mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Am looking for direct and honest opinions! Am six months out of terrible break up and starting to feel actually pretty good. I will at some point update the break up thread on how well I am doing, but that is another story. Anyway, there is a man I have known for a long time. He was once my professor. Later on we became casual acquaintance friends (about six years ago). Since my terrible break up, me and this man have been spending time together (once a month give or take, somtimes once every two weeks). We have great conversations and seem to want all the same things. He has been divorced for five years, and is ready to have a serious partner again. He is 55 and I am 36. I am very attracted to him and feel that he would be someone I would like to be in a relationship with. I'm not in a hurry (because obviously still post break up, but at the same time, life is short, so why not move forward). However I have never really done anything to show my affection for him (since I am a very repressed person/shy). My question is, if he was interested in me, would he have been more active about showing it? Or, because of the age difference, might he hesitate to reveal himself, but if he knew I liked him, would he reveal he liked me? Is he being respectful of me post breakup? I'm finding it hard to bring any of this up with him, and I'm not sure why. I am of two minds 1) if a man likes a woman, he shows it, so if he hasn't said anything, he just wants friendship 2) i should tell him my feelings, because he might like me and that will give him the space to say so. I don't mind brutal honesty. I went through one of the worst break ups of my life and survived it, and at this point, I'm happy just to be myself, and if it doesn't work out with this guy, no big deal, but at the same time, I think I deserve the happiness of a new relationship and am willing to be brave and trust again if it makes sense to do so.
lilmissjava Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 If he was once your professor, he probably still sees you as his student. If there was an attraction there, you would have already picked up on it.
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 For the first point, one day he specifically told me to forget about having been his student and not to see him as my professor. But as to the second point, sadly, I think you are right.
xcupid Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 If he was attracted to you he'd ask you out or at least show signs of interest.
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 From my perspective on this....I'm in my mid 40s...if I saw a woman from work or somewhere rose who was in her mid 20s and we had good conversations...still there was no way I'd ask her out. First I felt I'd be dating someone who I could be her father. Second, I highly doubt she was interested in net get way given the age difference. Would I be open to having a relationship with her..sure. But there was no way I'd be making that first step.
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the responses. In terms of his "showing interest", what I have so far is that he asks me hang out like maybe once a month, said things like I am "very interesting" and that he liked intense women and that I would "intense to be in a relationship with" (those two comments about 30 minutes apart). When I say things that I like or want in relationship, he often agrees that he does too. It's not very much to go on, really, just enough for me to feel mildly hopeful he might just not be sharing more, but more to make me think he's into friendship. I feel like I see him more than some of my actual friends, he definitely calls me more than other male friends who really are definitely platonic (ie I'm friends with my friends brother who is really happily married, once in a while he'll call to hang out, but not often, which is appropriate to me given his marriage, and often we'll go out with his wife who is also my friend). But this man I'm interested also does seem to have many friends and put efforts into friendship, so again it really might just be that. I think in 100% of other similar situations I'd think he was into me, but since he never says anything or makes any further movies, I am left confused. Again I know I should just say something myself, but to be honest I don't want to put either of us in that situation unless I feel much more confident of how he might respond. He's kind and shy and I would not like to put him through having to say no, and of course I would rather not hear it if I don't have to. So I'm fine to never bring this up, but I want to make sure I'm not overlooking an opportunity that could be good. Edited November 7, 2015 by mossycup typos
loveweary11 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 As the defacto "older guy" here, let me give you the secret to successful age difference dating: "Stop thinking about age!" It's true. There are all sorts of things pre programmed into people's brains to highlight the differences between people of various ages. There are far more commonalities than differences. Stop listening to all that nonsense and simply treat him as if you are the same age. Do exactly what you would do with any guy.
Glitters Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 A guy, no matter how shy he is, will make every attempt to show his interest/attraction. If it was, you would have sensed by now.
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Responding to above: the age difference actually makes none to me. I wondered if HE was acting that way because of it. If a guy my age acted like he did, I still would have a hard time saying anything, and also still be confused. However, I am inclined to beleive the comments that state that men of any age and personality show interest if they are interested. So frustrating (has anyone ever watched "He's just not that into you"?) when a person SEEMS like they'd be a great fit and you're super attracted to them, but they are not into it, but they are into it enough to keep you wanting more. ARGH. I sort of feel like maybe I don't even want to hang out with him any more for a while, until I really feel over it and truly do just want a friendship.
Redhead14 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Am looking for direct and honest opinions! Am six months out of terrible break up and starting to feel actually pretty good. I will at some point update the break up thread on how well I am doing, but that is another story. Anyway, there is a man I have known for a long time. He was once my professor. Later on we became casual acquaintance friends (about six years ago). Since my terrible break up, me and this man have been spending time together (once a month give or take, somtimes once every two weeks). We have great conversations and seem to want all the same things. He has been divorced for five years, and is ready to have a serious partner again. He is 55 and I am 36. I am very attracted to him and feel that he would be someone I would like to be in a relationship with. I'm not in a hurry (because obviously still post break up, but at the same time, life is short, so why not move forward). However I have never really done anything to show my affection for him (since I am a very repressed person/shy). My question is, if he was interested in me, would he have been more active about showing it? Or, because of the age difference, might he hesitate to reveal himself, but if he knew I liked him, would he reveal he liked me? Is he being respectful of me post breakup? I'm finding it hard to bring any of this up with him, and I'm not sure why. I am of two minds 1) if a man likes a woman, he shows it, so if he hasn't said anything, he just wants friendship 2) i should tell him my feelings, because he might like me and that will give him the space to say so. I don't mind brutal honesty. I went through one of the worst break ups of my life and survived it, and at this point, I'm happy just to be myself, and if it doesn't work out with this guy, no big deal, but at the same time, I think I deserve the happiness of a new relationship and am willing to be brave and trust again if it makes sense to do so. Well, based on the schedule you two have been on in terms of seeing each other, I'd say the "romantic" interest is low on his part. Who initiates the times that you do see one another? If I were you, I'd simply make a statement "I'm enjoying the time we spend together and I am attracted to you". And, then let him talk. Be prepared to be friendzoned and accept that gracefully. Just be honest and upfront.
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 You may not have a problem with age, but he might. He knows for his own needs at this stage of his life is to be with someone who is close to his age....he is probably looking for someone that will be retiring with him, and that is done all the kid raising etc. I get that it's ok for you that things don't work out, but you are still young, he's not. He's divorced for 5 years....he's looking for a wife, not to date someone. 3
Lansing Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 It is tricky for him too. Like, he could be trying to gauge your reaction to smaller things and hoping that you are interested as well. I have dated girls 10+ years younger than me including girls I was friends with for a year or two before. It is hard to transition into dating someone or letting them know your interest. I have also had the situation where I was into a girl but she wanted to just be friends (in general didn't want to date) and then eventually she told me she wanted to date me and at that point I had seen things about her personality and the way she treated people that turned me off so I decided against it. I think you should maybe ask him out once and maybe that will give him the confidence to ask you out more and make a move. Like, if there is n event or something you really want to go to see if he will join you. I agree with the other poster that I would need a clear sign for a girl 10+ years younger that she is interested otherwise I wouldn't bother out of fear of coming across as a creep.
smackie9 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I think he just enjoys the intellectual company. It's nice to find someone who can share good conversation with about topics you are interested in. 1
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 We sort of go back and forth asking each other to hang out. Possibly I am little more active, but only barely. It seems like we ARE having dates - I asked him to for a walk in the park, he asked me to hang out on a Friday night and we had chinese food. I'm just super FRIENDZONED lol!
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I think he just enjoys the intellectual company. It's nice to find someone who can share good conversation with about topics you are interested in. Yes, I've DEFINITELY thought this.
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 You may not have a problem with age, but he might. He knows for his own needs at this stage of his life is to be with someone who is close to his age....he is probably looking for someone that will be retiring with him, and that is done all the kid raising etc. I get that it's ok for you that things don't work out, but you are still young, he's not. He's divorced for 5 years....he's looking for a wife, not to date someone. I hear that. Although at 36, without kids, never married, I not really interested in dating either. I can tolerate if it doens't work out, but I am looking for a husband.
Redhead14 Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Here's the thing, you may think you can just be friends with him, but the truth is that since you have some deeper feelings for him, it will be difficult to keep them from growing and become more difficult to sit there with him and not have those feelings returned. I think you should let him know what you want for yourself and that you are attracted to him. Put it to rest one way or the other and, if need be, move on.
Zapbasket Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Responding to above: the age difference actually makes none to me. I wondered if HE was acting that way because of it. If a guy my age acted like he did, I still would have a hard time saying anything, and also still be confused. However, I am inclined to beleive the comments that state that men of any age and personality show interest if they are interested. So frustrating (has anyone ever watched "He's just not that into you"?) when a person SEEMS like they'd be a great fit and you're super attracted to them, but they are not into it, but they are into it enough to keep you wanting more. ARGH. I sort of feel like maybe I don't even want to hang out with him any more for a while, until I really feel over it and truly do just want a friendship. I think both of you need to tread carefully here. For one, you sound like you are still coping with a breakup. Your older friend sounds like a kind person who genuinely likes you for YOU, and as such, he probably is wary of acting on any romantic feelings he may have for you out of respect for where you are emotionally; six months isn't a long time where the aftermath of a relationship is concerned, especially at our age (mid/late thirties). He is doing what someone who respects your heart and your feelings would do, which is to hang back for now. On your end, you need to be sure you are healed from your breakup before you start anything with this man. I disagree with the poster who said you should ignore age difference. Age difference in a couple definitely is a "thing" each person must reckon with and examine closely. Too often, part of the reason people of significantly different ages come together is because each is looking for something in the other that has something to do with age. The older person is looking for some aspect of youth that they no longer have. The younger person is looking for a level of stability / wisdom / protection that they associate with greater age. These desires usually are unconscious and they don't need to impede the development of a healthy relationship, but they must be dealt with and seen for what they truly are, by both parties, if age is not to become a factor in the success of the relationship. It's possible you might enjoy a sense of safety that this friend provides after your broken relationship. Maybe not; only you know whether or not it's true. And that's fine, but again, you need to tread carefully. I think, since you both sound like intelligent people with kind hearts and self-awareness, you could initiate an honest conversation about finding yourself having some romantic feelings towards him, and wondering whether you could be compatible in a relationship, and asking him whether he ever has had those thoughts or feelings. He doesn't sound like he'd run away if you were honest, and your honesty in this regard doesn't seem like it will ruin the friendship since it seems he genuinely cares about you, and you about him.
Gaeta Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 My take on it. You are just out of a break up. You're not thinking clear and you're not into him, you're just in need of attention - and he knows that. We all go through this process after we break up, we hang on to the little bit of attention we get from the opposite gender. Suddenly we find ourselves attracted to the milk man. You should not question his intention but yours.
RedRobin Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 He's a smart guy who can enjoy the company of an attractive young lady without turning it into something romantic... And perhaps is legitimately only interested in having relationships with women close to his own age... For lots of reasons you won't understand until you get to his age... As much as I find it odd that some men want to date women young enough to be their daughters, I find it even more odd that young women want to sexualize these kinds of friendships.... Unless they have some issues they are trying to work out, or they don't feel they have options among men closer in age. Do you have any other responsible older men in your family or in your acquaintances? If no, then I can see why you might automatically associate care with sex... Because that is what society tells women... It is unfortunately common among women who don't have caring father figures or close ties with other men in their families.
SmartDude Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 My take on it. You are just out of a break up. You're not thinking clear and you're not into him, you're just in need of attention - and he knows that. We all go through this process after we break up, we hang on to the little bit of attention we get from the opposite gender. Suddenly we find ourselves attracted to the milk man. You should not question his intention but yours. I am kind of inclined to agree with this. Older guys make awesome cuddle bears though! It might not be that bad after all.
truth_seeker Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 My take on it. You are just out of a break up. You're not thinking clear and you're not into him, you're just in need of attention - and he knows that. We all go through this process after we break up, we hang on to the little bit of attention we get from the opposite gender. Suddenly we find ourselves attracted to the milk man. You should not question his intention but yours. So then she should just treat him as a rebound. Get it out of your system and move on.
Author mossycup Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 Good point all. It made me realize that I probably DO need to wait a bit. I actually was attracted to/interested him before I even met my ex, although I always thought it was just a silly crush since was older/an authority figure. Since spending time with him this summer, I've grown to see him more fully and realize what a wonderful, real person he is. I care about him as a person as well as being attracted. So yeah I'm realizing that if I take him seriously in that way, I need to wait. I think I am not going to say anything as yet, just keep being a friend, and if something more evolves, just let it happen at its own pace. No matter what he is thinking, it's a good idea for me to do that. Thanks for your all ideas!
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