A guy taking advantage of a girl

[amkxoxo]

So my friend Kelly and I met about 4 years ago. It wasn't until 2 years ago that we became really close friends. She and I are both 23 and very similar. We have our own little quirks, but we accept each other and love to talk all the time. We do a lot of stuff together.

 

Kelly wasn't very into the dating scene when we first became friends. We would fawn over guys and talk about how cute they were, but I would be the one that actually went out on dates.

 

The way that Kelly would talk, you would think she was out dating a bunch of people, when in reality she would only be talking to them briefly, and not in a romantic way. I wanted her to find happiness with a man, I just didn't see her as doing it the right way since she was not flirtatious or mysterious to men. I would talk about my date with a guy, and the only thing she had to compare it to was someone she was with ages ago.

 

She and I are both virgins. We both saw sex as something special. Not until marriage special, but special for someone you love and not something to rush into. She has mentioned a few times how she doesn't want to just lose it and how she wouldn't mind waiting until marriage. That is her choice. I just knew she would have a hard time in our society finding a guy that was okay with it.

 

Now in the past, Kelly and I always went out together, and I did most of the talking to men. I'm not promiscuous. I just found it simple to talk to men art bars, parties etc...

 

Some of the time guys end up asking me for my number, or asking me out. I always tell Kelly about it, or she sees it happen first hand while we are out. There have been a couple times where the guys will ask me out, I say no, and then they go ask Kelly as second best. I feel bad. I know it hurts Kelly. It would hurt anyone to have this done, but it is not my fault.

 

About a month and a half ago I was casually dating two different men. I would tell Kelly all about it. I never had done anything like this, but it just ended up happening. It was casual, but I knew I was headed towards a relationship with one of them.

 

Kelly at the time was fawning over a guy she was friends with. She would talk about it all the time. They only were friends.

 

One night we go to this party. We meet some new people. One of the guys I was dating was there. I split my time well between Kelly and him. One of the new people we met, started talking to Kelly. He was drunk so I didn't see anything serious happening.

 

The day after, I get a facebook message from the guy that was talking to Kelly. He was saying how it was so nice to meet she and I, and that we should all hangout again. I thought that was very nice. He then mentioned us all going hiking. I thought that seemed really fun and told him so.

 

I was not interested in him at all. I already had two guys. Kelly then messages me saying how the same guy asked her out. She tells me all the stuff he said, which was similar to what he said to me. I tell her how it was all what he said to me. She denied it, claiming he asked her out formally. I was a little surprised at how defensive she got.

 

A few days later the same topic got brought up in person about him asking her out. She is telling me and another girl how he asked her to go hiking. I pipe in and say how he also invited me hiking with a group of people. She got defensive again, claiming he officially asked her out. How he wanted to go hiking with her. He probably just asked me to be polite and how he really doesn't want me to go since he wants to go with her.

 

I found this extremely insulting and rude. I was not interested in this guy. I think she thought maybe I was trying to get him to like me, when that was not even a thought in my head. She was almost trying to make is so he liked her, and only her, and no one else, because of past instances where I get picked over her. I don't like it to be competitive. I am just living my life. I support her.

 

Like I mentioned above, she was fawning over a guy friend of hers. Suddenly this new guy starts showing up at her job to talk to her. They text everyday. They go out on a date. Suddenly Kelly, says that she doesn't care about her guy friend anymore, because this new guy is around.

 

I found this surprising since she was only changing her mind because this guy gave her attention. If her guy friend started liking her, she would be with him. I said nothing. I figured she was happy and it was innocent.

 

They start dating once or twice a week. After 3 weeks, we all go out in a group. I was now down to one guy I was dating more steadily. The four of us went out for a friends birthday. In the middle of the bar she tells me he just asked her to be his girlfriend. I was shocked. Three weeks to me wasn't a lot of time at all. I had been seeing my guy for months and we had just started talking about a serious relationship.

 

I was a little bit peeved in that way. He and I were going to announce a relationship soon, and now we could not in fear of copying Kelly, or stealing her thunder. I acted happy for her. I mentioned it was fast, but she was on cloud nine so nothing I said to her registered.

 

My boyfriend wanted to announce our relationship a few days later, not because of Kelly, but because he wanted us to have that. I made us wait because I did not want to steal anyone's light. I was happy that my boyfriend did it in a romantic sweet way, not in the middle of a bar. My boyfriend couldn't believe Kelly's new boyfriend asked her like that.

 

I noticed Kelly and he were moving fast. I mentioned to her, here and there, that it seemed fast. She started talking about how his family was just taken with her and loved her. One family member said she thinks they will get married, another said she is the best thing that's ever happened to him. It sounded far fetched. It had only been a month. She was gushing about how her family loves him too.

 

To my boyfriend and I, Kelly was living it up in the attention of it all and not exactly the actual relationship.

 

He is a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I cannot tell if Kelly stretches the truth sometimes, or he is just telling her what she wants to here. They seem too perfect. No fighting. Everything is all rainbows and roses.

 

Kelly told me how she talked to her boyfriend about not wanting to rush and have sex. She said he was fine with it. And how sweet and understanding he was.

 

Well of course he was. What guy is going to protest that? You will look like a loser if you do.

 

Kelly talks slightly crazy saying how she always wanted to get married before 25. She is 23 and this guy is 27. Its been two months now. Two. She literally mentioning marriage. How is this guy down with this. Any talk like that would send any guy running for the hills. Kelly doesn't even have a job. She works part time at a florist. She lives with her parents. This guy, 27, still lives with his parents and doesn't make a huge paycheck.

 

They are way too serious way too fast.

 

My boyfriend thinks I should say something to her, but I cannot. She is happy, and as her friend, I need to support her and be happy for her too.

 

The other day Kelly said she had something to tell me.

 

I was confused at first, but then I put two and two together. She admits, she had sex with him. I couldn't believe it. This was the girl that dreamed of waiting until marriage. Two months since the day she met him is not a long time. I was shocked. It made me have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. She tells me how she and I are some of the last virgins around and how why keep waiting.

 

I was even more shocked that, that was her reasoning. That we are the last virgins around? Really?

 

It made me feel horrible. Here I was waiting around. Its been close to 7 months and I still haven't with my boyfriend. He and are just getting to the "I love you", part. I don't feel quite ready.

 

Now with her doing that after two months, I feel inadequate with my boyfriend. He has been waiting so patiently. I told my boyfriend all of this last night. It was bothering me. He reassured me that he is waiting because he loves me and there is no competition between the two couples. Kelly and her boyfriend and me and mine. I just feel that there is. Every time I tell a story about something romantic my boyfriend did or said, Kelly has to follow it up with something her boyfriend said or did. My boyfriend said he knew this would happen. Kelly was off in la la land, in the newlywed relationship stage and was moving way too fast. He said he figured she might sleep with him very early on.

 

I am worried about her. I don't know if this guy got in her head and because he is older is slightly convincing her to do that. I just didn't see Kelly as being so fast and just giving up her virginity.

 

Here I am calling to tell her my boyfriend surprised me with dinner and tickets to a show. And she is telling me she slept with someone she has known for two months.

 

I feel like in a small way Kelly is adding to the competitive nature between our two relationships. Maybe she is rushing this because she is afraid she will be left behind. She doesn't want to be the last. I think me being with mt boyfriend for 6 months spooked her into rushing into something. I like her boyfriend don't get me wrong, but I don't see her marrying this guy.

Edited November 5, 2015 by amkxoxo

[amkxoxo]

I am afraid one of my good friends is being taken advantage of by her boyfriend.

 

They met two months ago at a party and started talking casually. Then they started dating. About four weeks later he asked her to be his girlfriend. She said yes. I mentioned to her that it seemed quite fast, but she was obsessed with the newness of being with him. Before this they had only briefly kissed a few times, according to what she said to me. I don’t know how you can kiss someone a few times and then want a relationship with them? You don’t know them.

 

She still lives with her parents, so he would often go over her house to hangout. She told me how she would have him up to her bedroom. I mentioned to her that it might be giving him the wrong idea, having him in her bedroom. My friend was a virgin and was adamant about waiting to have sex. I had been in that situation and I know guys can get the wrong impression from being in a girls bedroom.

 

She had told me on multiple occasions that she might wait until marriage or that she did not want to rush into anything sexually. She told me he knew she wasn’t that way and he wasn’t getting the wrong impression. I dropped the issue. Mind you, she is 23, and he is 27. I know what guys want.

 

After they were boyfriend/girlfriend things progressed rapidly. He took her in the same week they became official to meet his family. He tells her how his family just loves her and they think he will marry her. His family claims she is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He tells her that his co-workers think he is in love, by the way that he talks about her. I found this odd and far-fetched. If I took a guy home for the first time, my family would not tell me how they loved him and I am going to marry him. It’s way too soon and they don’t know him.

 

I just did not get it. After one month, her family doesn’t even know him.

 

I continued to support her and he seemed nice enough to me.

 

She tells me that they had a serious talk about having sex. She told him that she wanted to wait and she said he was fine with it and he would wait however long she wanted to.

 

The other day she messages me very frantically. She wants to tell me something important.

 

She had sex with him.

 

I was shocked. This was my friend who was supposed to be waiting. What did she wait, all of three weeks? It has only been two months since they first met, and one month since they were in a relationship. I just didn’t get what the rush was.

 

She and I met up to talk in person. She tells me she felt like no one our age was still a virgin anymore. I thought this was a lame excuse. So you did it because no one our age is anymore? This also struck me as odd. She wasn’t one to care if others have had sex. She waited this long, so why care now? It made me question if this was something her boyfriend planted in her head.

 

I was a virgin. She knew I was. And I knew many others that were. She told me not to be mad at her, since she knew I was still a virgin. I wasn’t mad, just shocked. I also didn’t understand why she felt the need to provide me with an excuse. If she was confident in what she did, then why have to explain to me why you did it?

 

She tells me how they love each other. I almost spit out my drink. Love? They have only known each other for two months, and the first few weeks of dating you don’t know someone. I asked her if they “loved” each other, then why the rush to have sex? She kept preaching “when you know, you know.”

 

When you know, you know? I have been with a guy or two in the past that I thought I knew. That I wanted to last forever. It didn't. I look back and am glad I didn't sleep with them.

 

I just did not get it. What happened to the girl that wanted to wait until marriage?

 

She goes on to explain how she was so nervous. When they were getting ready to have sex, she was shaking, hyperventilating, and crying. What? What kind of boyfriend would still have sex with you if you were a blubbering, shaking mess? That is not a good boyfriend. I know she consented, but really? That makes me skeptical of him even more.

 

The way she was talking was as if she thinks they will be together forever. I think she is living in a fantasy. But as it seems her boyfriend is promoting this too. I don’t know many men who would be okay with such a fast paced relationship. Most guys would be running for the hills talking about love, the future, marriage, etc..after a month.

 

She open up to me that her boyfriend, who also lives with his parents, is saving up to get his own place very soon. Within the next 6 months. He wants her to move in. My jaw hit the floor. That is so fast. Luckily, my friend said she thinks that is too fast and she told her boyfriend, she is unsure if she will move with him right away. Now she thinks things are too fast? Really?

 

The way things are going, I guarantee in 6 months or so, she will move in with him.

 

I’m very worried about her. I think she is blind in what she thinks is love, but she loves love and not the person she claims to be in love with. This is her first serious boyfriend. She hasn’t dated anyone in years and years.

 

I’ve spent the last couple years dating around, getting my heart broken, kissing and experimenting, not having sex, but having fun, and seeing what I like when it comes to men. My friend never did that, and now she seems to be on the path to marriage. The way she talks I think she thinks because they had sex, that makes their relationship a done deal for the future. I worry about her because this man is 27 and she is a bit naïve and has her head in the clouds.

 

My boyfriend and I dated for 4-5 months before getting into a relationship. Now we are the 6 month mark, and the “I love you’s” are starting to surface. We haven’t had sex because I want to wait, and my boyfriend says he loves me and respects that. I am proud to know that my boyfriend loves me for the person I am, my sweet nature, my brain, my humor, etc.. He does love my body and wants to eventually have sex, but we love each other regardless of that.

 

My boyfriend thinks I should say something to my friend about how I am concerned for her and how I really feel, but she is so happy that I don’t want to ruin that for her. I will support her no matter what.

Edited November 6, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Inaa]

I read your post... he might be using your friend but actually I'm more worried about you now. How could you know that someone's the right one for you if you hadn't had sex? Sex is important. It happens often two people to like, even love each other but the sex sucks and the relationship just doesn't work out. There could be sex without relationship but relationship without sex? That's impossible. Sorry but don't be worried about your friend who had sex. From now she's going to have more fun

[VeveCakes]

You seem heavily invested in your friends relationship. Are you jealous of something? Are you into your friend? I just can't understand why it matters of your friend had sex with her boyfriend. Who cares how long they have been dating. There is no right or wrong timeline.

 

Let her enjoy her bf and if it doesn't work out, it's another life experience for her.

[anika99]

So my friend Kelly and I met about 4 years ago. It wasn't until 2 years ago that we became really close friends. She and I are both 23 and very similar. We have our own little quirks, but we accept each other and love to talk all the time. We do a lot of stuff together.

 

Kelly wasn't very into the dating scene when we first became friends. We would fawn over guys and talk about how cute they were, but I would be the one that actually went out on dates.

 

The way that Kelly would talk, you would think she was out dating a bunch of people, when in reality she would only be talking to them briefly, and not in a romantic way. I wanted her to find happiness with a man, I just didn't see her as doing it the right way since she was not flirtatious or mysterious to men. I would talk about my date with a guy, and the only thing she had to compare it to was someone she was with ages ago.

 

Lots of people meet and fall in love without acting overly flirtatious and mysterious. Your way is not the only way to go about finding a partner

 

She and I are both virgins. We both saw sex as something special. Not until marriage special, but special for someone you love and not something to rush into. She has mentioned a few times how she doesn't want to just lose it and how she wouldn't mind waiting until marriage. That is her choice. I just knew she would have a hard time in our society finding a guy that was okay with it.

 

Now in the past, Kelly and I always went out together, and I did most of the talking to men. I'm not promiscuous. I just found it simple to talk to men art bars, parties etc...

 

Some of the time guys end up asking me for my number, or asking me out. I always tell Kelly about it, or she sees it happen first hand while we are out. There have been a couple times where the guys will ask me out, I say no, and then they go ask Kelly as second best. I feel bad. I know it hurts Kelly. It would hurt anyone to have this done, but it is not my fault.

 

About a month and a half ago I was casually dating two different men. I would tell Kelly all about it. I never had done anything like this, but it just ended up happening. It was casual, but I knew I was headed towards a relationship with one of them.

 

Kelly at the time was fawning over a guy she was friends with. She would talk about it all the time. They only were friends.

 

One night we go to this party. We meet some new people. One of the guys I was dating was there. I split my time well between Kelly and him. One of the new people we met, started talking to Kelly. He was drunk so I didn't see anything serious happening.

 

The day after, I get a facebook message from the guy that was talking to Kelly. He was saying how it was so nice to meet she and I, and that we should all hangout again. I thought that was very nice. He then mentioned us all going hiking. I thought that seemed really fun and told him so.

 

I was not interested in him at all. I already had two guys. Kelly then messages me saying how the same guy asked her out. She tells me all the stuff he said, which was similar to what he said to me. I tell her how it was all what he said to me. She denied it, claiming he asked her out formally. I was a little surprised at how defensive she got.

 

A few days later the same topic got brought up in person about him asking her out. She is telling me and another girl how he asked her to go hiking. I pipe in and say how he also invited me hiking with a group of people. She got defensive again, claiming he officially asked her out. How he wanted to go hiking with her. He probably just asked me to be polite and how he really doesn't want me to go since he wants to go with her.

 

I found this extremely insulting and rude. I was not interested in this guy. I think she thought maybe I was trying to get him to like me, when that was not even a thought in my head. She was almost trying to make is so he liked her, and only her, and no one else, because of past instances where I get picked over her. I don't like it to be competitive. I am just living my life. I support her.

 

Actually here you sound rude and competitive. Kelly already got defensive about this topic with you once before and yet when she was telling another girl about this guy you felt it necessary to pipe up and try to embarrass her by mentioning again that they guy also asked you to go hiking. Like you wanted to make sure it was on the record and nobody would think Kelly was actually special

 

Like I mentioned above, she was fawning over a guy friend of hers. Suddenly this new guy starts showing up at her job to talk to her. They text everyday. They go out on a date. Suddenly Kelly, says that she doesn't care about her guy friend anymore, because this new guy is around.

 

I found this surprising since she was only changing her mind because this guy gave her attention. If her guy friend started liking her, she would be with him. I said nothing. I figured she was happy and it was innocent.

 

Good for her! No sense in her wasting her time fawning over a guy who isn't making a move. Would you ignore potential real boyfriends so that you could sit at home pining over a guy that isn't interested in you?

 

They start dating once or twice a week. After 3 weeks, we all go out in a group. I was now down to one guy I was dating more steadily. The four of us went out for a friends birthday. In the middle of the bar she tells me he just asked her to be his girlfriend. I was shocked. Three weeks to me wasn't a lot of time at all. I had been seeing my guy for months and we had just started talking about a serious relationship.

 

It's a bit fast but some people do fall head over heels in love right away

 

I was a little bit peeved in that way. He and I were going to announce a relationship soon, and now we could not in fear of copying Kelly, or stealing her thunder. I acted happy for her. I mentioned it was fast, but she was on cloud nine so nothing I said to her registered.

 

My boyfriend wanted to announce our relationship a few days later, not because of Kelly, but because he wanted us to have that. I made us wait because I did not want to steal anyone's light. I was happy that my boyfriend did it in a romantic sweet way, not in the middle of a bar. My boyfriend couldn't believe Kelly's new boyfriend asked her like that.

 

What? It's not like she announced she was getting married or having a baby. Just because she announced she had a bf you can't say you have a bf? This is starting to sound like kindergarden

 

I noticed Kelly and he were moving fast. I mentioned to her, here and there, that it seemed fast. She started talking about how his family was just taken with her and loved her. One family member said she thinks they will get married, another said she is the best thing that's ever happened to him. It sounded far fetched. It had only been a month. She was gushing about how her family loves him too.

 

To my boyfriend and I, Kelly was living it up in the attention of it all and not exactly the actual relationship.

 

So what? Why does Kelly enjoying a little attention bother you so much?

 

He is a nice guy, don't get me wrong. But I cannot tell if Kelly stretches the truth sometimes, or he is just telling her what she wants to here. They seem too perfect. No fighting. Everything is all rainbows and roses.

 

Well I should hope that after only a couple of months of dating everything is all rainbows and there is no fighting. If I was fighting with someone right after I started dating them that would be a really bad sign

 

Kelly told me how she talked to her boyfriend about not wanting to rush and have sex. She said he was fine with it. And how sweet and understanding he was.

 

Well of course he was. What guy is going to protest that? You will look like a loser if you do.

 

Kelly talks slightly crazy saying how she always wanted to get married before 25. She is 23 and this guy is 27. Its been two months now. Two. She literally mentioning marriage. How is this guy down with this. Any talk like that would send any guy running for the hills. Kelly doesn't even have a job. She works part time at a florist. She lives with her parents. This guy, 27, still lives with his parents and doesn't make a huge paycheck.

 

They are way too serious way too fast.

 

Yes it does sound like she is getting ahead of herself. Not wise but it doesn't sound like it's been easy for her to meet guys so it's understandable that she would be over the moon a little for this one

 

My boyfriend thinks I should say something to her, but I cannot. She is happy, and as her friend, I need to support her and be happy for her too.

 

You would be correct

 

The other day Kelly said she had something to tell me.

 

I was confused at first, but then I put two and two together. She admits, she had sex with him. I couldn't believe it. This was the girl that dreamed of waiting until marriage. Two months since the day she met him is not a long time. I was shocked. It made me have an uneasy feeling in my stomach. She tells me how she and I are some of the last virgins around and how why keep waiting.

 

I was even more shocked that, that was her reasoning. That we are the last virgins around? Really?

 

It made me feel horrible. Here I was waiting around. Its been close to 7 months and I still haven't with my boyfriend. He and are just getting to the "I love you", part. I don't feel quite ready.

 

Now with her doing that after two months, I feel inadequate with my boyfriend. He has been waiting so patiently. I told my boyfriend all of this last night. It was bothering me. He reassured me that he is waiting because he loves me and there is no competition between the two couples. Kelly and her boyfriend and me and mine. I just feel that there is. Every time I tell a story about something romantic my boyfriend did or said, Kelly has to follow it up with something her boyfriend said or did. My boyfriend said he knew this would happen. Kelly was off in la la land, in the newlywed relationship stage and was moving way too fast. He said he figured she might sleep with him very early on.

 

If you are secure in yourself and you feel strongly about remaining a virgin then what does it matter that Kelly is not? Why do you need her to be a virgin with you?

 

I am worried about her. I don't know if this guy got in her head and because he is older is slightly convincing her to do that. I just didn't see Kelly as being so fast and just giving up her virginity.

 

Here I am calling to tell her my boyfriend surprised me with dinner and tickets to a show. And she is telling me she slept with someone she has known for two months.

 

I feel like in a small way Kelly is adding to the competitive nature between our two relationships. Maybe she is rushing this because she is afraid she will be left behind. She doesn't want to be the last. I think me being with mt boyfriend for 6 months spooked her into rushing into something. I like her boyfriend don't get me wrong, but I don't see her marrying this guy.

 

Well it's not your relationship and not up to you to pick who she is going to marry. She may not marry the guy but so what? If she doesn't marry this one then maybe she'll marry the next. Once again you sound like the competitive one in all this. As if everything Kelly does somehow has something to do with you.

[GunslingerRoland]

When I first starting reading this, I thought your friend was a teenager.

 

She's a grown adult in her mid 20's. She had sex with her boyfriend. Guess what, a lot of women at one point in their life thought they were going to wait for marriage for sex, not many do, because... well, they don't want to anymore once they get a boyfriend.

 

And moving in together after 6 months, is slightly fast, but nothing crazy. Sounds closer to normal than your relationships which are turtle slow by any estimation. (why would need to date someone for 5 months, before deciding to be a relationship?).

 

But the bottom line, is she's a grown woman, and you seem to be caring WAY too much about the details of her life. Nothing you have said, has set off major red flags in my mind about him.

[smackie9]

Your friend is an adult and she can do whatever she wants. So far everything is quite normal and moving along, the same way for most who start a relationship. You have no clue about people and relationships. There is no set timeline to be exclusive, or to have sex. Everyone has their own idea what is right for them, and how things progress just like you having your own set rules/ideas. Her BF wants sex....that isn't a crime it is normal....and guess what, your friend wants sex too, she being human. It takes two to have sex, she is not being taken advantage of.

[Redhead14]

I am afraid one of my good friends is being taken advantage of by her boyfriend.

 

They met two months ago at a party and started talking casually. Then they started dating. About four weeks later he asked her to be his girlfriend. She said yes. I mentioned to her that it seemed quite fast, but she was obsessed with the newness of being with him. Before this they had only briefly kissed a few times, according to what she said to me. I don’t know how you can kiss someone a few times and then want a relationship with them? You don’t know them.

 

She still lives with her parents, so he would often go over her house to hangout. She told me how she would have him up to her bedroom. I mentioned to her that it might be giving him the wrong idea, having him in her bedroom. My friend was a virgin and was adamant about waiting to have sex. I had been in that situation and I know guys can get the wrong impression from being in a girls bedroom.

 

She had told me on multiple occasions that she might wait until marriage or that she did not want to rush into anything sexually. She told me he knew she wasn’t that way and he wasn’t getting the wrong impression. I dropped the issue. Mind you, she is 23, and he is 27. I know what guys want.

 

After they were boyfriend/girlfriend things progressed rapidly. He took her in the same week they became official to meet his family. He tells her how his family just loves her and they think he will marry her. His family claims she is the best thing that has ever happened to him. He tells her that his co-workers think he is in love, by the way that he talks about her. I found this odd and far-fetched. If I took a guy home for the first time, my family would not tell me how they loved him and I am going to marry him. It’s way too soon and they don’t know him.

 

I just did not get it. After one month, her family doesn’t even know him.

 

I continued to support her and he seemed nice enough to me.

 

She tells me that they had a serious talk about having sex. She told him that she wanted to wait and she said he was fine with it and he would wait however long she wanted to.

 

The other day she messages me very frantically. She wants to tell me something important.

 

She had sex with him.

 

I was shocked. This was my friend who was supposed to be waiting. What did she wait, all of three weeks? It has only been two months since they first met, and one month since they were in a relationship. I just didn’t get what the rush was.

 

She and I met up to talk in person. She tells me she felt like no one our age was still a virgin anymore. I thought this was a lame excuse. So you did it because no one our age is anymore? This also struck me as odd. She wasn’t one to care if others have had sex. She waited this long, so why care now? It made me question if this was something her boyfriend planted in her head.

 

I was a virgin. She knew I was. And I knew many others that were. She told me not to be mad at her, since she knew I was still a virgin. I wasn’t mad, just shocked. I also didn’t understand why she felt the need to provide me with an excuse. If she was confident in what she did, then why have to explain to me why you did it?

 

She tells me how they love each other. I almost spit out my drink. Love? They have only known each other for two months, and the first few weeks of dating you don’t know someone. I asked her if they “loved” each other, then why the rush to have sex? She kept preaching “when you know, you know.”

 

When you know, you know? I have been with a guy or two in the past that I thought I knew. That I wanted to last forever. It didn't. I look back and am glad I didn't sleep with them.

 

I just did not get it. What happened to the girl that wanted to wait until marriage?

 

She goes on to explain how she was so nervous. When they were getting ready to have sex, she was shaking, hyperventilating, and crying. What? What kind of boyfriend would still have sex with you if you were a blubbering, shaking mess? That is not a good boyfriend. I know she consented, but really? That makes me skeptical of him even more.

 

The way she was talking was as if she thinks they will be together forever. I think she is living in a fantasy. But as it seems her boyfriend is promoting this too. I don’t know many men who would be okay with such a fast paced relationship. Most guys would be running for the hills talking about love, the future, marriage, etc..after a month.

 

She open up to me that her boyfriend, who also lives with his parents, is saving up to get his own place very soon. Within the next 6 months. He wants her to move in. My jaw hit the floor. That is so fast. Luckily, my friend said she thinks that is too fast and she told her boyfriend, she is unsure if she will move with him right away. Now she thinks things are too fast? Really?

 

The way things are going, I guarantee in 6 months or so, she will move in with him.

 

I’m very worried about her. I think she is blind in what she thinks is love, but she loves love and not the person she claims to be in love with. This is her first serious boyfriend. She hasn’t dated anyone in years and years.

 

I’ve spent the last couple years dating around, getting my heart broken, kissing and experimenting, not having sex, but having fun, and seeing what I like when it comes to men. My friend never did that, and now she seems to be on the path to marriage. The way she talks I think she thinks because they had sex, that makes their relationship a done deal for the future. I worry about her because this man is 27 and she is a bit naïve and has her head in the clouds.

 

My boyfriend and I dated for 4-5 months before getting into a relationship. Now we are the 6 month mark, and the “I love you’s” are starting to surface. We haven’t had sex because I want to wait, and my boyfriend says he loves me and respects that. I am proud to know that my boyfriend loves me for the person I am, my sweet nature, my brain, my humor, etc.. He does love my body and wants to eventually have sex, but we love each other regardless of that.

 

My boyfriend thinks I should say something to my friend about how I am concerned for her and how I really feel, but she is so happy that I don’t want to ruin that for her. I will support her no matter what.

 

You should tell her you are concerned for her and why. And, nothing else. This is a learning process for her that she has to do on her own. All you can do is advise and let her take the information and do with it as she will.

[amkxoxo]

I guess some of the issue with me caring so much is because, 1. I am a very caring person to everyone. I went to a psychic once and she said that this is a fault and a virtue. She told me I often know what good for people before they know whats good for them. I think a lot about other people.

 

2. I have my own issues with moving very slow and not having sex.

 

I want to have sex, but I am terrified. I have done lots of things with my boyfriend and some other guys, so I'm not innocent by any means. I just guess I am waiting for something grandiose. I am that type of person. A little dramatic. I like to be different. What's so special about losing your virginity to your boyfriend in your childhood bedroom. My friend deserved more than that, and I do too. She used to think just like me in that way. That is why her turning around and just doing something without thinking kind of shocked me a bit.

 

She is a naive person so it made me worry for her. I can see her easily being taken advantage of. Do I think this guy did that, no. But I do think he i is pushing her fast and she is way too excited about having a boy in her life, so its a little too much so quickly.

 

I dated this guy once. I really really liked him. We talked about having sex. He had been with a handful of women. He told me I deserved more. He told me that if I wanted to do it, then sure. We could do it in our college dorm room. But that I deserved someone to talk the time and cherish me. Plan a whole day around us being together. Get a hotel and make it romantic. Spend quality time leading up to it. Try to make the least awkward and painful as you can. Cuddle up after in a warn bath.

 

Everything he said was amazing. I didn't even realize that was a possibility. But at that time I wanted that. That guy told me that I could have that, if I was ready. He would plan that. We didn't end up getting to that point because external issues caused up to break up. But this made me believe that I can have something more than a random hookup in a dorm room. That someone can go over and above for me.

 

I'm terrified to go on birth control. I hate side effects. I am not fat, but I know it makes you gain weight and I have struggled with weight and confidence with weight my whole life. I am terrified because I am naturally small, down there, if you know what I'm getting at. I can only fit a slim tampon. On rare occasions a regular one. Most of my friends use jumbo tampons. I don't think my hymen is still there, which is good, but I truly don't know until I try. I'm scared I will regret it after.

 

To me, starting to have sex is a lot of responsibility. I think it takes some time to think things through. I don't feel my friend had enough time to truly think it through. One month is not enough. I asked her if she went on birth control and she said yes. Not every medical professional knows it takes one month of birth control pills for them to be effective. She told me last night she thought it was one week. Thank god she used a condom. She isn't stupid, just naive. My boyfriend think she is naive too. I asked her if her boyfriend had an std test, since he had been with a few people before her. She said, "well he has only been with two people." That doesn't matter. And he says two people, who knows if two means four or 6. I don't think he lied, but these are all important things to think about. My boyfriend already had a test, so that when we do have sex, we already know. One of my college roommates slept with a guy who has herpes. I don't know if she has it now, but she didn't know. Its realistic to be safe and consider everything beforehand.

Edited November 6, 2015 by amkxoxo

[smackie9]

You are planting very negative ideas about sex in your head that is why you are afraid. If you keep thinking the way you do you will never enjoy the experience....ever. It will never be the right time or with the right person, etc.

 

As for birth control, not everyone has side effects from the pill. I was on it for over 25 years without a problem. You need to go to your family doctor and get the proper information on the pill and the other options you can use for birth control.

[rester]

She told me I often know what good for people before they know whats good for them.

 

That's a dangerous attitude to have and will cause more people to move away from you than towards you. You don't know all the inner details of everyone's situation.

 

The only thing you can do is get her by herself and tell her you are concerned about her, and why. What she does with what you tell her is out of your control. Make sure she knows your worries are out of a real concern, though, and not out of jealousy or judging her. It's hard to tell from your post if you are actually concerned about her, or if it's something relating to yourself that you are upset about.

 

My boyfriend thinks I should say something to my friend about how I am concerned for her and how I really feel, but she is so happy that I don’t want to ruin that for her. I will support her no matter what.

 

You can be supportive and still communicate with her. Speak to her as an open-minded friend, and not as someone that is judging her choices.

 

I have my own issues with moving very slow and not having sex.

 

You might want to think about if you are projecting your own issues onto your friend, or not. I could very well be wrong, but it sounds like you feel because your friend lost her virginity and you don't want to do the same, that she somehow betrayed you. I don't think I would agree with that.

[empresario]

I read your post... he might be using your friend but actually I'm more worried about you now. How could you know that someone's the right one for you if you hadn't had sex? Sex is important. It happens often two people to like, even love each other but the sex sucks and the relationship just doesn't work out. There could be sex without relationship but relationship without sex? That's impossible. Sorry but don't be worried about your friend who had sex. From now she's going to have more fun

 

While I agree that the OP has some very negative thoughts about sex/intimacy that may catch up to her someday...to say sex is mandatory for a relationship is pretty naïve as well. I think a lot of people confuse sex for intimacy. Those things can be exclusive.

 

 

I think people deserve to make decisions they're comfortable making. Nobody should feel forced to have sex just as someone should not feel forced to abstain.

 

 

There is no template for a relationship, and everyone has different desires for their relationship. It's not a math equation (thought sometimes I wish relationships were).

[amkxoxo]

I agree that sex is not mandatory for a relationship. My boyfriend and I have lots of intimacy without having sex. We've done almost everything besides him putting his **** in me.

 

I think I will just sit around and support her for now. I notice something I think is not right, I may mention it to her out of concern, but she needs to learn.

 

I am not irritated she is getting attention. I am irritated that she is using this to beg for attention. I don't do that. Just be yourself and you will get attention for being yourself. I felt like when my boyfriend and I went through the same steps as her, I didn't go announcing it to the world. It was happy between he and I. I told people facts, not gushed about my relationship for attention.

 

I feel like my relationship is downplayed compared to hers because I am less attention seeking with it, and she is attention seeking for it.

 

She is constantly nonchalantly bragging how "everyone loves them together" and its a little ridiculous. Its no realistic. She talks like they are getting married. It makes me want to laugh. If they do get married I will be so happy for her and support her the whole way. But to speak like this is your long lost love of your life after two months of knowing each other is too dramatic.

 

Maybe we are different. I've been with other men, she has not. I've done the gushy, I'm doe eyed over a guy thing. I got hurt. Now I am more realistic about what will and will not work out. I am less public about my feelings and love for someone. Sometimes its even hard my for to express my feelings to my boyfriend. I try and tell him things, but he knows I struggle being vulnerable. I don't want to feel weak, like I was in situations in the past with people.

[BlueIris]

Do you know him? I ask because I do think that friends and family can have insights that the person in the relationship misses while in the fireworks and dreams stage.

 

I’d also be worried if a friend of mine had consistently voiced strong feelings about something and she changed her position 180 degrees in a very short time, accompanied by tears.

 

Of all that you said about this, the most worrisome to me would be that she was shaking and in tears when she first had sex. I agree with you that a loving partner wouldn’t continue in that circumstance.

 

Her beliefs about the link between sex and marriage might be one reason that she is attached to the idea of marrying him. Maybe she thinks that now that they’ve had sex, she must marry him. Worst case scenario would be that she might think that she has no other choice any more.

 

I think the best thing to do is what you're doing- make sure that she knows she can always talk to you and you’ll always have her back.

[lilmissjava]

Not everyone shares the same ideals as you both once did. Your friend was prepared to make that decision and it has no bearing on your own values and beliefs.

 

She had a chamge of heart and really did not need to consult with you or anyone else to do so. If the decision was mutual, that is their business.

 

Friends should be supportive of decisons and actions that have already been made. If you say something, you may come off as judgemental, and she may resent you for it and accuse you of being jealous.

 

For example, my best friend cheated on her husband of three years. She confessed that to me and I didn't judge her for it, but supported her through it as a friend should, because the deed was already done. I could have not spoken to her ever again because she is married, has a husband and our outlooks on cheating WERE the same. That changed in that one split second it took to make that irreversible decision of cheating.

 

I wouldn't say anything. My friendship would be more important.

[amkxoxo]

I think it bothers me because I was going to do all of that public stuff eventually, and I never expected her to catch up and do it before me, since my guy and I were together way longer. I like to be individual. I like having my own space and time. I wanted my boyfriend and I to get the lime light on our own. I felt like she went and announced all of this stuff and then I couldn't do it because it would seem to much like we were copying or jumping on the same bandwagon as she was.

 

I think that is why she didn't want me to be mad at her when she had sex. I would never be mad at her, but I think she knew she was stealing all of the stuff my boyfriend and I should be doing at this stage. I don't want to compete with her. I care a lot about our friendship. The fact that they have caught up to me and my guy is a little alarming.

 

That to me says something though. Here my boyfriend and I, at 6 months, at the same stage as her and her boyfriend are only knowing each other 2 months. My guy and I were also friends for months and months before anything romantic happened. I've known him for almost a year in total. Its way too soon for her. Its like she hightailed it to catch up to me to not be left behind. She has known this guy for two months. You don't know someone fully in that time. I am still discovering parts of my boyfriend now.

 

A little part of me is a bit jealous.

 

Not in the way you would think. I don't want her boyfriend or what she has. I am not jealous she met someone.

 

It was a lot easier for her. I had it harder. I am Caucasian and my boyfriend is black. I struggled with acceptance, but I like him very much and didn't want to let him go. I struggle with public judgement and my family's views on bringing home a black person. Even if they don't say anything, I know it will be talked about behind my back. It eats me up inside. I'm afraid to brag to my cousins about my new boyfriend. They will want to see pictures and what he looks like.

 

My friend had it easier. No scrutiny. They rushed. She brought him home right away, and he brought her home. There were no issues. I will always have issues, because he and I look different. I've expressed to my girl friend how I struggle with the racial issue and my boyfriend. She has been there for me and she listens, but I know deep down she does not understand. I'm afraid that my perceptions of judgement will eat me up so much that it will not be healthy for me to be with him any longer.

 

I am happy for her. I do think she rushed into it. But I wish it could have been that easy for me. I wish I didn't have the extra issue of a racial difference to keep me going slow with him. No matter skin color, I like to go slow with men in general, but I feel like my internal struggle over our racial difference has kept me going even slower than ever.

[kendahke]

Are you sure this is "concern" for her? It sound more like an indictment handed down for her not asking your permission for having her own mind and following it.

 

I see no evidence of him taking advantage of her. It sounds more like you're angry that she didn't ask your permission to begin seeing him.

 

She's grown. She's old enough to jump in to see if she can swim without your life preserver around her. If she struggles with her decision, then it's something that she needs to learn to navigate on her own anyway--we all need to learn to come to our own conclusions when it comes to how we proceed in relationships.

 

I wouldn't say anything unless specifically asked.

[PaperCrane]

Do you know him? I ask because I do think that friends and family can have insights that the person in the relationship misses while in the fireworks and dreams stage.

 

I’d also be worried if a friend of mine had consistently voiced strong feelings about something and she changed her position 180 degrees in a very short time, accompanied by tears.

 

I'm dealing with this right now. Posted the full thing in another part of the forum. Anyways, my friend always wanted to have her own family, raise her own child. The man she's with doesn't want more so she's deciding to get her tubes tied so she doesn't accidentally get pregnant. Just so she can be with him. All during the early (within 1 year) stages of the relationship.

 

I see the concern you have because you see the values she had in herself and her life goals. When people compromise those just to be with someone it can take a drastic emotional toll on someone. She's pushing so hard for marriage because she gave up something she wanted to save for that point in her life. If this relationship fails she knows she has to live with that regret and pain.

 

Honestly the best thing you can do, amy, is just be there for her in case she falls but don't pester or judge her. She's a big girl now.

Edited November 6, 2015 by PaperCrane

[SwordofFlame]

When they were getting ready to have sex, she was shaking, hyperventilating, and crying

As a guy, I wouldn't have sex with a girl who was behaving like that.

[xcupid]

Just wondering what the point of your thread is? Is it venting? Is it to ask a question? Or what?

[PaperCrane]

As a guy, I wouldn't have sex with a girl who was behaving like that.

 

Yeah that'd throw me too. I missed that when I quickly skimmed the OP.

[amkxoxo]

I don't care if she asked my opinion. I was more shocked because the last time I talked to her in depth about her relationship she told me they had the sex talk and he was okay with waiting because that is what she wanted to do, and then Bam! she suddenly had sex with him. I was a little hurt because she and I were always the ones preaching that is was okay to wait until you felt confident and ready. And again, Bam! She turns around and says no one our age is a virgin anymore and why wait? I'm a virgin. She was one. Now she is acting like she has this special entry to the club her and I weren't in for the longest time. She even told me she told her boyfriend how she felt she was having a mini identity crisis because she used to have her virginity define her.

 

I myself have never had my virginity define me. I know its there. Up until now, I was taking my time and being myself.

 

It did not make sense. She threw our her morals and values for a man so quickly.

 

And how will that get him to respect her? She tells him she wants to wait and he says he will wait as long as she needs, like an decent guy would. No guy is going to say the opposite, at risk of looking like a jerk. And then a couple of weeks later she jumps into bed with him. In the future he will not take her seriously, thinking she will just change her mind.

 

I am also surprised she told me that they probably won't be having sex again until he gets his own place, since they both live with their parents. That is weird. Usually when people start having sex, they want to have lots of sex. We're young and its a new experience. You have sex, then are going to possibly wait months to have it again? Odd. They found time when her parents were not home to have sex. Wouldn't you just do the same thing again??

 

And yes, I think they are going fast. But I support her and I am letting that go. When she told me she hyperventilated, shook, and cried beforehand, that made me worry. That's more than nervous. To me, that says you are not ready for sex. Guys love sex. Her boyfriend got her consent. He seems decent enough. But she was hyperventilating. Who would continue it, even if she said he could??

Edited November 6, 2015 by amkxoxo