Natalie8 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I met a guy online. Chatted for a few weeks then went on a date. Had great chemistry, banter, conversation was easy. He messaged me as soon as i got home but not about the date itself just sonething we were talking about on the date. Carried on messaging then i asked if we will meet again. He was honest and said he doesnt feel im right for him in relationship terms but he is very attracted to me and enjoys the fun and banter and would be interested in casual stuff. I said no thanks. But now i wonder if the fact that he only got out of a 5 year relationship 3 months ago means that he is not emotinally available so that is why he feels im not right for him.. that maybe at this point he wouldnt feel right about anyone because his head and heart is still full of her..so to speak. If i get back in touch in a few months ( he wanted to stay in touch and chat even after i said no to fwb but i stopped all contact) and bring up fwb ( or not bring that up but get back to chatting and see how the convo goes) and then maybe by then he will also be emotinally available. So i have 2 questions really: Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb?
Iceshowers Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I met a guy online. Chatted for a few weeks then went on a date. Had great chemistry, banter, conversation was easy. He messaged me as soon as i got home but not about the date itself just sonething we were talking about on the date. Carried on messaging then i asked if we will meet again. He was honest and said he doesnt feel im right for him in relationship terms but he is very attracted to me and enjoys the fun and banter and would be interested in casual stuff. I said no thanks. But now i wonder if the fact that he only got out of a 5 year relationship 3 months ago means that he is not emotinally available so that is why he feels im not right for him.. that maybe at this point he wouldnt feel right about anyone because his head and heart is still full of her..so to speak. If i get back in touch in a few months ( he wanted to stay in touch and chat even after i said no to fwb but i stopped all contact) and bring up fwb ( or not bring that up but get back to chatting and see how the convo goes) and then maybe by then he will also be emotinally available. So i have 2 questions really: Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb? I wouldn't bank on a relationship with this guy. He could be emotionally unavailable due to the long term relationship break up IF he did love his ex. I am/was in the same exact situation like him. I broke off a 5+ yr relationship recently, but have been emotionally out for the 3 out of 5yrs. I did have 2 fwb around the time of the break up but I chose fwb, I was numb emotionally so I couldn't feel even if I wanted. The first fwb gave me mixed signals and we parted ways a couple of months later. The 2nd started falling for me and I cut it off because its not what I wanted, and will NEVER see him as dating potential. If I use you for physical needs only, I couldn't see you as a commitment later on... maybe its just me. So to answer your question, don't wait and hope something will happen. If you choose fwb with him, please go with a closed heart and open mind, or you will hurt yourself. 2
empresario Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Life is about expectations. He was clear with his. From everything I know and everything I've read on here (there are numerous people that ask this same question), when a guy tells you he wants to be FWB he's essentially telling you he doesn't see you or respect you as relationship material. Since expectations are on the table, let me answer your question. Can it be the reason? Sure. But it probably isn't. Can they develop feelings? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean he will want to date you. If you're going to pursue this with the expectations of a Disney movie (every guy can be turned from a rough narcissistic to a prince charming right?) then know there's a good chance you're going to leave it heart broken. 5
EricaH329 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? In my experience, people who go dating shortly after a break-up are trying to do one of two things: 1 - Put themselves back out there (see if they still have 'it', see if they can hurry up the recovery period), and 2 - Looking for something casual. It's tough to say why this guy doesn't want a relationship with you, but I think you dodged a bullet. Even if you did get into a relationship with this guy, you most likely would have been a rebound and it would've hurt in the end. In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb? I've never experienced it, but I know of others that have. It's really a toss-up. The real question should be: Are you willing to put yourself in a position where you give yourself to someone, and have nothing come out of it? Because that's the risk you'll take if you become FWB with him. If I were you, i'd cut your loss and date someone else. If he really did feel a connection with you and wants to be in a relationship with you at some point down the line, he'll contact you. 1
soyou Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 If a guy tells you bluntly that you are not his gf material, take his words seriously and exit ASAP. Why being or waiting for somebody who is not into you? If a guy is not interested in you romantically, he never will. PERIOD. 1
Buddhist Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 So i have 2 questions really: Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb? Don't do this....make up justifications in your head for why he's not offering you what you want. It will only lead to pain and disappointment. Always take what men tell you at face value because in all honesty their empathy is rather low and they just say the bald truth. They are not women who make up all sorts of bull**** stories in order to avoid hurt feelings. There really isn't a deeper reason other than he just wants sex from you and nothing more. That won't change. Putting yourself in a position to give him sex hoping for more is a really bad idea with a 99.99% chance you'll be disappointed in the outcome. Find a guy who wants a relationship with you. It's not hard, there are plenty around. 1
Samhain Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 When feelings occur in a FWB situation, 8/10 times it will be the female. He's been honest with you, so take it exactly as he means it. He does not want a relationship with you, he wants to have sex with you, which the majority of men would gladly do if they can swing it. A few months out of a long term relationship (depending on the circumstances of how it ended) is not long at all, rarely will a first casual relationship after a serious one turn into anything more. Forget about him and find somebody who you ARE right for in a relationship, without being used as a glory hole. 1
scooby-philly Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Hey OP, To answer your questions: 1. Yes, he may feel numb still from the ending of the previous relationship. Contrary to popular belief, many guys do have hearts and get hurt - even if they do the breaking up. Depending on a variety of factors - does he always blame himself, did he not have the courage to end it way before he did, what's his perception of where his life should be, etc, can all impact how he's feeling right now. Honestly, he could just be afraid of getting hurt at this point. Depending on how long he dragged out the "i want to break up with you phase" - he could have been done months before he actually ended it. That said, in my own experience, and from what I see from plenty of folks posting on here, 3 months after a 5 year relationship isn't a long time. Especially if he loved her for most of it. I was not ready to date for at least 6 months after a relationship ended right before the wedding. Fast forward to now, after a crazy year long relationship I'm was fine and ready after 2-3 months. I'm still afraid of getting hurt or repeating past mistakes, but that's why it gets doubly hard to date as you get older - you get wiser about a lot of things, but can also fall into patterns 2. Yes, anything is possible. I've got a FWB right now. Do I like her? Of course. Do i like spending time with her - of course. But I don't know if I'd date her - but you never know what could happen. Overall, I'd agree with the previous commentator's advice - if you want to stay in contact or go into FWB mode just realize that it may not end up the way you want it. It's not because he's a bad guy or because you'll do something wrong, but you will both end up starting and ending the FWB in different places in your life. If you really like him then stay in contact, maybe after 1-2 months go out again, let it get intimate slowly to arouse him and then after 2-3 months assess the landscape before you "give it up". At that point he'd be out for at least 6 months, perhaps as many as 10 and at that point you can draw a line in the sand.
LostOnes05 Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 If a FWB situationship is not what you want, don't entertain it at all. More than likely he won't change how he sees you. If you put yourself into the situation with the expectation of a relationship, then it will solely be your cross to bear. He isn't leading you on. If the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen acknowledged him and wanted a relationship, it wouldn't matter if he was 3 hours out of a relationship. Trust your gut on this. 1
Author Natalie8 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Thank you for the replies everyone. The problem is i very very rarely feel any attraction towards the guys i date. It is either easy fun conversation and no chemistry or attraction but the guy is no fun to talk to or just very different so it obviously wouldnt work. So when i have the combination of great convo, banter, a nice well-rounded guy PLUS attraction then i get really excited. It hardly ever happens. I wouldnt wait around pinning all my hopes on him. Im still on the dating sites and hoping to find someone who is open to dating. But i dont want to write him off completely. Im fully aware that i could have easy became a rebound girl even if he did want to date me. I am planning to leave this alone for months. Im cautious about fwb set up as i know it is mainly girls who can get attached. I understand it sounds like im justifying his behaviour. But i know that when i was just out of a long term rs i was not open to anyone fully and everything was still about my ex. So even a great guy wouldnt have been able to touch my heart. Right now he has no reason not to respect me. Nothing physical happened , there is no sexting and i said no to fwb. I didnt discuss these thoughts with him. So he has no reason not to respect me enough to see me as a potential gf. I think after a long term rs a lot of guys want casual stuff so im not feeling horribly insulted that it is all he wants me for. It hurst of course. Im not planning to do anything until February at least. By then i hopefully find someone. But if not, then i wonder if this worth revisiting. I can see the consensus on here is proceed with caution and be prepared for dissappointment. I appreciate the quick responses, thanks
siriusp Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Life is about expectations. He was clear with his. From everything I know and everything I've read on here (there are numerous people that ask this same question), when a guy tells you he wants to be FWB he's essentially telling you he doesn't see you or respect you as relationship material. Since expectations are on the table, let me answer your question. Can it be the reason? Sure. But it probably isn't. Can they develop feelings? Absolutely. But that doesn't mean he will want to date you. If you're going to pursue this with the expectations of a Disney movie (every guy can be turned from a rough narcissistic to a prince charming right?) then know there's a good chance you're going to leave it heart broken. This may be true in many cases but it is not always true. I had a FWB agreement for many years - eventually I got over my 'issues' and wanted to move on. He on the other hand told me that he was with nobody else for all those years, has tried every possible thing to get me to be with him and told me he'd marry me in a second. This is from an agreement that was very clear from both sides. So I can't agree with what you have written regarding FWB. Not everybody is the same. So for the original poster - make sure you want a FWB relationship if that's what you are having - otherwise you may end up very hurt and have wasted many years.........like my friend did. I made it very clear to him that I never wanted a relationship with him but he kept hoping (secretly for a long time). I would say forget about him and find someone that wants a relationship - and is clear about that. Edited November 6, 2015 by siriusp 2
empresario Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 This may be true in many cases but it is not always true. I had a FWB agreement for many years - eventually I got over my 'issues' and wanted to move on. He on the other hand told me that he was with nobody else for all those years, has tried every possible thing to get me to be with him and told me he'd marry me in a second. This is from an agreement that was very clear from both sides. So I can't agree with what you have written regarding FWB. Not everybody is the same. With all data, there are outliers. But to bank on this situation being one of those...not likely. Most guys are notorious for stringing along someone in order to find the bigger, better deal. I know this because, well, I'm a guy. I also have a lot of guy friends that do this. I am guilty of it too. I don't mean to be a jerk, I'm just honest up front with women that I can't see myself with them long term. I tell them I'm OK dating them, being their friend, and sleeping with them...but I'm not looking for a relationship (the subtext being WITH THEM). And there may be a lot of reasons for that. Maybe it's a social thing (there are a lot of women I just wouldn't feel comfortable introducing them to my associates...professional image is a different type of animal). Maybe I'm just not 100% attracted to them physically OR emotionally. Maybe I'm really not ready for a relationship. People do change. Relationships do change. But to bank on that? That's naivety. 2
siriusp Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 If a guy tells you bluntly that you are not his gf material, take his words seriously and exit ASAP. Why being or waiting for somebody who is not into you? If a guy is not interested in you romantically, he never will. PERIOD. Really? Is this true? I always thought that - If I am not interested in someone - that's it and I never will be. But then I met someone recently and I changed my views on that.... I know quite a few guys that had friendships before ending up with their partners - totally platonic at first. I think saying never and ever where romance is concerned is not right. People are different - there is no definite. 1
Ami1uwant Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 My two cents..... You don't know you are ready to date after an ltr until you date. He was probably being honest with you that he realized he isn't ready yet. Some are like that. Maybe when he is ready he would date you again. Is it possible this was just BS..sure. 1
siriusp Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 With all data, there are outliers. But to bank on this situation being one of those...not likely. Most guys are notorious for stringing along someone in order to find the bigger, better deal. I know this because, well, I'm a guy. I also have a lot of guy friends that do this. I am guilty of it too. I don't mean to be a jerk, I'm just honest up front with women that I can't see myself with them long term. I tell them I'm OK dating them, being their friend, and sleeping with them...but I'm not looking for a relationship (the subtext being WITH THEM). And there may be a lot of reasons for that. Maybe it's a social thing (there are a lot of women I just wouldn't feel comfortable introducing them to my associates...professional image is a different type of animal). Maybe I'm just not 100% attracted to them physically OR emotionally. Maybe I'm really not ready for a relationship. People do change. Relationships do change. But to bank on that? That's naivety. Well as I said to the OP - I wouldn't bother with the FWB thing if that's not what she wants - I think the example I gave of my FWB shows clearly how badly someone can get hurt - if they are (secretly) hoping to have a relationship with someone that said they didn't want that. 1
xUnknown Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Yes, he's still hurting, hung up, not ready to let someone have his heart again. Yes, its possible that it can turn into something - but the question is, are you willing to be a FBW and risk it not going anywhere.... 1
Author Natalie8 Posted November 6, 2015 Author Posted November 6, 2015 Yes, he's still hurting, hung up, not ready to let someone have his heart again. Yes, its possible that it can turn into something - but the question is, are you willing to be a FBW and risk it not going anywhere.... Thank you. Yes, i dont know if im willing to take that risk. But if nothing changes in my love life in the next 3 months then it might wont seem like a bad idea to get my own needs met at least once..would probably feel crap about becoming a booty call. I will leave it for now and come back with an update in a few months
katiegrl Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Can the reason why he feels im not right is cos he is still hurting? In your experience , can guys also develop feelings for a fwb? No he doesn't think you're right for other reasons, who knows. Even when we're hurting and/or in the process of recovering from a breakup, when we meet someone who knocks our socks off, we WILL wish to embark on dating/developing a RL with that person. As another said, he is just not into you enough to pursue a RL with, but apparently you're okay to have sex with casually. If you are looking for more....than move on....he's not it. Sorry.
katiegrl Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 Yes, he's still hurting, hung up, not ready to let someone have his heart again. Yes, its possible that it can turn into something - but the question is, are you willing to be a FBW and risk it not going anywhere.... IMO, if he felt she was right and he was into her and had feelings for her....even though he may not be ready for a serious RL, he certainly would not have told her he was only up for something casual. A FWB type situation. That's nuts! 1
RedRobin Posted November 6, 2015 Posted November 6, 2015 I have never met a guy who wasn't ready for a relationship when the right woman came along. He doesn't see you as that woman. Move along or be an eff buddy... And watch while he finds someone he does want to have a relationship with, then dump you like a hot rock and pretend you never existed. 2
Ami1uwant Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 IMO, if he felt she was right and he was into her and had feelings for her....even though he may not be ready for a serious RL, he certainly would not have told her he was only up for something casual. A FWB type situation. That's nuts! How is what he said any different than someone saying they aren't looking fir anything serious
LoveRefreshed Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Tl;Dr the responses yet. I would not hope for anything. Guys who say they want something casual means you're hot enough to bang but don't have what he wants in a partner. He might realize you have enough to make him happy down the line but it's.unlikely. one thing I will say though is that amazing sex makes me develop emotions but I can easily prevent it. So it's possible it might lead to emotions but the hole stress of the Fwb isn't worth the slight chance, imo. If you're not a girl who can **** without falling g in love, do t lie to yourself. You'll end up in heart break city all alone and feeling inadequate 1
katiegrl Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 Tl;Dr the responses yet. I would not hope for anything. Guys who say they want something casual means you're hot enough to bang but don't have what he wants in a partner. He might realize you have enough to make him happy down the line but it's.unlikely. one thing I will say though is that amazing sex makes me develop emotions but I can easily prevent it. So it's possible it might lead to emotions but the hole stress of the Fwb isn't worth the slight chance, imo. If you're not a girl who can **** without falling g in love, do t lie to yourself. You'll end up in heart break city all alone and feeling inadequate I agree with the above.... BUT I am curious about the bolded. Once you start developing emotions/feelings for a woman.... how do you then prevent yourself from feeling those same emotions? What sorts of things do you do (or not do) that prevent those emotions from developing? And why would you want to prevent them from developing? Not understanding that....can you clarify?
joseb Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 I guess I'm an outlier then too. When I say I'm not looking for anything serious, I mean it. It's not some code for your ok but not great. Actually I can't imagine having a fb or fwb with someone I didn't respect. I could maybe do a ons. I've never strung alone someone while looking for something better. I'm 7 months out if a ltr and not looking for anything serious. If Scarlet Johansen (or whoever) asked be to be her bf I'd say the same to.her. Im only looking for casual. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted November 7, 2015 Posted November 7, 2015 (edited) I am highly empathic and can imagine the heart ache. I don't know. I've done it before in the past. I tell myself not to love them and I keep looking for other people. I sometimes shut out those I wanted to love.. so it's a double edged sword that can get me too Let me clarify. I sort of dose myself with the pain and heart ache of that person breaking my heart and then it causes me to shut them out.. I guess I don't control the shutting out.. I just let myself feel the pain before it hurts Edited November 7, 2015 by LoveRefreshed
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