Break up and now I initiated no contact

[haleyredd]

Hello, I am new to this website, but I decided to seek help. I need advice and possibly some answers about a breakup that I recently went through.

 

This all started about a week ago. One night, my boyfriend was explaining to me that he was stressed about everything going on in his life. He mentioned me and his mom and how stressed everything made him. I felt bad, so I stated that I wanted to go to bed. We both said goodnight.

 

The next day, we didn't talk at all, not even at work. Normally when we would see each other we would instantly strike up a conversation and laugh and flirt and just be a couple. But there was nothing. Me, being upset, I overreacted and left his ring and hoodie at work for him to take.

 

Once I arriving home, I sent him a message explaining that I was confused why we didn't talk. I then explained that I left his hoodie and ring there because I didn't know that to do; he had also told me how he missed his hoodie because it was cold outside. Once he got home from work he said that I could have talked to him if I needed to. I understood that, but then he said that he thought we should take a break.

 

It shocked me and it broke my heart. He ended up telling me that he needs to focus on his last year of high school and that he has been noticing other people. It broke my heart, so I did the worst thing I could do. I panicked and I began to beg him to stay and no asked questions and I must have looked crazy.

 

He said if I didn't stop that he would break up with me for good. He said he needed to do this until he figures out what he wants. I asked if there was any chance that we could get back together and he said possibly. As hard as it was, I left it at that. But after that day, things got worse.

 

The next day he totally broke up with me. I was so confused because at first he said he wanted a break, but then, suddenly, he wanted to totally end things. I was devastated. I begged again and asked him questions. He told me that he didn't love me the way he used to which I found strange because he had said he loved me and we were happy a few days before.

 

The next day, we had work at the same time. I looked at his hand and saw that he was wearing the two rings that I gave him and the ring he gave me. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said "because I like them" and he asked if I wanted them back. I said no, but I would like his ring back. He said okay and proceeded to give it back.

 

Later, I asked if he would go on break with me. He said yes. We went to a table for our break and he asked me to lay my head down next to his. I did and we looked into each other's eyes. I looped my arm through his and placed my hand under his head. He kissed my hand and said that it would all work out. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and he said "no, of course not." That gave me a small bit of hope. I told him that I love him and he said he loves me too. He told me not to worry and panic. He said it will be okay.

 

Later that night he wrote me a note that said: "everything will be alright. You just have to pretend sometimes. You don't have to think or be afraid of anything. I've come this far with you. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to. It will be okay." I have kept this note with me since. I then wrote him a note that said "I love you and I always will." Then my shift ended.

 

He walked with me. He wanted to buy a pack of gum then asked if I wanted candy. I said he didn't have to, but he said he knows and he wanted to. So I picked out candy and he bought it for me. As he bought it he again told me not to be afraid and that it will work out. He walked me to the door and hugged me. I told him I love him and he said that he knows.

 

Later that night when he got off work he messaged me. He said he read my note and that he felt the same. It made me happy, but I guess I felt that he was saying it just to make me feel better, so I told him that he didn't have to do that to me.

 

The next day he and i talked he hurt me even more by saying that he wasn't intimately attracted to me anymore. In my mind, I swore up and down that this wasn't true. A few days ago we had just been intimate, kissing, cuddling, etc. He told me that his attraction for me went away within a couple days. I new that wasn't true. You don't just lose attraction for someone so soon. Plus, that same evening he proceeded to hug me a few times. He touched my hair and commented on my earrings. He asked me several times if I wanted to drink off his soda.

 

I left work that night and hugged him. He hugged me tight, I said I loved him, and he said that he knows. That night, I thought more about things. I told him my thoughts. I told him that I know what he's doing. He's trying to push the feelings he has for me off to the side until he figures other things in his life that. I told him that I'm not stupid and people don't just lose feelings for each other like that. He only said "okay..." that has been his answer a lot lately. Okay or yea or I know. He also said that we could hang out Thursday (today) or Friday. He then proceeded to tell me that he had to take leaves all day and that we might not get to hang out and that on Friday he made plans with a friend.

 

We didn't hang out today. Also, earlier today he said that he knows for a fact that his feelings are gone which doesn't make sense because he changes his mind everyday. One day he loves me and the next he doesn't. He told me that maybe if I gave i him space that he could figure things out. But once I stopped bringing it up a couple days ago, he mentioned it himself. I know it's on his mind and when no saw him at work those two days, I could see the hurt in his eyes, he asked me what was wrong several times, and he would look at me from a distance. He smiled and laughed a lot, too. Then he kissed my hand and hugged me.

 

But back to today... I read about the no contact rule and how it can mess with your ex's head. My ex didn't want to stop talking to me because he said he cared and he worried that I would hurt myself (I have depression and I have self harmed.) He said he wanted me as a friend for now until he works things out. So I decided since he didn't want to end contact with me, I would with him.

 

I am thinking that if I don't talk to him for a while, he will wonder why and eventually text me to see what's up. The ideal situation for me would be that he would want me back, but I'm not even sure how he feels. One day he loves me, the next he doesn't. And today he said that he's sure he doesn't love me. I'm not convinced that this is true and that the nine months that we were together is just over.

 

I'm just going to give him space and let him think and do what he needs to do and then maybe he will consider us again. What do you guys think? Do you think it's possible that he still loves me? Do you think the no contact rule will work in this situation? What are the chances him and I could start over? If he does reach out to me, what should I say? Thank you everyone.

 

Update, it has been one day since I initiated No Contact. I left him with a "I know what I need to do, bye _______." And he said by in return.

 

I am confident in my decision. I plan on working on myself as well. But does anyone thinks this will work? Should I reply if he says hi just to be nice? How will I know if he eventually wants to work on our relationship?

 

Thanks all. Please reply!

Edited November 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[savvy2008]

I am going through a break up as well. I'm in my mid twenties and my ex boyfriend is in his early thirties. He broke up with me after 8 serious months (talk of marriage, it being long term). He broke up because he "doesn't know how to do relationship" and has realized he is passive aggressive and needs to work on himself alone. He said he needed time and space and that he would love to come back and get back together but he doesn't know if that will happen. We have been no contact for only 2 days and I had to shake myself out of feeling "if I ignore him, he'll come running back". The fact is that they broke up with us because for whatever reason, they no longer wanted to be with us. They obviously still care and are trying to be delicate with our feelings. It will be hard on them too but the bottom line is they wanted out. We have to respect that and move on as if they are gone from our lives. I have been telling myself"let it go, move on" the past couple days and it is helping.

[haleyredd]

Yea, I get that, but as I stated above... He said he still loves me and cares for me. That gives me some hope. Even though he would be hot and cold and change his mind a lot, I still think he cares. You don't just stop loving someone after nine months.

He told me that wouldn't have gotten this far with me if he didn't have to. I would like to think that that means something.

So I am going to continue with no contact as much as it hurts. He said he wanted space to think about what he wants. If he discovers he wants and misses me, I will be back.

Thanks for your reply.

And sorry that I'm so stubborn about this.. I just know him better than this. He is stressed and his stress has consumed him before, but never to this extent. If I give him time, I think he could come back around.

[mightycpa]

You don't just stop loving someone after nine months.

You couldn't be more wrong about this. The truth is that you can stop loving someone at any time, for no reason.

 

You need to change your thinking, or you're going to cling to false hopes.

[Liono84]

I am going through a break up as well. I'm in my mid twenties and my ex boyfriend is in his early thirties. He broke up with me after 8 serious months (talk of marriage, it being long term). He broke up because he "doesn't know how to do relationship" and has realized he is passive aggressive and needs to work on himself alone. He said he needed time and space and that he would love to come back and get back together but he doesn't know if that will happen. We have been no contact for only 2 days and I had to shake myself out of feeling "if I ignore him, he'll come running back". The fact is that they broke up with us because for whatever reason, they no longer wanted to be with us. They obviously still care and are trying to be delicate with our feelings. It will be hard on them too but the bottom line is they wanted out. We have to respect that and move on as if they are gone from our lives. I have been telling myself"let it go, move on" the past couple days and it is helping.

 

 

"The fact is that they broke up with us because for whatever reason, they no longer wanted to be with us." This couldn't have been more well said. It's the 100% truth. Everyone's going to come up with reason(s) for the breakup, and the truth of the matter is, whether they're telling you the truth or not, you'll never really know, however, the bottom line is, the dumper has decided to breakup with you because they no longer want to be with you. If they truly loved you enough they would not let whatever it is that's coming in the way from pulling the plug. I think as a dumpee, we may have a tendency to blame ourselves for a part of the breakup. That if only I did "xyz", this wouldn't have happened, and while that may be true to some degree, the fact is they pulled the plug, not us. They no longer wanted to be with us, we weren't good enough. When you finally come to this realization, you will then start seeing the picture for what it truly is, or shall we say, what it was and start moving on. Let that false hope die because it is the cancer that's preventing you from healing.

 

 

 

 

 

Yea, I get that, but as I stated above... He said he still loves me and cares for me. That gives me some hope. Even though he would be hot and cold and change his mind a lot, I still think he cares. You don't just stop loving someone after nine months.

He told me that wouldn't have gotten this far with me if he didn't have to. I would like to think that that means something.

So I am going to continue with no contact as much as it hurts. He said he wanted space to think about what he wants. If he discovers he wants and misses me, I will be back.

Thanks for your reply.

And sorry that I'm so stubborn about this.. I just know him better than this. He is stressed and his stress has consumed him before, but never to this extent. If I give him time, I think he could come back around.

 

I also agree with mightycpa. For you to think that it's impossible for someone to stop loving someone after 9 months is complete ignorant. It happens all the time!! It's part of life. Having that type of mentality is not healthy to the healing process. It's part of being in denial.