Am I fooling myself? (3 weeks breakup after 2 months relationship)

[17thColossus]

So I finally decided to post a message on this forum, after lurking for a while to read your break up stories... Maybe it's just that I caught a flu and I cannot sleep at 4 in the morning...

 

So, I had been dating this wonderful girl I have known for a long time for a couple of months: she was all I needed, we completed each other sentences, we loved just to lie down and formulate weird project, and blah blah... everything was going great when, all of a sudden, she started to be cold in her messages, answering me after a lot of time and avoiding those signals of affection (those things that you don't care much about when you receive them, but when you stop receiving them you can feel the difference) that I was used to receive from her.

I must say that after an initial period where we were staying in the same town, then she had to go back to the university to complete her final project and I stood here in our mutual hometown because I have got a job here; we could just meet on weekends and the couple of times I went to visit her.

So, long story short, on the Saturday of three weeks ago, after she avoided to meet me, as we usually did, for the whole day, I finally managed to meet her in person and she said to me that she would like to make a step back and, after a long, hard conversation where she basically explained nothing to me, we greeted with a "see you".

 

From that day she quitted sending me messages, I did it three times in two weeks (I didn't believe in NC rule, sorry), trying to be relaxed and nice, and I received just short replies that usually ended after a couple of exchanges. I was the one that always had the last word. Then, on Monday, the first "true" NC day, I got a message from a mutual friend, the one that brought me to think about her as a potential love interest (she was not into guys, as far as I knew), asking me if I was doing fine. I said that I was really feeling down, and he replied that he expected that, even though she told him I was doing great and I was very relaxed. I just felt that was so wrong, even though she always said that she lacked empathy... So the day after, after asking some female friends of mine, I started writing a long message, telling her that her perception of my feelings was really far from reality, going briefly through all the reasons I thought that may have pushed her away, and adding that I could not believe that a smart (and she really IS smart, that was one of the qualities that made me fall in love with her) person like her could be so careless after so many things that have been said and done.

 

She replied a couple of hours later with the following text: "I read I read I just wanted to articulate an adequate reply to all that you wrote to me..."

As I said, this happened on Tuesday. As of today I had no further signs from her. I am trying to tell myself that she is busy with her final project (she is graduating in less than two weeks) and have not much time to spend collecting all her feelings and trying to write them down (she writes in a wonderful way, which for sure needs time), but somehow I start to feel that maybe she was just making fun of me and that the "adequate reply" was just more silence...

 

What do you think? Am I just fooling myself keeping on expecting some explanation from her? I also already bought a couple of presents for her graduation and I was thinking of giving them to her anyway: I love the way she thinks, talks and writes, and I'd like to keep her close, even as a friend (and you congratulate with friends when they graduate, don't you?)... My closest friends also agreed on this... but now that I am feeling a fool I just lost all the will to meet her again... What should I do?

[theredpill]

Yes, you are fooling yourself way more than you even think you are, but don't worry, this is life teaching you a valuable lesson

 

 

What's basically happened here dude is you've put this woman on a pedestal and chased her out of your life. Then continued to do so, even after she told you she wanted some space, probably killing most if not all of her remaining attraction. Read this again a few times so you understand the mistake and learn from it.

 

 

What you need to do RIGHT NOW to retain any remaining dignity is delete her phone number, remove her from all social media etc. exactly as described in the NC guide and never, ever, reach out to her again, understand and accept this is over.

 

 

Please for the love of god do not give her any presents <- I mean this although I don't actually follow any religion

 

 

The chances of her coming back are pretty much zero and you need to start dating, this is the only time she may have seconds thoughts.

 

 

Don't feel down young Padawan the Universe provides the tests, we just participate - learn from the experience and grow.

 

 

Please go watch some personal coaching videos, other people don't complete you, you complete yourself dude.

Edited November 7, 2015 by theredpill

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you are fooling yourself. She doesn't need quite that long to reply to you. She tried to tell you she wasn't as into this as she was before. That should've been your first sign that it wasn't working anymore. Also, what type of response did you expect from a message that sounds rather critical? You indirectly insulted her (asking her how a smart girl like herself could behave this way) and now are waiting for a reply. What are you hoping to hear? I don't think she's trying to make fun of you and your long message, but she probably doesn't really know what to say to you.

 

I would just leave her alone now. It hurts but she's not into it and she hasn't given you any signals that you should be holding out hope. You say you don't believe in No Contact; can you explain what you mean? No Contact isn't a way to get someone back. It's a strategy to help you detach and move on. And in this case, I feel you should reconsider your stance on it. It will help you overcome this more quickly.

[17thColossus]

First of all I want to thank you both for your replies...

 

Actually, my message was not so naive as it could have looked in the one-sentence-recap I made here (also, English is not my native language, so it is not so easy to let all the nuances get through); of course there was no such thing as an indirect insult, as some friends to whom I sent it for "review" before sending it to her could confirm.

I am just hoping to hear something along the lines of "you put too much pressure on me" (which she constantly negated, even when we got to talk) or even "I'm not interested in you anymore" could be fine... Just... something, not a Hamletian "the rest is silence"... which makes me consider the hypothesis that there isn't really a reason for breaking up except that I'm not so "trendy" anymore...

 

When I said I didn't believe in NC I meant that I am quite used to being rejected, and usually, if I consider valuable the person who is rejecting me, I just like to keep her near, without keeping a strict 30-day period without any contacts. Also, I get that the NC isn't a technique to get your loved one back, but I feel that relationships are way more complicated than this, and that there could be no rule that can be safely applied to each single case: sometimes keeping on contacting a person and "being around" pays, sometimes not. Also, as an ExpatInItaly, you know that in Italy we are way more passionate than the rest of the world, so you can understand how hard could it be for an Italian guy to just let it go...

 

I will surely leave her alone (and resist the impulse of writing her "Thank you" or something like that), but I still can't believe this could end like this, "not with a bang but with a whimper".

 

@theredpill, I still believe that it couldn't be so simple. She put me on a pedestal, too, she was always complimenting me (even though I felt I didn't deserve that), saying that even having a walk around a block felt like going to some exotic places when she was with me, and stuff like that. I guess that there was something that changed this, in one moment or another.

 

I won't delete any contact, because that is just not the way I am: I feel strong enough to resist to contact her even if I'm drunk or feeling down. In fact, I think that I've already said all I could say to her and now it's her turn. If she decides to skip it, well, there is nothing more I could do.

 

Dating? Easier said than done! I don't know where you live, but in my town, a small city in the center of Italy, the possibilities to go out on a date, for a shy man my age, whose closest friends have all moved somewhere else, who is working 8 hours per day in front of a computer in a small, men-only, environment, are close to zero. This was my first relationship in 2 years, and the first one that ends so fast and for no apparent reason.

 

Oh, and even if I sound so teenager-ish, I'm in the middle of my 30s...