Glitters Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 And I agree. The last "thing" we had on Thursday was because I finally said I've had enough...it seemed like it might've actually sunken in, because on Friday he was damn near himself again. Then went radio silent. But he's home and around friends and family he hasn't seen in awhiiiiiile, so this is the part I'm working on getting a grip about. Its just saturday and you are losing it? Friday was yesterday Whats happening? I need to get a grip of this thread ,lol
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 So let's pretend for a minute that moving out is not a possibility (and by "pretend" I mean, it ain't a possibility at the moment or for the foreseeable future): what advice would you give someone who, however foolishly, was committed to this situation? Right now I'm diggin the "get a grip" advice from the first page. I go along with D0nnivain. Also, I always wonder about these people that move in after 6 weeks. Don't you have family? If I had a man move in with me after 6 weeks my daughter and 3 brothers would have an intervention on me!! All hell would break loose.
CarrieT Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 OP, I did *exactly* what you did. I met a guy and it was off the charts. We moved in together within six weeks. And, just like your guy, mine imploded and left me wondering what-the-heck-happened. It was all doughnuts and bunnies for about 14 months for him and me. But the subsequent 18 months were shear hell and is what ultimately brought me to this site back in 2008. So I have been in your shoes. And what others are telling you about all the red flags is true. You need to know a person a full year - through all four seasons - before agreeing to live with them. I am sorry you are having to learn that lesson now the hard way. Mind what the others are saying about not contacting him. Realize that the relationship may - and dare I say, probably will not? - last all the years you hoped it would. It is still new and fresh so you can take it with the learning experience that it has afforded. You will survive and love again. I certainly did and ultimately met and married someone else (and I'm in my 50s). 3
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 OP, I did *exactly* what you did. I met a guy and it was off the charts. We moved in together within six weeks. And, just like your guy, mine imploded and left me wondering what-the-heck-happened. It was all doughnuts and bunnies for about 14 months for him and me. But the subsequent 18 months were shear hell and is what ultimately brought me to this site back in 2008. So I have been in your shoes. And what others are telling you about all the red flags is true. You need to know a person a full year - through all four seasons - before agreeing to live with them. I am sorry you are having to learn that lesson now the hard way. Mind what the others are saying about not contacting him. Realize that the relationship may - and dare I say, probably will not? - last all the years you hoped it would. It is still new and fresh so you can take it with the learning experience that it has afforded. You will survive and love again. I certainly did and ultimately met and married someone else (and I'm in my 50s). I appreciate the advice. I'm clinging to hope - even though it's only been a brief period of time, I'm heavily invested here. I won't last fourteen or eighteen months if the situation doesn't change; I recognize that already. But I owe it to myself and even to him not to cut and run because he's having a tough time that I have inadvertently exasperated. Bleh.
Author Temeriti Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Because you don't think you moved in too fast, it doesn't really matter than most of us think you did. Fact remains you are in this situation now. Personally, I'd sit on my hands if I were you. He went home. Either to deal with his depression, lick his wounds, re-evaluate your relationship, deal with whatever daddy issues he has, or just because he wants a Lonestar beer. Point is, he is presently out of your apartment. You do nothing. Don't call him. Don't e-mail him. Don't text him. Try to stay off his social media. If you must check, fine but do not post not even to like something. Until he reaches out to you -- he gets radio silence from you. Meanwhile keep yourself busy. Call a friend. Clean out your closet. Go for a run. Plan your Thanksgiving menu. Make a list of holiday gifts you need. Rearrange the furniture. Go on a cleaning binge. Just be active. But do not contact him. Think about how you will proceed if he doesn't come back, if he comes back & says he wants to break up, if he comes back & kicks you out or if he comes back & wants to act like everything is fine & dandy. Go through each of those scenarios in your head so you have a game plan. If the answer is he wants to come back & pretend it's all honkey dorey think about how you will prevent this from happening again. Totally just saw this. Thank you for your help. Operation Radio Silence is a go. *salutes* 1
CarrieT Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I'm heavily invested here. Do you realize how that sounds? Someone you have known since July - less than six months? - is INVESTED???? We are trying to shake you to your core on this one... 4
katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) He did not. I talked to his friends and they were like, "Yeah, he goes through this sometimes." So that was a big thanks for the heads up conversation. He was diagnosed with depression but the meds made him zombie like, he says, sooooo... All y'all can say it's too fast and I understand why you'd say that (obviously )...but my aunt was with my uncle for a month before they moved in together and they've been married 12 years now. Same with my dad and his girlfriend, together 15 years. Pls understand, your aunt and uncle, and dad and gf are different people. Just because they didn't become overwhelmed, does not mean your bf isn't. Obviously he is! So instead of becoming defensive and dismissing the idea, I would suggest you at least consider the possibility that that's what's happening, and pull back accordingly. If it were me, that would mean moving out and going NC, but you do whatever is right for you. But moving out would be the wise thing to do IMO. Or at least NC. Let him work his shyt out. You asked in your original post that we go easy. If that's what you want, you are on the wrong forum... Edited November 7, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 My 2 cents on this.... You moved in together too soon. Since it was unusually quick, you should have kept your place as an out. He likely got buyers remorse in this deal with you which likely triggered the depression. Him going back home...he doesn't need to contact you regularly. Just let him be.
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) He did not. I talked to his friends and they were like, "Yeah, he goes through this sometimes." So that was a big thanks for the heads up conversation. He was diagnosed with depression but the meds made him zombie like, he says, sooooo... All y'all can say it's too fast and I understand why you'd say that (obviously )...but my aunt was with my uncle for a month before they moved in together and they've been married 12 years now. Same with my dad and his girlfriend, together 15 years. Same with my friend.... Her and her boyfriend had instant fireworks and they just fell really, really hard for each other. I couldn't even sit and eat breakfast with them without feeling like at third wheel; they couldn't stop staring dreamily into each others eyes....she couldn't have a single bite of her pancakes without giggling at him. They fell STUPIDLY hard. Were in love within a month. Still together years later and totally head over heels. Occasionally. ...well VERY rarely. ..... falling super hard for one another is something tbat happens to normal, emotionally healthy adults------ it's common to fall hard. It's akin to winning jackpot for intense instant fireworks to also result in lasting love. Listen. .... in nearly EVERY case such as yours, both or one patner has compromised mental health. Very rarely do two emotionally healthy adults genuinely fall head over heels after a mere month and end up with that person long tern. Slow and steady wins the race... when it comes to love. The longest lasting relationships are not the love or even lust at first site types. ... they are two people who gave each other a chance despite not being "wowed" right away. I have only met one couple who genuinely fell REALLY fast and were both healthy mentaly. Sorry to say but when it feels too good to be true-- it is. Most relationships don't start out hot and heavy. And last. Edited November 8, 2015 by Leigh 87
Leigh 87 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Do you realize how that sounds? Someone you have known since July - less than six months? - is INVESTED???? We are trying to shake you to your core on this one... But some couples ARE genuinely head over heels after a date or two. Most emotionally healthy adults don't go and move in right away though. Yet some do. And last. They just happened to fall fast and have a hunch it would work. And it did. Thousands of couples simply fell really hard and fast. And ended up being supremely compatible on top of explosive sexual chemistry.
Author Temeriti Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 But some couples ARE genuinely head over heels after a date or two. Most emotionally healthy adults don't go and move in right away though. Yet some do. And last. They just happened to fall fast and have a hunch it would work. And it did. Thousands of couples simply fell really hard and fast. And ended up being supremely compatible on top of explosive sexual chemistry. I'm hoping we're one of those couples, and just hit a massive rough patch. We shall see, today's "**** or get off the pot" day.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 Someone pushing to move in so early (as you say he did) is a red flag. Unfortunately, you're just getting to know him and there are other red flags popping up. Him needing to get away already is a big one. I would use this time to reevaluate why you both jumped into head-first without knowing each other, and whether or not this is viable in the long-term. I think you are in for more such episodes. Sorry OP, it doesn't look good.
Lois_Griffin Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 (edited) I also agree with the poster who mentioned Borderline Personality. SO been there and SO done that. I 'did time' with someone just like your boyfriend. I wanted to take it slow because I'd met some real winners before him, but he insisted he was different from all the others and he was the real deal and I'd see he was better than everyone else and blah blah blah. Told me pretty early on he was going to marry me one day and acted like the sun rose and set on me and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Like your situation, it was very intense pretty early on. Then, out of nowhere, complete and total shut down. You go to bed one night after talking on the phone proclaiming your love for each other and making plans for the weekend, and wake up the next day to find out you're nothing more than something undesirable that's stuck to the bottom of his shoe. He's done a complete 180 literally OVERNIGHT and can barely contain his civility when you're trying to ask him what the hell happened or what it is you might have done to bring this complete change about? It's maddening, frustrating, devastating, and they're completely ice cold the whole time. Lo and behold, a couple weeks later, suddenly he's had an 'epiphany' and you're suddenly once again the greatest thing that's ever happened to him - in this lifetime AND his next. Until it happens again and you're once more dirt on the bottom of his shoe. The cycle goes up, then it comes down. Wash, rinse, repeat. One minute he's on his knee proposing marriage to you, the next he's avoiding you like the plague. After 4 or 5 cycles of this nonsense over a year's time, I pretty much knew it was a losing battle. I had no faith in him at ALL. Each day I'd wake up and wonder if he was going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. There was just no telling and quite frankly, I was sick and tired of having no stability in that relationship at ALL. I was damned sick and tired of worrying if he'd 'cycled' down overnight or while I was in the bathroom if we were out, etc. You just never knew when it was going to hit next. Like yours, my ex-BF would also have moments where he'd claim to love me, but he'd go cold again within seconds. I grew to learn these little moments of emotion meant nothing in the overall scheme of things. I know you'd love to think this was a one-time fluke and it's all going to be unicorns and rainbows once he gets back to 'normal.' But it's going to happen again. And again. And again. Edited November 8, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 2
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2015 Posted November 8, 2015 I agree....when you hit a "rough patch" after only being into it for a month and a half, there will be many more "rough patches" to come. It's almost like a cycle of abuse. They go cold, then come back tell you it won't happen again, will always love you then two weeks later they smack you down again. repeat. You are a fool to believe things will go back to smelling like roses.
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