soconfused81 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Need input because I am overanalyzing everything right now.Quick back story… been in relationship with her for almost 3 years. I’m 34she’s 26. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage, and we have a 17 month oldtogether. About 2 months ago she told me she had enough and was done.. I’vebeen trying to reconcile.. She’s not sure if she wants to try again.. Shedoesn’t want to disrupt our son’s life until she knows what she wants to do.We’re still living together although we are not together. I sleep on couch shehas the bedroom. I trust that there is nobody else, and she’s home after work,etc like clockwork. If I ask about our relationship status she gets angry andshuts down. She said when she looks at me she only sees the father of her child(think that’s just to try to hurt me) and doesn’t know if she can love meagain. I take about 85-90% responsibility for the breakdown of thisrelationship. She wanted to go to counseling together last year and I turned itdown. Now I’m going to counseling and trying to get her to come and she’sbitter about it all and saying it’s too late I should’ve gone last year.Recently she’s started to converse with me a little more, but I can’t shut mymouth and always ask where we stand shortly after and she shuts down again. Iknow for a while she was looking for her own place because she wanted space andcouldn’t have that in the same house as me. She said it was to figure out ifshe missed me, etc. I don’t believe she’s looking for a place anymore at thistime. We haven’t done much together in the past couple months. This pastweekend she invited me to a mutual friend of ours two days in a row so we couldsee their new baby. While there we shared stories of our son being born etclike old times and it seemed to go really well. Said mutual friend thought wewere back together based on context of conversation. They even asked her if shehad baby fever now that she was holding their son and she replied with yesshe’d like to have a girl sometime. Then proceeded to look at me and say if weever expanded our family we would def need a bigger house! I don’t get it. Itwould’ve been easier to just tell our friends No for the time being right? Alsowe usually host Thanksgiving and just the other day she text me to ask if wewere still doing so again this year and I said I didn’t know because I figuredshe didn’t want to. She replied with ok. A couple minutes later I’m included ina mass text message to my family inviting them to OUR house for Thanksgivinglike the past years. I’m trying to take these as small victories, but it’s hardwhen I want to fix things now and start to fix this relationship. I guess myquestion to start is, if she was truly done would she still be on/off againincluding me in things and inviting people to the house (that she is stillreferring to as OURS) for Thanksgiving? Of course I asked her if she wasleaning one way or another since she wants to host Thanksgiving and she startedto shut down again and told me to just let things be the way they are and takethe small victories. She has told me numerous times that if we do decide towork on this, it’s not going to change overnight and going to take some time. Iguess do I just focus on the fact she’s still there and kind of talking to me?And just leave her be since that’s when she seems to come to me more? It shouldalso be noted we went out to dinner last night (son went with as well) for thefirst time in over a month. She usually says no when Ive asked in the past. Also she came home from breakfast the other day with her aunt and our son and had our son hand me some fried apples (my fave). She doesn't eat them so I know they weren't just leftovers from her.. I'm sooooo confused[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 It's really very simple. She has decided that she doesn't want the tedium and effort of a relationship with you, but the current status is convenient to her, and suits her down to the ground. She has it all her own way: A roof over her head, a fellow carer for your child, and the comfort of being able to live life exactly as she wants. She doesn't 'shut down' when you bring up "where are we at?" She gets impatient because she likes things exactly as they are, and she wants you to 'get it' without her having to clarify her selfish motives. The fact is, by pushing the question, you're rocking the boat. This is unsalvageable. It's over. She has no intention of rebuilding or trying again. She told you it's too late. But she's not going to offer a split, because that would mean an upheaval to her lifestyle. So the ball is in your court: Either get used to being a mere room-mate to the mother of your child, and carry on living a companionable, celibate life - or engineer a separation and a division of lives. That's it. 1
Author soconfused81 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 It's really very simple. She has decided that she doesn't want the tedium and effort of a relationship with you, but the current status is convenient to her, and suits her down to the ground. She has it all her own way: A roof over her head, a fellow carer for your child, and the comfort of being able to live life exactly as she wants. She doesn't 'shut down' when you bring up "where are we at?" She gets impatient because she likes things exactly as they are, and she wants you to 'get it' without her having to clarify her selfish motives. The fact is, by pushing the question, you're rocking the boat. This is unsalvageable. It's over. She has no intention of rebuilding or trying again. She told you it's too late. But she's not going to offer a split, because that would mean an upheaval to her lifestyle. So the ball is in your court: Either get used to being a mere room-mate to the mother of your child, and carry on living a companionable, celibate life - or engineer a separation and a division of lives. That's it. So why the invite to the mutual friends house together? why the food from breakfast? if she's done and just doing her and for the convenience she owes me nothing. why not go to her family's for thanksgiving?
Shock148 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 To save face and to have this front for other people. Trust me, it is over and like the other poster said, her life is comfortable right now. She is not with you, seems like she does not want to be with you, but she is comfortable having a roof over her head, her child and herself being supported by you and make it seem to others that everything is fine between the two of you when it really is not. Honestly, I would tell her that you do not feel comfortable doing thanksgiving this year unless we sit down and actually have a clear conversation about us. She cannot just shut down and keep you in the dark about her motives, which to me sounds like selfish motives of her getting everything without being with you, and string you along. Let her know that you need a clear answer on what she wants and if she is still undecided, tell her she needs to move out and have space because you cannot continue putting up this front for people.
salparadise Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Not sure I'd conclude that it's unsalvageable, but it's certainly messed up. She has you jumping through hoops but she's not making any effort to meet you half way. She likes having the home and family and having you fulfill the role of husband in front of friends and family, but when nobody is looking you're not even treated as well as the dog. This has to change. It takes two working on it to make positive change possible. She's unhappy and you're taking the heat for it, whether it's actually your fault or not. Everyone is responsible for their own positive disposition. You can't bestow happiness upon her no matter how hard you try to appease. And chasing and jumping through hoops just reinforces the dynamic that she has set up. I think you have to pull back and become assertive rather than appeasing. You still treat her well, but give her a chance to miss you and contemplate that you may be at the end of the rope on this one-way deal. It's not guaranteed to work, but more and more appeasement is guaranteed not to work, imho. 1
Author soconfused81 Posted November 8, 2015 Author Posted November 8, 2015 I appreciate the responses. I figured it would be a mixed bag as it's what I'm being told in person as well. Yesterday she called me and wanted to look at a house together lol. I asked what that meant for us and she said take it day by day. Told her def not buying a house on that answer but would look at it. I would say based on that she's pretty confused lol. I can only laugh even though it hurts because I don't know what else to think.
Author soconfused81 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Posted November 9, 2015 well as of late last night shes decided to give it another go. fingers crossed
Shock148 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 well as of late last night shes decided to give it another go. fingers crossed Thats great to hear! Remember take it day by day and please refrain from upsetting her. I am not talking about be her doormat but be more communicative towards her. Good luck bro and I wish you well.
kgcolonel Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 Please take note here. The second you stopped giving in and trying to earn / win or whatever you would like to call it, her love back and began to stand up and say NO (in this case to the new house). She changes her direction. This is very important as you gained a bit of ground in the relationship. Up to now, it was about what she wanted, once you established that you weren't moving forward on the "on the fence" attitude she has been giving, you suddenly became more desirable. Many men become panicked and scared to lose a relationship and in doing so, beg the other to return to the nest. This is almost a sure fire way to end the relationship as this approach appears weak and needy. You did well in telling her that her position on the relationship was unsatisfactory to consider a larger house. I would also WARN you to go very slow as going into deeper debt on a "try to make another go at it" is very shake, improvement but shakey. If it were me, I'd set some internal objectives that I needed to see before I moved to the next phase. Don't try to earn her back into the relationship by giving into her wants. Ensure it is what you BOTH want and that she is in the relationship 100% before the next step. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 well as of late last night shes decided to give it another go. fingers crossed Personally, I give it a month. Sorry, but unless what went wrong before, is fixed - BEFORE 'giving it another go' - I see little hope of anything changing for the better. I sincerely, truly hope to be proved wrong, by the way.
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