Why are some men not as attentive as before when he keeps saying he's interested?

[adilaurentis]

I've been seeing a big change of behavior with a guy I've been seeing for about a month and a half and some of my friends are going through the same situation. Everything started off on perfect grounds - he showed a lot of interest through consistent behaviors. He texted a lot, was great with keeping in touch even when he's out with friends, he let me know his every move (almost) of the day, he made plans way ahead of time and was always excited to see me, he has a busy and stressful job but still tried to meet up with me during the week in addition to the weekends, spent long time during each date with me, we added each other on FB, he introduced me to a group of his close friends, he constantly hinted about the future or making things more serious, etc. We made a few "milestones" over the past month or so and we were both excited about what's coming next.

 

I've dated guys in the past where the signs of no interest were obvious - distant, flakey, unavailable, doubtful, etc. So this time I started off taking things slowly because I didn't want to get hurt, but the guy's really shown something so it got my hopes up. He's very genuine, never strikes me as a player, comes from a traditional family/background and we are quite compatible.

 

However, in the past week or so I've witnessed some decrease in frequency of contact and it got me concerned. For example, we'd be in touch one day and then sudden silence, and then he'd reach out the day after and said something like, "sorry...was caught up in night out on the town with friends and we went all out..." which I know he does go out with friends a lot but not always "all out" especially during the week. Then on Saturday we were each at a different friends' get-together and mentioned potentially meeting up later that evening. He said yes and was excited to see me too, but then completely fell out of touch later in the evening and then apologized at 1 a.m. saying the party got crazy and he never checked his phone until then. He continued the apology throughout Sunday and said he'd make up to me, and that he's serious about us growing into something more down the road. I was very uncomfortable about it but tried not to make a big deal out of it since we were only dating.

 

Then he reached out on Monday and asked if I'd be game to meet on Friday, which is good that he's planning early again. We mentioned some vague details about dinner and movie and on Tuesday he said he had to confirm time and get tickets, etc. However, no word from him on Wednesday or Thursday and I'm questioning if the date is still on, or is he waiting for me to get in touch with him? I mean, he asked me out and should be the one to let me know the details. He was never like this in the before the past week or so and I'm seriously wondering what's going on.

[Inaa]

Do you go out with friends or you just stay home and wait for his call? Does it happen to change your plans for him?

[adilaurentis]

Do you go out with friends or you just stay home and wait for his call? Does it happen to change your plans for him?

 

I have my own life and I don't just wait around for him to contact me all day. Just saying I'm not sure why he's been a bit inconsistent lately compared to how he used to be.

[Inaa]

I have my own life and I don't just wait around for him to contact me all day. Just saying I'm not sure why he's been a bit inconsistent lately compared to how he used to be.

 

Because a man always chases that which runs away from him. And if he knows he has you, he is getting bored. That's why I asked you those questions.

[hippychick3]

It's very typical for guys who are very into a girl to blowtorch them...go overboard with attentiveness and talk of the future, etc. But this almost always leads to a major pull back from the guy once the initial infatuation stage wears off and reality sets in. Nobody can keep up with that rate of intensity. And the more insecure and needy you become (even if you think you're not acting that way,a guy can sense it) causes him to pull back even more.

 

So, you need to pull back yourself. Live your life to the fullest, stay busy, and allow him to pursue you again. If he doesn't, move on and next time don't take any guy seriously when he's discussing the future within a month of meeting you. No one really knows anyone in such a short timespan.

[hippychick3]

One more thing... If he hasn't contacted you since Monday for tonight's plans, make sure you have other plans and are unavailable for him tonight.

[Zippy2000]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He`s just cooling down.

 

I remeber I dated a girl like this back in 2005 and she used to send me texts and emails every day. I ditnt mind as I always replied but as time went on and I dated her for a year. We began to cool with our communication.

 

Looking back now. I didnt see this but she began just like you OP, began to worry and become anxious I was becoming distant and she dumped me!

 

I only found out after a year when she told me. I never had become distant we just began to feel comfortable with each other and had our own lives to live.

 

You cannot sustain a relationship with constant contact. People get busy but you dont want to come across as too clingy or needy by sending him more texts or calls.

 

You have to understand when people first meet its exciting and lovely to meet someone who can reciprocate your attention but natually everything cools.

 

Think about that for a sec.

[Httm]

Because a man always chases that which runs away from him. And if he knows he has you, he is getting bored. That's why I asked you those questions.

 

That is a ridiculous stereotype. I feel sad for anyone that has to deal with men like that. Find someone better if those are your experiences.

[Inaa]

That is a ridiculous stereotype. I feel sad for anyone that has to deal with men like that. Find someone better if those are your experiences.

 

That counts for all men. And women too. Even if they are not realising it.

 

When feelings have developed it's different but through the first couple months of dating it's true.

[adilaurentis]

It's very typical for guys who are very into a girl to blowtorch them...go overboard with attentiveness and talk of the future, etc. But this almost always leads to a major pull back from the guy once the initial infatuation stage wears off and reality sets in. Nobody can keep up with that rate of intensity. And the more insecure and needy you become (even if you think you're not acting that way,a guy can sense it) causes him to pull back even more.

 

So, you need to pull back yourself. Live your life to the fullest, stay busy, and allow him to pursue you again. If he doesn't, move on and next time don't take any guy seriously when he's discussing the future within a month of meeting you. No one really knows anyone in such a short timespan.

 

That sounds reasonable. I do lead a busy life too and I haven't really exhibited any needy or clingy behavior because of this. I'm not one of those women who would constantly seek contact or attention if they'd not heard from him in a while. I feel like if he's truly interested he'd be in touch and I'm not going to exert any masculine energy here. We live about 30 minutes away from each other so it's not easy for us to just stop by or see one another every day. Like I said, although I was quite uncomfortable about him being "flakey" on Saturday, I didn't make a big deal out of it and only told him that we're dating so it's not like he owed any explanation to me. He wanted to meet on Sunday but I simply didn't want to be an afterthought so I declined.

[adilaurentis]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with him. He`s just cooling down.

 

I remeber I dated a girl like this back in 2005 and she used to send me texts and emails every day. I ditnt mind as I always replied but as time went on and I dated her for a year. We began to cool with our communication.

 

Looking back now. I didnt see this but she began just like you OP, began to worry and become anxious I was becoming distant and she dumped me!

 

I only found out after a year when she told me. I never had become distant we just began to feel comfortable with each other and had our own lives to live.

 

You cannot sustain a relationship with constant contact. People get busy but you dont want to come across as too clingy or needy by sending him more texts or calls.

 

You have to understand when people first meet its exciting and lovely to meet someone who can reciprocate your attention but natually everything cools.

 

Think about that for a sec.

 

Very true and I definitely understand all of this. However, I guess it's much easier to deal with someone getting "distant" when you're in an established relationship. In the dating stage there's so much guessing and uncertainty that it's hard to differentiate between someone "getting too comfortable" and someone "losing interest." I'd say at this point there's still the chance of him seeing other people and meeting other people too so he might be shopping around too. He made it clear that although we're casually dating, there's real intent for us to grow into something more serious down the road at the right time. As much as I loved hearing that, him getting distant lately is certainly not helping our relationship grow by any stretch and I'm almost feeling a disconnect on some level.

[Httm]

That counts for all men. And women too. Even if they are not realising it.

 

When feelings have developed it's different but through the first couple months of dating it's true.

 

Did you seriously just try implying that you are right...and simply that everyone does it and just doesn't realize it? How convenient! You don't speak for everyone no matter how much you may think or desire to be right.

 

Absolutely preposterous.

[Redhead14]

I've been seeing a big change of behavior with a guy I've been seeing for about a month and a half and some of my friends are going through the same situation. Everything started off on perfect grounds - he showed a lot of interest through consistent behaviors. He texted a lot, was great with keeping in touch even when he's out with friends, he let me know his every move (almost) of the day, he made plans way ahead of time and was always excited to see me, he has a busy and stressful job but still tried to meet up with me during the week in addition to the weekends, spent long time during each date with me, we added each other on FB, he introduced me to a group of his close friends, he constantly hinted about the future or making things more serious, etc. We made a few "milestones" over the past month or so and we were both excited about what's coming next.

 

I've dated guys in the past where the signs of no interest were obvious - distant, flakey, unavailable, doubtful, etc. So this time I started off taking things slowly because I didn't want to get hurt, but the guy's really shown something so it got my hopes up. He's very genuine, never strikes me as a player, comes from a traditional family/background and we are quite compatible.

 

However, in the past week or so I've witnessed some decrease in frequency of contact and it got me concerned. For example, we'd be in touch one day and then sudden silence, and then he'd reach out the day after and said something like, "sorry...was caught up in night out on the town with friends and we went all out..." which I know he does go out with friends a lot but not always "all out" especially during the week. Then on Saturday we were each at a different friends' get-together and mentioned potentially meeting up later that evening. He said yes and was excited to see me too, but then completely fell out of touch later in the evening and then apologized at 1 a.m. saying the party got crazy and he never checked his phone until then. He continued the apology throughout Sunday and said he'd make up to me, and that he's serious about us growing into something more down the road. I was very uncomfortable about it but tried not to make a big deal out of it since we were only dating.

 

Then he reached out on Monday and asked if I'd be game to meet on Friday, which is good that he's planning early again. We mentioned some vague details about dinner and movie and on Tuesday he said he had to confirm time and get tickets, etc. However, no word from him on Wednesday or Thursday and I'm questioning if the date is still on, or is he waiting for me to get in touch with him? I mean, he asked me out and should be the one to let me know the details. He was never like this in the before the past week or so and I'm seriously wondering what's going on.

 

I'm seriously wondering what's going on -- Why? The guy hasn't confirmed plans with you, make other plans. Why spend time trying to figure out what's going on with someone else? Spend the time figuring out what you're going to do for yourself . . .

[adilaurentis]

I'm seriously wondering what's going on -- Why? The guy hasn't confirmed plans with you, make other plans. Why spend time trying to figure out what's going on with someone else? Spend the time figuring out what you're going to do for yourself . . .

 

That's easier said than done and when you have no emotional investment in something/somebody...

 

For the record, it was more than just a vague "let's do something?" plan, and he was all "looking forward to it" up until Tuesday night and then been silent ever since. In a sense we did have something planned so I'm not sure I can just "blow him off." But I do agree I'm not holding my breath until I hear some details on it. Otherwise I'd have no idea where and when we're going to meet and that's a basic logistics question.

[Jejangles]

That's easier said than done and when you have no emotional investment in something/somebody...

 

For the record, it was more than just a vague "let's do something?" plan, and he was all "looking forward to it" up until Tuesday night and then been silent ever since. In a sense we did have something planned so I'm not sure I can just "blow him off." But I do agree I'm not holding my breath until I hear some details on it. Otherwise I'd have no idea where and when we're going to meet and that's a basic logistics question.

 

I feel like you have two options here. You either reach out to him and confirm you are still on for tonight / plans. Or you wait and see when / if he contacts you, and decide when / if he does whether you are still available or have now made plans because he didn't contact you earlier.

 

He's definitely cooling off a bit from your description of him earlier - that could be natural because it's hard to keep that kind of pace up, or it could be he's cooling on the idea of a relationship. I feel like the general advice when someone cools off like that is to also cool off yourself - that would be my inclination, especially after he essentially blew you off last Saturday. Sit tight, see if he contacts you.

[GemmaUK]

I think he is losing interest as he thinks you feel 'meh' about it all.

 

After a month and a half has it not crossed your mind to reach out to him if he hasn't contacted you in a couple of days?

[adilaurentis]

I feel like you have two options here. You either reach out to him and confirm you are still on for tonight / plans. Or you wait and see when / if he contacts you, and decide when / if he does whether you are still available or have now made plans because he didn't contact you earlier.

 

He's definitely cooling off a bit from your description of him earlier - that could be natural because it's hard to keep that kind of pace up, or it could be he's cooling on the idea of a relationship. I feel like the general advice when someone cools off like that is to also cool off yourself - that would be my inclination, especially after he essentially blew you off last Saturday. Sit tight, see if he contacts you.

 

I eventually took the matter to my own hands and checked with him if we were still on. I simply did not want to wait and then in the end got my time wasted. He confirmed right away and already had the movie show time and place ready, which perplexed me further how come he never reached out to me earlier to discuss it if he'd given it some thoughts. It's almost like he's playing games with me...

[Redhead14]

I eventually took the matter to my own hands and checked with him if we were still on. I simply did not want to wait and then in the end got my time wasted. He confirmed right away and already had the movie show time and place ready, which perplexed me further how come he never reached out to me earlier to discuss it if he'd given it some thoughts. It's almost like he's playing games with me...

 

This is the kinda the reason for not reaching out to him. You're still kinda wondering . . . if you waited it out, you would have known for sure what's what . . . in other words, he either wouldn't have called at all -- in which case, you'd know he was blowing you off and fading, etc. Now, well, sure, he confirmed cuz you called him out -- but how hard is it to type in local theaters and find out movies and times and then respond.

 

Did you text him or call?