katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I am highly empathic and can imagine the heart ache. I don't know. I've done it before in the past. I tell myself not to love them and I keep looking for other people. I sometimes shut out those I wanted to love.. so it's a double edged sword that can get me too Let me clarify. I sort of dose myself with the pain and heart ache of that person breaking my heart and then it causes me to shut them out.. I guess I don't control the shutting out.. I just let myself feel the pain before it hurts Thank you for sharing that! It is interesting to hear about what goes on in the minds and hearts of some men, and what motivates them to behave in ways that often confuse and baffle us. Is what you describe a form of commitment phobia? Are you a self-proclaimed commitment phobe then? There was a book published awhile ago about commitment phobia entitled "Men Who Can't Love." Is this you to a certain extent? Have you ever had a LTR? If so, what happened? Were your hurt badly...is that why you are so afraid of love? Sorry for all the questions, but you seem to have really good insight into yourself and your patterns.... which is so very rare. And like I said, it's just so interesting to hear what goes on inside men's heads and hearts.. and what causes them to run away from love.
joseb Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 . one thing I will say though is that amazing sex makes me develop emotions but I can easily prevent it. So it's possible it might lead to emotions e Interesting, cause my current fwb is concerned about exactly this. It's actually led to her being reluctant to climax...not sure what to do about it.... I guess I could become a more selfish lover?!
kendahke Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? It's possible. In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb? Only if they're of that mind to begin with. In my experience, I've learned (and say quite often to younger women) that you can't sex a man into a relationship he has no intention on being in. If you give up the pink, then do so because you've got that kind of time and youth to waste on a road going nowhere. If you want relationship and all that goes with it, then this guy is not that guy. If he is to become that guy, he has to get there of his own volition, not because you're throwing pink at him. 1
kendahke Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Thank you. Yes, i dont know if im willing to take that risk. But if nothing changes in my love life in the next 3 months then it might wont seem like a bad idea to get my own needs met at least once..would probably feel crap about becoming a booty call. This is the doorway into becoming a booty call--telling yourself you're getting your needs met by not giving up trying to sex him into a relationship. If it's about getting needs met, you can find someone else to do that who you have no emotional investment in. You have already got investment trying to take root with this guy. Just be honest with yourself. Will you like who you have to become for this to be OK with you? is the question. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 I have never met a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship when the right woman came . I have seen that several times actually. My brother was engaged. They broke up. He went on a date with a new girl. Told me afterwards that it just made him miss his ex more. A year later they met through friends ( with this one date girl). He was in a totally different headspace..they are married now. I also dated a guy last year who brought up his ex every time he got drunk. We broke up and recently he has been in touch to apologise for not treating me well. He was going through a difficult time and hating all women- his words. He wanted to start again. I have no interest. Of course it doesnt mean that it is the same situation with this guy but i just think it is not as black and white as 'a guy is always ready whenever the right person comes along no matter when his last ltr ended'. But the second part of your reply, which i didnt quote here is something worth considering and thank you for mentioning it. The idea of him finding a proper gf and dumping me would probably make me feel rubbish. You are right. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted November 7, 2015 Author Posted November 7, 2015 This is the doorway into becoming a booty call--telling yourself you're getting your needs met by not giving up trying to sex him into a relationship. If it's about getting needs met, you can find someone else to do that who you have no emotional investment in. You have already got investment trying to take root with this guy. Just be honest with yourself. Will you like who you have to become for this to be OK with you? is the question. Thank you for that. When i said my needs met i meant sex. I miss it. It has been way too long. I could of course doll myself up and go out and pull but i cant do that -wouldnt feel safe with a stranger. I have male friends who would happily sleep with me but im not into them. And i have guys from my past who suggested fwb but they are douchebags ( not just towards me but in general) so again, no no. Which leaves me where im now..going on dates and feeling nothing. There must be something wrong with me but 99% of guys repulse me. Not as a person but the idea of sex with them. I can count on one hand how many guys i spoke to this year!! who i didnt have this feeling with. This might all relate back to something in my past, who knows. Or maybe im just wired this way. But even with good male friends i cant bear physical connection. I dont like hugs or anyone too close to me. Only family and females. But im not attracted to females. So the point is that i very very rarely come across a guy who i want to even be touched or kissed by let alone have sex with. It is either repulse or strong attraction. Nothing in between. No 'meh i guess he will do for a shag'. So those guys i get quickly emotionally invested in cos they are so rare. Anyways, im not going to talk myself into why this idea of fwb with this guy is a good idea..but it is also not the worst idea if i can go into it with not the intention of trying to change his mind but to satisfy my own needs. I dont want to lie to myself so i will probably think about this very hard before i jump into it.
aprilisi Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) If a man says he's not ready for a relationship he means it. He doesn't want one with YOU. Doesn't mean he doesnt want one with the right woman I've been there so many times. Been told those words. Think he'll grow to like me. You like him but he doesn't see you worthy of a relationship and it just ends up breaking your heart. My advise...run for the hills. One guy who said that to me got married 6 months later. The last guy is now engaged. Edited November 7, 2015 by aprilisi 1
RedRobin Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I think it is important for everyone, but especially women, that you only have sex on your own terms. Whether that is inside a relationship, outside a relationship... FWB, ONS... Whatever. Keep in mind that abstinence is on your terms too if the other options aren't to your liking and make you unhappy. What you are contemplating is not on your terms and will likely only lead to unhappiness, frustration, and maybe even aversion to sex. You say you don't like to be touched or held. And that 99 % of men turn you off, but that you aren't lesbian. I would explore that more, through therapy or with a trusted friend. The not wanting to be touched or held is a real thing... Usually started at a very young age due to trauma. Sometimes so young they don't even remember. Don't let something like that lead you to make poor choices for your emotional health now.
xUnknown Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 IMO, if he felt she was right and he was into her and had feelings for her....even though he may not be ready for a serious RL, he certainly would not have told her he was only up for something casual. A FWB type situation. That's nuts! I disagree. Sometimes things change. Personally, I'm not looking for anything serious, but if the right one came along that would change. In which case, right now, Yes, I'm looking for something casual, until I notice my feelings change. Tons of things start out as nothing serious then change into being serious. 1
katiegrl Posted November 9, 2015 Posted November 9, 2015 I disagree. Sometimes things change. Personally, I'm not looking for anything serious, but if the right one came along that would change. In which case, right now, Yes, I'm looking for something casual, until I notice my feelings change. Tons of things start out as nothing serious then change into being serious. Actually, I think we agree. The above^^ is pretty much what I posted earlier, post 18.
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