT excited about him after our first date, but there were not obvious red flags so I kept seeing him and the attraction grew over time. That's why I feel like I've been played and that it was all an act on his part until he was finally too exhausted to put on the show anymore. Of course he denied this point and assured me that he was not deceiving me and he definitely felt something. Don't know if I can believe that but I still felt like he made an effort for a month and a half. Still trying to wrap my head around this part...
joseb Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 You were his rebound. That's not to say he didn't like you, or he did this deliberately, but he was in no way ready for a relationship when he met you. (how long had it been since he split from his ex) So yeah just move on and chalk it down to experience. 1
Author ktragers Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 You were his rebound. That's not to say he didn't like you, or he did this deliberately, but he was in no way ready for a relationship when he met you. (how long had it been since he split from his ex) So yeah just move on and chalk it down to experience. Interestingly, in the end he did mention that he didn't want this to be a rebound relationship, which is why I took him by surprise when he met me, as he said. Guess he was looking for a time filler or even a "fling" at first, and didn't expect to be involved with someone seriously so soon. They broke up in May and we met in mid-September. He finally admitted that he'd never told the true reasons why he and his ex broke up to his friends and family. I have a feeling he was a bit ashamed of being cheated on and wondering what went wrong.
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